Additional note to my two earlier posts today-

Forgot to add that I had dreams about WH last night-
probably brought on by seeing his picture in the paper !
Don't remember alot about it now, but think we were at
"his" house, remember lots of paperwork all around us,
and think we were talking about taking a trip but I was
telling him I wouldn't go to Vegas with him ever again
because he'd been there with OW.
Today I put the newspaper ad with his photo in my bag
to go to recycle, just so I wouldn't keep looking at it.
Would have liked it better if he hadn't looked handsome
and nice- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Realized lately that even while we've been in Plan B and
had no contact I still was feeling a "connection" of sorts
with WH. Don't know how to explain it exactly, except it
was sort of a closeness or a belief that we really would
get back together, that my H WAS still in there and would
come through. I guess I still had some faith in him and us.
Realized now that I'm not feeling much of it anymore, so maybe it is my losing some hope, or a feeling that he REALLY
is willing to give up me, us, our family and our life, for
OW. Nothing changed or happened this week, yet I feel this
new distinctive "coolness" in the air, and Wh seems even
more detached... don't know what to make of this and it
makes me feel scared.

Had to "rollover" the 401K from my old job and make some
financial decisions on it this afternoon, so I went to the bank and did it, by myself. Felt strange, since finance is WH's area of expertise and I normally would have discussed it with him. Thought it might feel "good" to handle it
myself, but really it just made me feel sad and alone-
guess it's just the "mood of the day".
Stopped by my parents afterwards, to see them a bit before
they leave for vacation tomorrow.
Slammed

slammed,

i know how you feel
and i've been scared for quite awhile now

Right. That's what happens when you break Plan B. It sets you back. Although you can hardly be responsible for what's in the paper, you can observe what happens when you see his photo again, find out some of his plans, etc. It starts up thoughts again, thoughts that take you nowhere.

Slammed, in recent posts, have you noticed how the focus has moved off you again, and back into speculative mode? You are speculating about their relationship, speculating about what went wrong, speculating about what's going to happen, speculating about what he thinks...

You're missing the point of Plan B...



Please do these things for yourself now. He has filed for divorce.



Huh???? How will it be too late if you are about to be divorced???

Your reliance on him, at this point, is unhealthy.

Slammed, I know it's hard, to accept the reality - I just wrote something similar in my thread. I realized that I also now tend to focus on WH more than before - which is making me feel much weaker and out of control. And I noticed that you are doing the same. We are naturally going through ups and downs, and this may be one of our "down" cycles. I am trying to figure out how to shift the focus on myself again, and I am sure you are doing the same. It's tough, but I know we will get through this. Let's remember it's not our loss but theirs. They are unstable and cannot maintain healthy relationships with anyone. They want to remain the victims, and as long as they believe that they are 'screwed up' because of their parents, us, or whoever, they will never become the responsible and stable partners. So maybe it's God's will that this is happening. We will have a better life afterwards and that is why this is happening. All of my friends and family members (even those who are initially trying to help us reconcile) now tell me that I will be better off without WH, and there is a reason why this is happening. Some flat out said that he will NEVER change because of his mentality and personality, and they strongly feel that I am only wasting my time on him. They mean it, and I understand where they are coming from. Most likely they are right. And I cannot make the objective decision because I am in the middle of it. When I see your situation, I feel the same - I understand why you are still going through difficult moments and hanging onto some hope, but at the same time, your WH repeated same things over and over - unless he truly recognizes his 'mistakes' and 'weaknesses', and unless he genuinely wants to change that, nothing is going to change. He will keep making the same mistakes. There is no way that he will be happy with you, with OW, or with anyone right now, because he has a lot of problems himself. I see that, so I'm sure you see that in my situation as well. It's easier to see things through when it is not your relationship.

We have to be strong and regain control in our lives, Slammed. Let's try to imagine how wonderful it might be if we do not have to always worry about WHs' thinking/behaviors. What if we find someone who is very stable and mentally strong, someone we can completely trust? That would be wonderful and we may thank our WHs later on for filing for divorce because otherwise we will never have such stable lives.

I am feeling weak the past couple days, but I am fighting too. I do not want to let this ruin my life, health and career anymore. I do not want to repeat the same things myself either - which is to feel so depressed, weak, and could not have a positive and happy life. I will not let that happen again. You sound much stronger than me - and you have your family nearby too. I know you will get through this. Please remember, there are millions of guys out there who would want to have a wife with half of your quality! I mean it.

Milk

Nice to hear from you A.M.and Milk~

Yes, seeing WH picture in the paper was difficult- hated
that he not only looked good and is apparently doing well
at work, but especially that I didn't even know anything
about the new bank branch until I read it in the paper- !!
I so HATE, HATE, HATE not knowing anything about WH's life
now; especially how his parents are doing, if his daughter
is doing better, what's going on at his job, etc.
It's so strange to go from being so involved and talking about everything with him to just "nothing", and so far,
unfortunately, I've not found a "switch" that can just shut
off my caring.

A.M.- my comment about "having my own money and getting my
own place" was a response to Mimi's comment on an earlier
post in which I said the only thing left (that I haven't
already done) that might get WH's attention and show that
I am "moving on" would be to get a good job so I'd have my
own money and not need his financial support, and to sell
this house and get my own place. My concern was that I've
yet to find a job, so can't support myself yet, and that
even if I put the house for sale right now, it wouldn't
likely sell quickly enough for me to make these changes
before the divorce waiting period is up and it's too late
to matter. She had agreed these would be good things to work towards and to try not to worry about the timeframe.
Finding a good job is my top priority right now- would have
been important if still with H too, of course. And, I've
known I'd have to move eventually, because if alone, I can't
afford and wouldn't need this large house, and if with H,
we'd be living in the "other" house, so both are ideas that
have been with me for awhile now.

Thinking of and praying for your job and financial sitch.

Milk- Thanks for the support and understanding. We have had
so many similarities in both having Wh's with mental issues,
their indecisiveness about what to do, to both having had
a "false recovery" of sorts, to now having WH's that think
it's easier to "bail" and divorce than to make the effort
to make their marriages work.
I definitely agree that it will be a big loss to our Wh's,
at least eventually, but right now it's hard to imagine
ever not feeling such a huge loss myself- I guess because
our life together and marriage were very happy until just
a year ago when WH's behavior changed and the A began- it
just still seems so unreal and "unlike" H to me that it's
hard to comprehend.

Thank you for the kind words and compliments, your faith in
me and for thinking that I seem strong- I think you seem to
be doing much better than I am right now.I am no where near being able to "accept" getting divorced; perhaps partly because of WH doing the same exact thing last year then not going through with it and my hope the same thing might happen now, or just because I feel, at least right now, like divorce would be an absolute disaster with no benefit, relief, or positive to me in any way, shape or form !
I know I'll have to learn to live with it if it happens,
and I would eventually be "okay" and live on, but I would
be unlikely to get involved with anyone in anything more
than friendship again, just too much "of a limb to go out
on" again. (Hard to explain, but I was a person who never
intended to marry, was very self-reliant, dated LOTS but
did not "need" anyone, and was slow and hesitant in my
getting involved with H. Dated a long time and lived with
him before I got married at age 35, which SHOCKED those who
knew me because no one thought I'd ever decide to marry and
I just don't think I could ever do it again).

Rather than thinking or focusing more on WH lately, I have
really been doing a lot of "soul searching" with myself,
and have realized that I probably had a lot more to do with
the demise of my marriage than I'd previously thought or
realized.
Although I do still think that WH's illness(es), MLC, and
some of his own issues (family,etc) had a lot to do with it
(and his choice to lie and cheat are still entirely HIM),
I have thought about a lot of things I did unwittingly that probably did made WH feel very unappreciated and perhaps
"emasculated" (see discussion in previous posts about my
taking the "mother" role and WH's relationship with his Mom
and the recent discussion with IC about me being the "solid,
stable, reliable" one while OW is "fun, sexy, exciting"),
as well as things I said to WH that were hurtful and also
disrespectful, and it just makes me feel sick and horrible !
It'd be hard enough to think I'd ever feel "okay" about things even if I could feel like I did everything right and all I could do to save my marriage, but how can I ever live with my marriage ending if it was MY fault !!?????
I just so want a chance to change and do things differently
and if I never get a chance, I'll have to feel guilt and
regret about it forever...how do you deal with that ???

Yes, I definitely am in a down cycle right now, and I'd
suppose we should expect a lot of ups and downs for a long
time to come. I think having such long days, and too much
time to think while I'm not working is really adding to my
feeling depressed and isolated, and am glad I'll have IC
again on Monday. I admire your positive attitude Milk, and
feel that you should be proud of all you did to keep your
family together ! I really tried, but I guess I also really
screwed things up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Slammed

I don't think you screwed things up. Don't think that way. Everyone makes mistakes, including you and your WH. But your intention was good. You supported WH as much as you could. You are a very loving person. Don't blame yourself so much. I did that last year and felt very depressed and helpless. But I don't want to do that again this year - because while I have made a lot of mistakes, WH made more mistakes and also I was always trying to be open and honest while WH had many secrets, and while we had many fights and I have said a lot of nasty things, I was not the one who was emotionally detached and lied about it. And I did not initiate to break up our family.

OW is far from perfection, yet right now your WH is with her, so obviously he did not leave because you were not perfect. I truly believe both your WH and mine do not know what they really want - well, I guess me too, because I want a happy family but I am not sure if WH will ever change, so we are all not sure about anything and that is causing a lot of confusion.

Stay strong!
Milk

Thanks for the prayers, Slammed. I definitely need them.

Slammed, I agree with Milkshake. I suspect your blaming yourself is yet another attempt to gain some kind of control -- even a negative control -- over a situation that has spun way out of anyone's reach. It's very hard to accept our powerlessness.



When you really start to connect your emotional "lows" with news from him, you will come to welcome the well of silence that is Plan B.

Every time I have the most minimal contact -- even now -- it sets be back.




Don't recall what Mimi said, but this is the kind of thinking I'd let go of, if I were you -- frantically trying to change the situation, frantically trying to get him to see you.

He has filed for divorce. He has done absolutely nothing to indicate a change of heart. Let alone meeting any one of the Plan B conditions.

You've got to count on the divorce going through. You've got to start planning and having a life without him.

If he has a change of heart -- and we've seen them on this board -- I'm sure he'll find a way to let you know. But right now ... nada. Nada is what you have to count on, at this point.

Don't try to impress him with how you are moving on. Just move on.

What's worse, I strongly suspect he knows what you are doing and how you are acting. I strongly suspect he knows how desperate and frantic you are to get him back.

I suspect your "real" message is speaking far more strongly than your intended message. I suspect he knows he could have you back any time he wants you. I suspect it's very unappealing.

slammed

i understand how you are feeling

just because he filed for D doesn'tmean you have stopped loving him

if you could turn love off just like that, you'd be just like a WS instead of a BS

although you DO have to accept that the divorce may happen and consider how your life will be if it does

you DO NOT have to give up hope, stop loving your H, or stop trying to find a way to make a difference

i have mananged to stall my H filing for D for a very long time....i could have just accepted it...but i'd be a divorced woman by now

instead i found a way to buy some time in case he sees reality

and isn't that what the Harley's believe?

that given time, a WS may see the mistake they are making and want to return to the BS

and Pittmann says that delaying the D could allow for the WS to overcome the addiction

my prayers are with you slammed

Thanks A.M., Milk, and EAV, all your thoughts and support
mean alot to me !
It's really been a long, tough weekend with dreary weather,
my parents out of town on vacation, and no friends available
to do anything. Had to get out of the house for awhile, so
just got back from walking the dog !

Thanks, Milk, for the reminder that none of us is perfect.
I know that I alone didn't cause whatever problems there were in our marriage (didn't even know we had any problems
until the affair !) but just had never really realized what
big "lovebusters" some of my actions and things I said were
unti lately. Guess it was just easier for me to feel like I
was always "right" and WH was the one who caused all the
problems, had "issues", and was "wrong".
WH used to say sometimes that he felt like I blamed him for
everything that went wrong and viewed myself as "perfect",
so maybe there was some truth in what he felt.
I'm just sorry that I didn't realize it at the time, when
I could have done something about it since there is no way
to go back and make things different now. Just wish I could
feel like I did everything right, and all I could do, so I
wouldn't have to live with the regrets...

I'm trying to stay busy, take care of me, and take it "a
day at a time", with my prime focus and effort on getting a
job. Having to sell the house and look for my own place will
then probably come fairly soon after that-
Didn't mean I'd be doing that just "for show" or to get WH's
attention- it is things I have to do anyway. But, if it would make him "see" things in a different light, it would be a great added "bonus".

I think it almost makes it harder that WH has filed the D
paperwork before, but then done nothing about it, because
it does give me some hope that he'll do the same thing now.
I'm not counting on that though. As far as I know he A is
still on, "full force", WH appears to be fine and doing
well at his job, and he seems to have taken up permanent
residency in "fog land".
I am going on with my life without H, and have done all the planning I can do at this point, but am trying to keep a little "flicker" of hope alive. It's strange that WH has
still never said anything about filing the paperwork- could
have mailed it, emailed me, or dropped it off when I was
gone from the house...never can figure him out.

Not sure what you mean, A.M., about WH "knowing what I am
doing or how I am acting", or my real message speaking far
more strongly than my intended message" (sorry, don't know
how to place a quote) ???
Since we don't see each other, have no mutual friends, and our only recent communication has been the couple of email exchanges about insurance and his 401K, how would he know anything about how I feel, what I am doing, acting, or that I even have a "message" ??
(other than what was said in the Plan B letter ???)

I know I spoke to him when I shouldn't have, back when he
stunned me by showing up with the D paperwork, but even then
I don't think I conveyed desperation or panic- I really just
repeated what was already said to him in the Plan B letter.
If he paid any attention to it at all, he knows my feelings,
knows my conditions,and so should know he CANT have me back
anytime he wants. What else/more can I do ?

Thanks, EAV, for understanding how I feel. I don't think
I can stop loving H, remembering our life and marriage as
a really wonderful thing, or give up hope, and I, too, had
hoped to "wait out" the affair, believing WH would come back
to real life when the addiction was finally broken.
It is a hard and fine line to keep some hope, yet know you
may have to live with being divorced and all the fallout.
Thanks for the prayers- you are in mine too !
Slammed

slammed

i am someone who does support those people who are willing to wait for the 2 years from the date of exposure even if they are in plan B or D during that time

because that's what i am doing

Eav, it's not that I am telling Slammed that she shouldn't "wait" -- by which I mean don't start dating, don't make permanent decisions that would preempt reconciliation, etc. I'm not even suggesting that she not do what she can to halt the divorce process, if that's best. It's more that I'm suggesting she be rational at this point.

Here's something I used to do: visualize all your love for WH, all the good times together, all the hopes that you shared. Think of them in one big psychological album. Wrap the album in a box, lock the box in a waterproof safe -- and then deep six it at the bottom of the ocean.

It will be there if you need it -- but put all those emotions aside, because right now they are only going to hurt you and torture you with "what ifs."

In fact, that process is what Plan B is about. And that way, should you have to haul up the wetbox, your album will be whole and intact, and the memories fresh.

You will also be able to proceed with your days free of pain -- as much as possible.

Otherwise you will find each day a painful resurrection of the past, and the shortcomings of the present. Every day, by replaying these emotions, your photos will become corrupted and faded.

EXACTLY, AM!!!

Maintain HOPE for the FUTURE; Face the REALITY of TODAY!!

Slammed,

Once you truly psychologically move on, I'm willing to be that you wouldn't want him back anyway. A few years from now, you'll wonder why you tortured yourself so much over someone who is such a total jerk. He's been awful to you, he shows no care for anyone else (DUIs and ignoring his children). I hear the bipolar excuses for his self-centered and deplorable behavior, but he sure seems to be completely stable in a business environment, where he seems to excel just fine.

You are better than this. You need to move on for yourself and not him. If you were in a healthy place yourself, would you want a guy who such an [censored] as he is? You are so much better than this. It sounds like he and OW are two of a kind.

I know that some of us are being pretty harsh... but you're hurting yourself so much right now by obsessing over this guy. Regardless of who he was in the past, this is who he is now. Besides being an unfaithful and nasty idiot to you, he keeps hurting other people to feed his own selfish and immoral desires. Maybe he'll kill an entire family while he's out driving drunk on his suspended license. Do you really want him back? You're a good person and you deserve so much more. I'd love to see you get disgusted with him and blame HIM for what he is and not analyze everything you've ever done and try to take responsibility for him. It sounds like you've been a great wife. Stop blaming yourself and try to see what he really is. You've gone way beyond what anyone should to try to help him find his way back to a decent life.

I hope things work out for you. They will if you'll let them. How about a temporary move to somewhere completely new? Why not take up Kayla on her job offer for one year?. If you hate it, you can come back home. Try something different to get out of your rut. Life is showing you a new path. Why not take it? You can always come back home. No decision can't be undone. I grew up a few miles from where you live. I live halfway around the world now. It's the best thing I've ever done. The worst thing that could happen is that you move back. You have to move anyway. The best thing that can happen is that you remove yourself from all your triggers and your WH and you find you love your new life. You could store your stuff and rent a little studio and go. Find reasons to do something new, not reasons why you can't. At least go drive up and check it out. You owe that much to yourself.

Thanks everyone, for the thoughts and support.

Feel like I've been having a really hard time with all this
lately, probably a lot of that due to the job situation and
having too much time on my hands to think !
I also really miss being able to talk and get together with
my best friend who just started a new job and has been too
busy and stressed to get together lately.
Finally, I'm feeling a lot of sadness as Fall comes around,
as that was the favorite season of both H and I, and I miss
being together to do all our "usual" things and celebrate
my birthday (next week), dog's birthday, WH's D13 birthday,
and Halloween. I really dread the biggie holidays- Tgiving
and Christmas- they were really awful last year.

A.M.- I like the thought of storing away those memories and
"pictures" in the mental box- have so tried to put aside the
thoughts and memories of our life and H, but it is very
difficult. I put away the actual photos around the house
some time ago, but there are still alot of memories around
me, just being in our house, with our dog. Maybe moving to
my own place will be beneficial just to be away from that.

Mimi- I really like "Maintain hope for the future, face the
reality of today". Having been thinking of that, and find it
is a "fine line" to move forward alone while still hoping that H will again join me at some point.

GrownUp-
It is nice to think that there might come a time when I
wouldn't want H back and could no longer care about him-
perhaps that time will come someday.
Right now though, the 11 years of truly "wonderful" life and
marriage we had together still heavily outweight the 1 year
of "awful" we've had since the affair began. It's still so
easy to remember H as the loving, caring, honest, sensitive
and fun person he really was all that time, even though I
do recognize his behavior and actions now as horrible and
do get very disgusted with him.
Whether the total change in personality and attitude is a
MLC, heavy affair fog, and/or issues with the bipolar and
other mental disorders I don't know- perhaps a combination of those things and maybe more. Whether WH will ever be
back like he was, don't know either. Not Dr., counselors,
psychiatrist or even the Harleys could answer that...

I do feel like I tried very hard to make our marriage work
and was a good wife, friend, lover, and partner- I don't
mean to sound like I take all the blame or don't think that
H is responsible for his own actions and decisions. I've
just come to realize the part I have played too and know
that it was not only H.
I feel like I do see him as he truly is, good and bad, and
no matter how he thinks of things, "re-writes history",
conveniently "forgets" things, or tells OW, I know what we
really had and how our life was. I think what bothers me
most of all is that he won't just simply "acknowledge" that
we did have a good life, marriage, and happiness together.
Of course, I realize this isn't the way WS think (or at
least will admit it). I'm having a big problem with how you
ever find closure when you can never understand why and how
this happened ?? (Will have to mention this to IC today)

Slammed

Great insight, IMO, in your last post, Slammed!

You're getting there, I think.

It takes longer for some of us.

I think each one of us moves at our own pace and that it's important to RESPECT individual differences.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ended up having a very strange day yesterday-

Worked on job hunting, some email correspondence, and a few
things around the house in the morning. We also had a power outtage of about an hour, for unknown reasons.
Just before I left the house for my IC and some errands in the afternoon, I got an email from WH, that said:
"Any luck yet in finding a job ? If you want to check to,
send me your resume and letter of recommendation and I'll
check around with my contacts.
We've got to get that house up for sale soon, and will need
to talk about that."
WH

WH hadn't mentioned anything about selling the house since
before I lost my job, but I'm not surprised he is starting to mention it again now, as I'm sure he probably has to pay the first mortgage payment on that other house starting in Oct. and is feeling a money crunch when combined with his car, boat, credit cards, and the bills/expenses he helps
pay for on this house. Obviously, I don't want to sell this
house until I have a job and can plan for what I can afford
myself and find a place. If I got a really good paying job
I'd even like to keep this house, although I doubt I will
find anything making enough to do that.

Didn't have time to reply, and wanted to think about it, so
went on to my IC, which went okay. As with my friends here,
IC reminded me that it always "takes two" to contribute to
marital problems, but that I shouldn't feel like it was my
fault or take on any more than my fair share of "blame",
and that just living with a bipolar person is difficult
in good circumstances, much less WH possibly having some
other issues, and the affair going. Felt a little better
when I left, and stopped to get food for a "potluck" I was
to attend last night for my music group.

Got home and there was a message on our machine, from OW !
Said "Hey Slammed, it's OW. Heard you said I call there all
the time, so thought I'd give you a call. Why don't you pick
up the phone, are you a f*@%ing chickens$#t ? I know you are
probably there since you can't even keep a job. You know I
I have never called there, don't tell you jack s$*t about anything in our lives, or nothing, so why don't you f*#@ing grow up, get a life, and leave us alone. This is really starting to [email]f@#*ing[/email] [email]pi@%[/email] me off. "

I was stunned ! Largely because I blocked OW's cell phone
number some time ago when she kept calling, and hadn't seen
any further calls from her, and because she left a message
which she'd never done before ! (except back when WH was
living at home, attempting reconciliation). I was also
surprised by her irate, trashy "tirade" and what made her
bring up my saying she had called here- that was something
I had told WH months ago ! Her trashy talk with cuss words
and poor grammar didn't surprise me though- sounds JUST
like her trashy self ! Since I have blocked her cell number
I guess she must have called from a work phone, home, or
possibly a pay phone- number did not show on Caller ID.

More I thought about it, I got really offended and mad that
she had called our house, having such a fit. Also she most
certainly HAS called our house, numerous times, both from
her own number with her name showing on Caller ID, and from
WH's house when she was staying there. I'm also sure that
a lot of "private caller" calls I used to get were her.
I thought of all kinds of things I'd like to say back to
her, especially to her comment about my "getting a life"
(I'd say I have a life, and it doesn't involve sleeping with
someone else's husband, you ought to try it) and her remark
about leaving "them" alone (I'd say YOU need to leave my
husband and I alone !) I also wonder how she knows that I
am not working, and did not appreciate her comment about my
not "keeping a job", since she knows nothing of me or my
circumstances !! Made me wonder if she had called my old
office number and been told I was no longer there, since I
know she did have my work number (had called me there back
in July).
A little later, I went back to work on email, and replied
back to WH's earlier message, just saying "No, I had not
yet found a job". I was debating whether or not I should
accept his help on a job and send my resume, so didn't say
anything about that or send it. As a second thought, I
also added another line, saying:
"Please be advised that OW is still calling our house and
has this afternoon left an irate, ugly message. If she
continues, I will have her prosecuted to any extent that I can".

About an hour later, our phone rang, and I saw that it was
WH, calling from his cell phone. I didn't answer, but he
left a message saying: "He was on his way from work to a meeting, but had gotten my email, and was sorry that OW had called here. That he had told her some time back that she needed to leave me alone and not be calling here, and that something had just come up about it again recently, which must have been what sparked her call. Said he wondered what it was that she had said, and had I saved the message ? He suggested I block her number so she couldn't call again, and then said, again, he was sorry she had called, that he did not want her doing stuff like that."

About one minute after he left the message, my phone rang
again, this time showing WH's house phone number! Knowing
WH was not at home, I suspected OW must be at his house,
maybe hoping I would pick up thinking it was him, or that
I'd talk to her- didn't of course, and she didn't leave a
message. (so who is the chickens$*T !!!??)

Thought that maybe I'd try to record OW's message onto a
little tape recorder I have, in case I needed it later,
but didn't have time to mess with it before I left for my
potluck dinner and rehearsal. Got home later and was glad
to see that there were no calls or messages, except my Mom
calling to say hello from Hawaii ! (they are on vacation).
Was bummed though, to see that the power had been out again
while I was gone, as the message on the machine was gone and
I didn't have a chance to tape it.

Nothing today- I got up, have been working on some email,
am preparing some resumes to go out. I'm hoping to get
together with a girlfriend for dinner.

More I've thought about it, don't know if it was good or
bad to let WH know about OW, but based on his response
I don't think he knew she was doing this, and he seemed
sincere in apologizing and saying he didn't want her doing
this stuff. If it gets through the fog at all and he might
see what kind of an unstable person OW is, then maybe it's good.
Or, perhaps he talked to her about it and she got a "kick"
out of annoying me, but at least it might keep her from
doing it again, knowing WH knows, and that I could get her
in trouble if she harasses or threatens me. (I also still
have that packet of all of WH's letters/cards and the gross
photos with note she sent, just in case it's needed.)
Lastly, I guess it could be that WH didn't even say anything
about it at all to her, seeing how she just does whatever
she wants and he seems powerless to ever stand up to her or
do anything that might risk him getting his "fix".

What do you think about my sending my resume to him for
possible help in finding a job ?? He does have a lot of
business contacts.
Slammed

I YELLED out loud in my office when I read that you responded to his E-Mail.

My colleague said: "What's the matter?"

SLAMMED??? You are in PLAN B. Didn't we say TOTAL DARKNESS from now on? Did you remember the message of not being FRIENDLY with this man who is divorcing you and is involved with a trashy woman that taints your life with filthy voicemails??

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

SLAMMED!!

You have got to be kidding. If I could find you right this minute, I would shake you!! Good that I can't....

There are so many problems here with your thinking.

You are right back into their CRAP and it is definitely nothing but CRAP.

This is the point of PLAN B...to remove yourself from this INSANE TRIANGLE..this PIGSTY of a LIFESTYLE that infidels live in..

They got you caught back up into this and it will end up being about YOU, SLAMMED and not about THEM.

The point of PLAN B is for them to stay tuned into themselves. With you to talk about now, this will take the focus off of the problems in their relationship.

THE POINT OF PLAN B IS FOR YOU TO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM HIM, FROM HER, FROM THIS!!!

Your WH does not want to HELP YOU, SLAMMED!! This is all about HIM....him wanting to feel OK about continuing his A and leaving you.

You are supposed to IGNORE HIM and to PRETEND as if he does not exist. DARK! DARK! DARK!

You have completely gotten about of PLAN B...

I don't know whether to get out the 2x4 or to throw out HUGS to you....

YUCK......

Mimi,
2X4 or hugs accepted !
Hate to disagree, but feel like I handled this situation
pretty well, even though I know it was not exactly "Plan
B".
While still married with joint property, accounts, bills
and expenses, I don't have a way to be totally "dark",
but have tried to limit all contact to the business-like
emails in regards to finances,etc. Don't know of any other
way to handle things, and am trying to keep in mind that
WH is paying the house payment and associated expenses here
when he doesn't have to. (and I really do need him to do
this given my lack of job and funds).
Don't see that I was friendly or nice in any way in my
brief response to his email. It's the time of the month
that I send the bills list to WH, and I'm sure his inquiry
about my having a job was to know if I'd be contributing
or not. I didn't mention anything about the house situation.

I wasn't sure about accepting any help from WH in regards to
a job, but the fact is I do need a job, and soon. I'm sure
WH is offering to help to act "nice", or more likely hoping
that I'll have a job so he doesn't have to pay as much on
the bills, but if I could get a good job of it, wouldn't
that be a great advantage to me ? I can't move on, become
financially independent or get a new place until I have an
income and I'm getting pretty desperate here.

I agree that I don't want anything to do with WH and OW
or to be involved in their triangle in any way, but I am
also really tired of just sitting here, doing nothing and
saying nothing, getting brought into their "mess" anyway
by no doing of my own, and just taking it like a wimp !
Feel like all that has brought me is WH and OW doing any
thing they have wanted with no consequences and WH taking
my silence as my either being too weak to do anything, my
"appeasing" him, or as my being "okay" with things, so he can proceed to D with no guilt or having to be "the bad guy". I understand what you mean about this giving them
something to talk about and concentrate on, but considering
that they "manufacture" things anyway, doesn't seem like
it would be much of a change. Also, as you've said, they
know they have a sick affair, not real relationship, know
the other lies, cheats and has major issues, yet they stick
together because they are still getting their fix, so is
them talking about me really going to make a difference ?

In this case, I just felt like my doing nothing was more
harmful and allowed a lot of disrespect, which is what I
am really working FOR. JMO.

Slammed