Thanks Mimi and A.M., for sticking in here with me.
Pepperband- LOVE it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm the first to agree I can't figure WH out- if I could I
wouldn't be here right !!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> As you know, I do have a
very "analytical" way of thinking though, and the only way
I can "process" is to have some kind of "understanding" that
makes sense to me.
I have very strongly believed in the MB principles and it
is disappointing to feel that Plan B has not seemed to bring
about any end to the A or changes in WH, but I realize no
one can predict how a WS will act, and that all people and
situations are different.. just nice to be able to vent and
throw out thoughts here.

Actually outside of here, my focus is SO on me, that it's
tiring ! Without WH, who did alot to take care of me, the
house, yard, dog, etc. and without my job, which kept me
busy and involved with people, it feels like nothing but
ME !! (my job hunt, my activities, my staying busy, my IC,
my taking care of everything around here,...yada yada)

My behavior ? Now, that's one thing I CAN understand -

What I want and pray for ? End of the affair, and recovery
of my marriage, with all my heart, energy, determination,
faith and hope.

Future relationships ? Friends and platonic, yes.
Other than that, if D, NO WAY.

I have not always agreed with the handling of WH's kids,
by either he or their Moms, however in light of the expense,
distance, circumstances with each, and WH's own issues and
illness, I think he has usually tried to do as best he can.
As messed up and confused as he is now, sticking to monetary
support and medical coverage is probably doing them a favor.

Slammed

Then start changing the way you think, Slammed. It's not working for you, and wasting an enormous amount of time.

You've made this statement a number of times. Why do you assume your way of thinking is the one constant in the universe, when nothing else is?



But it is bringing about a change in you. That is one big purpose of Plan B -- and it's not insubstantial.

No matter what happens, you have to live with you.

I'd love to change my thinking process, but don't think
there is anyway to do that- it's a very basic part of my
"wiring" and has been that way since I was a child ~

Best I remember from my studies of basic psychology and more
recently researching this in relation to WH's BPD diagnosis,
I think there are five basic "thinking processes", of which
most people use one predominatly and one or two others as
secondary. Being in the "analytical" type fits with my
traits as a detail-oriented, and organized and has some good
benefits, but obviously doesn't help with faced with a sitch
like WH and an affair-

I know there are some varying opinions here on Plan B, and
I do definitely see benefit to the BS by being able to get
away from the day-to-day drama of the A, and getting used
to living minus our spouse, but even Jennifer in her counsel
with me talked of Plan B as the "next step" in ending the
affair, and as an "action plan", meant to make WH see what
he'd be missing, get his attention, and hopefully provide
incentive to end the affair and work on the marriage.
What makes it hard for me is the lack of any "action" in
it, as I feel like it's totally passive and I'm just doing the same things I always have, living my life, and letting
WH alone to live his, with OW and no interference from real
life or me to butt in. I know I can change my behavior,
actions, things I say or do, and reaction to WH totally
in Plan B, but I haven't found any way to change my heart
from wanting my H and marriage back. If there is some
secret to that, I'd sure love to know how to do it...

Yes, it's true, I have to live with me- no real choice but
to survive and keep going. Not that I would ever feel that
anything could make it "right" or divorce anything but a
disaster, but I would like to be able to feel like I did
everything I could possibly do, and right now I just don't
feel that way. Wish I had some of your strength and resolve,
A.M., you seem to have found a way to make "lemonade out of
the lemons" ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Slammed

Wrong. You may not be able to change fundamental predispositions, but the mind can certainly be trained to avoid certain unproductive lines of thought. This is just avoiding mental laziness.

When you don't have enough data to form an opinion, you can discipline yourself to avoid conjecture.

As for your current life, I would suggest that you do something new , rather than simply be the old you without him.

What could you never do before because he didn't like it? Ballroom dancing? Hitting the bars with the girls? Taking classes in Sanskrit at night? Playing pool?

Start it. Start a new life.

For myself right now, I'm finding the solitude deliriously glorious. I enjoy just reading on the bed -- piles of books I could never get 'round to before. Or working at my computer to the sound of the clock ticking. Lots of writing. Lots of thinking. For me, that's fun.

But maybe for others it's rock climbing.

I always recommend, for women, biographies of great women who "did it" without men, or despite them: Golda Meir, Hildegard of Bingen, Indira Gandhi, Teresa of Avila, Simone Weil. You can make your own list. This kind of reading helps you to dream your own dreams, create new aspirations not based on "missing pieces."

Have you seen "United 93" yet? Wow.

Thanks, A.M.
I would like to do something different, just haven't been
able to think of what it should be as of yet... I really
was able to do everything I wanted to while with WH, but
I am always open to developing new hobbies or activities.
Have even thought I'd like to do something drastically new
or different, like "Extreme Makeover", although with my
extreme dislike of all things medical, that might not be
such a good idea for me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am glad that my music group starts again tomorrow night-
I've been involved with that for 15 years, so lots of good
friends there and always a fun time. We'll begin preparing
for our Christmas season concert, as well as some other
performances (it's a community choir of about 120 people).

My weekend was pretty uneventful- I did things around the
house, laundry, met parents for lunch, spent some time with
a friend, and worked on the computer (I do family history
research and load info into a software program).

Had an unusual incident tonight, which has made me feel a
little strange. I got a call on my cell phone, from a number
I did not know. I answered, and in the background could hear
people talking, then a female voice asked "who is this ?"
I just hung up, but then realized the voice was OW.
A few minutes later the phone rang again but I didn't answer
and no one left a message.
Knowing how OW has always played games with the phones, I
have a feeling she must have either been snooping on WH's
phone or gotten into the phone bills/statements at his house
and was calling the number to see who it was. (As you'll
recall, she even called WH's XGF demanding to know who she
was after she found the number in WH's phone last year).

WH and I are on a "family plan" with his phone as primary
and mine as an "add on", so I don't have a way to change the
number without him knowing and being able to access it, and
don't have money right now to get a new, seperate phone so
I hope she isn't going to start calling and bugging me.
I definitely won't be answering any calls from a number I
don't know-
Guess OW's still as paranoid as ever- gee, kind of what you
get when fooling around with a married man, ya think !!??

Slammed

slammed
i wish my OW thought her relationship with my H was so unstable that she had to check his phone bills!

and if she was calling me cause my number showed up on his bill....i'd be smiling and feeling like there IS hope! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You'd think the instability would have ended things a long
time ago, yet they keep getting back together... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Amazing to me that someone who apparently "has a good job,
her own house with dogs and horses, and is nice looking and
independent" (all words right from OW's mouth) keeps going
back to WH even after finding out almost everything he told
her when they met was a lie, even after finding out WH was
continuing to talk/see me when they lived together, and
knowing about his DUI and mental issues/illness, but she
does.
And, equally amazing that WH puts up with her constant calls
to see where he is and what he's doing, her getting into his
phone and listening to /deleting messages, getting into his
wallet, calling any number she finds to see who it is, and
the stream of obscenities and insults that she left on our
answering machine when he moved back home (which he heard
for himself).At the time, he himself said "There must be
something really wrong with her" (OW), yet he keeps getting
back with her each time they break up.

Guess it all goes to prove that fantasy and addiction defy
all logic, sense or the ability to even think.

Had one call on my cell this morning- came from "restricted
caller". I didn't answer and there was no message, but I
bet anything that OW somehow found the number and is now
frantically trying to figure out what/who it is.
My phone has one of those automated "greetings" that just
says the person is not available and doesn't give a name,
so it won't help her much !
Slammed

How is the job search going?

Hey ChaCha- nice to hear from you.
I'm still checking numerous sites, responding to any decent
sounding job "prospects", have filed resume/profiles with
several airlines serving my city, and keep networking with
friends and associates.. but it's tough, as I never thought
it'd take this long to find a new job.
I have gotten two Unemployment checks, which made me feel
better about finances- I realize the money doesn't keep
coming for two long though, so have to really keep at the
search.

Enjoyed getting back to rehearsal (my music group) on Mon.
night- saw lots of old friends, and think I will like the
music we are preparing for Christmas. Other than that, I
went out to dinner with some friends/former co-workers on
Tues. night, had my IC, then a "mini makeover" at a beauty
store, and ran other errands yesterday. Today I am doing
some things around the house, and hope the nice weather
holds so I can mow the lawn. Also have a couple of rented
movies I need to watch so I can get them returned..

Other than one call on Monday, I've had no further "unknown"
calls on my cell (likely OW) which is a relief- I was afraid
she might "bombard" me with calls now that she apparently
has my number.
I had one email from WH late Tues. saying that he was going
to have to change our health insurance in order to have more
than emergency care coverage for D10 (issue we corresponded
about last week), but that he had not yet done the paperwork
because he was feeling really sick and was going home early
from work. He also asked if we had any antibiotics "around
the house" ?

I didn't see the message until yesterday- and didn't reply.
In the early afternoon as I was getting ready for my IC, I heard the garage door, looked out, and saw WH's vehicle
pulling into the garage !!! I quickly ran in the bathroom,
turned on the water and jumped in the shower (thought you
would like that, Mimi <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Heard WH playing with the dog,
then he tapped on the bathroom door, and opened it a crack.
He called my name, said he didn't want to "startle" me, but
that he had stopped by to drop off some debit/deposit slips
and pick up any mail that was here for him. Said he had been
very sick, was on the way home from the Dr., and that he had
"asthmatic bronchitis", so would be off work a few days, and
in case I needed to reach him, I could email or call him at
home, rather than work. I simply said "I am sorry you are
sick". Then, he left..
I have a feeling he wanted "sympathy".
He's rarely ill, but when he is, he's usually really sick,
and is a bit of the typical man who wants to be "babied".
Well, guess OW will have to "take care " of him, huh ?

Later, when I gave IC a brief update, she had a couple of
different thoughts that had me thinking when I was trying
to sleep- will post on that a little later.
Slammed

GREAT JOB, SLAMMED!!!

Coming to check on the mail, etc....SURE... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Mimi. Glad to "make you proud" on that one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My IC mentioned a couple of things at yesterday's session
that had me thinking during the night. I'm throwing them
out here just to see what anyone thinks...

IC commented about how it seems WH always want my attention
or contact when things go either bad (his DUI, his being
sick now) or good (work things, his getting a dog) with him.
Said it seemed like he either needed a "pat on the back"
or some support and "sympathy", like you would want from
your parent, in his case, exactly how he acts with his Mom.

Now I've always thought that WH had a strange relationship
with his family, especially his Mom. MIL acts as though WH
is the greatest thing in the world, "oohs and aahs" over
everything he does, brags on him to everyone (how great he
does at work, money he makes, the nice house or car, etc.)
After getting to know his family better, and some of WH's IC
sessions, I believe they were very dysfunctional- basically
no communication, no one would ever "rock the boat", they
didn't talk about feelings, litle affection, and MIL did
everything for everyone, meaning the kids never had to take
responsibility for anything. MIL still calls my WH "little
one", writes him weekly, sends him the hometown newspapers
weekly and frets over everything he does. (worries about him
working too hard, not eating well, having too much stress,
cold weather, etc.)
On the other hand, WH has little interest in his family,
hasn't been home in 4 years, acts like they are "beneath"
him, perhaps because they are very simple folks who live
in the country, had blue collar jobs, don't have a fancy
house, cars, etc... I see his behavior with and about his
Mom in particular as odd because he seems to want her
admiration and approval, yet he doesn't seem to have any
respect for her. His IC talked about their relationship
as being co-dependent and as there never having been a
"cutting of the apron-strings".

IC commented that WH's behavior to me seems to be alot like
that with his Mom- he wants my approval/admiration, seems
to want/need the support, love, help, sympathy, etc. when
in trouble or wanting to share something good, but acts
disrespectful to me as well. IC said it seems like WH wants
or needs me "in the Mom role", as his stability, security
and comfort, and wants/needs OW because she's the "fun",
"sex", and fantasy.
This is just my IC's thought and opinion, but it does seem
to fit in many ways. I don't consider being supportive,
loving and helpful to be bad things, but obviously I never
wanted to be WH's Mom !! If this is the role I play to him,
I'd sure like to know how to get out of it and fill the
position of fun, sexy, fantasy, while being a supportive,
loving and stable WIFE.

IC also mentioned that it seems almost like WH has been more
distant, "comfortable", and weaned himself away from me more
since I've been in Plan B. She wondered if, with his issues
and personality, my trying to show that I can move on with
my life, don't "need" him, and my not being there to fill
any needs is actually making it easier for him to "wean"
away from me and our life, making him feel less guilt or
difficulties with doing it, and making him feel like it's
"OK" with me, thus alleviating his apparent issues with his
being "the bad guy". ??
Hadn't thought of it that way (and IC was not knocking MB
or Plan B, just made a casual mention of this that stuck in
my head). No way to ever know what WH is "thinking" (or
his alien equivalent of that), but if this is the case, am
I making things worse with NC ? Is my not being available
to fill any EN's (especially the apparent Biggie of his
needing admiration/attention) making it easier for him to
stick with OW because she is ??

Anyway, just some thoughts. Majority of the IC was talking
about the frustration of my job search, and my feeling very
isolated since I haven't been working.
Enjoyed the rest of the day yesterday having a mini-makeover
and running errands. Worked on the computer and did a little
touch up around the house today. Watched "The Mirror Has
Two Faces", which interestingly has what I considered a bit
of a Plan B in it. No infidelity though, so a different type
situation. And, I'm not Barbra Streisand either <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(and unfortunately, WH is not Jeff Bridges, darn it !)

Just more job hunting, yardwork and a haircut on tomorrow's
schedule..
Slammed

slammed...is EVERYONE'S H trying to keep in contact with them except for mine???

what am i doing wrong and what are you doing right here?!

Hi Eav,
I think my WH making an ocassional contact is more his
personality and issues than anything I'm doing- after
all, he's still with OW and shows no sign or ending it
or wanting to reconcile and be with me !
Can't say I feel like I've done anything necessarily
"right", I've just done what I could to try to save
my marriage and sanity and struggle with it every day.
(like most of us)

The WS are very unpredictable for sure, so no way to ever
know how any will react...
I think you've done great though, so hang in there.
Slammed

There is some important INFORMATION in this for you, Slammed. You have been looking for some MEANING so this may help.

I adopted a MOTHER role with my FWH. I bet your H like my H became accustomed to this. However, A MAN DOES NOT WANT THIS FROM HIS LOVER. It makes him feel DISRESPECTED and INADEQUATE!!!! A man wants ADMIRATION and RESPECT. This is what your WH likely gets from the OW. It's not the SEX, Slammed. My H was ADDICTED to the ADMIRATION and RESPECT that he got from the OW. He enjoyed SF with me more than he did with her. During my PLAN A, I evidenced my ability to STOP MOTHERING and TO STOP MICRO-MANAGING and to show him ADMIRATION and RESPECT. This is well-discussed in the book LOVE AND RESPECT which I keep talking about here. It's the ADMIRATION NEED!!! As a man, your H must have been EMASCULATED BY HIS MOTHER. You see how he treats her. So if you remind him of his MOTHER..VOILA!!!!



So I am sort of disagreeing with this about his need for ADMIRATION from you. I think he gets that from HER. The NEED that YOU FULFILL, that WE FULFILL, for our Hs is the DOMESTIC SUPPORT...like helping with the insurance, etc....It makes him FEEL LOVED when he is ADMIRED and RESPECTED by her so this ADDS to her SEXUAL ATTRACTIVENESS to him...especially if she talks about how GOOD he is at..you know what I mean...



I disagree with this, too. He's been coming around trying to CAKE-EAT. You have fallen into his trap TWO TIMES. That has set you back, I think. He is not giving up. He is not moving on. Him trying to cake-eat is NOT necessarily a GOOD THING. He has not ENDED his affair. I like your response to Eav. However, I think that he wants to make sure that you remain his friend and helper even if he divorces you. I think it needs to be made clear to him that this will not happen. It was SO important in my situation for my H to know that we would be FINISHED and that I was MOVING ON...



So my answer to this is NO. It is IMPERATIVE for you to NOT MEET ANY OF HIS NEEDS. He needs to have to rely on her to HELP him with these LIFE MANAGEMENT ISSUES. SHE WILL FAIL!!! That's why he's coming to you. Let her TRY to HELP him with the insurance matters and health concerns. He needs to see what life TOTALLY WITHOUT you will really be like. He is assuming that you will continue to be NICE and MOTHERLY to him... YUCK...

Thanks, Mimi-
YES, this is information that does finally make some sense
and seems to "fit" our situation !
I guess I can see where WH may have viewed me in a mother
role because I was the more practical, stable, responsible
person between us, and I did try to be loving, supportive,
and act as a "help mate", thinking that was part of my role
as his wife.
Don't know what I would have done that would have made WH
feel "emasculated"- I always tried to show pride in being
his wife, praised his accomplishments at work, showed my
appreciation for things he did around the house and yard,
gave compliments, asked his opinions, was always willing
and available to do things together, and definitely always
showed interest and was ready and willing for SF.
Something though, must have made him equate me with his Mom,
because he does treat me in a similar manner- wants to tell
me about his accomplishments, wants my praise, and likes to
have sympathy or concern for him when he's down or sick, but
the rest of the time, shows little concern or respect for
me and my feelings or needs.
My question now is: WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THIS, get out
of this role, make a change that will put us back into the
proper role as spouses, partners, lovers !????? Especially
while in Plan B, where he can't "see" anything that I do ??

I'm also confused about OW's role in this. I can see how
WH probably felt like "king of the world" when he first got
with OW- he had told her a whole string of lies, making him
sound like a "knight in shining armour", and she probably
fell for it all and showed him enormous admiration as well
as respect. I'm sure he felt a huge ego boost, and can see
how he would become quickly addicted to the attention, her
thinking he was "Mr. Wonderful", and the interest of a new
person who he felt was attractive, interesting, and very
independent.
However, seems like they quickly found out each other had
told a lot of lies, they have always fought alot, have had all these break-up/get back togethers and lots of other
drama. Wouldn't/shouldn't that have "killed" alot of the
respect they might have felt for each other ??
And, you would think that the "admiration" would be gone
or have a very low balance too, with the reality of them
having lived together, OW's always checking up on WH ,
getting into his phone and wallet, calling here, making
accusations, etc. Almost sounds like OW is starting to feel
that "Mother" role !???

I agree WH continues to try to Cake Eat. Used to think that
was a good sign, because it might mean he wasn't so sure he
wanted to be without me, end it all, or D. But now I wonder
if it's just more a habit, laziness, guilt and his addictive
type personality more than me meeting any ENs ???
WH never did the survey, but I would think that his top En's
would be: domestic support, financial support, recreation,
and admiration. I feel like I met these quite well, as I
took care of all the domestic "stuff" (cooking, cleaning,
laundry, errands, paying the bills, etc.), always worked
and contributed my income to our finances, we did almost
everything together as far as activities, and I tried my
best to show admiration and respect. So, the only thing
ENs I'm meeting now are domestic and financial support to
a very small degree since I still handle our joint bills
and accounts and still contribute to the finances. It's
hard for me to imagine that my help with just that very
small, impersonal bit of his life is enough for him to
"miss", or enough incentive to give up the affair ???
After all, he seems to have adjusted pretty easily to his
living alone, "keeping house", paying his own bills, and
taking care of his dog, and has OW for his recreation, SF,
and whatever else.... just seems like he's been able to get
me totally out of the picture. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Last thought and question: in regards to the "fine line"
between having hope and wanting H and our marriage, vs.
"moving on" and showing that I will not be a "friend", a
helper, or mother figure if we D ?
What more than Plan B is there to do to try to get this
across, because so far it hasn't seemed to make WH "miss"
me or us, and hasn't been enough incentive to end the A ?

Only things I can think of that might be real "eye opening, would be my having the money to supportm myself, my selling the house and my getting my own place, but, until I get a job I can't do any of that, and it's not necessarily a quick process to sell a house or find a new place, so I feel like we'll run out of time before any of that can make a difference ? (D only takes 90 days).
Seems like the only way to truly show that I am moving on is to go through with everything, but end up divorced... and then it's too late ???!!

Please tell me the name/author of that book again??

The key is to go DARKER into PLAN B. He has been successful at cake-eating, getting you to continue to meet the DOMESTIC SUPPORT EN. It will be essential for him to get the message that you will NO LONGER be available go meet this NEED. He will need to EXPERIENCE having to rely on her SOLELY for this need. You have responded each time, giving him the impression that he can HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO...even if he divorces you...

Got to do some work..

Back later....

Slammed, in reference to your statement of "CONFUSION" regarding the OW's role......I continue to feel like you won't EVER be able to understand the nature of the R between your H and the OW. Just know that it is SICK. She is not likely NOT meeting the needs that you have met for him. They are likely to continue to fight, to lie and to deceive each other. That is the NATURE of their relationship. They both know that and it doesn't matter to them...just like when people know that their alcohol or drug use causes problems..with fights in bars or DUIS..they continue to use despite the problems that the drug use causes. You CANNOT apply HEALTHY, NORMAL LOGIC to that relationship, IMO.



I guess CAKE-EATING is better than TOTAL DETACHMENT but it's not the ENDPOINT. If you buy the MB theories, it is getting his ENs met by the both of you. It is not those other things you mention above.



I think this is a PROBLEM. Why are you still handling the bills? He needs to know what life would be like TOTALLY WITHOUT ASSISTANCE FROM YOU. That's the DARKNESS of PLAN B. So how will this be handled once you DIVORCE? I would go ahead and set things up like that now.



Why not..since you said that Domestic Support is a primary EN of his.



So why is he showing up at the house unannounced, calling you, telling you about his illness and community service and asking your advice about insurance matters regarding a daughter he has no relationship with?



What a mouthful! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PLAN B it is! You've made some significant PLAN B mistakes haven't you? I hate reminding you about the begging scene at the doorstep...He thinks of you as sitting there waiting..and of course he can show up unannounced because you don't need your privacy...of course you didn't have anybody in the shower with you...not that you would have, of course, but how why would he assume that?



I AGREE!! Keep working towards this goal. Don't give up!! Keep working toward your own PERSONAL GOALS. Try not to worry about the time factor.

The book is LOVE AND RESPECT by Eggerichs....

Thanks, Mimi. Your posts gave me a lot to think about and
were very helpful in helping some things about WH and the
affair make more sense.
Have to say, it also made me realize that I have probably
played more of a part in H being unhappy and having the A
than I would like to think or realized. (although I do
realize the choice to lie and cheat were HIS). It is a lot
easier to just think it was ALL him, to blame MLC, or his
illnesses, or the OW than to realize it was me too.

I recognize how some things I did, or ways we interacted
that probably could have unwittingly caused WH to view me in the "mother" role (yuck) although I never realized it and certainly did not want to be in that position !
I can see things I could and would do differently now, but
without even any interaction, I have no way to show him
and I feel like it's "too little, too late" to make any
difference. That, and remembering some times when I was
mean, hateful or disrespectful in some things I said to H
have me feeling so awful, so regretful, so sad.

Your description of OW's "role", and of them both "knowing"
(that they lie, deceive, fight, etc.) but not caring, and
still staying together because of the sick obsession and
addiction of their relationship makes a lot of sense to me.

You're probably right about WH still having a little bit
of needs met by me, even if it is just some very impersonal
stuff about insurance, bills, etc, although to me it seems
like that (domestic support) would be the easiest thing to
do without and replace...(maybe not for him though, since
he's not ever had to do much like that on his own).
From my end, I'd much rather be filling a need I value much
more, like SF, affection, recreation, etc.

What I meant by my handling the bills is that I write the
checks and make sure our joint bills get paid- meaning the
house, home equity loan, phone, cable, utilities, etc.
WH puts in the bulk of money for those items into our joint
account once a month, and I pay them. Other than a list
of the amounts sent to him once a month, we don't normally
have any discussion or correspondence about this-
He pays all his own bills and all expenses for the "other"
house himself. I pay the few bills of my own myself as well.
So,basically this is already the same as it would be if D,
except that once the house is sold and there are no bills
related to it we'd have nothing joint and no exchange of
monies between us-

Yes, there have been some mistakes in Plan B. I do want and
have been trying to be as "dark" as possible, and intend to
keep it up. I feel though like WH has "talked himself into"
the mindset that he just doesn't feel anything or "love" me
anymore, that too much time has passed and too many things
happened, and that he is determined to stick with OW, no
matter all the issues there-
I'm trying my best to do my own things, show strength and
independence, and "move on" as much as I can, even though
with no contact there's no way for him to see this-
I do love the idea of having my own money, not needing his
financial support, and getting my own place, but am afraid
it's going to take too long to happen and by then we'll be
divorced and it'll be too late...
Slammed
(see addl post for this week's update after this)

Didn't post much this week, as it was pretty uneventful.

Got one email from WH early in the week, wanting to confirm
my SS# for some 401K paperwork he was filling out at work.
He also wanted to know if we had his parents SS# here at the
house, for the same paperwork. (He's always put me as his
primary beneficiary with his parents as secondary).
I replied back to confirm my social, and suggested he call
his parents for their- didn't even try to look for them !

Guess he must be over his illness, as he didn't mention
it or call wanting any "sympathy" or concern.

I had a nice break from my usual job hunting Mon.- had seen that the Botanical Gardens in a nearby city were going to
have their annual "free admission" day, so took my parents
and we enjoyed the nice day and beautiful gardens. Went to
a big bookstore afterwards so I could use up a gift card,
then went out to lunch. Also had rehearsal for my music
group later.
The rest of the week was more "typical", but I did work out
in the yard several hours- trimmed bushes and trees, raked
up lots of pine needs, and repaired a fence.
Otherwise, have applied for a couple of positions, worked
on family history, emailed friends, done some things around
the house, and enjoyed a couple of the new TV shows.

Was looking through a business insert in the paper last
night and got quite a shock when I saw an article about
WH's bank which included a photo of WH as well as his boss!
It said that the bank is going to open a new branch in a
local Mtn. community and I know this is an area where WH
has a lot of business contacts, so am sure he probably was
working on this development. My H would have discussed it
all in great detail, wanted my opinion, taken me to show
me the site, and I would have felt very proud of him, but
since it was WH I knew nothing of it, and felt said that
I am so far out of his life that I only found out by seeing
it in the paper. I'm sure he sent a clipping to his Mom so
they could "oooh and ahhh" like always !!

Hope to do some things with friends this weekend, and will
do some errands, things around the house, laundry, etc.
My parents will be leaving tomorrow for a 10 day vacation,
getting back on my bday, so will see them later today.
Slammed