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slammed
yes....i certainly DO get why you are so hurt,,,and i'm sure scared too...because your H might get a new dog
my H said he was going to get one also....he may have already
it hurts so much to be replaced by OW....then to have him replace your home, your things.....your LIFE with him
but, like me, you still want so much for him to ocme back....the more he replaces.....the less likely it seems
we both loved our dogs so much.....the thought of him replaceing them....really seems permanant.....
what is wrong with these men!!!!
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Thanks, Mimi, For the reminder that there is no benefit to talking to OW or letting WH know she still tries to call here. The more I thought about it and remembered how ugly it was to talk to her before, the more I do not want to be involved in any way with her and her little "games", nor do I want to hear anything about her and WH, things they have been doing, things he's supposedly said, etc... I also remembered that WH did "defend me" to some degree when he knew she was calling here before, but more often he would fuss at ME for talking to her (even though she was the one who called me). I think he probably is frustrated with OW for her phone games (calling his XGF, snooping on his phone, answering his phone, calling here, etc.) but he isn't going to shut down his own "booty call" and "high", right ???!
From all the things I know and can deduct, I do think that OW moved out of WH's house around a month ago, apparently to a rural area outside town where costs are lower and OW could have her horses and dogs. I'd assume her moving out meant they had some sort of fight, she gave WH an "ultimatum", or something happened, and maybe they did "break up" for a short time, but if they followed their own pattern of several past "breakups", it wasn't long and both were back on the phone, promising each other "the moon", spending weekends at each other's houses, and are probably fully back involved. Seems like people who have to keep breaking up and making back up to sustain any kind of a relationship, who had no basis in honesty from the start, who both know each other to be cheaters and liars, and who have nothing in common would have seen the affair for what it was and ended it ages ago, but not these two- they just keep going back for more, regardless of all the damage in their wakes. Both seem to share some real traits of addiction, obsession, and co-dependency, for sure !
Am anxious for my little trip next week- and am trying to use the time before I go to get rested up, get the house and yard caught up, get a little tan ("self tanner"), will do a manicure/pedicure, plan a new outfit, etc.. so I can feel good before I go and hopefully have a great time-
Slammed
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Well, nothing new to report - just another day of doing some job hunting, running a few errands, straightening up around the house, and doing some yard work, weather permitting ~
Went to an "orientation" at the local "Work Force" Center yesterday (mandatory since I filed for unemployment) which was okay- had to register as a "job seeker" listing my job experience, skills, type of work sought, etc. and also got a pass card that I can use to access their facilities if I want to use the computers, copiers, fax, etc.. to job hunt. While down in that area of town I stopped and had lunch at my parent's house, so at least got out for awhile, which was nice. I do try to get out of the house some each day, but still am feeling very "housebound", bored, lonely, tired, frustrated and depressed. My attitude is not good right now.
Thanks ,EAV, I knew you'd understand about the dog, since your "boys" were very important in you and H's life, and like your "kids" too. The more I thought about WH mentioning that he might be getting a dog, the more I think he's probably done it, mostly because he has always tended to think about things for awhile before even mentioning them, so his saying he "might" probably means he was going to, or even already had. I know there's nothing I can do about it, but it does hurt that our dog is here with me, not getting any of his care or attention and he's "replaced" her too, just like me, our house, our life, with "newer models". I do love our dog, am glad to have her companionship, esp. since WH left, but it's a lot of work, expense, and time and effort. Just this morning I woke up to find our dog had been sick in the night and had several accidents downstairs so had to start the day cleaning up really yucky mess !
Don't know why WH would have wanted a pet since he works long hours and will have to leave them alone alot, he's also not one for cleaning up messes, and likes to sleep or watch TV to relax, when a dog will be wanting to go out and play or walk- don't know if he felt lonely and wanted a companion, if it's just another addition to his "MLC toy collection", or if it had to do with OW (she has two dogs) ? Guess it probably has no bearing on our situation, and would not make/break us reconciling in the future, as if we did get back together we would just have two dogs, and that'd be okay.
I'm going to call a friend and see if she's available for lunch, then go (with or without her) to eat, run a few errands, do a little shopping. Looks like it might get stormy later, but if not I'll mow the yard, and if so, I'll watch a movie. I have IC tonight, which is probably good. Slammed
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It's been a busy few days, although nothing too exciting. The rest of last week was just "more of the same"- my daily schedule of job hunting, house/yard work, errands, and I'm also starting to get ready for my upcoming trip.
Went downstairs to turn on the sprinkler water Thurs night and found the carpet near the utility room was damp. A further look revealed water on the floor under the water heater, so made a call to my Dad who came over right away. We pulled the "blanket" off the heater, and discovered leaks in several places, so as you can guess, I had to get a new hot water heater. I'm fortunate that my Dad is well-versed in plumbing, so was able to install the new one for me, but it was still an expense to get a new one (about $300), which I really didn't need right now. Still haven't gotten any money from Unemployment, although I did get a notice that I was "eligible". This notice also goes to my former company however, who can "appeal", so don't know how it will go.
Friday I did have two nice things happen- I went out to lunch with my former co-worker and felt really good to hear that I am missed and appreciated at my old job. She gave her notice just last week and will be moving out of state at the end of this week, so was hustling to get her files in shape, clients notified, and help with training the new agent. Seems my former company has now gone from being over-staffed to being severely under-staffed and the new part time person they hired to replace me is very timid, not very experienced and will likely have a hard time with making the sales quota. Secondly, I got a call from a job I applied for, and have an interview later this week ! The position is for a "Travel Coordinator" with a national sports organization, and is the best "fit" with my experience and skills of any of the jobs I've applied for. I believe it is salaried, not a commission type job, and should have benefits, so hopefully the pay is okay and it will work out. Will keep you posted !
The rest of the weekend was cool, rainy, and somewhat dull. I am trying to do a thorough cleaning of the house prior to my trip (leaving this coming Sat), so worked on that, did some laundry, ran some errands, and went to dinner with a friend Sat. night. Today I am continuing with job search work, have done a load of linens, will be going to the store later, and will give myself a pedicure.
Got an email from WH on Saturday. It was short- he just said he was happy to be back at work after finishing his Community Service, and then asked if we still had the "baby gate" we had gotten when our dog was a puppy, because he'd like to have it to keep his dog from going down the stairs. (So, looks like he did get the dog, after all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Lastly, he told me his D13 had called and wanted money for volleyball at school, so he had sent her some and deposited some extra money in our checking to make up for it. I found this interesting since earlier this year his D13 had wanted to come visit, stay the summer, or even mentioned coming to live with him, and then got mad at WH because she hasn't seen him for over a year and wasn't getting much response from him (of course he didn't want her to know that he can't drive to see her since he lost his license, that he was busy all summer doing Comm Service, or that he was still living with OW at the time), so D13 had very dramatically said she "disowned" WH, that he was "dead to her", and she quit calling for several months. Don't know if they patched things up, or if she's just back in contact now that she wants money for something ??!
Guess I'd better get back to work... Slammed
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Hi Slammed,
I'm so excited and happy for you that you have your first interview this week! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I know you will be great!
I got an offer from the job (not the one I was interviewing for in May-July time frame, but the other one popped up in July). Even though I managed to not lose my current one, this new position presents much better career opportunities, and I decided to take it. It will be more stressful, but hopefully after a year of going through what I went though, I am a bit stronger to handle the stress. I just gave the HR person my accepting the position over the phone this morning, and she has immediately FedEx the paperwork. I'm excited but also nervous too, but I am trying to stay positive!
I have been quite comfortable with my current job, which I have held for 5 years. If WH did not file for D, I would not have had the nervous breakdown (??) which caused so much stress, pain, and suffering. And I could have stayed focused on my job, and would have never put on probation this spring. Then again, if this unfortunate event did not take place, I would have never applied for this new position, which is a career step-up for me. Quite interesting, isn't it?
I am sorry to hear about your water heater, but am glad your dad lives nearby and seems to be very handy.
I wouldn't worry too much about the dog - in a way, it shows that your WH is very lonely. He needs someone or pets to come to the door to greet him. He needs to go through that before realizing the mistake he has made, if he will ever come to the point.
Milk
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interview later this week ! The position is for a "Travel Coordinator" with a national sports organization, Sounds like a GREAT job for you! I'll keep my fingers crossed. Any more talk from WH about you moving? Not that you would talk to him in plan B.
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Thanks Milk and ChaCha, I am excited about the interview- was beginning to feel like the resumes and applications I had been sending were just going "off in space" somewhere since I hadn't been hearing anything ! Had applied for some other positions, which were either Admin Assistants or H/R related, but this travel related one is much more "down my alley", and I had a strong resume for what they were asking for. I'll keep you posted-
I'm glad to hear about your job situation, Milk. Sounds like your efforts are paying off with a new, great opportunity. How soon will you start the new job ?
I do feel upset about WH getting a dog, in the manner that it feels like him just "replacing" another part of our life, but am trying to keep it in perspective too. It doesn't seem like a very well-though out plan, since WH works long hours, can't have a fenced yard, isn't much for cleaning up, never wanted our dog to ride in his nice vehicle, may want to go out of town at times, etc... but he is the one who has to deal with it...
There's been no further mention of putting the house up for sale or my needing to move, which I assume has been WH being a little bit "nice" since he knew I lost my job. Won't be too surprised if he starts up again soon though,since he's now done with his Comm Service and back to regular schedule with more free time, especially if I start working again. Of course, I'm sure he is not too happy that the better buying season, of summer, is almost over.
Met a friend for lunch this afternoon and when I got home there was a message from WH's daughter, my SD13, just saying: "Slammed, thanks for the money, bye". Guess she is referring to the money her Dad sent her for volleyball at school, per her request, but thought it was funny she left the message here, and for me, rather than calling her Dad on his cell. I think she, along with her Mom, and WH's Mom, Dad, and brother have just a sketchy idea of what is going on with WH, so perhaps she thought I sent it- who knows...
It's a rainy, cool night- guess I will finish some upstairs housework and watch a movie tonight. Slammed
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It's been a busy week as I've been getting ready for my trip, and today had the job interview. It ended up being with the CFO, as well as two other people which was a bit intimidating, but they were nice and from what I could tell, it seemed to go well. Sounded like they are looking to fill the job fairly soon, so hopefully I will hear something back quickly. Didn't discuss pay, but the company sounds nice, the job "right up my alley", and they had good benefits.
At home, I've been cleaning, have done up my laundry, ran errands, and mowed the lawn, in preparation for going out of town. To "spiff" myself up a bit, I've been trying to get to bed a little earlier each night, added some new exercises to my routine, have been putting on some self tanner each day, using my teeth "white strips", and last night had my best friend come over and highlight my hair. Also had a pedicure, and plan to do my nails before I go- that and packing is all I have left to do.
Nothing new with WH, except that his D13 called here again and left a message for either WH or I to please call her. Then, her Mother called and left a message, saying she needed either WH or I to call her regarding the money WH had sent D13 for volleyball last week. I don't know why they call here when they have WH's cell number, and didn't want to get involved in it, so sent a short email to WH giving him the message, and asking that when he call he remind them to call his cell. Just a short time later, his XGF (mother of D13) left another message here, saying they were calling because there was a problem with the check we had sent- apparently D13 tried to change the amount on it ! Her Mom had caught it, knew the bank wouldn't take it, and was calling to ask WH to send a new check. No more calls, so I assume WH did finally call them back and take care of it. I'm glad it was his issue to deal with, that would have made me really mad and I sure hope both her Mom and WH talked to D13 about what she had done !
Will be wrapping some things up tomorrow, then will stay the night at my parents, so they can take me to the airport early Sat morning for my flight. They will keep the dog while I'm gone, so I don't have to worry about that. I would love it if I get to see a long-time friend while I'm in Cal. but don't know yet if it will work out, so I'm not counting on it, so as not to be disappointed. Will be back Wed pm- so hope all have a good weekend. Slammed
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sounds like you are very excited about your vacation! my visit home was all work, no play....
did you find out for sure thatyour H got the dog?
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I'm glad to hear that your interview went well. Have a wonderful time in CA!!
Milk
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Thanks Eav and Milkshake- I got home last night; tired, sunburned and with blisters from all the walking I did, but did have a good time on my trip ! Had thought I might feel funny going alone, or not have enough to do, but ended up doing okay and having more to do than I had time, as always. Did enjoy doing a bit of family tree "sleuthing" (visited a cemetery where some of my ancestors are buried), went to the beach, spent a day at Universal Studios, full day at Disneyland, drove down the coast to see resort beach towns, went shopping, and had a couple of nice meals. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see my old friend, as his job had him at the other end of the state while I was there.
Was surprised to get a msg from WH on Fri. night before I left, wishing me a nice time on my trip. (In an email last week passing on a phone message to him, I had said I'd be out of town for XXX dates). Then, got a message from WH on Sun. saying he was "just touching base" with me, and also that he'd stopped by our house for a couple of his "things", Didn't want to get my hopes up, but his messages did make me wonder if things were falling apart with OW, or if he might be thinking of wanting to reconcile ? After I got home I could tell he had taken a few shirts from his closet (still lots of his clothes here), as well as his set of luggage, and an antique glass dish that was his grandmothers which we had in our dining room. Seemed like odd things to take ???! He also left a bag of our dog's favorite treats on the kitchen table. (probably felt guilty because of his getting his own dog)
Today, I was finishing unpacking and getting ready to do laundry when I heard the dog bark and the doorbell ring- looked downstairs and WH was at the front door ! I was very surprised as WH has never just stopped by. The dog was going nuts to see him, and I just went down to see what he wanted. He didn't want to seem to come in, just stayed at the door, but had some receipts from our joint account to give me, then looked sheepish and handed me paperwork. I looked at it and realized it was divorce paperwork !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I was very stunned, but tried to keep my wits, and had a brief conversation, that went something like this: Me: What is this ?
WH: It's the divorce paperwork- we need to get it done.
ME: I don't want us to get divorced, as you know.
WH: Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want to be married. I want to be on my own, do my own thing, and get on with my life.
ME: I wish that you'd just be honest and say that you want to be with OW- obviously you are still involved with her.
WH: Well, that's none of your business, and has nothing to do with this.
ME: Of course it has to do with this- it's the whole reason for everything that has happened. If you'd end it, we could have a fresh start.
WH: I don't want a fresh start, I don't want this, I don't want to be with you. It's been a long time since I was happy in this marriage or with you. I care about you and Gracie (dog), but I don't love you like you need to, to be married. I don't know if I ever really loved you "like that". (ouch) I think you always thought things were going well, that we were having fun and doing things, but it really wasn't that way to me.
ME: I realize you don't feel that way now, but you did before and could again. You don't now, because of your A with OW, but if you'd end it I think your feelings would change drastically. We never had any big problems, just some small things we could change, which with love, time, forgiveness and patience could really make a difference. We could get back to a happy life for a family that now has two dogs. (tried to sound cheerful)
WH: (Getting frustrated and/or mad) I don't care about any of that, it's done, I've distanced myself from you and the dog, I've made up my mind, and nothing you can say or do is going to change it. I want to move on, do my own thing, not have ties or obligations. I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of you saying the same things, I'm tired of us arguing about it.
ME: What about going to counseling ?
WH: There's no point in that- you aren't listening to what I am telling you. Accept it. Get a life, grow up, get over it and move on. (repeated this several times).
ME: I am listening to what you are saying, WH, but I don't agree with you and feel that a divorce is the wrong thing to do, and disaster we'd both have to live with forever. We were best friends for 11 years, I can't imagine not being able to talk about funny little things the dogs do, go on trips together, share our little jokes and give each other support and love, like we used to.
WH: Well, that's just how life is.
ME: Are you really willing to give all that, your home, your family, all that we had up, for someone you barely know and don't see for what/how she really is ? I'm very sorry if you felt unhappy or discontent, and I have always felt like it has to be at least partly due to your illnesses, not all because of me or the marriage.
WH: I disagree, and it really doesn't matter anyway.
ME: I wish I would have known how you felt, or you would have been willing to talk or do something about it, not get involved with another person. All that relationship has seemed to bring you is more disaster, WH, and you still don't seem like you are happy or content.
WH: I'm fine. And you need to get over this, on your own.
ME: IF you insist on doing something, why don't we do a LS ?
WH: No, I don't want a seperation, I want this to be over. It's dragged on way too long as it is.
ME: Are you doing this because you've been thinking about it, sitting on the fence and not knowing what to do for so long now, and had to decide something ? I think it's the wrong decision, WH. Or is it an ultimatum from OW, who is so determined to have you and get married ? What, is she pregnant again ? (I know, shouldn't have said it, but I was getting mad and upset and it came out).
WH: (didn't comment about remark) Just said "I need to get back to work, and you need to get the paperwork signed and notarized so I can file it. If you won't do it, then I'll have to take it downtown, file it, and have it served, which is stupid when it just costs us both more.
Then, he left. I shut the door, felt sick, sat on the floor and cried until I was exhausted. Know I probably said more than I should have and that trying to talk reasonably or logically with a WS doesn't get anywhere, but I felt like I needed to say how I felt. WH seemed so cold, so distant and so unlike even his recent messages on the weekend which were friendly and nice- I don't get it !!????
This is exactly the same thing he did with the paperwork last year- he got it, filled out the basic information on the initial forms, wanted me to sign it, then he kept it and did nothing for almost two months, before he filed it. We had to go to an informational conference in late Nov, at which we told the intermediary that we were considering reconciliation, then did nothing further and never did file the settlement or financial information, which is why the whole thing expired in March. Now he has the same initial forms filled out again (looks like he even copied the same info from last year's forms), wants me to sign/notarize it, and then may or may not take it to file. (last year he didn't do it until the day after OW had called me, exposed the A, and found out WH had lied about so much to her, which made me feel he did it out of spite and anger). There's nothing I've done that should be making him angry (except not "accept" it, agree with his WS "story" or buy his story that "it has nothing to do w/ OW) since we've not even been in contact, so I can only guess that his reason to do this, now, in a hurry again is an ultimatum from OW. I'm positive he is still seeing her, and there must still be drama going on, as I have had more "private caller" calls on the phone, several while I was out of town and that always seems to happen when they are fighting, etc. (I blocked her home number so she can't call from there, but she could call from another phone, her cell, etc.)
I know when this happened last year that the attorney said I might as well sign the paperwork- it doesn't mean you agree or want to divorce, and has no bearing on any of the settlement or details, just basically means you acknowledge the paperwork. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do to keep it from happening.
I'm so, SO upset, hurt, disappointed, and frustrated that I've done everything I can think of, from Plan A to B, remained loving, supportive, faithful and kind during a full year of the affair now and then this happens...
Also feel bummed that I've heard nothing back from the job I interviewed for last week, and nothing on any of the other less desirable jobs either. Can't believe WH would do this now, when he knows I am looking for a job...
Help please Slammed
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I sent a message to the person I interviewed with, just letting him know I was back from out of town, appreciated his time last week, and was excited about their position and convinced it was a great "fit" but didn't get any reply yet. I'm feeling very discouraged that I didn't hear anything from him after a week, even if to say they had filled the position, just so I'd know.
With that, the situation with WH today, and still feeling very tired from my trip, I'm very down tonight. Realized while ago that I've not eaten anything all day, so need to have something decent for dinner. Could't reach my best friend, to at least vent.
Feel like I've nothing I've done has made any difference on WH. Guess I always thought that being loving, supportive, having a great friendship, our history and length of time together, and our dog would bring him back, but now he seems long and faraway gone and I feel like I'm invisible. After all he said today, I feel about one inch tall, fat, ugly, stupid, and pathetic.
Thoughts, ideas, or just hugs please. It's going to be a tough night.
Slammed
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(((((Slammed)))))
I'm so sorry, wish I could give you something more than just a hug. You will be in my prayers.
Marflow
WH-49
Me-40
M-16 yrs
DS-16
DS-12
D-Day 4/14/06
WH moved out 5/21/06
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Slammed, I wish you would stick to NC, because you didn't have to go through this conversation with him. "Plan B" isn't a recipe for infallible marital recovery -- it is to protect you from scenes like this. It is to prepare you for recovery OR divorce.
You are in a job search. You need your energy for that, not this.
Please stay in NC. It ain't over till it's over. But a long relationship conversation at your front door is going to solidify him in his position, and debilitate you.
"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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I strongly recommend for you to get the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH tomorrow. You have got to read that book! If you don't want to spend the money, try to get it from the library. I'm so sorry to say this but you did everything that is NOT recommended by Dobson.
It's not over just as AM said. My FWH gave almost the EXACT SAME SPEECH to me VERBATIM..when I went into the BEGGING AND PLEADING MODE..which you did...The WS finds this to be UNATTRACTIVE. It is important to become TOUGH, Slammed.
I wish I could help you understand the importance and value of PLAN B..just as stated by AM....
You were not supposed to tell him about you going out of town..you were not supposed to open the door when he came by...etc. etc. etc. DARK, DARK, DARK!!!
Too late to do anything about the past now...
Time to get serious about this, Slammed....
NO MORE BIG MISTAKES..like this....
OK?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thanks Mimi and AM. It does help to know this might not really be the end, even though it feels like the end of the world right now.
I do understand about staying dark and have tried to stick with NC as best I could, only sending a periodic email when necessary about finances, or to pass on a phone message from WH's D13. I realize now I didn't need to add the line about my going out of town. As far as the conversation at the door, however, I don't know how I could have avoided it since the front door was wide open and WH could see right in. When the dog saw him and went nuts I went to see what she was barking about, and there he was standing at the door, and could see me through the screen. I realize I said more than needed, and that my trying to reason, or "make a case" for our M or a fresh start were pointless with a WS, however, and I can see how it would be unattractive. What does one say when handed divorce paperwork however ? What should I have done ?
And, what to do now about this paperwork ? I'm sure WH will be calling and/or stopping by again since he wants me to sign it so he can go file. Obviously it's not what I want, and I don't want to make it easy or give the impression that I'm okay with it, but is there a point to refusing and being served (and having to pay for it) or just signing it and seeing if WH really does file it ? As I mentioned, I signed it (almost same exact time last year), expecting WH would run right down and file, then he sat on it for two months, and filed only after he was mad I had talked to OW and she pressed him about getting D. Don't know that he'd do the same thing again, but he does seem to be following same pattern...
I do have and have read "Love Must be Tough" several times. I know I need to be tougher, and have worked on becoming more independent and strong. It has been very hard as I was brought up to be "nice", unselfish, loving, kind, etc. so it goes against my instincts and grain to not be "nice". Another thing making it tough right now is the job situation and having to dependent on WH for financial support-
Also, something that's just started to bother me recently is that I feel like I'm losing the support of some friends and family as far as recovering my M. I feel like people, even my parents, have given up on WH as a "lost cause", and feel like I should be giving up and moving on. Part of me feels that way at times too, but my strong reaction today, and even feelings I had on my trip (felt some pangs of sadness, sentimentalism when I was at places I had been with WH) make me know I'm not ready to give up yet. Don't give up on me yet either, please !
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Joined: Apr 2005
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There is a reason the Harleys recommend up to an 18 month Plan B. This isn't over yet!
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Joined: Feb 2003
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I don't know if it's over or not over. I didn't mean to extend false hope. Or anything at all.
Stick with what works. Be pragmatic. Encounters set YOU back. Forget about him.
You do have to move on. Your friends want you to move on. Plan B is about moving on. Your friends don't want to see you weepy and bedraggled and obsessed with WH -- and they're right. You shouldn't be.
The only difference between Plan B and being free and single is that you aren't dating anyone or making long-term plans.
No contact with kids can be hard -- but be creative.
As for the paperwork -- get a lawyer. Don't count on him not being serious. Be prepared for business. Know what your rights are. Know what your options are.
Remember that famous line from Faye Dunaway in "Chinatown"? "I never get nasty, Mr. Geddes. My lawyer does."
If he figures it out -- fine. If he doesn't -- get your ducks in a row.
He may not "love" you -- but you can make sure he respects you. That's part of being tough.
"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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Joined: Dec 2002
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It does help to know this might not really be the end, even though it feels like the end of the world right now. I'm so sorry for you, Slammed. I certainly know how it FEELS like the end of the world. It certainly is not. Just recall your vacation to know that there's a lot of world left out there. As far as the conversation at the door, however, I don't know how I could have avoided it since the front door was wide open and WH could see right in. When the dog saw him and went nuts I went to see what she was barking about, and there he was standing at the door, and could see me through the screen. This is all in hindsight, I know. BUT, you could have "SLAMMED" the door in his face....and then locked it...if he came on in with his key, you would have run to a room in your house and locked the door. He is being TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL of you. How about if you had showed up at HIS HOUSE? He totally ignored the PLAN B letter! What does one say when handed divorce paperwork however ? What should I have done ? Another indication of how he disrespects you. He should not feel comfortable doing this to you. He needs to contact your lawyer...and if you stay dark this is what he will have to do. I can't recall the details of your situation right now but in no way should you sign any paperwork that he has brought to you in such a disrespectful manner. Let him find a way to get it to you. Make him do all the hard work. Sign only when you are good and ready to sign not when he wants you to. I'm sure WH will be calling and/or stopping by again since he wants me to sign it so he can go file. Didn't we talk about changing your phone number? If he shows up, don't answer the door. If he comes in anyways, do as I suggested above. Pick up and read LOVE MUST BE TOUGH again, Slammed. You didn't get it. You have a much greater chance of reconciling with your WH if you gain his RESPECT. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO DISRESPECT YOU. Give him the message that you don't want him until he wants you. I told my H this, quoting almost directly from LOVE MUST BE TOUGH..although you don't need to talk to your WH now, give him this message..."OK, you don't want me. I'll sign the papers"..But, sign them on your own terms..where, when and how you want to sign them. First and foremost, BE NICE TO YOURSELF!!! Of course, I won't give up on you, Slammed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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