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Have some hope whatever the outcome.
Don't tailspin into his problems -- even thinking about them.
Maybe God has something better for you in mind than being a lifelong nurse.
I don't say that harshly or lightly -- I have been in the same boat, with a WH who had problems way beyond my fixing.
"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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Thanks A.M, I like your outlook, and knowing you have had a similiar situation helps. I am trying to have some hope.
Very agitated and upset this morning !
Had an call early this morning, from a credit card company urgently trying to reach WH, in order to verify "unusual activity" on his credit card, with usage taking place in LAS VEGAS !! Although I had a "feeling" that WH had gone away for the weekend with OW, this call certainly verified that, and for some reason ever since, I am feeling very, very upset and crying.
I know nothing that WH does should EVER surprise me anymore and that I shouldn't care what WH does, but knowing he went with her on a trip when we used to go on lots of trips and have a great time, and especially to Vegas, where he and I went for our anniversary and Valentine's Day back in Feb. (during what ended up being false recovery)makes me livid ! Seems like WH had a chance to break free of the affair and give us and our marriage a chance at a fresh start when OW moved out of his house and they "broke up" a month ago, but instead he has responded to HER ultimatum by filing D papers and taking her on a trip for THEM to have a "fresh start". (Staying somewhere nice and all paid for by him, so as to "impress" of course).
Had strange fleeting thoughts, like just "happening" to be at the airport when they get home this afternoon, or going by WH's house since I know he is not there, and of course, I'm not going to do anything of the sort, but part of me wanted WH to know that I KNOW. Funny, but even though he might just say he can do whatever he wants, because we're "seperated" and getting D, I can guarantee that WH would deny going, make excuses, minimize it, say that he wasn't with OW, and otherwise not want to me to know or be upset about it, just because that's how he is and can never admit the truth about his affair or her.
I know I've mentioned several times that WH seems to keep following the same pattersn over again, and this is another example, as WH and OW went to Las Vegas about this same time last year ! After "meeting" online and lots of talking on the phone, email and TM, they both flew there to meet last Aug.,in person. And, to add more irony, WH's credit card company had called here that time too, which is how I had found out where he was. (At the time I didn't know about OW and he insisted he had gone alone). Strange, huh ? Well, I feel better after the vent. It's been a l-o-n-g weekend, for sure. Slammed
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OK. Long weekend. But that still doesn't give you time to tailspin.
My WH did exactly the same thing. Took OW to "our" spots. (I hope they were haunted!)
There's absolutely zero you can do about this. So let it be a washout.
"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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Thanks A.M., You're right, there is nothing I can do about this, but I sure do hope everwhere WH went WAS haunted with memories of OUR trip and that they drove each other nuts and had a ROTTEN time ! (probably a great and romantic time though, as both would be on their "best behavior" trying to "sell" themselves to get back "together".)
Funny how the timing of the trip coincides with WH pushing about the D paperwork, just "HAVING to have it", and not even waiting until I could find a job, isnt it ? I'm sure OW going on the tripand considering taking WH back MUST be tied in with him having to "prove" himself by filing for D. Hope everything he's lost/is losing was worth all the money WH probably blew just for a booty call weekend.
Slammed
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Hi slammed, I've been keeping up w/ your thread just not posting much. You've been in my prayers. I hope the job market opens up for you soon. As for your WH...to bad your H isn't around to kick his azz. I have one question. Had an call early this morning, from a credit card company urgently trying to reach WH, in order to verify "unusual activity" on his credit card, with usage taking place in LAS VEGAS !! How did you NOT say "Oh my, I don't know how that could happen my H is here in town!" You coulda had some fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
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Good morning slammed,
I'm sorry to hear what you heard over the weekend, about Las Vegas trip. Sounds like you knew before the credit card company called....UGH!!! It's amazing the insight we have to our husbands good....and bad!!
But...I agree with AM, don't tailspin, it will only drive you crazy. You will never be able to figure him out illnesses/adultery and all!!! He's hurt you, but the saddest of all, in the end his soul will be hurting the most, and there isn't a thing you can do about it, it's his choice...he's gonna crash, in a matter of time...and there isn't a pill, house, dog, OW in this world that will make him better. You've done all you can slammed. Him and OW are wallowing in the mud...nothing romantic about that..YUCK YUCK!!
I hope that your job search goes well this week, or possibly unemployment ins. will come in for you.
Blessings, Lady
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You say: Seems like WH had a chance to break free of the affair and give us and our marriage a chance at a fresh start when OW moved out of his house and they "broke up" a month ago, but instead he has responded to HER ultimatum by filing D papers and taking her on a trip for THEM to have a "fresh start". (Staying somewhere nice and all paid for by him, so as to "impress" of course). I just want to add that this is most probably a ROMANTICIZED ASSUMPTION of yours. I learned the hard way that YOU will never, ever be able to fully comprehend the nature of his relationship with the OW. It is not at all comparable to the nature of a normal relationship or his relationship with YOU.... So please stop this, Slammed. Such theorizing will not help you. You continue to try to MAKE SENSE out of NONSENSICAL BEHAVIOR... (((((SLAMMED)))))
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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ChaCha- thanks, I like the way you think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Did wonder if WH might have run into a problem if he tried to use the credit card to pay at the hotel or other, since they probably had "frozen" or "flagged" his card, based on the "unusual activity" and had a small, devious smile at that thought. Hope your situation turns for the positive.
Lady- thanks for the reminder that no house, dog, car, job, or OW is going to make WH happy or satisfied. I do think he is going to come out of the FOG eventually and see all the mess he made of everything, but so hoped it would be while we still had a chance to reclaim our life. If anything, he seems to be even deeper in the fog now- Would have thought that a year of being with OW, with all the drama and "breakups", would have burst the bubble and killed the fantasy of the affair by now, but something sure seems to keep them fueled.
Mimi- Your'e right, don't know how it is between OW and WH or how the trip was. Guess I just remember all the fun and romantic times H and I used to have on our trips and thought of it as being like that with them (hope not !)
Thanks to you all for the continued support and prayers for both the situation with WH and my job search. Had a pretty good day yesterday, as I woke up feeling more energetic and motivated and got some things done, which made me feel good. Did some laundry, housework, business letters, applied for an airline job and filed a resume with another company, walked the dog, and realized I felt an odd, unusual "detached" feeling about the whole situation with WH. Just "went with it" and figured it was a passing mood..
Today I woke up feeling sad and frustrated about WH and sort of a feeling of "panic" (for lack of better word) that we are now on a time "countdown" until D and nothing I can do about it. I so HATE, HATE, HATE everthing about this !! I really wanted to be able to "wait out" the affair, and still believe H is still "in there" and would be willing and ready to reconcile when finally free of OW, or if no sign of any change and I finally got tired of it, I could have ended it of my own time and choice, and now I can't do either, and that's SO frustrating. Knowing about OW and WH's trip makes me feel like things with them have "heated" back up, not gone downhill, as I had hoped when OW moved out. They do seem to only be able to "sustain" their A for about 2-3 months at a time without "breaking up" again, but I can't count on it being before we are out of time (82 days left on waiting period).
I've called a friend to see if she wants to go to lunch and run some errands, thinking it would do us both good to get out of the house- if not available, I'll go run my few errands myself later. Rented a comedy for tonight and will walk the dog, maybe have a soak in the tub... Slammed
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Continued to work on the job search and did a few things around the house yesterday afternoon, then ended up going to my best friend's house last night. We ordered pizza and watched some movies, so it was a nice evening and nice just to get out of the house ! She will be starting a new job next week after not working for more than a year, and I'm happy for her, but will sure miss being able to talk to her and do things together during the day- hope it won't be long until I too, am busy working during the day !
Got an email late yesterday afternoon from WH regarding the new health insurance we just started in July. Knew at the time we enrolled there might be a problem, because the new insurance has no provisions to cover his dependents who are both out of state and live in small, rural areas where there are no "network providers". Apparently the Mom of his D10 called, is not happy or satisfied that the new insurance only covers emergency care and RX, so he was trying to find out what else could be done. I've always handled our insur. and did the enrollment forms this time as well, (we are on his insurance under a "family plan") so he does not know much about it or understand how it works very well. He said he called his H/R but wasn't really sure what he needed to ask so he wondered if he could ask my "opinion", based on my "expertise" from dealing with it for years, of what "we" could do with "our" insurance to help. (I think there was a little "buttering" up going on there). I sent a brief, business-like reply this morning with the only suggestion I could think of that might help.
Still not a word from him as far as telling me he filed the paperwork, so had I not looked on the courts website, I still wouldn't know. (nothing yet served or rcvd by mail) Does he not have the courage to tell me ? Why wouldn't he want me to know he did it ? Could he have done something that drastic just to appease OW before their trip, but still not be sure about it and think, like last year, "that we can always cancel it at anytime", or just let it expire again, if "not needed " ??
Today I'm up getting ready, doing some things around the house, and plan to run some errands with my friend. I also got an unemployment check so will run by the bank. I'm pleased to get the check, but a little "leery" about spending any of it yet, as I've known more than one person who got the payments, then told they had to repay them when their former employers "appealed" unemployment. Until I know that there is no appeal in my case, I'm just going to "bank" the money, to be safe.
Slammed
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Slammed:
I'm mad for you.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
What audacity!!
He files for divorce. Doesn't have the balls to tell you and then asks for your ADVICE????
Then, you try to help him?
Slammed, don't you see how he DISRESPECTED you...and the goal being to gain his RESPECT?
I can just see the jerk...laughing to himself about you catching his bait.
Do you think that you are the only one that he can turn to help him with insurance?
What's he going to do when he divorces you?
Will you still HELP HIM?
Slammed, in PLAN B, you are not supposed to answer his E-MAILS.
In fact, I would recommend that you change your E-MAIL address so he gets that NONDELIVERABLE MESSAGE...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
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What audacity!!
He files for divorce. Doesn't have the balls to tell you and then asks for your ADVICE????
Then, you try to help him?
Slammed, don't you see how he DISRESPECTED you...and the goal being to gain his RESPECT? Slammed, in PLAN B, you are not supposed to answer his E-MAILS. I agree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
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Mimi and Lady,
Yes, I see the irony, audacity, and just plain nonsensical behavior in WH filing the paperwork and then still asking for help with the insurance; it's the way WH has been not only with me and our situation, but with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE his WHOLE life. I think it's much more his co-dependency, big sense of entitlement and his totally being clueless about how it'll be to be divorced than it is disrespect. I'm actually the one who had the laugh, thinking that the big "powerful" WH with the fancy car, house, boat, new dog and OW can't figure out what to do with the insurance !
I don't think WH got a laugh out of it , meant to be disrespectful or thought he was "baiting" me on this since the PBL did say "necessary financial or other business type communication was to be made via email only" (since I had no one to be an intermediary). I responded because he did honor my request to stick to just email and because it was a legitimate question on the health insurance. I had set it all up and done the enrollment for everyone, so was the only one who knew how it was done. I wasn't doing it to help WH, I was trying to help D10, who needs medical care and has a problem with the insurance.
No, if divorced I certainly won't be helping him with ANY thing and will be darker than a black hole. Won't have to worry about the insurance either, since I would no longer be on his.
Slammed
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I think it's much more his co-dependency, big sense of entitlement and his totally being clueless about how it'll be to be divorced than it is disrespect. Given that you know this about him, why are you enabling his actions by allowing him to do this to you, Slammed? Although he may not be purposefully trying to disrespect you, he did disrespect you by treating you the way that he did and you allowed it. I'm not saying this to you to be hurtful. I'm saying this because I believe no one has the right to treat another person like your WH has treated you. You are his wife that he has abandoned for another woman. Then he treats you like his insurance consultant, YUCK... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> IMO, he no longer deserves your help....PERIOD... Is he helping you find a job? Back later...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thanks, Mimi. I guess I don't understand how I "enabled" WH by my sending a brief response to his question about how I had set up our medical insurance and the coverage for his D10 ? I had thought this was a legitimate question, and that he had actually shown respect by honoring the request in the PBL to use email as our only means of correspondence when necessary for financial/business type matters- (?)
I had concern for D10, as she was trying to get a "Physical" before school starts next week and had run into a "snag" w/ the insurance. Guess I also felt a little obligated to help because WH is carrying me on his health insurance, which he doesn't have to do. I realize if we do D that he will have to figure it all out and handle it himself, and of course, I'll be on my own, without any insurance until I can get it for myself through a new job.
Back when WH found out I lost my job, and the one time since that I've talked to him he asked how the job hunt was going and offered to talk to a connection he has in H/R at one of our local big companies. Now I don't know if he really was making a sincere offer of help, just said it to sound "nice" or it was because he's anxious for me to make money and not need his support, but he offered.....for whatever its worth.
Rest of the day went okay- I went to run some errands with a friend and ended up staying at her house until late last night to help with some things.
Woke up to a cold, rainy and gray day- I'm not very excited about the coming of Fall, as it was the favorite season of both H and I. I also dread my upcoming Bday, Halloween, and the big holidays and being alone again while WH is with his new little "family" (OW and the dog). Without a new job yet, and no money to spend, holidays seem very bleak.
I know things can change very suddenly and have seem some very unexpected things happen in the past year with WH and the whole affair, but it's hard to feel any hope right now. Don't know that there's anything else I can do, but just sitting here, doing my own thing and trying to move on just feels SO "passive" and helpless. IS there ANYTHING else I can do ? Slammed
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if divorced I certainly won't be helping him with ANY thing and will be darker than a black hole. Won't have to worry about the insurance either, since I would no longer be on his. Since he's already decided to divorce you, I don't understand why you won't treat him like this now? Give him a slice of what life would be like without you. "Darker than a black hole" applies to NOW, Slammed. That is an EFFECTIVE PLAN B. He tested out what life might be like as a divorced man (as he sees himself now) and you continued to be "nice" to him. I'll tell you this. One of the things that scared my H the most is my insistence that if we divorced, I would be FINISHED with him. I WOULD NOT BE HIS FRIEND!! I made that very clear and I meant it. I would ONLY be his wife. He tried that "friendly" stuff with me. Would I continue to help him with this and that? No way was I going to fill in and meet needs that she could not meet. I GOT TOUGH and he actually found that to be ATTRACTIVE.. He continues to very much ADMIRE that CHANGE in me. The point of Plan B is for the WS to have to rely on the OW for EVERYTHING and she will fail. What your WH did was more cake-eating and I bet in his mind you will continue to do this for him. He may have been testing this out... YUCK... Sorry, this may sound cruel but, IMO, it's fact. The 10 year old is not your responsibility. She is the responsibility of your WH and her mother. THIS IS THE CHOICE THAT YOUR WH is making..sacrificing his daughter so that she loses you in her life... and HE needs to suffer the consequences. I guess I would think differently if it was a life and death matter for the little girl but he asked you about INSURANCE...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Never abandon children. (I'm not speaking of insurance, but of XH's daughter in general.)
Whatever becomes of XH -- the kids need a sterling example in their lives. They need a rock.
That's far more important than him.
"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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Thanks Mimi and A.M., I like the description of how you made FWH realize you were not going to be his friend, and how life would be without you. That's what I have wanted and hoped to show WH by going to Plan B, but it hasn't seemed to make any difference. I've almost wondered if, after being a cake-eater and having his "way" his whole life thanks to his dysfunctional family, he just views it as my being mad, "sour grapes", an attempt to "punish" him, and it has more of an affect of making him frustrated and mad than making him see how things will be ?
The only thing I see as being different between now and if we are divorced as far as going "black hole" dark, is that we have to have some contact/correspondence now, due to our having joint bills, bank accounts, insurance and belongings, the two houses to settle over, and WH still paying on the house and expenses. IF divorced, there will be NOTHING left, and since we've no kids, no joint friends, he has no family here, and he seems resigned to giving up our dog since he has his own now, no reason to ever see, talk, or write each other ever. We're also in a big enough city that we could go a long, long time, maybe forever, without bumping into each other. Funny that WH in an IC session said he did not "need" anyone and did not want to be with me, or anyone, because he needed them. Sure contradicts how he acts though, doesn't it ? He also surprised me in IC by talking about our being best friends being something he really would miss if we split up. His IC talked about us perhaps being "better off" as friends than spouses, to which I made it very clear, more than once that I would not be WH's friend during an affair, or if D, so he should know and understand this already.
I realize his D's are his own responsibility. I've always wished we were more involved with his kids and encouraged WH to do more to be part of their lives, but I really think he feels his life is none of their business and that things he does don't affect them. I was always excited and pleased that even if I wasn't a "Mom", I was a "Stepmom", and I enjoyed his D13, the one child he had some involvement and contact with. I would be glad to continue contact, at least keep in touch with her if D, but wouldn't be surprised if eventually she and her Mom would just "take" to OW for the small amount of contact they have. (they live out of state) (or "blow me off" like the rest of WH's family)
WH has never seen or talked to D10. He has no involvement, contact or visitation, and until this recent insurance problem had not even talked to her Mother since their ONS over ten years ago, which resulted in D10 ! WH did not know anything about her until she was three years old and he was served with paternity paperwork- apparently her Mom did not want him to know and never asked for support or anything, but when she applied for welfare and aid, the State came after WH to help defray their costs. Since then, he has paid support and has to carry her on his health insurance. I would not have minded us having contact or involvement with this child, but he wanted nothing to do with it, so she doesn't know anything about us at all and won't know if I'm around or gone...
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I've almost wondered if, after being a cake-eater and having his "way" his whole life thanks to his dysfunctional family, he just views it as my being mad, "sour grapes", an attempt to "punish" him, and it has more of an affect of making him frustrated and mad than making him see how things will be Oh, Slammed: We've been trying to help you to see that you can't figure your WH out. You can't MAKE SENSE of him. Do you realize how hard it seems for you to stay focused on yourself. At least, that's how it comes across here. IMO, it is more important for you to come to an understanding of the reason for YOUR BEHAVIOR. Why did you choose TO HELP someone who is treating you so badly? Let's talk about that. That will help you in future relationships. Please, please stop trying to wonder about HIM. I'm having problems with your WH's abandonment of his children..not attractive at all to me..but that's another whole story.... Again, let's keep the focus on YOU....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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"Virtue -- even attempted virtue -- brings light; indulgence brings fog." -- C.S. Lewis
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Had an call early this morning, from a credit card company urgently trying to reach WH, in order to verify "unusual activity" on his credit card, with usage taking place in LAS VEGAS !! My response would have been "Oh my gawd! Our credit cards have been stolen ...NO WAY those are our charges, my husband is in the hospital! CANCELL the cards IMMEDIATELY!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Pep
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