Well, we're going to try to boost you up onto that white horse again. When your wife feels safe with you again, her feelings will change.

I hope so, I need to get back on that horse and sweep her away and show her I am her man!!! The book "Codependant No More" is at my local Library, I have it reserved, sounds like the book I need, Thanks so much, I do hope I can "fix" myself!! Lostone

lostone,

I suspect you did not know how much she loved you because you did not want to take the responsibility that comes from being loved deeply. If you want to be her knight in shining armor, accept that she loves you deeply even now, but that she is also very very hurt and afraid right now.

Lostone, you said
Nope, not really. What she needs is protection and safety. That is why sending the NC letter is so important. It starts to let her know that you will protect her by proclaiming officially and in writing that you want NC with the OW. It seems a little late doesn't it? But, it is not. This letter is for your W and about your W, not you or the OW.

Lostone, little things, that show you care, that show you are thinking of her (yes flowers, but also understanding she is triggered by something and very down.) If you let your emotions go down with hers, you cannot be her knight in shining armor. She does not need you to tell her to get over it, she does not need new vows. What she needs is for you to come home, notice she is down, ask her about it and listen to her when she tells you. Then you offer her something to help her if NOT fix her feelings. Perhaps it is a simple dinner out, perhaps it is taking care of the kids, or the house or the dishes while she rests. And you do these things consistently so that she knows you care, you get that she is down, and that you will be sensitive enough to do little things to allow her time to work through the trigger.

Lostone, I don't know if anyone has given you a time line, but allow me to offer you some idea of how long this is going to take. It will be a least a year or two before the triggers really melt down to mole hills. It will be a year or two of recovery and your consistent efforts for her to feel comfortable with you, and it may take many years before the feelings associated with the memories detach.

Further, you now have less slack (fewer deposits in the love bank) so any back sliding will not be given a lot of slack. You don't have to be perfect, but you cannot ever let down on your awareness of your W, her feelings, her position in your life, and your love for her. You are not an indentured servant, but you are a man who wants your W's love and has love to give your W.

Now you know why I opened with the sentence I did. To be loved deeply requires you accept the responsibility of acting as one deserving of love.

God Bless,

JL

Well, you did it once, and I think you can do it again.

Wow!!!! Thanks JL and Believer, I need to read these and reread them to let them soak in. Yes I probabaly did not want to take responsibility or even knew how to take responsibility for being deeply loved. Now did I deserve to be loved like that, I think probabaly not. So now I need to accept the responsibility of acting as one so deserving of love! Thanks for all the wisdom Lostone

What about the NC letter? I think that will really help her.

I liked it when my H made it CLEAR and I BELIEVED HIM that he was doing something FOR ME or WITH ME that he NEVER did with the OW...even so trivial as WASHING MY CAR. He now keeps it CLEAN and I happen to know that her car is ALWAYS DIRTY every time that I see it...

We have gone SPECIAL PLACES..like the Grand Canyon..creating NEW SPECIAL MEMORIES in this NEW LIFE TOGETHER that we have...

Just some rambling thoughts of mine...

I promise I will do the letter tomorrow! I know now I need to make it happen! Anybody read my BS'S Valintine poem posted in this forum?? she is a wonderful poet, just don't know it!! Lostone

I think that it is so important to be kind to each other, and to treat each other tenderly at this point. (I have been working, and working and working at this myself) Your W has been through something (betrayal) that we as FWS just can't understand. And it's very early in your recovery. As mimi points out, spend special time with each other. Find out what her biggest Love Deposits are and do them.

It is never too late to become what you might have been....together.

How is that NC letter coming?

Also I don't remember the details of how the affair ended. Did you go into that in one of your posts?

I did the letter today, will give to wife when she gets home from work. Yes I went into the ending on a earlier post but will tell agin if you'd like. Lostone

I looked at your posts, but couldn't find the story of why the affair ended. Maybe I missed it.

OOPS I did state the facts in an earlier post, however it was no on this thread.

So here goes; My A ended approx 6 months before D-Day, yes I know odd but true, A former employee of the OW who got fired for stealing over 10K, felt guilty that she knew about the A and made several phone calls to my wife. At the time I was upset that I was caught or turned in or revealed or whatever you want to call it. I mean how could she, she said she was a Christian woman and had to tell, my reasoning if she was a Christian woman then why did she steal cash to support her druggie BF. But now I look back and am so thankful she had the guts to make those calls. I always denied and lied about the A to my wife, Thinking it would just go away and I could forget about it and work on the M by myself and live happily ever after. Well let me tell you those calls changed all that and more, but now I know it's better to get it out!

Anyway the A ended by me because I just could not do it any longer and she was falling in love with me. Yes I had feelings for her but I know I did not love her, I just could not stop it sooner, nor did I have the balls to come clean with the most important person in my life and tell her. Oh if I could change things, but if we could then there would be no need for this forum would there?

So here I am trying to get our life the way it was or better than it was. The ups and downs, the never trusting me again, and her triggers, and other issues she deals with everyday that I had no clue about for a long time.

She is concerened now that I am sugarcoating to make me look not so bad, well I don't want to do that but I might and not really knowing it, so please bear with me, I will do my best to be as honest and truful as I can be even though it hurts, and yes some of these words flowing into ythe keyboard do hurt and make me feel so crappy, but then again I think they should and I do deserve to be hurt after all the pain and suffering I have caused!!

No I have a question to you all, this is bothering me since she mentioned it to me last night. I understand but it still hurts me to think she don't trust me. Anyway she asked me if I have been in contact with the OW. I have not, she wants to get cell phone records for the past 6 months to see if I have or have not. There will not be any calls on the bill, but it still hurts me for her not to believe me. It costs about 75.00 to have this done, and I know its a waste of money but also too understand that she needs to do this. How long will this last? Will every 6 months or so will she want to do this? I know the A will never be forgotten but we do need to move fwd. She also told me last night that sometimes she really wants to yell at me and have "angry outbursts" but is afraid I will go running back to the OW. I understand her reasoning but it still hurts to hear that. Am I wrong in my feelings?? Lostone

Lostone,

You had an affair and hid it from your wife. Every day you didn't tell her about it, you were lying to her. Just because you are recommitted to your marriage, is she going to suddenly trust you? No.

Trust isn't something someone just gives you. It's earned over time. The more often we see someone being honest and faithful, the more we trust them over time.

You are (were) currently at point 0. She had no trust in you. If she is going to start trusting you again, she needs to see the proof. Show her the cell phone bills, let her access your email accounts, let her call you whenever she wants to see what you are up to...

If every time I met you on the street I kicked you in the nuts, would you trust me the day I say I'll stop? Probably not. The first day you'll wear a cup and turn your back to me as you walk by. A few days later you'll stop wearing the cup, but you'll still keep your eyes on my as I walk by. A few months later you'll be able to walk by without fear of harm. It takes time.

Like Harley says, marriage isn't based on trust, it's based on love and care. She shouldn't trust you at this point. If she did then she'd be naive. You need to regain her trust by your actions and with time.

By the way, I think my analogy rocks!

It would be money well spent.

By the way, I was talking to your wife about you working 2nd shift. Do you realize that even in an ideal marriage, different shifts play havoc? Very few stongly committed partners with no marital problems can pull it off.

Believer, It's truly not the money, it's the principle, and I guess i have not convinced her of the NC, but there has not been any. So I am not worried about any numbers on the bill cause there is not any. I do expect the not trusting, and would probably be more upset if in fact she did trust me. As you know I have a terrible track record.

The working second shift, I know now was a mistake. I work a bid type job, and I took a promotion, about 5,000 a year increase, but I had to take a off-tour residual position till the next posting occurs and possibly bid back to days. So it is strictly temporary, I know know it was a mistake and now my old position was filled so I am kind of stuck for a few weeks. I know I made a mistake but there is little I can do for now. She does kinda throw it into my face and it hurts me cause I so much want to go back to days and make her happy but I can only do so much right now. I did work hard at training and taking and retaking the test for this position, but now I have to set priorities and I can always take a promotion later if need be.

Lostone

I strongly advise you to do whatever it takes to get off that shift. Did you discuss changing shifts with her and get her agreement?

If not, the two of you need to get into that habit.

I say we did, she said we didn't so yes I am catching that from her too, I know we have to use the POJA, it's very hard for me though as i am much older and set in my ways, but yes I will change and yes I am trying to get back on day shift soon, I even got one of my "big" bosses upset at me for wanting to renig on my promotion, so they know what my requests are. Lostone

If you tell them that you are in the midst of marriage problems, they should understand.

Are you old and set in your ways, or do you just want things your way?

Yes they know of the problems, but are short of personell, they are trying to help but takes a little bit of time.

Yes I guess a little of both, LOL set in my ways and we all know I am or was selfish!!!!! LOSTONE

Hope that is WAS selfish. But you are somewhat like the typical man, not thinking about things that are important to women. Hopefully we can help you out with that.