BB,

It's very likely at this stage, that OW has already done a pre-emptive strike at exposure to her H. I'm sure she's already spun this wild tale about how this crazy, jealouse W at bowling alley is accusing her of all sorts of thngs that just are not true. To her H, vet is some crazy person not to be believed or even listened to.
The tape says it all. It should be used to get through to thw OW's H. He will not be able to deny what he hears first hand.
If he is violent, it won't be with you, but, rather your H. that is his consequence and you should not have to worry about that. When one man messes with another masn's wife, they better learn that there are consequences. I made that pretty clear to my W's OM. He gets the picture now.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Vet,

I'm just speaking from my experience and on d-d when the afair was discovered.
My husband phoned XOW and told her that I knew about the affair and that it was over between them. OW said that she was going to tell her husband herself.

Later that day, I phoned and talked with OWH. A few days later, I met with OWH and we talked about the situation. I don't know exactly what OW had told OWH but it was enough for me to know that the affair was now out in the open.
From there on, I backed off!

I concentrated on myself.............I could of gotten myself into very ugly situations because OW was everywhere.
She felt very confident and is a very outgoing type of person. But it wouldn't of helped me to confront her anymore.

I told my husband exactly what I expected from him: NO contact with OW, complete accountability for his time and honesty. I told him that I would NOT accept a 3rd person in my marriage and if he felt that OW was the person that he needed to be happy, I would "let him go".

I gave him abit of time to think about this and he then came to me and told me that he wanted "me" and "our marriage"!

I then took the next steps. I did everything I could think of to make "me" feel good about myself. I didn't pressure my husband in any way.
I only knew that I loved this man from the bottom of my heart and I did what I could as a woman to make this clear.

During this time, I am now aware that his thoughts "reflected" between the OW and me. His mind bounced "back and forth".
He believed that OW was meant to be but when he experienced "my" love, it somehow didn't make sence to him anymore.
He was getting love, understanding, admiration and much more "from me".

OW was "whirling & twirling" out there and I just didn't get involved with what she was doing.

I knew that if my husband was going to keep on betraying me, I wouldn't of been able to prevent it. He would of done it whether I liked it or not.

Since I didn't know about Marriage Builders at that time, I reacted instinctively.

I'd even say that I put myself into the shoes of a Lover.
I thought alot about the time that we had met each other and then I reacted. I Planned A my butt off!and yet I made it clear that I wouldn't accept any OW.

I didn't care about OW and OWH and what she was saying or doing. I simply lived "MY" life. Whether OWH believed me or not............gosh, he doesn't even know me, so why would this really matter?

I found out after a few years that OW raged and freaked out many times with OWH. It annoyed her extremely that she was being ignored!!!! This was terrible for her.


After talking with my husband MANY times, I know that my "backed off and yet loving behaviour" was the best I could of done.

It was very important that MY HUSBAND knew what I wanted.............this was between MY HUSBAND AND I! I made it very clear that I wouldn't accept CONTACT WITH OW and I made the first step!!!!
NO contact is NO contact!!!!

Inform the OWH and back off!!!! It is then up to him what he does or doesn't do!

bb



OW made a fool of herself..................and this had NOTHING to do with me.

shinethrough,

I'm more than sure that OWH feels that something is NOT right!!!!
I still don't believe that VET must proove to him that what she is saying is true!!!!

The fact is, OWH will be "watching" OW and this is important!!!

I also think that OWH knows OW alot better than anyone else. If OW is capable to freak out and get physical, I'm sure that OWH knows the "Darks sides" of her and he'll be thinking and reacting differently than you might think.

OW doesn't sound like a "Soft Angle" and OWH knows this!!! I don't think that he's going to sit down and just "Swallow" what OW tells him. He's going react in someway!!!

bb

WH and I talked for a long time last night, he will do anything I want. I asked for his paystub before he left (his paystub shows the time he clocked in and out of work) then I called him and told him that it was another one of my tracking devices. It showed that on Friday (Feb. 3) he got off at 3:59 and walked in the door at 5:25. And on Sat. (Feb. 4)he got off at 11:30 and walk in the door at 2:30. If he wants to come back home then he will know that I am writing down the time he walks in and he has 30 min. to walk in that door!
He also kept 275.00 out of his paycheck for the week, he said he had borrowed money from his sister, I called her on it. Of course then she called him, I knew she would! He asked me why I did it? I told him that he was not allowed to ask questions, but just to know that everything he says and does will be checked out!

He has to sign this agreement if he wants to move back home;
1. If OW contacts you or sees (or vise versa) you then you have to let me know asap.
2. You will be 100% honest with me, if you catch yourself lying you will say stop, back up and tell me the truth.
3. You will hand over paystubs on Thursday, without my having to ask for them.
4. You will account for your time spent away from home.
5. I can check your truck anytime I want, with no arguments from you.
6. Ditto for your cell phone.
7. We will decide together how much money you need for the week, the rest goes into the bank.
8. We both go and get tested for Std's.
9. Friday night is date night, just the two of us.
10. Sunday is family day.
11. If you want to make plans to do something with your friends you will tell me the name of where your at and it's location.
10. You will show me everyday how much you love me and prove to me that you want to be a part of this family.

He knows that I am making the agreement and said that he would sign the piece of paper before I even wrote anything if I would just let him come back!
Today is Valentines Day and I'm letting him come back tonight. Don't worry, I know things will not be easy, but I can't show him how much I love him and try to get through this if he isn't here. I told him last night when he was asking if he could come home, that he could come tomorrow. That it was Valentines Day and that I thought it was the perfect day to start over. He started crying again. He has done all the right things in my eyes, he told his family, quit bowling, has had no contact with the OW, calls me 100 times a day telling me how sorry he is and that I did nothing wrong, etc...
I don't trust him and will continue to watch, but I dearly love my husband.
Happy Valentines Day everyone. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support!!!

Happy V-Day Vet!

Has he agreed to write a NC letter?

You're still exposing to OWH tomorrow, right?

are we adding counseling to that list???? we better be!

and i think he ought to go with you when you file charges against her!

Blondblossom -

I think we are all saying the same thing....she needs to expose...that's what all the advice has been so far.

No one has said go out and find OW. If anything we've suggested that she file charges against her as quickly as possible and that she carry mace when she's alone for her own protection.

I would say that having solid evidence when you expose to the OWH is good advice simply because she might have already been set up to be some crazy lady. No one could deny the info on that tape.

I guess I'm just confused by your posts.

I will also add that the story you provided above is perfect for new BSs. You told your story in such a matter of fact way that it would be hard for anyone to deny that these principles work. You followed the text book MB rules (without having been to the site...or so that's my take on the sitch). If only all BSs could have your strength...or just the courage it took to do what you did.

It's so hard not to get caught up in the BS Fog and realize that as a BS we need to focus on ourselves and not let the A become the center of our world...having to know everything and constantly thinking about what our WS is doing or thinking....we should put that energy into ourselves. Anyway, I just wanted to say that your story is inspiring and I like the way you express yourself.

Either way, I believe our efforts may be fruitless as it doesn't appear that Vettech will expose. Just my take on the situation.

Heroswife,

I must admit, I too am confused. I agree completely that exposure is very important in this situation.

VET!!!!! EXPOSE TO OWH!!!!!! DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH!!!!
with or without the tape!!!!

I think that in this situation now............
I'd have my WS write a NO CONTACT letter to OW and OWH!!!

This way, Vet would no longer appear to be a "Crazy" woman and her WS is making his first step towards being trustworthy!

I'd let my WS do the work in this situation!!!! and if he is truely serious about his marriage, he'll do it!
This would be "my" first test to see if he really means what he has said.

bb

BB -

I think your suggestion is perfect. Here are the highlights to be addressed by your H exposing to OWH by cc'n him on the NC letter:

• Removes the Vettech for the hot seat...who cares if the OW has told her H that Vettech is insane. He'll know the truth of the situation when he reads the NC letter.
• Allows Vettech's WH a chance to prove to her just how much he loves her and how far he's willing to go to prove that.
• No confrontation for Vettech means less chance she'll be the victim of violence.

So what do you say Vettech...if your H is serious about wanting to salvage your M do you think he would act on the suggestions from BB.

In my situation I do not think my H would have ever done this...he was so humiliated. I had no option other than to expose to FOWH. This man came to my H on his own...and my H did not deny an inappropriate relationship. I then sat back and remained calm while the FOW lost her entire mind in my front yard and called us all names. It's hard to deny your guilt when you are acting out in that manner.

Vettech...the day of this confrontation (same day as exposure to FOWH) is the date that I list as the start of my recovery. Being confronted by her H...even though the A had 'ended' months before was what it took.

Had I not taken this step I am certain the A would have heated back up. The fog lifted that day...before all my H would say was 'I love you and will do anything to make this work but you have got to get over it.' After that day, my H's attitude was 'WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU!'

It was like he was in shock....and couldn't believe what he did to us.

vet tech eleven:

Sadly,
it is the EXtremely Rare WS that will go and OUT themselves.
Especially to the OPS!

I'd be hesitant to make this a Firm Condition (at this Early Stage).
Yes, its possible ......but NOT likely to happen.

Unfortunately Exposure is pretty much the Burden of the BS (sad but true).

However,
as in heroswife situation,
it would Go a Long long waaay,
"if" your WH were to be contacted by OWH (once informed)
that he NOT Lie, defend OR Deny what happened.

And please don't take either of the betraying partners WORD, as to whom knows or not.
They'll lie to your face on Monday and then twice on Tuesday.
Just the way it is.

Bottom line is:
Its a safe bet to assume the OWH doesn't know.
But even if he does, it then hurts NOTHING for you to confirm this information for yourself.
However,
it will do you a world of good, as it will be one less "thing" on your mind
---- and you'll then Know you have an alley in Keeping tabs on the OW and frankly your WH as well.

Lastly,
part of this woman's Rage, is to intimidate YOU into keeping her Secret for her.
Once the cat is out of the bag, there is nothing to protect anymore .......therefore less need to focus on you (to keep the secret).
Instead her energies will then be directed at her own life, own situation and own H.

She'll have less time to concentrate on you.

[That's not to say there aren't unstable people out there ......so watch your back and go through WHATEVER channels you need to in order to protect yourself].

But if she is unstable ......then its almost even more critical that you expose, so that the Affair will end ........thereby removing this nut job from your life permanently.
Keeping the secret and helping the A is like negotiating with Terrorists ........if you cave in and do it, IT NEVER ENDS.

So yes, its tough and SCARY to take that Huge steps (with all the "what if's" and *could happens* swirling around your mind) ....but once done --- in almost all cases, the person ONLY wishes they'd done it sooner.

Just picture all of us there Holding your hand and standing by your side.
We're ALL rooting for you!

Ok, I have a friend at work who is really good with computer stuff. He has a mic that he hooks to the computer. He will run the tape with the computer mic next to the recorder and see if we can get a copy that way. He has also agreed to give a copy to the OWH at karate tonight for me. He will go to karate, ask the instructor who is ***** ******, hand him the CD, and walk away.
I pulled up her profile on classmates.com to and it says that she and her husband met at a bowling tournament. I wonder if he bowls somewhere too? If so, I would think that someone he may bowl with was there Wed. night when she attacked me.
WH and I were laying in bed watching TV last night when the phone rang. DS answered it and brought it to WH. It was Tonya (The woman who was with OW when she attacked me). She wanted to know if WH would be at Bowling Alley tonight. WH said "No, I won't be bowling, I already told you that I quit"
He told me who it was as soon as he got off the phone, I asked why was she calling you if you already told them that you wouldn't be there? He didn't know. I do though! It was a call for the OW! He spent the rest of the night holding me and telling me to please try to stop thinking about it, that he was with me and wanted only me!
YES, OWH will know tonight!!!

Vet,

have you read about Plan A???? If not, then I'd advise you to do so...............
This is a very "touchy" time and your WS is NOT trustworthy yet.................

bb

Blondblossom
Where do I find plan A?
And thanks!!

Vettech

Here's the link to Dr. H's description of plan A and plan B.

Plan A and Plan B

Also, I hope that when the CD was presented to OWH that you also provided him with your name and contact information so he can either call you to ask questions or at least have a clue who you and your H are.

If he is a bowler then he probably already has an idea (as many others have said) about the A in the first place. He might be in denial....or he might not even care. Who knows.

The phone call would have troubled me greatly. If the OW knows it's over then why is she having her friend call your house...by the way...how high school can someone be? How old is this woman anyway...she acts like she's 16!
I hope you are well this morning.

I hope you are well this morning.

Expose.

The OW is dangerous. Personally, she does imho qualify for an RO...especially if she has caused you bodily harm.

In my state, that is the law.

If you want that RO no questions asked, hire a PI. Make the man follow her. when he finds her following your family around or lurking near your home, that's all it takes. He will have all the surveillance you need for an emergency RO.

Desperate and wacked out WS and OP need intelligent answers.

I am glad your H is pulling his head outta his [censored].

Expose immediately if you have not.

AND HAVE A SAFETY DEPOSIT BOX WITH ALL YOUR INFO IN IT...GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE...FOR SAFEKEEPING. KEEP ALL OF IT IN CASE YOUR H MORPHS BACK INTO THE WS.

You should continue MB'ing but protect YOUR family at all costs!

VT- Flare prayer sent up today...Thinking of you.

heroswife,



I somehow don't agree with this...........I think that Vet should avoid all contact once she has passed the info over to OWH. It's ok to include Vets husbands name but I wouldn't put in any contact information.
It is then in OWH hands to clear this with OW.



This behaviour is not unusual...........who knows what is going on their heads. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I had the strangest calls from people I didn't know. They had the most unusual excuses just so that they could talk to my husband. At times, I felt like I was NUTS.
OW was all over the place. We stopped going to different activities for awile but we found out that OW was there all the time..........expecting to bump into my xWS.

Before the affair, she NEVER attended these kinda activities. So I can't explain what this kinda behaviour is about. OW knew for sure that we were moving on with our life and that the affair was OVER!!!!!

She was crushed and she was extremely angry because we ignored and avoided her. This almost drove her crazy not to get the attention she was looking for.

I also had "hang up calls" for years............this has just stopped in the last couple of months.

bb

Vet-tech-

Are you sending a letter with the copy of the tape to OWH? Or are you just going to let him figure it out??? I think that there should be some sort of explanation.

Is your WH going to send a NC letter to OW??? He needs to not be talking to this Tonya person either, she's just as bad as the OW.

I don't necessarily think Plan A is the way to go in this situation. I think that you two should probably figure out what went wrong to make the marriage go south, and fill out the emotional needs questionnaire. Plan A is really to break up the affair.....and for all intents and purposes it appears to be broken up, and with all the boundaries with checking out his timecard etc, she'll know if he strays from the *plan*.

You DEFINITELY have to have him write an NC letter to OW, that should be done first and foremost.

I dunno, I think you should include a letter with that copy of the tape. Tell OWH that this has been going on for X number of months, that you have cell phone records to back it up, that his wife actually attacked you in the bowling alley parking lot....he needs to know all of these things.

He's not going to think your crazy, even if his wife tells him you are, since you have the solid evidence to back up what you're saying.

I have a the feeling that this is going to BLOW UP this evening after OWH listens to the tape.....I think OW is going to go nuts.

You and your WH should plan on just staying home this evening.

You're doing the right thing by telling the OWH about this, he has a right to know what's going on in his marriage too.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

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