can you call the agent with whom you are selling...go in and sign your portions where the the little flag is...

and
please
please
please go to plan b.....

seriously can you arrange to sign without him...and arrange to have a whatever amount you get left for you to pick up..

if you two are splitting the money...call and tell him to call the agent and arrange and or OK two checks...

ARK

Slammed,

I understand how you feel discouraged. It's almost tougher when there is a false recovery. I remember you were doing great before the DUI incident, almost accepted that you two would get divorced. I can relate to that. I was a lot stronger at the beginning of March before WH attempted to come home. Now I feel being betrayed again, even though I was being very careful not to raise my hope. I guess one thing I can say is that I am glad I did not let him move back in immediately as that would have broken DS3's heart all over again.

We both have tough job situations, and I wish we did not have to deal with additional stress. I will be praying for you.

And again, your situation is a little different from mine, and as we all said, I do see how Plan B will be very effective in your case. But if you wait too long, I don't think the plan will be that effective, since he will get used to being alone. Why don't you post your Plan B letter here?

Milk

Hey Ark~ Always nice to hear from you !
As you know, I'm prepared to go into Plan B, and basically
am already "there" except for the letter.
At our last "big" conversation, about three weeks ago, WH had said he wanted to be "left alone by both OW and I" (a little hard to do when she's moved in with him, huh ?)and
my thought was "should be careful what you ask for since
that's what you're going to get !" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

After that I didn't call, didn't see WH, was gone when he
came to our house to get stuff, and didn't answer his calls
until he was urgently trying to reach me about him going
out of town due to his Dad's health crisis. Felt worried
about FIL and sad to be so "excluded" from the family and
their events, but nothing I could do about it -
I had assumed WH would call if FIL died, and was anxious to
know what happened, so did talk to him Tues night. Now,
it's back to "dark".

WH is to call to reschedule the "closing" and will leave
me a message to tell me when it is (it has to be in May so
won't be too much longer). I had checked previously, but found out that we have to both appear in person at the closing, unless one of us has "power of attorney" for the other and the proceeds check has to be written to both of
us jointly since we are not "paying off" any creditors
(in which case they can issue the check directly to them)
so I'll have to deal some with WH over this, but I think I
can keep it short and very businesslike, and I am not
bothered by seeing him.

Is there ever going to be an end (to the A) in sight ??
Slammed

Milk ~
Thanks for your note. You and I have always had such
similiar "cases", even down to the job issues now.
Wish we were closer- I know we'd get along great !

You're right- having hopes up when I thought things were
going to "turn around" then WH getting back with OW dealt
me a big "blow" and I've had to go back through the cycle
of feeling hurt, betrayed, angry, upset, etc. all over
again.
Having WH at home again, having fun together, making future
plans and feeling almost "normal" again, then having him
gone and taking furniture and belongings really hard too.

I think WH did feel strange and "alone" when he first moved
to the other house (although not for long, since OW was all
moved in within 3 weeks of WH moving), and maybe it could have been better to have "hit" him with the PBL right after he moved, but it was suggested that I should give it a couple of weeks so it wouldn't appear that I was just upset or mad about his move.
Since then, it's been delayed because I have to see him in
order to sell our lot, and last week, due to his Dad's health situation.
I don't know what is really going on with OW, but as long
as she's in his house, I know the A certainly isn't over
and there's no chance of any reconciliation.
I'm puzzled over why WH tells me she is moving soon and it's going to be "over", especially since it doesn't appear that he has any thought or plan of getting back together or working on our M, so he doesn't need to be trying to keep
me "hanging". Anyone have thoughts on that ? (I know, hard
to ever figure out the logic of the "foggy" mind).

I will post my letter here as soon as I have a chance- I
have to limit my time on the boards at work, especially now
that I have to kill myself at work to try to get my sales
up-
Slammed

Just WH bullcrap to keep you "hanging"..exactly what he wants you to do...hanging around waiting in case it doesn't work out with her..

Isn't that YUCKY?

You know the answer...PLAN B....

Mimi <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Always appreciate your feedback !
Guess that must be the reason- just didn't see why he would
feel the need to volunteer this info, or why he would care
if I was "hanging on" since he seems so determined to move
on with his new "life" (if you can call it that) and so
distant from everything that ever had to do with us. He
really feels like a stranger to me now, since I don't know
anything about what is going on with him, and am totally
excluded from his family (FIL's recent health crisis really
made me realize that) and my step-daughter's life too.

Seemed like he did stay interested for awhile when he would
call or leave a message often and ask me to dinner or to go
to his IC or Dr appointments, but now he doesn't try to
call, leave any messages, come by the house, or ask me to do
anything, so life with OW must be "all consuming" I guess.
(plus I think she watches him "like a hawk").

Yes, everything about this is very YUCKY ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If I don't get off too late tonight, I'll try to post PBL
and will appreciate all comments.
Slammed

Just a quick update, although there's nothing new to report-

I was glad to have the day off, after being so busy at work
lately and working the past three weekends, but the extra
time on my hands today has been tough- I feel very bored,
isolated and more down than I've been lately.
Got up determined to get some things done in the house and
yard, and did some, but then lost interest and haven't been
able to get motivated to do much else- so now I'm also annoyed with myself for wasting time and not getting things done !
I had hoped to have lunch with a friend and was going to run my errands afterwards, but her father recently had a stroke and is not doing well, so she had to cancel and I lost my incentive to get out of the house. I am going to
make myself get cleaned up and go out later though - will attend a concert of a community group. Seeing friends and
hearing some good music will be a nice evening and should
lift my spirits.

Don't know what happened or changed in the past couple of
weeks, but I am feeling a real "shift" of things with WH
and it makes me wonder if things have really gotten more
"hot and heavy" with OW or what- ?
Whereas WH had been calling me almost daily, without any
real reason but just to talk briefly or "touch base", he
no longer is calling.
Whereas WH had asked me out to dinner once a week for the
first few weeks after he moved and was still asking me to
come to his Dr and IC appointments, he no longer asks me to
do anything and went to his Dr and IC appointments last
week by himself.

Seems like WH did still care about me, us, our dog and our
life even after he moved out, but now he seems so involved
in his "new life" and OW that I feel like we're in different
worlds. Although I don't really think he is happy, and sure
doesn't have his act together, it's hard not to feel like he's off having fun and being happy with the new house,
OW living with him, his court hearing over, and money, while
I am alone and worrying about everything.

I had felt that there was still some "power" left in my
"corner" by my being his WIFE, and us having had a long
time together filled with good times, memories and plans,
but am starting to feel that he's been able to just "forget"
and justify away all that and is so "gone" that he's not
going to look back. The longer it continued on with OW,
I feel and fear that they are building their own memories
and plans, and that I'm "fading" out of the picture.

Still hard for me to believe or to understand OW going back
with WH after at least two break-ups when she knows that
he lied about so many things from the start. Even if she
didn't believe me ( I know WH tried to say I was lying
and nuts about it all) so many things have proven themselves
to be true, that she must realize it by now. It's equally
hard to understand WH going back with OW, who is clingy,
manipulative and controlling, and doesn't even seem to treat
him nicely ! Only thing I can see that they have in common
is that both really have some major issues (of the emotional
or mental type) which much give them some connection- yuck !

I have felt such disgust and anger with both WH and OW lately that I've wished and thought of some pretty awful
things, like OW dying from the heart condition she has, or
her losing her job and having to move back home, or WH
getting in more legal trouble and wanting the security and
comfort of home... something that would finally end the A !
I guess it's probably normal, but I just hate feeling this
way ! Combined with my worries over maybe losing my job,
worries about my finances, I've not been sleeping too well
lately and I've sometimes even dreamt about all this mess.
(Had dreams lately that I was totally "telling off" the OW,
and also that she got pregant again, both of which made me
feel very uncomfortable when I woke up).

Don't know what to make of this change with him, but it
doesn't seem like it's anything good- more like things
with OW have gotten more serious, or are at least going
better now and he no longer feels any need to keep any
attachment to me. (Kind of like he had to "wean" away).
I know there's no way for me to know what's really happening
and nothing I can do about it anyway, but it's an awful
feeling of fear, worry, and maybe even some "withdrawal"
since this is the longest we've ever gone without talking
in our 11 year together.

I've stuck to being "dark"- haven't called or made any contact with WH. I still wanted to give him the PBL at the
land closing. Does it sound like there's still any hope,
or is it going to make any difference now ??
Slammed

Happy Mother's Day to all the "Moms" on the boards today !

Have felt in better spirits today-
I did go to a classical concert last night, which was nice,
then got up this morning and ran to the store first thing.
Had my parents over for lunch and enjoyed making a nice
lunch for them, and had flowers and a gift for my Mom.
Now I'm doing some laundry, picking up around the house,
and will later watch a movie, get a bath, get a good night's
sleep.

No contact with WH, but did have one call this morning that
again said "Private Caller". No way to know, but this has
been happening often lately, and I've assumed it might be
OW calling, either because she's seen the number in WH's
phone and she's snooping to see who it is, because WH is
out and she wonders if he's doing something with me, or to
try to get me to talk to her again, either to ask questions
about WH and our relationship or to "gloat" that she's at
his house now.

Had an odd thought after it happened today- I remembered
that the last few times I had talked to WH (before whatever
changed with him recently) he had been still at work or on
the way home from work at a later time than he's been for
quite awhile. As "working late" was often used before as a
"cover" when he was actually on websites looking to meet
other women or talking to , or actually out with someone
else, it made me wonder about it ????
Now with the calls that are possibly coming from OW, and
are likely her trying to check up on him, I wonder if he
really does have something going on and is already out
looking for "another" OW ??? If so, that might explain
his sudden change to no longer calling or asking me to do
anything and might fit with him saying he wasn't pleased
about OW being at his house, her moving out soon, and them
supposedly going to be "over" when she' out.
Just speculation, I know- could be totally coincidental
and might not even be OW calling... it's just a thought.

Am just about out of battery on the laptop, so will check in
later. Can someone please tell me how to change my thread
title ? Hope to post my PBL later and want to change my
title so I'll get some feedback on it.
Slammed

Off to a busy start at work today, but since I need to get
my sales up, I'm taking all the clients I can and trying to
get the business.

Still feel very curious as to what is really going on with
WH, but have been trying to stay in a state of mind of not
worrying about it and "letting it be".
When I start thinking or worrying about it too much, I get
my journal out and jot down all my questions and thoughts
(something my IC suggested) and it does help some.

I'd like to get to the point where all that matters to me is
WH getting to the point that the A is over and he is ready
and willing to work on the M, but I doubt I'll ever be able
be able to stop having questions, wanting answers, and stop
having the need to understand...no matter what happens.

I have my IC later this week, and do like going.

WH was supposed to have his IC last week and I assumed he
went, however we got a message on our home machine today
from his IC, saying "what happened ?" and "did he want to
reschedule" because he apparently missed his appointment
last week. First time he was to go on his own, and he blew
it !
Thinking of that brought up my very mixed feelings about the
whole IC situation with him. As you know, I had been going with WH to his IC since he started back in late December, and initially I liked his IC and thought it was productive and helpful in getting him to work on and deal with some of his "issues". After the A resumed however, I felt like his IC lost control of the sessions, allowed WH to "steer" as he wanted, use me as a "scapegoat", find excuses and invent justifications, while avoiding any mention of the A, plus
allowed him to stall working on his own issues, which is why he was there.
I feel very disappointed and frustrated because I had, for
SO long, wanted him to go to IC, and when he first started
really felt like it was helping. Then, when it started to
be very negative, I wished I had never suggested it, because
it may have made things worse.
I don't know if WH will stick with now, alone, or not, but
have to just let it be. I guess if he wants to go and talk
about me and blame things on me the whole time, that's his
option, but hopefully the IC will steer him back to work on
his issues and not just further "enable" the A or talk him
into D. I guess that's my fear and why I keep feeling so
anxious and bothered about it.
Maybe with WH's 45 days of full-time Community Service, his
still trying to keep up with his regular work, having to get
a ride since his license is being suspended, and dealing
w/OW, he will end up quitting anyway...

Slammed

We can at least hope that the IC, when you are no longer around to blame and yet WH keeps blaming you for everything anyway, will see what he is doing and take over the steering wheel again.

Alright, Slammed, I'll say it again.

Plan B.

Reread your posts. Your preoccupation with WH and OW is unhealthy ... FOR YOU.

YOU need Plan B. YOU need to let go. YOU need to get a life without him.

And let the future be the future. It's not in your hands. And wondering what he's thinking or not thinking changes nothing.

Thanks not-so-you-neak,
I hope that's the case ! I've talked to my IC about the situation and she felt his IC might be more perceptive in seeing through WH's "story" than I've thought, but agreed it was a good idea for me to discontinue participating so he would get back to the real issues he's there for.
I'd had not thought of it, but she suggested he also might
be sticking on the same subject over and over again as a
way of avoiding the real subject at hand- HIM.

Should we get to the point of reconciliation and ready to
do actual MC, I'd be glad to join him again, although I
don't think I'd want to go back to that counselor- I have
lost confidence in her as being very good with that subject.

Does anyone have any ideas or feedback on the recent change
in WH's behavior (no longer calling, asking me to do things,
going to Dr/IC on his own) and the calls from (possibly)OW?

Also, off the subject, but how do you change your subject
name ??

Please reread Ark's post, and take it to heart.

Please, for your own sake, start thinking about something else -- like your own future.

Hey! I think I get it! I think I get why so many of you hesitate to go to Plan B!

You are waiting till there's no hope left. When there's nothing left, you'll take Plan B as a last-chance option.

This is NOT the way to do Plan B! You do Plan B when you sense that your love is starting to ebb. You go to Plan B before the WS has transferred all the ENs to the new person. You go when the WS still has positive feelings about you.

Don't wait till there's no hope left -- and then wonder why Plan B doesn't "work."

Thanks A.M.,
(BTW, those are my first and middle name initials too) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have been ready to go to Plan B for some time now, just
was waiting until we completed our land sale since I have
to see him then, and was going to use it as an opportunity
to give him the letter. Was supposed to be two weeks ago,
but WH went out of town due to his father's hospitalization,
and now is being rescheduled sometime this month.

I'm not fearful or hesitant of going to Plan B, don't think about it as a "last hope" and I'm not going there because my love for WH is fading (it isn't), but rather I hope it will put an end to the "cake-eating" that WH has been SO good at! (if only he put that much effort into his
being honest and working on the M, we wouldn't be here now).

I don't know how well OW is meeting his EN's- but she moved in so quick, WH didn't have much change to get lonely, bored
or scared being on his own.
From what I can tell, WH did still have positive feelings
about me and US, but with his recent change of behavior, I
don't really know how he feels.

I do think about, dwell on and worry about things a lot less
than I used to, but it's tough because WH and my M have
always been very important to me, and no matter how "dark"
I go, I'm still going to be thinking of and missing H, our
life, and will wonder what's going on with WH.
However, I have always worked, been involved with community events and activities, had hobbies, done things with family and friends, and traveled, from before I was ever married, to while I was happily married, and am the same now with this situation, so that won't be changing. If we divorce, I'll be here in the same place, doing the same things too-
(in a smaller house and with less money however).

I hope it won't be too late for Plan B to help- guess I
won't know until I try (and it should be pretty easy now
that WH has changed his M.O. and isn't making contact or
showing any interest at all).
Slammed

Well, they ain't mine. I made this name up out of my head.



Then you'll miss the point of Plan B. It is to prepare you for divorce or recovery. It is accepting that you have no control over the affair or its outcome, and are moving on with your life.

If you are still obsessed with WH, then you won't be moving towards recovery. Instead of becoming stronger, you will be in a more depleted state for whatever outcome you will be facing.

I'm glad that you are involved in community activities. Start telling us about your new life.

I know you have been frog-marched into it, against your will. So have many of us (me included). But start doing the stuff you always dreamed of doing -- but couldn't before.

Sorry, A.M, thought we might have similiar names if those
were your initials <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I understand what you are saying about Plan B- and wish that
there was a "switch" one could flip to "off" and just stop
caring or thinking of the WS. That part is really hard- !
I do accept though, that I have no control over the A or its
outcome, don't spy, snoop, dwell, or hear anything about WH
(no mutual friends or family to pass any info) so I'm not
sitting home waiting for him to come back-

I'm not sure about a "new life".
What I mean by that is I've been doing the same things all my adult life as far as working full-time, doing things w/ family and friends, community activities, travel, and the upkeep of my home.
If we do divorce, I'll still be doing all those same things,
just without H. There aren't any things I've always wanted
to do, missed out on,or dreamed of, because I've been able
to do those things before and while I've been married, so
I don't feel like I have anything to plan, do differently,
or do, that's "new". Maybe I'm stuck in a rut !??
Slammed

It's been a quiet week, so not much to report-

No contact from WH. It's a very odd, uncomfortable feeling
to have such a change- from his calling almost daily to
nothing, to his asking me to get together, to nothing, and
to him having gone to his IC and Dr on his own, after I'd
gone every time previously. He hasn't even stopped by the
house to pick up his mail or see the dog, which he could
do while I'm at work if he wants to avoid seeing me-
Don't understand what changed or happened, and no way to
know, so I'm trying not to "analyze" it, but I am curious.

I'm working as hard as I can to get my sales up, so have
been working though lunch, staying late, following up on
every phone call or message, and "pushing" all I can, but feel like it's almost impossible to meet the high sales I need for the next couple months in order to keep my job.
Talked to my IC about the job situation last night, and
she suggested the same things I'd mostly already thought
of as far as trying to "network" to see if there's other
jobs in the same career field but a different position,
other jobs I could do with the same skills, or something
I could do with some classes or training that wouldn't
take too long or be too expensive.

I'm still getting calls at home that say "Private Caller"
and I do wonder if it is OW, either calling to see if I'm
out at the same time WH is not home, or wanting to talk to
me. Perhaps it is not her calling, but don't know what else
it would be- ??

Our land sale closing has been re-scheduled for end of next
week, and that's when I plan to give WH the PBL.

Slammed

I don't think you need to be there at the same time for the closing.

I just did a closing with some family members and we never saw each other.

The lawyer will probably let you and your WH sign separately.

Go ahead and start Plan B prior to the closing.

He is trying to make it work with her right now...binging on her... and needs to know ASAP that you are not sitting there waiting for him.

For your own sense of self-respect, it is important to give him that clear and direct message.

Nice to hear from you Mimi !

Your explanation of the recent change in his actions does
make sense. Perhaps WH is on his "best behavior" and trying
hard to live up to his promises to OW (after all, he did promise her "the moon"). Or, maybe he's trying to keep her at his house ,if there ever really was a plan for her to be there just until she found a new place herself. Part of that
might even be him wanting her to be there so she can drive him to and from his community service project everyday ~

I do still plan to give WH the PB letter even though it
seems he's gone to "Plan B" before I had the chance !
I still wanted to make my intentions clear as well as give
the "directions" home, and understand the necessity of him
knowing I'm not sitting around "waiting" for him.

I did previously check to see if we could do the land sale
closing seperately, but was advised we both have to "appear
"together" unless one of has "power of attorney" for the
other. (There is no lawyer or realtor involved- it's a
private sale just through the title company). It has been
reschedule for next Thursday. Should I try to give WH the
letter before that, or just stay out of contact until then
and give the letter there ?

Slammed