Thank you all so much for all the wonderful replies so far. I certainly did not mean to cause any friction...(Poo)...
I do rely heavily upon my 6th sense of things and am usually right on the money.
This all began during my pregnancy....he suddenly lost interest and just acted strange. He also went on business trips weekly and was home only on weekends and never seemed interested in me physically.
He would never call beyond 6pm while away, either.
Fast forward to now....baby is now 6 months old. While intimacy has been better...I still have seen red flags.
He never uses our personal puter...EVER...never touches it. He brings home his office puter and only uses that. When he is away...he keeps it locked so I dont have access.
One night, he left w/o turing it off and I found a bunch of porn that he forgot to erase from history.
I have seen invites to webcam parties and things like that....but I dont know how to dig further.
He keeps a cell phone, and has never bought me one on the same plan.....I dont have a cell phone and he doesnt seem concerned about me having one. And his bills are all online...no paper cell phone bills ever arrive home.
He has MANY email addys and usually will only access them when I am not in the room (I am guessing)....never the hotmail one; things like that. If he does access some, they are the benign ones.
What I need help with is learning how to do a system restore on the computer.
I cant install software (company puter) is illegal. I am basically puter illiterate and dont know what to look for. I know he erases history, but how can I bring the history back to life? Is there a way?? Recycle bin does NOT help.
I see too many red flags and I owe it to myself to live a life of truth and happiness.
When I confronted about the porn....it was the WAY he lied about it for two weeks (even after I showed him all where he visited) what got to me the most....he lied and lied to my face the whole time....it was just the WAY it was....got me really wondering what else is going on....but I cant seem to figure out how to analyze the puter properly. Can I do it myself, or is there anyplace I can take it to??
Thanks for listening....It is appreciated.
Yes, I trust my instincts....But, I do pray he is behaving like a good and faithful husband should....but so many red flags <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> and they keep me up at night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Emma

Shad,
Why don't you stop playing this head game and state your problem. I don't think you are here just for the sport of it, are you?
All Blessings,
Jerry

Emma, are you saying you cannot put a keylogger on it? I think that is your best solution. Is he a computer wiz, would he know it is on it? You could download a free trial for a couple of days to get an idea of what he is doing.

I don't know much about computers so I cannot help you further......hopefully someone else will come along with better suggestions.


My thoughts, don't ignore this. Seriously, I do not see how a person in a marriage can justify keeping a computer and NOT letting the other person see it or touch it. It is like having a room in your house that you are not allowed to enter. Makes no sense.

He is hiding it, because he is doing something he knows you would not like. Hence, he is not protecting your marriage. Instead of finding a solution that you would be happy with, he is hiding. People don't knowingly hide things that they know you would have no issues with.

Daisy

50% of women over the course of their lives have an affair, compared to 70% of men

check out some codependent recovery books

course not, i use MB myself, but only in the area's it is useful

it probably has nothing to do with ENs. actually. But working on ENs can patch it up so it will work however.

I just came across it again on the net.

50% of men who suspect that their spouses are having affairs are right. For women it's 85%.

I have no idea whether or not it's true. Makes sense to me though. Men are more prone to irrational jealousy, therefore may get it wrong more often. Women tend to be more intuitive. At least that's my opinion and experience, anyway.

Pelonious, could you find the link again? I would love to read about this. Thanks!

http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/a/infidsusp.htm

This site comes down against spying on your spouse. Unless you have something more than intuition - intuition and some corroborating evidence - I tend to agree that while you might snoop a bit, anything patently intrusive e.g. spyware and p.i.s, ought to be avoided.

Thanks Pelonious. While I do agree its wrong to spy on a spouse without reason, there is nothing wrong with using spyware, P.I,'s or whatever it takes to find out the truth. No one has the right to the privacy to carry on an affair.

If the truth is being withheld, the spouse has an obligation to do what it takes to protect himself. Without the truth, he can't help his marriage. One method of spying is not any worse or better than the next on an ethical scale because there is absolutely nothing unethical about spying. There is no difference between using spyware and snooping in the history. Snooping is snooping. One just happens to be more effective than the other.

The standard in these cases must be based on the most effective method. The most effective method is what is most likely to deliver the results that will enable the betrayed spouse to gather the facts necessary to save his marriage.

Spying on one's spouse, with good reason, is no more "unethical" than the police spying on a drug dealer. It is the same principle. The truth must be uncovered, no matter what the method, in order to protect the innocent.

Additionally, spying that does not produce evidence of wrongdoing is also beneficial in that it clears a suspected spouse of suspicion and enables the other spouse to relax and more accurately identify the real source of the problem.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You must be the BS then, not the WS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The key question is whether your intuition that the truth is being withheld is corroborated by a good reason based in objective fact.

I do think there are different levels of snooping, just as there is a difference between searching a suspect's apartment - or, even more extreme, body - and observing a suspect's movements when they are out in public. There are degrees of obtrusiveness, and in law you need reasonable and probable cause before you can use the more intrusive methods (guess what I do for a living).

I think the same considerations apply when it comes to the ethics of spying on a spouse. For example, there is a big difference in intrusiveness between getting a general sense from the history on the computer about what websites your spouse is visiting and secretly reading all of her e-mails.

There is also the issue of living with yourself - and your spouse. You have to be comfortable with what you are doing or else you may be injecting poison into a relationship that may not be as troubled as you think.

I don't think spying with good reason is injecting poison into a relationship; I would say that lies and adultery do that. Spying that produces the truth, brings in light and removes the poison. Truth is alway ruinous to adultery. ADultery is ruinous to marriages.

However, there is no difference between snooping in someone's computer history and installing spyware on one's computer. The only objective difference is the level of effectiveness. And yes, spying is intrusive, it is meant to be. All manner of spying is intrusive; that is an inherent trait and intended effect. Spying IS intruding. If it is going to be done, it should be done RIGHT or not at all. There really is no point in doing it if you aren't going to use the most effective available.

I agree that one does have to live with oneself and that conscience does come to bear here. But any guilt is to be found in failing to take every opportunity to uncover the truth, not in the adverse.

Remember, it is unethical to commit adultery; it is not unethical to CATCH someone committing adultery. On the contrary, it would be unethical to suspect infidelity and refuse to uncover it, when doing so would have saved your marriage and the disruption of your family.

So, I think it is important to be clear on what is and isn't moral: it is immoral to commit adultery, it is not immoral to CATCH someone committing adultery. Rather is it is GOOD. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair.

quite the utilitarian =)

Before my EA, I trusted both me and my H 100%. I was gullible and naive in many ways. After my EA, I don’t trust 100% anymore since I now realize and have learned that everyone are wired to have an A (Dr Harley's words)…

I trust my H will never betray me, but I am afraid that someday he might get attracted and/or get emotionally attached and/or develop inappropriate feelings towards an opposite sex friend (like I did during my friendship with OM). As a result I don’t trust opposite sex friendships my H may have 100% anymore. This is so because at the back of my mind, I always have the fear that the same might happen to my H one day - that he might unintentionally & unwittingly getting attracted and develop feelings for someone else and get tempted.

In spite of my fears in this regard (which I have shared with my H many times) my H has so far never gave me any reason to feel insecure or suspicious about his interactions with opposite sex friends... And I realize the fears I have is my own internal issues and insecurities and have nothing to do with my H.

My point is, I think it is possible that a person might get overly suspicious because of his/her internal fears & insecurities...and I think this might lead a person to sometimes have “gut instincts” which are misleading or off-base - and created by the internal fears & insecurities in stead… However, I agree in most cases (especially with woman), instincts and intuition are usually spot-on and should not be ignored.

Melodylane, there is a related concept from criminal law that is also appropriate here and that you are not considering:

The presumption of innocence.

If the figures I cite are right, then men are wrong 50% of the time.

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree about whether there are different levels of snooping. I know, for me, in something that recently came up and that I posted on these pages, that I am only comfortable going so far without clear evidence turning up to suggest that I dig deeper.

There is also a distinction between gut instincts and gut reactions. I typically trust anything that originates from instinctive thought. You can get yourself in big trouble with gut reaction though. I am a prime example.

When the A was discovered, I reacted with my gut and filed for divorce thinking I would send a "bolt of lightning" to the WW and bring her around. Well, it had the complete opposite effect and sent her further into the fog. Anyway, be careful when getting those gut feelings, they are dangerous at times.

Actually there is. Looking at history and temp doesn't require installing additional software and legally installing a keylogger depends on what state you live in. I believe there are 11 states which require all parties consent to phone tapping and I'm sure keylogging would fall under that guideline.

Also, if a person uses a laptop from work, which a lot of people do, and you install a keylogger on it...

Hey don't get me wrong I installed a keylogger on my home pc to watch my daughter's activity, needless to say she doesn't have internet access anymore. I also wanted to see if my wife made anymore contact.

I just think too many people suggest using keyloggers without looking at all the aspects of doing so, they are not hard to detect and that could make a bad situation even worse. Sure if someone doesn't know much about computers they may not find it unless they run any various spyware detectors. I know adaware and spybot can easily detect family keylogger which I would think a lot of people use because it's cheap cost.

I was comparing the ETHICAL differences, eldente. There is no ethical difference between snooping in one's history and using a keylogger. Snooping is snooping. [nor is he proposing putting it on a work laptop so there is not a legal issue]

Keyloggers are very easy to conceal even if one does have a spyware detector. Even a novice can work around spyware detectors.

Pelonious, I agree you should not snoop unless you have a legitimate reason to do so. That goes without saying.. However, the "presumption of innocence" is a legal concept, you are not in court. You don't need to "presume" innocence if you have reason to believe otherwise. That would not be a wise course. You are trying to discern an affair, not a criminal case.

If the computer is owned by the person who wants to install a keylogger, then fine. Still, it doesn't take a genius to find it. Basically you are installing a trojan when you install a keylogger.

I think keylogging will start showing up in legal discussions soon and new legislation will make it illegal. What about wiretap acts and crossing state lines by sending email? The FBI reasoned their way around that was they "enabled the keylogger to stop recording once the suspect was on the internet"

Anyways, it's all moot because I used one too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And I do see why one would want to use one. I just wonder if anyone has ever been physically hurt if the keylogger was detected by an angry abusive spouse.