My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have three young children. Our life is very satisfying in many ways but we drifted apart over the years emotionally and sexually.

In about November, things came to a head. For me, our crisis began with my beginning to think seriously about having an affair. I then began to suspect my wife of having an affair. Indeed, part of me eventually became utterly convinced of it, although I had no evidence, just intuition.

Without getting into details, things have improved enormously. My wife and I have talked about the problems in our relationship a great deal lately. We are now much closer for it. This includes making love more frequently and passionately than we have done for 10 years. We are both making great efforts to meet each other's other needs, too, and I think we are largely succeeding.

In some ways, as a result, I feel closer to her than ever.

So I do not want to spy on her any more than I already have. And I do not want to hurt her by accusing her of something which may not have happened - she is a wonderful wife who gives a great deal of herself to me and to our kids (even when we were lacking intimacy) and to make the suggestion, even if I do so gently and with "I feel this" language, may hurt her if my intuition truly has no connection with reality.

Also, I think I do not want to ask because if my intuition is correct I am afraid the answer will crush me and destroy our wonderful family forever.

Yet, my intuition about a past or even ongoing affair just will not go away. Right now it is fed, in part, by my wife's ongoing need for privacy and space - and I think sometimes even secrecy - and my ongoing willingness, as in the past, to leave her considerably more space and privacy than I ask for from her. It used to be that I just let her have this space and I would not worry about it. I TRUSTED her. Now, though, her being somewhat inconsistent when she tells me about her plans for the day makes me want to question her more closely about what she's doing, whereas in the past I would have ignored it. My suspicions have even led me to try to figure out what, if anything, is going on by doing a little spying - looking in her appointment book, checking her credit card statements, looking in the "history cache" of the internet browser on her computer (which she religiously deletes so it does not tell me anything).

My thinking is to just put a moratorium on bringing this up with my wife for at least one month so that we can "heal" from the intense work we have already done on rebuilding our relationship: We have had quite a few sleepless nights of discussions about our needs and disappointments and they are not easy. Maybe it is time to take a break and just enjoy the progress we have made so far.

But I am not sure I can do it because I think about it all the time and it is effecting my ability to function at work and my ability to sleep. So, folks, please help me: Should I stick with the moratorium? Or should I deal with this now, somehow, while I am feeling this way, in the interest of having a more honest relationship?

Question first.

When I was a WS - before I got involved - just like you when you considered an A...in that mind frame - we do become paranoid.

I want to know if it is possible you are paranoid of her due to your own actions?

Alot of WS's do this...I was one of them.

My H kept things private as he knew what I was doing and was protecting himself.......not having an A.

BUT if you have been able to look at it clearly....then perhaps look at putting a keylogger on the computer - that way it wont matter that she deletes - the keylogger will catch it all.

If you are well past your A (meaning you dont talk to this woman at all because you were in a EA if you were contiplating more) and you want this marriage - then gather up better proof.

You guys are working well together so far...but trust your gut. It may happen that you will find nothing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was raised with an awful lot of Catholic guilt and that may explain everything.

Enough guilt that I think I feel badly for just fantasizing - I really did not even take preliminary steps towards having an affair; nothing beyod what some people would regard as flirtation.

What's the keylogger thing BTW (without deciding whether I will do it)?

I'm with Dorry, keylogger time. Even though you say you are getting closer to your wife, this is still coming between you. I can't figure out why someone would contatntly delete the history on the computer.

Gut instinct is the first thing that kicks in an on going A.
Your W's need for privacy and space is a huge red flag. The only way to carry out an on going A is to have "privacy and space" to do so. That is because the A cannot survive without a complete veil of secrecy.
Investigating furthur on your part is not snooping, it is about revealing the truth which you have a right to.
You need to have a plan to either convict or deny what is going on. Do not trust the bablings of a potential WS. They want you to back off big time!
Keylogger on the computer; download a complete record of cell phone usage and pay particular attention to one number coming up all the time. Waywards need daily contact in some form or another.
Digital voice recorder that is voice activated are reletively cheap and can be planted in your W's car or at home.
You are investigating and trying to reveal the truth, not snooping. Do not be beguiled by the difference. You have have every right as a H to know the difference.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Unfortunately Believer,

I can!
Jerry

I have been deleting my history, too, though - in my case so she doesn't know the extent to which I have been obsessing about all of this. All kinds of other innocent explanations are possible, too, which have to do with her concerns about me rather than what she may be doing, among other things.

And what about just talking to her?

That being said and asked, please, someone, tell me more about keylogging. How do you set it up?

What is your theory shinethrough?

Hi Pelonious,

Even though the Internet browser history cache is being deleted, have you checked the "cookies and file history?"

Lady

Try checking the temporary internet files. Unless she deletes those also then run a search of all files and folders using her name and most likely you can discover any and all deleted sent emails. If not try the keylogger idea.

Why get the truth? Because if your heart has already had a piece of it ripped out then ignoring it won't make it heal. If she's done it already...you can't change it. If she intends to keep the secret, the secret will always be a wall between you two.

I agree your intuition may be compromised by your own thoughts to stray but that does not mean they are wrong. Perhaps coming clean with your own thoughts would help bring out the truth. You need to fess up as well. I suggest getting the book His Needs/Her Needs on Audio CD and listening to it together. Take opportunities to pause the CD and discuss things. There will be more than a couple opportunities for you to confess your thoughts about straying in a constructive manner and maybe she will do likewise.

I hope your intuition is wrong but I have seen it played out here time and time again. Instincts are usually right. Inspect what you expect. Dr. Harley suggests there should never be complete trust in any marital relationship cause we are all human and infidelity is a human fraility (sp?).

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Well, when people delete the history of what sites or email they have visited, it's because they don't want anyone else(ie;you) to know where they have been.
Now, does a devoted W who has nothing to hide, have a need to not be completely transparrent to you? Well, not in my opinion.
And the only reson you've asked me this, is to somehow understand why you are wrong, because your gut is telling you you are not wrong. Am I correct?
There's an old saying aroung here: people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Does this send up another red flag to you?
Do what you have to do,
I wish you All Blessings,
Jerry

Whether or not I'll do it (and I probably will), some practical advice, then:

What windows/tabs do I have to open on the computer to find the temporary internet files?

As for searching all files and folders, is there anything special I need to do to get at sent e-mails? I take it you are talking about doing the search using the search function under the start button but when I do "practice" searches on my desktop here at work using my wife's name, nothing comes up even though I regularly send her e-mails.

Finally, and again, any help you can give me about keylogging would be appreciated.


Regards,
Pelonious

Pelonious, you can buy a keylogger at www.actmon.com called Actmon. It is real easy to use and will record every keystroke and every URL. It can even email you the report. It should be installed in invisible mode and then run your usual virus/spyware scan and make sure it is not detected. If it is detected, simply add it to the ignore list on your application.

Keyloggers are something you purchase from the internet.
You then download these progarams to your hard drive and they keep track of every keystoke that was mase at your computer. they are usefull in discovering a internet or chat mail acccount that your W may have and is actively using, that you have no clue about.
the keystrokes will also reveal her password to these acccounts, which if used will reveal all.
Does that make sence?
All blessings,
Jerry

I believe possibly internet based emails do not save to the temp folder like say MSN emails do. Not sure.

The way I always get to the proper temp folder is go Start then Accessories, then System Tools, then Disk Cleanup...find the tab with temp folders and hit view. You can sort the date column by clicking on it and it will show where on the internet someone has been. Click on each file and see what you find. I was lucky enough to find emails that contained a back and forth thread.

Keyloggers. Look for threads on the subject. Many suggest getting a 30 day trial version. You want one that will record keystroks and take a screen snapshot on a timed basis. Further, sometimes you must turn off the spyware program to ensure it won't be detected.

If the cell phone or home phone bill reveals consistent calls to an unknown number than that would be enough evidence alone to back up your "intuition" and need to investigate ("snoop") further. At that point, consider a VOICE activate DIGITAL (not cassette) recorder. Hide it in the car or the place she likely talks on the cell phone.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Tools -> Internet Options -> Settings -> View Files

Lady

As far as just talking to her.

If she was or is a wayward spouse she likely will not tell you the truth. It is part of the dynamics of infidelity. If you confront her you will also likely have a more difficult time discovering it as she will double her efforts to maintain secrecy. IMHO, you are much better of trying to find the evidence first then confronting her with what you discovered (even then do not attempt to bash her over the head trying to get her to admit it - it just doesn't work).

I still hope you do not find anything. Then as you proceed through the current on-going rekindling of your marriage you can eventually discuss your lack of trust and reveal you did a little searching. If there is something to admit you may get her to do it then or someday when she feels safe enough to tell you, if there is something to tell.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

The old alter boy in me needs to ask - should I feel guilty about this? She may be completely innocent. Am I not breaching trust?

If she is innocent, then your investigation will clear her, which will be a good thing. But since you have a valid reason to be suspicous, you have an obligation to investigate and find out the truth. There is nothing to feel guilty about. It may very well save your marriage.

But just understand this, if she is having an affair, she has no right to privacy. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy another person behind their back.

Put the shoe on the other foot.

If she was concerned about your activity, and had reason to suspect something. Would it bother you if she monitored your actions to gain peace of mind?

I asked myself these same questions. When I got the information I needed, I informed my W of what I had done. Also explaining she was more than welcome to do the same.

Why should there be a reason to hide this type of information from your spouse?