Have some hope whatever the outcome.

Don't tailspin into his problems -- even thinking about them.

Maybe God has something better for you in mind than being a lifelong nurse.

I don't say that harshly or lightly -- I have been in the same boat, with a WH who had problems way beyond my fixing.

Thanks A.M, I like your outlook, and knowing you have had
a similiar situation helps. I am trying to have some hope.

Very agitated and upset this morning !

Had an call early this morning, from a credit card company
urgently trying to reach WH, in order to verify "unusual
activity" on his credit card, with usage taking place in
LAS VEGAS !!
Although I had a "feeling" that WH had gone away for the
weekend with OW, this call certainly verified that, and for
some reason ever since, I am feeling very, very upset and
crying.

I know nothing that WH does should EVER surprise me anymore
and that I shouldn't care what WH does, but knowing he went
with her on a trip when we used to go on lots of trips and
have a great time, and especially to Vegas, where he and I
went for our anniversary and Valentine's Day back in Feb.
(during what ended up being false recovery)makes me livid !

Seems like WH had a chance to break free of the affair and
give us and our marriage a chance at a fresh start when OW
moved out of his house and they "broke up" a month ago, but
instead he has responded to HER ultimatum by filing D papers
and taking her on a trip for THEM to have a "fresh start".
(Staying somewhere nice and all paid for by him, so as to
"impress" of course).

Had strange fleeting thoughts, like just "happening" to be
at the airport when they get home this afternoon, or going
by WH's house since I know he is not there, and of course,
I'm not going to do anything of the sort, but part of me
wanted WH to know that I KNOW. Funny, but even though he might just say he can do whatever he wants, because we're
"seperated" and getting D, I can guarantee that WH would
deny going, make excuses, minimize it, say that he wasn't
with OW, and otherwise not want to me to know or be upset
about it, just because that's how he is and can never admit
the truth about his affair or her.

I know I've mentioned several times that WH seems to keep
following the same pattersn over again, and this is another
example, as WH and OW went to Las Vegas about this same time
last year ! After "meeting" online and lots of talking on
the phone, email and TM, they both flew there to meet last
Aug.,in person. And, to add more irony, WH's credit card
company had called here that time too, which is how I had
found out where he was. (At the time I didn't know about OW
and he insisted he had gone alone). Strange, huh ?

Well, I feel better after the vent. It's been a l-o-n-g
weekend, for sure.
Slammed

OK. Long weekend. But that still doesn't give you time to tailspin.

My WH did exactly the same thing. Took OW to "our" spots. (I hope they were haunted!)

There's absolutely zero you can do about this. So let it be a washout.

Thanks A.M.,
You're right, there is nothing I can do about this, but I
sure do hope everwhere WH went WAS haunted with memories of OUR trip and that they drove each other nuts and had a ROTTEN time ! (probably a great and romantic time though, as both would be on their "best behavior" trying to "sell" themselves to get back "together".)

Funny how the timing of the trip coincides with WH pushing
about the D paperwork, just "HAVING to have it", and not
even waiting until I could find a job, isnt it ?
I'm sure OW going on the tripand considering taking WH back MUST be tied in with him having to "prove" himself by filing
for D. Hope everything he's lost/is losing was worth all the
money WH probably blew just for a booty call weekend.

Slammed

Hi slammed,
I've been keeping up w/ your thread just not posting much. You've been in my prayers. I hope the job market opens up for you soon.

As for your WH...to bad your H isn't around to kick his azz.

I have one question.



How did you NOT say "Oh my, I don't know how that could happen my H is here in town!" You coulda had some fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good morning slammed,

I'm sorry to hear what you heard over the weekend, about Las Vegas trip. Sounds like you knew before the credit card company called....UGH!!! It's amazing the insight we have to our husbands good....and bad!!

But...I agree with AM, don't tailspin, it will only drive you crazy. You will never be able to figure him out illnesses/adultery and all!!! He's hurt you, but the saddest of all, in the end his soul will be hurting the most, and there isn't a thing you can do about it, it's his choice...he's gonna crash, in a matter of time...and there isn't a pill, house, dog, OW in this world that will make him better. You've done all you can slammed. Him and OW are wallowing in the mud...nothing romantic about that..YUCK YUCK!!

I hope that your job search goes well this week, or possibly unemployment ins. will come in for you.

Blessings,
Lady

You say:



I just want to add that this is most probably a ROMANTICIZED ASSUMPTION of yours.

I learned the hard way that YOU will never, ever be able to fully comprehend the nature of his relationship with the OW. It is not at all comparable to the nature of a normal relationship or his relationship with YOU....

So please stop this, Slammed.

Such theorizing will not help you.

You continue to try to MAKE SENSE out of NONSENSICAL BEHAVIOR...

(((((SLAMMED)))))

ChaCha- thanks, I like the way you think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Did wonder if WH might have run into a problem if he tried
to use the credit card to pay at the hotel or other, since
they probably had "frozen" or "flagged" his card, based on
the "unusual activity" and had a small, devious smile at
that thought. Hope your situation turns for the positive.

Lady- thanks for the reminder that no house, dog, car, job,
or OW is going to make WH happy or satisfied. I do think he
is going to come out of the FOG eventually and see all the
mess he made of everything, but so hoped it would be while
we still had a chance to reclaim our life. If anything, he
seems to be even deeper in the fog now-
Would have thought that a year of being with OW, with all
the drama and "breakups", would have burst the bubble and
killed the fantasy of the affair by now, but something sure
seems to keep them fueled.

Mimi- Your'e right, don't know how it is between OW and WH
or how the trip was. Guess I just remember all the fun and
romantic times H and I used to have on our trips and thought
of it as being like that with them (hope not !)

Thanks to you all for the continued support and prayers for
both the situation with WH and my job search.
Had a pretty good day yesterday, as I woke up feeling more
energetic and motivated and got some things done, which made
me feel good. Did some laundry, housework, business letters,
applied for an airline job and filed a resume with another
company, walked the dog, and realized I felt an odd, unusual
"detached" feeling about the whole situation with WH. Just
"went with it" and figured it was a passing mood..

Today I woke up feeling sad and frustrated about WH and
sort of a feeling of "panic" (for lack of better word) that
we are now on a time "countdown" until D and nothing I can
do about it. I so HATE, HATE, HATE everthing about this !!
I really wanted to be able to "wait out" the affair, and
still believe H is still "in there" and would be willing
and ready to reconcile when finally free of OW, or if no
sign of any change and I finally got tired of it, I could
have ended it of my own time and choice, and now I can't
do either, and that's SO frustrating.
Knowing about OW and WH's trip makes me feel like things
with them have "heated" back up, not gone downhill, as I
had hoped when OW moved out. They do seem to only be able
to "sustain" their A for about 2-3 months at a time without
"breaking up" again, but I can't count on it being before
we are out of time (82 days left on waiting period).

I've called a friend to see if she wants to go to lunch and
run some errands, thinking it would do us both good to get
out of the house- if not available, I'll go run my few
errands myself later. Rented a comedy for tonight and will
walk the dog, maybe have a soak in the tub...
Slammed

Continued to work on the job search and did a few things
around the house yesterday afternoon, then ended up going to
my best friend's house last night. We ordered pizza and
watched some movies, so it was a nice evening and nice just
to get out of the house ! She will be starting a new job
next week after not working for more than a year, and I'm
happy for her, but will sure miss being able to talk to her
and do things together during the day- hope it won't be long
until I too, am busy working during the day !

Got an email late yesterday afternoon from WH regarding the
new health insurance we just started in July. Knew at the
time we enrolled there might be a problem, because the new
insurance has no provisions to cover his dependents who are
both out of state and live in small, rural areas where there
are no "network providers". Apparently the Mom of his D10
called, is not happy or satisfied that the new insurance
only covers emergency care and RX, so he was trying to find
out what else could be done. I've always handled our insur.
and did the enrollment forms this time as well, (we are on
his insurance under a "family plan") so he does not know
much about it or understand how it works very well. He said he called his H/R but wasn't really sure what he needed to ask so he wondered if he could ask my "opinion", based on my
"expertise" from dealing with it for years, of what "we"
could do with "our" insurance to help. (I think there was
a little "buttering" up going on there).
I sent a brief, business-like reply this morning with the
only suggestion I could think of that might help.

Still not a word from him as far as telling me he filed the
paperwork, so had I not looked on the courts website, I
still wouldn't know. (nothing yet served or rcvd by mail)
Does he not have the courage to tell me ?
Why wouldn't he want me to know he did it ?
Could he have done something that drastic just to appease
OW before their trip, but still not be sure about it and
think, like last year, "that we can always cancel it at
anytime", or just let it expire again, if "not needed " ??

Today I'm up getting ready, doing some things around the
house, and plan to run some errands with my friend.
I also got an unemployment check so will run by the bank.
I'm pleased to get the check, but a little "leery" about
spending any of it yet, as I've known more than one person
who got the payments, then told they had to repay them when
their former employers "appealed" unemployment. Until I know
that there is no appeal in my case, I'm just going to "bank"
the money, to be safe.

Slammed

Slammed:

I'm mad for you.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

What audacity!!

He files for divorce. Doesn't have the balls to tell you and then asks for your ADVICE????

Then, you try to help him?

Slammed, don't you see how he DISRESPECTED you...and the goal being to gain his RESPECT?

I can just see the jerk...laughing to himself about you catching his bait.

Do you think that you are the only one that he can turn to help him with insurance?

What's he going to do when he divorces you?

Will you still HELP HIM?

Slammed, in PLAN B, you are not supposed to answer his E-MAILS.

In fact, I would recommend that you change your E-MAIL address so he gets that NONDELIVERABLE MESSAGE...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I agree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Mimi and Lady,

Yes, I see the irony, audacity, and just plain nonsensical
behavior in WH filing the paperwork and then still asking
for help with the insurance; it's the way WH has been not
only with me and our situation, but with EVERYTHING and
EVERYONE his WHOLE life.
I think it's much more his co-dependency, big sense of entitlement and his totally being clueless about how it'll be to be divorced than it is disrespect.
I'm actually the one who had the laugh, thinking that the
big "powerful" WH with the fancy car, house, boat, new dog
and OW can't figure out what to do with the insurance !

I don't think WH got a laugh out of it , meant to be disrespectful or thought he was "baiting" me on this since the PBL did say "necessary financial or other business type communication was to be made via email only" (since I had
no one to be an intermediary).
I responded because he did honor my request to stick to just
email and because it was a legitimate question on the health
insurance. I had set it all up and done the enrollment for
everyone, so was the only one who knew how it was done.
I wasn't doing it to help WH, I was trying to help D10, who
needs medical care and has a problem with the insurance.

No, if divorced I certainly won't be helping him with ANY
thing and will be darker than a black hole.
Won't have to worry about the insurance either, since I
would no longer be on his.

Slammed

Given that you know this about him, why are you enabling his actions by allowing him to do this to you, Slammed? Although he may not be purposefully trying to disrespect you, he did disrespect you by treating you the way that he did and you allowed it. I'm not saying this to you to be hurtful. I'm saying this because I believe no one has the right to treat another person like your WH has treated you. You are his wife that he has abandoned for another woman. Then he treats you like his insurance consultant, YUCK... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

IMO, he no longer deserves your help....PERIOD...

Is he helping you find a job?

Back later...

Thanks, Mimi.
I guess I don't understand how I "enabled" WH by my sending
a brief response to his question about how I had set up our
medical insurance and the coverage for his D10 ?
I had thought this was a legitimate question, and that he
had actually shown respect by honoring the request in the
PBL to use email as our only means of correspondence when
necessary for financial/business type matters- (?)

I had concern for D10, as she was trying to get a "Physical"
before school starts next week and had run into a "snag" w/
the insurance. Guess I also felt a little obligated to help
because WH is carrying me on his health insurance, which he
doesn't have to do.
I realize if we do D that he will have to figure it all out
and handle it himself, and of course, I'll be on my own,
without any insurance until I can get it for myself through
a new job.

Back when WH found out I lost my job, and the one time since
that I've talked to him he asked how the job hunt was going
and offered to talk to a connection he has in H/R at one of
our local big companies. Now I don't know if he really was
making a sincere offer of help, just said it to sound "nice"
or it was because he's anxious for me to make money and not
need his support, but he offered.....for whatever its worth.

Rest of the day went okay- I went to run some errands with
a friend and ended up staying at her house until late last
night to help with some things.

Woke up to a cold, rainy and gray day-
I'm not very excited about the coming of Fall, as it was the
favorite season of both H and I. I also dread my upcoming
Bday, Halloween, and the big holidays and being alone again
while WH is with his new little "family" (OW and the dog).
Without a new job yet, and no money to spend, holidays seem
very bleak.

I know things can change very suddenly and have seem some
very unexpected things happen in the past year with WH and
the whole affair, but it's hard to feel any hope right now.
Don't know that there's anything else I can do, but just
sitting here, doing my own thing and trying to move on just
feels SO "passive" and helpless. IS there ANYTHING else I
can do ?
Slammed

Since he's already decided to divorce you, I don't understand why you won't treat him like this now? Give him a slice of what life would be like without you.

"Darker than a black hole" applies to NOW, Slammed. That is an EFFECTIVE PLAN B.

He tested out what life might be like as a divorced man (as he sees himself now) and you continued to be "nice" to him.

I'll tell you this. One of the things that scared my H the most is my insistence that if we divorced, I would be FINISHED with him. I WOULD NOT BE HIS FRIEND!! I made that very clear and I meant it. I would ONLY be his wife. He tried that "friendly" stuff with me. Would I continue to help him with this and that? No way was I going to fill in and meet needs that she could not meet. I GOT TOUGH and he actually found that to be ATTRACTIVE.. He continues to very much ADMIRE that CHANGE in me.

The point of Plan B is for the WS to have to rely on the OW for EVERYTHING and she will fail. What your WH did was more cake-eating and I bet in his mind you will continue to do this for him. He may have been testing this out... YUCK...

Sorry, this may sound cruel but, IMO, it's fact. The 10 year old is not your responsibility. She is the responsibility of your WH and her mother. THIS IS THE CHOICE THAT YOUR WH is making..sacrificing his daughter so that she loses you in her life... and HE needs to suffer the consequences. I guess I would think differently if it was a life and death matter for the little girl but he asked you about INSURANCE...

Never abandon children. (I'm not speaking of insurance, but of XH's daughter in general.)

Whatever becomes of XH -- the kids need a sterling example in their lives. They need a rock.

That's far more important than him.

Thanks Mimi and A.M.,
I like the description of how you made FWH realize you were
not going to be his friend, and how life would be without
you. That's what I have wanted and hoped to show WH by going
to Plan B, but it hasn't seemed to make any difference.
I've almost wondered if, after being a cake-eater and having
his "way" his whole life thanks to his dysfunctional family,
he just views it as my being mad, "sour grapes", an attempt
to "punish" him, and it has more of an affect of making him
frustrated and mad than making him see how things will be ?

The only thing I see as being different between now and if
we are divorced as far as going "black hole" dark, is that
we have to have some contact/correspondence now, due to our
having joint bills, bank accounts, insurance and belongings,
the two houses to settle over, and WH still paying on the
house and expenses.
IF divorced, there will be NOTHING left, and since we've no
kids, no joint friends, he has no family here, and he seems
resigned to giving up our dog since he has his own now,
no reason to ever see, talk, or write each other ever.
We're also in a big enough city that we could go a long,
long time, maybe forever, without bumping into each other.

Funny that WH in an IC session said he did not "need" anyone
and did not want to be with me, or anyone, because he needed
them. Sure contradicts how he acts though, doesn't it ?
He also surprised me in IC by talking about our being best friends being something he really would miss if we split up.
His IC talked about us perhaps being "better off" as friends
than spouses, to which I made it very clear, more than once
that I would not be WH's friend during an affair, or if D,
so he should know and understand this already.

I realize his D's are his own responsibility. I've always
wished we were more involved with his kids and encouraged
WH to do more to be part of their lives, but I really think
he feels his life is none of their business and that things
he does don't affect them. I was always excited and pleased
that even if I wasn't a "Mom", I was a "Stepmom", and I
enjoyed his D13, the one child he had some involvement and
contact with. I would be glad to continue contact, at least
keep in touch with her if D, but wouldn't be surprised if
eventually she and her Mom would just "take" to OW for the
small amount of contact they have. (they live out of state)
(or "blow me off" like the rest of WH's family)

WH has never seen or talked to D10. He has no involvement,
contact or visitation, and until this recent insurance
problem had not even talked to her Mother since their ONS
over ten years ago, which resulted in D10 ! WH did not know
anything about her until she was three years old and he was
served with paternity paperwork- apparently her Mom did not
want him to know and never asked for support or anything,
but when she applied for welfare and aid, the State came
after WH to help defray their costs. Since then, he has
paid support and has to carry her on his health insurance.
I would not have minded us having contact or involvement
with this child, but he wanted nothing to do with it, so
she doesn't know anything about us at all and won't know if
I'm around or gone...

Slammed

Oh, Slammed:

We've been trying to help you to see that you can't figure your WH out. You can't MAKE SENSE of him. Do you realize how hard it seems for you to stay focused on yourself. At least, that's how it comes across here. IMO, it is more important for you to come to an understanding of the reason for YOUR BEHAVIOR. Why did you choose TO HELP someone who is treating you so badly? Let's talk about that. That will help you in future relationships. Please, please stop trying to wonder about HIM.

I'm having problems with your WH's abandonment of his children..not attractive at all to me..but that's another whole story....

Again, let's keep the focus on YOU....

ditto

My response would have been

"Oh my gawd! Our credit cards have been stolen ...NO WAY those are our charges, my husband is in the hospital! CANCELL the cards IMMEDIATELY!"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep