How much can I trust a man who lied so many times to me? If I follow my heart I believe he has told me everything but deep inside I dont trust myself enough to believe him. How could I not have known he was having an A. When things would be bad between us I should have known or at least allowed myself to wonder.

Now I think what if it was EA as well as PA. What if he had real feelings for her. What if there were others? Sometimes I think maybe none of the past matters. I do truly feel he loves me and is truly sorry. I just cant seem to stop my mind from wandering to other things he may have done. I know I need to live in the present but the past is so scary because I am afraid it will be our future. How can I let go and trust him again and should I?

It takes a long time to trust again. And no, you shouldn't let go and trust him again. He has proven that he is NOT trustworthy.

If he continues to earn your trust and show you by his actions that he loves you, then you will be able to have confidence again. But it takes months and months.

HopingFor, believer is right, you shouldn't trust him now. Trust has to be earned and it won't be earned over night. He is going to have to work hard to regain trust, and the first step is tell you the ENTIRE truth. If there are things he is still hiding, you shouldn't trust him. I would explain to him that in order to trust him again, he has to come clean on everything.

Additionally, he needs to open his life up to you and give you passwords, etc. You should know where he is at all times.

Hang tight, it does get better if he is willing to work for it.

He swears he has told me everything and I believe him most of the time. I just feel like I was so foolish to trust him all these years why am I trusting and believing in him now? I guess I will never know the whole truth his true feelings about WHY he did this he says he doesnt even undersstand. I will never know all the details and that really really stinks! I need to know so much so I can put the wondering out of my mind. Now I am afraid that he is sugar coating it to save me from pain.

Hopingfor, we all know how you feel! It is painful and confusing to find out that reality was not what you thought because of wrongly withheld facts about your life. But that can change if your H works hard to rebuild trust.

Another thing you have probably learned from all this is that you should not blindly trust anyone. Even Dr. Harley says he does not 100% trust his wife! So, just learn from this and adopt a posture of trust, but verify. In the meantime, you shouldn't trust anything until he has earned your trust back.

Well, you need whatever details you want. Don't let him sweep everything under the rug. Also he needs to figure out why he had the affair. Otherwise, how can he keep it from happening again?

I think your feelings are totally natural. It has been two weeks for me, and I do honestly believe my H has told me EVERYTHING (sometimes I even feel I know too much), but it helps me feel that we have open lines of communication, and withholding information on his part would not be smart, so he has been completely honest with me. I have all his passwords, he holds onto the phone bills before disposing of them so I can see them. For me, my H's A was only physical, and I truly believe that, and therefore I am not so much concerned with any contact with the OW, but for now I have to be sure I can believe what he says. I think it's natural to "wonder" what if -- what if they aren't telling us the truth, and it's very difficult to believe someone when they've lied to you. It will come with time. Your H now has to work at regaining your trust, which will not be easy, and he has to be willing to be completely open going forward. You will probably be scared for a long time, but if this was a one-time thing, and your H truly wants to be with you & be honest with you, then I do believe you can come out on the other end of this stronger. I do believe that for my H & I, and I hope it's true for you, as well.

He says he is humiliated and feels dirty when he thinks about it so he choses not to. OW was married and also having an EA/PA with someone else along with the PA with my FWH. When I first asked him questions about it he really had no idea WHY it happened.
I think he was just too scared to get caught to think about it. I also think he was horrified by who OW turned out to be. She told him it was her 1st A (like him). After talking it out with me he has some idea. It just feels like even during therapy we havent really touched on the why just the it will never happen again. Thats so great to hear but if he doesnt know why he did it can he or I ever know he wont feel that need again? Shouldnt we be touch on the past in therapy? I am a first timer in therapy I dont know how much to expect from it.

I think the MORE important thing is the "Why". You have to know why it happened, or you won't ever get to the bottom of the problems. My husband cheated while he was overseas in Iraq for 15 months, after he was gone for 5 months. The first question I asked was "Why?" I've read that when someone has an A, it's normally due major issues in the marriage, and the person having the A is not getting what they need at home, whether it be physically or emotionally, and they stray. When I asked my husband why he did what he did, there really was no other answer than "Becuase you were not there with me, and I had a sexual urge that I gave in to." Yes, he wasn't getting what he needed from me, because I was in the states and he was in Iraq. Do I think it would've ever happened had he been home? No, there was no reason for it, we have a good marriage. So, my point is that the most important question to answer is Why did it happen, and how do you fix the issues so that it doesn't happen in the future. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Good luck.

The why for us was the stress in our every day life. The A happened when our twins were 2 months old and after probably a year and a half of little to no sex because of the difficulty of the pregnancy and a misscarriage right before.
When this all came to light he had no idea why he did it. It makes me sad that our M was not strong enough for him to say no. It also makes me sad to think that I can never trust him. Before this happened I would have sworn that had I thrown him in a room full of Victorias Secret models he would have walked away. The truth is he slept with the first woman who came after him. I do believe it was just bad timing for me. He wanted attention that I couldnt give him and she provided that.I know he was weak from lack of attention. I know he is only human and humans make mistakes. Its just stinks!
I guess I have to chose to believe he is telling the whole truth otherwise I will probably drive myself crazy!

Hopingfor,

I'm sorry you have to be here.I am only a little over a year in knowing of my H A.At first it was only a kiss a few month later it was they tried to have sex but he could'nt go thru with it.Finally after five months it came out they had sex five times.She was a co-W.It took her H making her call to find this part out.

My H too was under alot of stress,worked long hours went to school full time at night.So at work this OW gave him all this attention.Told him things to bvoost his eagle.Also told him time and time again she wanted to sleep with him.

At the same time she was telling him her H beat her he cheated on her and all this stuff to get his attention.Come to find out she lied.

It was the same here.My H did'nt get much attention because he was'nt home.Or he was at school.All the attention came from her or CO-Workers.He was also weak at the time.He let his gaurd down.Like you said they are human and made a real bad mistake.One which i can say my H will not make again.It took a toll on him.

I know what you mean about the whole truth.Till this day i will never know if i have all the facts.He lied to cover his butt but also to spare me the pain.I had a hard time when i thought it was just a kiss.We both went thru ******.

I can't say it gets easy.For everyday i go forward i always go back a few steps.

From what i have seen in my H and everything he has changed in his life and in our life.I believe one day i could trust again.It might not be full trust but it will be something.I do believe people can change.

If i can help let me know.
#1mom

It took a toll on my H too! I have definately seen a huge relief in the way he lives his life he is so free of his guilt. He says the only thing now that is not perfect for him is watching me suffer.

Boy do I understand the ups and downs of this. Yesterday I cried all day and today everything is kind of ok. Tomorrow who knows. I do know I hate being sad/mad. Its taking its toll on me and my life. I feel like I ignore my kids and my friends barely remember me like I fell off the face of the earth. I just want to be alone or have my H hold me all day. I cant get back to me.

You need to work on the year and a half of little or no sex. But be sure he is tested for STDs.

He swears he wore a condomn EVERY time. Plus its been 4 years since he last slept with her so I think I am safe right?

By the way the little or no sex thing was realy not a result of not being in love or into each other. We were
B-U-S-Y! In the beginning of the year and a half I was pregnant and nauseaus with a 2 and a 5 year old and very tired. Then I miscarried and was miserable for 2 months crying every day till I got pregnant again and was sick again and then a few months into the pregnancy I started to bleed after intercouse and the dr. said "no more sex".

The drs. say 6 weeks after childbirth is ok to go back to bed with H and I know we didnt wait that long. 10 weeks after childbirth he was with OW.

Thats not to say I did nothing wrong. I put the kids first. He took care of me and the kids while I was on bed rest and I put him last after them and my physical recovery. I thought he was strong like me able to put his needs last like I could until we were out of this difficult and trying time at home. I misjudged his strength and his need for love. Its hard for me to forgive myself let alone him.

Okay, I didn't realize this was over 4 years ago. So you didn't find out until this December?

Just reading about your hurt and confusion feels like you're describing EXACTLY how I feel. I totally understand your dilemma, I am on that same boat. One minute you feel like there is a possibiity they are being truthful that they are being honest that the affair is TOTALLY OVER, and the next you feel like they've lied so much what makes you think they aren't lying now! Gosh I pray this pain and confusion to be over soon!!!

Wish you the best!

Yes I found out 4 years after the A started. After my H found out she was not a respectable person...of course I dont know what he thought she was being that she knew he had 4 kids and his wife just had twins 2 months earlier...he freaked out. He was really invoved in a big mess. Her boyfriend (not her husband)called my husband and also was calling here and hanging up and sent me an envelope with an empty sheet of paper in it to scare my H. OW husband had already caught her with the boyfriend. UGH...gross! Anyway he was really disgusted by all this and really felt duped by her.

He had already broken it off 2 months earlier when her boyfriend called and my H called her and they really began an adversarial relationship. Her H ended up making her leave w/o her kids and her boyfriend dumped her. She felt my H was partly to blame. My H felt like she took something from him...his innocence,goodness I dont know. But since 2002 whenever he has run into her he has been either mean or antagonistic with her. Although in 2004 he said they began emailing each other again. They had run into each other at a work thing. He says he was doing it to let her know he was happy and had survived the A. I have seen some of these emails and none of them are mean they are all freindly. He says all he can say about that is that he was never honest with her after 2002. He always had an agenda of triumphing over her.

This summer he mass emailed something from work and she was unknowingly on his distribution list. She emailed him back and he emailed her some nasty comments and she called him and told him if he ever contacted her again she would tell me.

Two weeks before dday he emailed her a happy holiday email. He says it was to jab at her because she is so unhappy in her life alone and he was always trying to prove to her that he ended up on top in the situation. The email was just that Happy Holidays he said it was meant to be antagonistic and obviously she took it that way. Soooooo....I got a letter saying "you should keep close eye on your H when he travels" and he copnfessed to everything.

The main thing that makes me believe he is telling me the truth about everything is that he is so relieved of guilt our lives changed automatically. I feel like I got the man I married back. Scarred but smarter. A lot of it as I write it makes no sense to me. If he always loved me HOW could he do this??? Why did he keep in contact with her if he hated her??? I doubt so many things in my life now. I have no peace.

It sounds to me like he is being truthful. Especially the part of feeling relieved of guilt. That is very common here.

As for the occasional contact, I think I can understand that, since the affair ended so angrily.

Of course you are upset, because D-day is so recent.

You have a HUGE PROBLEM unless your H stops this contact and commits to no contact. One of the reasons you do not trust him is because everytime he contacted her put you and him back to DAY ONE of recovery. His continued and incessant breach of trust has DESTROYED your trust. BADLY.

I don't care what his excuse was for contacting her, your marriage can only survive if complete and total no contact takes place. Those contacts after D-Day are what is ruining your recovery and your ability to trust. You are right to be very leery of him with this YEARS LONG pattern of deceit and misttrust.

I hope you are watching him like a HAWK. Do you have spyware on his laptop? Do you have any way to watch him when he travels?