2/10

I had been getting alot of emails from OW. They had progressivly gotten nastier. No threats just horrible stuff to make me feel bad. And telling me to stay away from my WH. WH found out I was getting more then than the one he saw. He wanted to see them because well he just did. I must admit I told him I could handle these on my own. But in the end I printed them out and gave them to him. Along with Truhearts wayward spouses letter.

He asked me why I did not want to show me at first and I really had no idea what to say. He admits thay sound like her. He still wants to come over and take me out tommorro. This has been one of the 3 steps foward 2 steps back day. This was step back today.
02/10/06 10:14 PM
I did show him the emails and he admits that they sound like her. But now I wonder if giving him print out was a good idea. They do show how desperate she is for him and she may stop at nothing to have him and her husband. So he still sees that she wants him.

02/10/06 10:16 PM
He is already fully aware of her desires. Have no doubt, you are the last one to know. So, don't let that worry you anymore.

02/12/06 12:44 PM

The hard thing of all this is that she is pretty much doing NC to him. So by showing that she still wants him shows that she is still waiting is giving him hope. When he spent the night last night he slept in the other room. I even see that he is even looking of moving to her state after he gets out of the military in over a year. I just hope we move away from her in June.

OW last email to me was a little calmer. Still some nasties but still not so bad. I think she had some last minute desperation or something.

Other wierd thing my WH is getting emails saying I am in danger from a mystery man. I think WH is tell him to bug off. I don't understand these side events.

I finished reading HNHN and do you think I should give WH the book? With no pressure mind you.

2/12/06 05:14 PM
Just got back from a walk w/WH. When it come to talking it is well not comfortable but nice. We don't talk in a direction to much. He is sick of his work. He hasn't done the job he was hired for in over 4 years. He will be getting out of the military he says in a little over a year. He wants me and the girls to move to our home state and wait for him. I will not go.

He says he can't think of me romanticly but only as a friend. He wants to set up an account for me so I can have my own money for me and the girls. He says he has to do that because until he feels there is a chance for us he is going to do this.

I am doing a great plan A which I am proud of. Going on 2 months of plan Aing. I just don't understand what to do next. I feel that it is all on his shoulders and he is doing nothing. FWH did any of you do this? I am not even sure I would call myself in recovery.

02/13/06 7:24 AM

Well just found out that they (WH and OW) have found a way to lie to everyone. They don't contact each other but they do leave notes online for each other to read. Then erase them. Little one liners that you really can tell who wrote them but those two are the only ones that can on the site. Love words are not being said any more but I see that my WH is not enjoying himself anymore so he says. Or that could have been MOW.

I think I might start going out more by myself or other girlfriends. I don't like being the stay at home mom all the time. Not saying I don't want to be one just I feel like I am waiting for him and I don't like that.

I would block her email and not read it.

Somehow he needs to have no contact with her. As long as there is contact, he will not fall in love with you again.

Don't agree to move out of your home.

Ok I have already delt with the emails.
My questions are about the times I see him. Should I go out of my way to call him up and go for walks like I did yesterday. I don't think he really enjoys them. But he does say yes to them. I also am not sure why he even is trying w/me if he is still thinking of her. He says he can't think of me in a romantic way. Just friends or mother of his child. I just don't know what to do now. I am in a good plan A but how long can I go on? I know he is in IC that is a good sign. He never was a person that liked going to those people.

Forward the emails to the OWH and let him in on the secret method of contacting between the wayward spouses so he, and you, can leave little messages of your own. Your husband is taking a chance of a court martial. I cannot BELIEVE he's still defying his commander and continuing a contact he knows is wrong.

As for how long you do Plan A, Dr. Harley says the average length is about 6 months. Some are shorter. Essentially, if your mental health is still good...if you are still strong, continue the Plan A. If not, you consider Plan B. Have you got Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley? It'll give you a lot of answers in this area.

You have to understand they are not emailing each other. They are doing what we are doing posting. But you have to know the long in before you can see it. So in sence they are just leaving thing to read not contacting. It is a loophole. They are not contacting each other really.

As for plan A I guess I am doing it and I am still in a good place. WH has not recived his Article 15 yet but any day now.

I am getting worried because I think he is starting to drink more.

It IS contact, mhwag. You and I...we...are in contact as you read this and I read your posts. You are learning about my thoughts on this subject, and I am being made privy to yours. It is a type of contact no different in substance from emailing, instant messaging, or text messaging. I don't care about a login and possible password. Those are just things that keep the communications secret and secrecy is one of the characteristics of a continuing affair. It doesn't change the fact that they are communicating. You need to take action to stop it and letting OWH know about it is one of the things you should do.

I am trying to get the OW H to be able to talk to me. The military geve me him a NC order for me and so all information I have I can not get it to him. I have told his command thatI need to talk to them but have yet to hear anything.

Yes I agree that that are in contact. But I will not be able to prove it is them. They leave no names.

Do you think I should log in and tell them I know what they have been doing?

He also wants to set up an allotment to my bank account so we can have his and her money. I asked him if it is a want or have to and he said until he desides if he wants to work on the M he has to do this. Your thoughts? I am stumped myself. If I do go into Plan B it will help because then I won't have to talk to him about money.

Well he gave my a very plain V-day card. I did not think I would get anything.

I have thought about it and I am going to tell my WH that if he wants to have separate bank account that is fine. He just needs to pay me every pay day. It will be to easy for him if I let it go into my account each month. That way he has to hand it over in some way. If we get separated (leagally)then I will consider an allotment. I consider it a boundery because that way he is not getting his way again.

I got an interesting email today from a mystery person. It told me that my WH and OW are still in contact and I got the login and password. Well you knew I already knew this but the email went to the OW H as well so it will get out even if I don't tell my husband. But in the end I think I will anyway.

Each day is a new day so I have been told. But what I wake up to is always the same. I look over and see my 2 DD that have not wanted to sleep in there room since WH moved out. I don't have the nerve to have the start sleeping n there rooms again either. So I don't get the sleep I really need.

WH and I were distant on V-day and I liked that because I remember last years day and it was great.

Some more question. I want to go away this weekend by myself and I have told WH I was. Did not give details because well I don't need to. I have not yet dicided where to go but I have all of Europe I can go to.

The thing is I had made plans for the DD's to stay at a friends house but WH now want to do a weekend w/them. I feel a little guilty because I know they would rather go to the friends because he really doesn't do much with them when he is home. I just don't really know what to do next?

WH and I have been in limbo. We don't talk about much just there. He does not live in the house. Today was ok. And that is just it ok. I am not sure if I can take ok days from this man. The man I had a child with. The mann I married. We are just here.

He made one comment today on our walk. He thinks he is having a small midlife crisis. If they can have them at that age.

No LB's are going on and he told me he is reading HNHN that I gave him. What did you people do if and/or when you got to this point? The not husband/wife but friend phase.

This is hard to give advice about, because I am sort of in the middle of the same thing myself. Sometimes I look at my FWH and I'm not sure how I even feel about him anymore. It's a strange flat feeling.

But we are trying to do the things together that we used to. Plan a night out. Talk about the things you used to. This website has an article about what to talk about when you run out of things to say--check that out. We are making plans for the future together--a trip this summer. What we're going to do for Thanksgiving, or Anniversary, etc. We did some home repair projects together--put some new tile in the entryway and a little painting. It feels like we are building a foundation again to do concrete, hands-on things together.

I am seeing that it will take time. Damage like this is not undone overnight. But spend the time together, and plan things that you both enjoy together. The healing will come. It is starting for me--slowing--but it's there.

God bless.

I mean I do love him still but I have been reading that I need to let them make the baby steps. He knows he is welcome home but I guess he can't see himself at home right now. We do spend a little each night w/each other but nothing to big. I just don't know if/or how long I should stay in this limbo. I have seem little progress in a month. He says I am a friend now.

mh, this sounds like a very typical case of your WH trying to work it out with his OW and keeping you dangling as a back-up plan in case it doesn't.

"Limbo" for a BS means "I'm trying to keep both people" for a WS.

Do you like being his back-up plan?
Mulan

HI MH,

First, dont agree to the seperate ANYTHING unless you want to eventually D. I'd work standard Plan A... Get specific and really dazel him in meeting the top 3 needs. ZERO LB's... 1LB wipes out 10 EN's (or something to that effect).

Meet the EN's, spend as much time with him as possible and EXPOSE them as soon as you can.

A little 180 is good, too. While being perfectly pleasant, develop your hobbies, take that trip <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, and make sure you look like a smart, attractive, independent, and fun woman. Do the hair and makeup makeovers, go out in the evenings with friends... he needs to see your life getting happier, as he sinks into MLC wallowing.

I'd definitely have the kids stay with him, if at all possible. Good luck to you!! -Dru

Yes I am going to make that trip. I even get to go clubing tommorro. YEAH! WH is coming over to watch the girls and he gets to see the sexy new outfit I bought. HEHEHE! He is not contacting her anymore but I know that she is still on his mind. He is not all the way here yet. I say that I am in limbo because I am belive I am giving his EN's all but 1 SF not because I don't want to but he doesn't want to get tested. I told him SF is one of my needs and I will if he gets tested. He has not said anything about that after that.

Where he lives is a military barracks right now so anytime he wants to see DD's he has to come over here. I don't mind. I am now pround of where I live and how the house looks.

I haven't heard of the 180 plan. What is that?

Don't they get tested for HIV in the military?

Yes, the military is making him get HIV tested but not STD tested.

Have him equest an STD test as well. The Dr. will ask why and he will have to fess up. Not a problem though as the Dr. isn't interested in bringing charges, just needs to know why.