OK, A little history on my last two posts. DD was Dec. 4, 2005. An unknown number showed up his/her calling 140 times, I asked WH who's number that was and he didn't know. Finally admitted it was someone we both knew from bowling and she was on his Wed. night league.... come to find out, twice in a row.
I ended up ordering a year and six months of bills and they had been calling eachother the whole time.
He agreed to quit bowling but every Wed. night, he would forget or tell me he wasn't quiting.
WEDNESDAY; I put a digital recorder in his car on Wed. night before he left. I also called a friend to take me up there, I was thinking that if I was there to remind him then he would have to quit. Connie and I pulled into the parking lot and my WH and the OW are standing outside talking. I told Connie that I was going in to pee and get a beer and that I would be right back. When I came back out Connie was getting off her cell phone with my WH, Who had left! He was asking her if I had come back out yet? She said No, and that she was getting worried. He said he was comming back. (Inside the bar I did not say a word to her, she came in as soon as my WH left. She went up to some guy sitting on the other side and whispered in his ear, he threw back his head and laughed and looked at me. After that the bartender came back in, I got my beer and went back outside.)
When I got outside and Connie told me that my WH was headed back I told her I don't want to see him! Let's go around the side of the building! She and I walked around and were standing there talking when the OW and a friend came charging across the road. The OW started screaming at me that I needed to lay off and that she and my husband were friends and they already told me that there was nothing going on! I didn't say a word to her but looked at her friend and said "If some b***** and your husband had been calling eachother for over a year and a half, what would you think!" The OW went nuts, She ran at me screaming and shoved me so hard I hit the wall behind me and fell, cutting my wrist on a piece of glass. Connie jumped in and grabbed me and started screaming "That's assault! I can't believe that you just hit her! Someone call the police!" The OW's friend grabbed her and held her and Connie took me inside screaming that her friend had been assaulted in the parking lot." People that work at the bowling alley came up to ask if I was ok and what was going on. I told then that the b**** that was f****** my husband attacked me! They asked if I needed anything or if I wanted them to call the police, I said "No, Connie get me out of here!" We went to leave and my WH pulled out in front of us. I had Connie take me to my sisters house, where my DS was spending the night and I stayed there.
THURSDAY; WH stayed home from work, I had to take DS home to get him ready for school, I didn't have anything to say to WH but he had alot to say, screaming at me for comming up there and my starting s*** with the OW. WRONG! DS and I left and I didn't go back home until time for DS to get home. More yelling from WH until he left to go bowling with his dad at 5:30.
After they left I went to get out the voice recorder. The truck was locked so I called a lock smith. Got the door open and got what I needed!
WH; Come on and get in, you can ride with me. You want to chop off my head huh? You look good sexy! Mmmmmm, ohhhhhhh!
OW; Hey Sandy, come here!
WH; Did she see us?
OW; I don't know if she saw us kiss or not. It's ok.
WH; No, it's not ok!! Did she say something?
OW; She asked and I just gave her a look and she shut up.
More kissing
WH; Tonya keeps telling me that other guys want to be with you and it really pisses me off!
OW; Well, I told her that I only want to be with you!
More kissing and then they drive back to the bowling alley.
I pretended to be asleep when he got home, I didn't want to tell him what I knew!
PS - I went to the court house this morning to have a restraining order put against the OW, there has to be two insidents, NICE!
FRIDAY; I woke up at 5:30 and WH is still in bed. I asked him what he was doing and he said that her took two days off work. (Thinking that I'm going to work and he can spend time with the OW?? I called in too!) I dropped DS off at school and went to my DMIL's house and called WH on my cell phone. (yes, she knows everthing!) Told him what I had and that I wanted him out! (I wish I could have seen his face!) He kept calling me and calling me crying and telling me that he had made a mistake, please come home and talk to him, give him 5 minutes and if I still wanted him to leave then he would.
I finally agreed and on my way home I get a phone call from the OW. She said "WH called me, You F****** B**** The game is on! He told me about the recorder and I called the FCC and they know where you live!"
Me "What recorder?"
OW; You heard me B****, The game is on!"
And she hung up.
I turned my car around, called WH and didn't go home until it was time for DS to get home from school. WH took DS to the park, he asked me if it was ok? I said yes and packed both their bags while they were gone. DS was spending the night with DMIL. They got back and WH is still crying and begging me to forgive him, He knows he hurt me, He will never bowl again, I will know where he is every second for the rest of his life, He knows I will never be able to trust him again, etc, etc....
After he left he calls my friend who lives across the street, he knows I haven't had the time to listen to the whole tape. He tells her to please come over and take it away from me, she says she can't do that. He asks all kind of questions about the recorder and finally tells her that on Thur. (After the OW attacked me on Wed.) He had sex with the OW in his truck at 2 pm. He told me he had gone to get parts for the lawn mower...
WHERE WE ARE NOW: He's out of the house, has admitted to me that he has had sex with her, He says he has talked to her and told her it is over, he never wants to see her, he will never bowl with her, that he only wants to get back in the house, (That kind of worries me, that she knows he isn't here.) bla bla bla
Oh, and that she has told her husband. Now will I get rid of the recorder???? UH, No! He has asked me over and over "Where is it? Everything is out, now will you get rid of it???
The recorder and the cell phone bills and everything else I have collected are not in this house, they are safe!
I don't think this woman is going to just drop it, she is a drug addict and really wants my husband! What can I do to protect myself if she should come after me again???

Come on, somebody, anybody.... What do I do now??

I don't have any experience with this type of OW situation. Did the police document this incident? Maybe you should document everytime she contacts you. Make a copy of the tape and keep the recorder handy.

What is your WH's plan now?

Wow! I dont really know what to tell you. I cant imagine how yuor WH could see anything in this woman. I think the most important thing is for you to protect yourself at this point.
I also take it that you are still trying to fight for your marrige? If so, given the circumstances, any potential recovery might have to be done in another city. So.....I would definitely be looking at a way to get completely away from this nutcase.
And perhaps more importantly, what concerns me the most, is that you said that OW is a druggie. Consequently you must keep your own health as the #1 priority given that your WH has engaged in SF with this wackjob.
Is widespread exposure to OW's family, workplace....anyone else you can think of a possibility?

vetech11,


Wow, don't count on this being true at all! Your WH made a point of telling you this for one reason and one reason only. So that you will not expose the A to her H!
This, in my opinion, is why she is panicked by your knowing the truth. She is trying to intimidate you so you will keep your mouth shut.
Don't fall for this ploy. You should do everthing in your power to expose this to QW's H. This will throw a bucket of cold water on the A and it seems to me, your WH and OW do not want this to happen. OW's H could be a great ally of yours in busting up this A. Do not overlook this resource.
How about following up with criminal/civil charges aginst //OW as your friend was a witness to the assalt upon you by OW? This might also serve the purpose of defining exactly where your WH's loyalty really lies?
Food for thought.
All blessings,
Jerry

vettech, you need to expose this to her husband. Do you know where he works? Put a tape recorder on your phone and tape all your phone calls in case she calls. I would also call the police and see if you can file assualt charges.

I agree - assault charges MUST be filed.

Have you made a copy of the tape in case he does get his hands on it?

Lady, your WH, and probably you, need to be tested for the whole range of STDs...like right now! Drug addicts don't mingle with the best of crowds and God only knows what bugs she's carrying around in her system. You caught them once having sex. Who knows how many other times there have been?

Second, you need legal advice. I suspect you're in the process of deciding whether to work on Plan D or not, but even if you decide not to, you need an attorney who can help you with restraining orders and the like. Don't depend on what you get in a quick call or visit to your local police station.

I would file assault charges. We had a member here who got attacked by the OW and ended up with broken facial bones, a broken jaw, and cracked ribs. She had just exposed to the OW's husband. She was getting out of her car at K-Mart, when the OW whacked her with a pool que. The OW came out of nowhere and took her by surprise.

I would be very, very careful. And I would get a restraining order against her.

I don't think it is to late to make a police report for the assault in the parking lot and to press charges. You need documentation and records to show that she is dangerous.

It's too bad you didn't allow the police to be called at the time of the assault, but again, it isn't too late to press charges, I don't think.

Get out of the chaos. Get out of it right now. Your husband is bringing it into your house, your home, your world, and, I'm sorry to say, your bloodstream.

So. Take firm, clear, and unequivocal steps to get this chaos out of your life. There is no reason and no need to put up with any of it.

I know you love your husband. That's good. Everyone should love their spouse.

So. You make clear to him that he is more than welcome to move home when doing so will not cause you more chaos. Till then, he ain't welcome in your world.

That pretty much goes triple for the OW. She's not welcome in your world. Period. You know what you need to know. Now you get the restraining order, you file charges, and you DON'T continue to engage in behaviors that endanger you. (What are you doing drinking beer in the middle of an incredibly volatile situation?? What are you doing ENTERING such a volatile situation? Get yourself out of that mindset.)

Ranting, chaos, showing off, making noise, getting in trouble with the law or the other people at the bowling alley? That's not what you need to be doing.

Get yourself to your house of worship and spend an entire day getting quiet with God (or whoever you worship). Keep going back until you can find the peace inside yourself, because that's the only way you're going to be able to maintain peace in your world.

Spend a lot of time with your kids -- they need stability and order and routine, and they do not need to see their mom girl-fighting in the parking lot. Ever. Not your fault, I know... but it WILL be the next time, because you now know that being anywhere near that sitch will get you assaulted.

Think of the most peaceful and protected place you know about -- and think about the rules they have that keep things that way. Those boundaries are what you need to build in order to create peace in your world.

Dear Just J and everyone else, thanks for your replies. I wasn't drinking beer all night. I may have had half of the one I bought inside the bowling alley! I agree that maybe I shouldn't have been there but then again I think it's good to know thyne enemies.
Yes, I love my husband, and yes, I want him back. He has cried a river talking to me and telling me how much he loves me and our DS.
We just got back from the movies with DS. WH came over and we took my car. He stayed a few minutes and when I said that I wanted to go and lay down he left and said he would call me tomorrow.
I want him home but I don't want him to think, well... that was easy!
Hugs to all going through this kind of awful ordeal!!

Uhm, vettech, perhaps you don't mean it to read this way, but your post sounds like you want to make excuses for where you were, what you were doing, and your own role in the results. You are NOT to blame for being assaulted. However, you are responsible for being at the bowling alley, choosing to drink there (even a small amount has a significant effect), and continuing to have contact with your husband when he has not taken the steps necesary to be allowed back into a chaos-free household.

If you want to change the things that are happening, vettech, it is very important that you recognize what you -can- change, have the strength to make those changes, and let go of the rest.

This is not easy. It forces you to step away from your own chaos. That's very, very hard. Chaos can be incredibly seductive (a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream is chaos in frozen form!) and hard to spot. So really. Spend some time with God and start to understand that your own choices deserve your very careful and thoughtful discrimination. It'll serve you well.

Well, then you don't make it easy. If you fall into the trap of believing their tears and their BS tears, you'll live it again...Your Cheating Husband is very sad because he got caught....plain and simple. He had no intention to tell you anything if you hadn't wised up and caught him. This has been going on for over a YEAR, This does not get erased in one day, or even one month. Your physical, emotional and financical health as well as that of your sons were all risked for this affair. It ended because HE WAS CAUGHT, NOT because he wanted to change.

Now, I am not telling you to divorce him or do any of that $hit, but you better see this for what it is, and realize a "river of tears" and begging to come back are worthless from him now. Desperate men do desperate things.

Here is what I would do if I were you:

1. NO SEX WITH HIM FOR 6 months.
2. FULL STD testing for you and him in the interim
3. Get a credit report for both of you and assess your financial situation
4. FULL NC letter and marital counseling and IC for each of you.

These are what would be the bare MINIMUM for me to take him back if I were in your shoes.

Love is not enough. If you want to do this, do it right. If you do it the "right" way....there is no EASY about any of this. A man who wants his family back do whatever it takes to make that happen. Let him be that MAN.

If you take short cuts and do it half A$$ed, you should fully expect to be here down the road with continued heartbreak and dysfunction.

This may not be what you want to hear...but so be it.

Your Cheating Husbands "word" is worth about as much as a dirt trader in Pakistans 401K.....ZERO.

What do you think about this?

LEM

Vettech,

I am so sorry you are going through this and had a physical altercation with the OW.

I agree with everyone here file charges and get away from the chaos.

Lem's last post to you is right on the money...

I do have to say though I am now finding bowling alley's to be the den of adultry. My WH also met his OW at the bowling alley. Now he lives with her. And I like you know her so that even makes it worse. But please no more confrontaions with her she sounds very dangerous....



Hurting

lemonman
I think you are the smartest person I've ever met! I'm a teacher with EH (emotionally handicapped) kids. And we tell them that all the time... Your not sorry you did it, your just sorry that you got caught!
My WH has lied and lied and lied, why should I believe anything he says?
WH came by and took DS and I to the movies yesterday. He stayed about 30 min. after we got back. After he left he came back about 10 min. later asking me for the tape. He gets really angry that I won't give it to him, then switches to the crying mode. Saying I just don't want you to listen to it anymore I hate to see you hurting! He thinks there is more on this tape than there really is. It has 5 files, but only taped on file A and then quit.
I really wish I knew what he thought I had! Every time I see him at some point he starts asking "What have you listened to? How long did it go? You need to give me that tape so that I can destroy it!" And on and on.
It's really kind of scary the way he keeps asking. Last night I had a dream that on the tape they were plotting to kill me! Waaaayyy to many lifetime movies!!
On exposure, His whole family knows, my family, our friends and neighbors, teachers that I work with and everyone at the bowling alley!
He told me yesterday that he called her and told her that he wants nothing to do with her anymore and has quit bowling.
He also said that she told her husband.
When I asked what did she have to say to not seeing you anymore? he said "She said ok"
I asked "What did her husband have to say?" WH said "I don't know, I told her that I was just trying to get back into the house."
I seriously doubt that this woman is just going to give up, she really wants my WS. And I doubt too that she has told her husband!

Hurtinginokla
Don't worry, I plan on being no where near the bowling alley on Wednesday nights! The OW and her family live about 5 miles from our house though. I have never seen her at the local Wal-Mart, shopping or anything but you can bet I'll be watching my back! Should I see her... I will go the other way and get the heck out of there!

vet,

get yourself the book: Never be lied to again by David J. Lieberman
Read it carefully and then you might decide what to do.

Your husband seems worried............very worried.

Make a copy of it and then let it go for awhile until you definately have decided what you are going to do.

From what you have wrote, your husband is in shock and he's definately NOT trustworthy!!!! He's trying to push your buttons.

No matter how hard it is for you right now, stay on track. Decide what you want to do and how. Read all you can here in MBers.

Usually the best thing to do until you've sorted things out is to go into a Plan A. Plan A your best and give it a time limit. Don't let yourself be pressured by things your WS might say or want from you concerning the tape.
Otherwise, be a good listener and do what you can to make "you" feel good.

If he rants and gets mad............let go and don't let yourself get involved. This is "his" problem and he's going to have to find a way on his own to work through that. It is NOT up to you to educate him about what he should do about this. His secret is now out in the open and no longer a secret, so this means he's going to have to deal with this on his own without putting the blame onto you.

I'm sorry that this has gotten so ugly for you......I can imagine the pain it brings to you.
Still, I'd like to tell you that "you" are the strong one in your marriage, even if you don't think so right now. Your husband has lost his direction and he has NO plan and he is definately NOT thinking straight right now.

Don't take his behaviour "personally"!!!! Don't allow him to make you feel low!!!! This is NOT true!!!
He will look for any excuse possible to put the blame onto you because he is so full of shame himself.

The first reaction of most WS'S is to get rid of all evidence and NOT to talk about the situation at all. They want this whole situation to evapurate without having to work through everything. They will lie their way through believing that this will just go away.
This is the "Discovery Fog" and therefore "nothing" at all is clear in their mind.

Have patience and give this time............lots of time.

Now that you have evidence that he indeed is/was involved in an affair, I'd say that you have great power.
Marriage Builders definately works!!!!! Read all you can and then go for it!!!!!

It is NOT in your WS hands to make demands towards you...........it is "your" decision what will happen in the future concerning your marriage. It's important that you either write down/tell him exactly what you expect from him to make your marriage work.It's better though, if you write it down otherwise they tend to forget!!! He can either go for it or leave.
-counceling
-No contact letter
-complete honesty and openness
These might be the 3 most important things to start off with and then you move over to Plan A.

hugs
bb

Thanks blondblossom
I hadn't heard of that book and will get it!
I'm staying home from work today and making a list of things he needs to do and agree to do to move back home. Any suggestions??