Hey MamaFish-
Sorry to hear about your rollercoaster today. I was just thinking about whether or not I am spending too much time here or if I would be thinking about it anyway. Probably the later.

Can I ask you how you found out and why he broke it off with her? Just curious and completley understand if you dont want to talk about it. I just wonder about what other went through. Dr.Phil had a show yesterday about infidelity. He said 67% of Ms stay together after an A and 50% cheat again. I thought those were pretty good odds considering. I dont think my H will do it again. Whats hard for me is that I dont remember him then. I am so far behind in this game I dont know if I would recognize a sign from him. He really hates himself for it. I just dont remember what we were like then. I knowthings were crazy with the kids but I dont remember US. So much has gone by. It seems so unfair to me. OW is D so her H doesnt care. My H hardly rembers details. Hs old computer held all the emails etc. from her. Just something I have to live with I guess.

Have you ever been tempted by another man? I just dont get it. I have never felt like that. I feel like I am so out of it. I dont have any contact with men b/c I dont work. Does this stuff happen in an office? H says we dont know how many of our friends have been effected by this in theri M. I want my H to get another job b/c he has flirted with this 20 year old assistant in his office but he is high up and would probably not get as good of a job. Even then I would be sending him somewhere else to antother office with probably more women.

I am having trouble on this site today so I will go backa nd read your last post again and write later!

Hi Hoping,

There was another post on the Dr. Phil show from yesterday in Recovery...I wish I had seen it...

I think some days I do spend too much time on this site, depending on my workload...It is easy to get caught up in all the sad stories (they are all sad, but some are sadder than others), and I try to read the ones that are more motivating/hopeful, and from BSs who stayed with their WS. I missed not having easy access to this last week when I was off, but it was tough when I had feelings to just keep them in. At least here I feel like I am not alone in my feelings.

How did I find out? Well, to make a long story short, as I said my H said there was trouble at work, but wouldn't say what it was about. Well, on DDay, he picked me and the kids up from work, and on the way home, he said, "I have to go to the police station up near work. They want me to come in to talk to them about an incident at work." He wouldn't specify anything and said he'd be home later. So, I get the kids dinner, normal night you know, and he calls me at 8 and says that he has been having an affair with a coworker since January and she had made a complaint of sexual assault on him, claiming that the sex they had on 9/12 was not consensual....

BAM. That was it!!

He only told me because there was no way to avoid it. On this particular night in question we had a meeting at DS's school, and after that, he left to go watch Mon Night Football with some coworkers (I thought). He actually had had sex with OW before the meeting, and went back to try to break it off with her. He says that after the baby was born, he was trying to break it off but never could. She got mad at him that night and told him that she would make him pay for this.

I don't know if he really was telling her goodbye for good, and she got mad and did it out of revenge. She is unstable emotionally and he says she has to be the center of attention, so this is why she did it. She had fallen in love with him and wanted him to leave me and the kids for her, something he was never going to do. I wonder if the A would have continued if she didn't do this...After this date, the HR dept had an investigation and didn't do anything except tell them to not contact each other and they didn't. Then he got another job so no longer works there. So I know there was NC and he absolutely hates her now...this is partly why he hates to think how he could have risked everything for this woman.

I don't think my H would do this again. I think now he knows that he should have talked to me when he was tempted. See she had been flirting with him really bad since the summer before in 2004. He sees now that I truly loved him and he made the biggest mistake of his life...I just feel like he should be more appreciative of me sticking by him after all of this.

I know what you mean about forgetting how you and your H were when he had his A. My H's A was more recent but I couldn't even remember alot at first. I don't think I would be able to remember from 4 yrs ago. we also got wrapped up with the kids and lost sight of each other.

I think you need to tell your H to stop flirting with that girl in the office. When you get into the MB stuff, there is a whole section about boundaries. This is how it started with my H. This girl (she was 25) was blatant in telling him that she would have sex with him, no strings attached, for months before they did it. He and I had a bad argument and when he got off work the next day, she said when are you going to come home w/ me? and he said, how about now? and they went to her apt and had sex...That was all it took...makes me sick to think about...

I haven't been tempted to have sex with anyone else besides my H. I may think someone is attractive, but would not consider it...He was always saying to me, if you are attracted to someone, just tell me...he always made it seem like I was the one who would cheat.. I'd say the same thing you did, I don't meet anyone...I go from work to home and that's it. Especially when I was pregnant, who was even looking at me? No one!!! not even him!

I guess this does go on in offices but there are alot of sexual harassment issues in the workplace now. I would imagine it still goes on, and if there are business trips it's even more likely.

Your H is going to have to set up boundaries to protect your marriage, just like mine is. He was always a flirt, and I didn't think anything of it. I never dreamed that the flirting was at this level...he is from the South, so he does talk smoothly to women and compliment them.

Holy &^%$!!!! Thats quite the story. It definately sounds like he was breakingit off and she was seeking revenge. Honestly who so these guys think they are getting involved with?? These 2 OW were predators looking for an easy kill. Hs who had pregnant wives who were neglected and having little sex. Boy its hard not to hate my Hs OW. Just sick. I cant believe I am involved in something so gross as I am sure you cant either. I take it nothing ever came fromher complaint? Thats terrible. My H broke it off with OW and 2 months later got the phone call from her other OM (not her H). I told my H thats a little fishy. I am sure she was looking for attention too.

Ya I taped DrPhil and watched the rest this am. It was good. There was a guy on there who really loved his wife and started and just couldnt stop. Similar I thought. She had just found out 2 weeks ago and she was so together. They had 2 kids and he brought home a VD or thought he did anyway. She didnt even cry!! I am such a blubbering mess 2.5 months later. Doyou still cry all the time. I do have days when I am ok but not many. I still have so much grief.

I do love MB. I spend way too much time here since I have no spare time anyway but it really helps to know what I feel is normal.

I know what you feel about him being more appreciative. I keep saying "I want you to appreciate the years of pain this caused and the years of recovery to come". I am afraid if I stop thinking about it it will be forgotten. I keep thinking if everything gets back to normal he will not appreciate what I gave up for this...my sense of who I was...cherished wife, important person, strong nto take any BS person. He keeps saying no way he will never forget and that if I really knew how much he loved me I wouldnt cry anymore or doubt him but he will wait and prove it. Very sweet but all the words and action are never enough for me to forget it or even put it down for very long. He told me this morning she never had his heart not even one little part of it. I know it should be enough for me to move on from it hopefully someday it will be.

My H said he was flirting with this girl I found a very inappropriate email to her from him something like look to your left and smile it just made my day. Any an e card from her I couldnt open. He said it was inappropriat and that he never would have done anything but it made him feel good that she looked up to him. He said she said to him "if I slept with you you would always want a girlfriend in addition to your W" (her dad was a serial cheater I guess). He said he will not flirt with her anymore and that it was really nothing. He said I could confront her but I dont want to make a fool of myself. I check his email all the time and it doesnt seem like they are flirting anymore. My H is a big flirt too. This same girl said to me 2 years ago "hes so funny he thinks I like him and I have a boyfiend 15 years younger". He is always goofing around with people. I dont want him to change who he is but the flirting is non negotiable.

Well I am off to MC. Should be fun. So much work this whole recovery thing! No snow yet I thought we were starting at noon ( I am in MA) saw CT is getting more. Maybe a snow day?

Hey Hope,

Alot of CT had no school today but my DS just had an early dismissal. it's coming down really hard right now.

Glad you are going to MC. I want to start again when we get our insurance issues cleared up. Did you do the EN questionnaires?

Flirting is more dangerous than I ever imagined. I also don't want to change who my H is, but you're right, that is not negotiable. They took it too far once...they cannot even go there again... I could never say what this OW said to my H to any man. Don't these girls have ANY morals?? If you are checking his email and they aren't still flirting, I guess he did stop. As long as he knows your boundary on that issue.

I don't cry every day...it kind of hits me in waves...the week before last was very bad, but I've been pretty good this week...I think my break from work helped. Sometimes it hits me in the shower and I break down and let it all out.

My H also said he never loved her at all and knew he could never have any type of R with her...She would not even look at pics of his kids (which he showed to everyone) because she said she would never meet them...so she basically wanted him to give up his kids for her too. One thing about my H is that he loves his kids, so that would never happen, even if he and I were not together.

I wish I saw the Dr Phil show. I spend too much time here too but it helps. I can't really vent to my H. He gets too upset. It makes him very depressed and guilty to see me in such pain...then he withdraws...I've told him that I just need to comfort me when I am like that, but he finds it very hard to do.

Good luck in MC...check back tomorrow and let me know how it went?

hey MamaFish
MC went ok yesterday. I dont really know waht to expect from it. The guy we go to makes a lot of sense but he goes off on tangents about his life and H and I figure we are talking about us half the time. We need to keep the guy focused!!

We talked about my anger which creeps out quite often lately. I am tryingnot to LB and therapist said the same thing not to go off on him b/c it makes him feel really bad. Honestly I kind of feel like why cant I yell at him? Therapist said well think of your children when they do something wrong you neeed to teach them not scold them foreever. I am thinking at 25 years old a fully grown man made a promise and took vows on an alter with me in front of everyone we know and God and at 35 he made anther adult decision to take his pants off and break almost every one of those vows. Why cant I be rip roaring mad???

H was very calm. He always walks me out and holds me and we talk all the way home about progress and how ashamed he feels. He left today for a guys weekend and left me a beautiful note in my car about how much he loves me and our life etc. Very sweet. And in a huge momentus occasion I noticed he took the MB stuff I printed out for him to read on the plane!!!!!!!

Talked about OW in MC too. How I need to let go of her. Therapist said she will become like a baloon getting blown up between us that we cant pop if I keep focusing on her. I cant help hating her for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

glad to hear you dont cry every day. I am getting there. I said to H yesterday I was just thinking of the early days when I couldnt sleep or eat or focus on anything. Its getting better. Eventually I will need to accept this as part of who we are or were I guess. I am just not ready to do that.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. How was your night?

Hi Hoping,

I'm glad that MC went well, and I"m really proud of your H for taking MB stuff to read on the plane...that is wonderful!

Just a note on our MC sessions, only 3, but I also felt that we did not focus on the A. Alot of time was spent on our history of our M and only started to get to talk about the A. Our MC told me that he didn't think I needed to know details in order to move forward. I didn't agree with him. I really need to have my qts answered so that I can move on. He also thought it was best for us to not get into any big discussions outside of MC because he didn't want it to blow up into a big argument about stuff that was not relevant.

At least you are going, so that is good. It helped us to communicate better. I want to go back. H feels more open than I am because he has gone to alot of counselors and is in IC. I'm not sure what to say sometimes but it helped me to get a few things off my chest.

I think you have a right to be mad also. I do too. My H also retreats when I am angry. Our MC said that I hold my anger in which is not good, but didn't suggest how to get it out so I can't really help there.

Right after DDay I was in a daze and also couldn't eat or focus on anything. I would come into work and just do my work like a robot and not talk to anyone. Everyone would say I was so quiet...no one knew why...I have lost all the baby weight since DDay...about 35 lbs. The first 20 lbs was in the first month. If I didn't have that baby weight, I would probably be in trouble...Now, I'm the same weight as I was pre-Baby, so that is okay, but I don't want to lose anymore.

I think that you will let go of OW at your own pace. It takes time. I'm not there yet, but it's getting easier, the more that I know about her, the more I realize that he would not leave me for her. And you already know that about your H because this happened so long ago and he ended it way back then/

My night was good. I am reading a thread on recovery about what the BS needs to do to get the WS to aid in recovery. Check it out if you have a chance. It seems all of us BSs want the WS to do more...

Have a good day...I'm looking forward to doing more MB stuff this weekend!

Hi MF
How was your weekend? Mine was pretty bad. H has been traveling and I hate it. His A was on the road only so it brings back memories but also I just freak when he is not here to reassure me. I feel like he is having more fun than I can give him. Nice restaurants on his expense account, fancy hotels...here its cleaning up puke (yup...have a sick kid this weekend too) and laundry. I feel like such a boring loser. Ugh...I am so sad today.

My oldest even asked me what was wrong with me today. I almost hugged him and started crying. Part of the traveling thing is that I have always kind of felt bad for myself that I am stuck dragging 4 kids to a 7am soccer game while he sleeps off the buzz he put on at Wolfgang Pucks newest restaurant or something. My life is not nearly as glamourous as his but at least I always thought he would rather be here with us. He says he always did but when he is gone I wonder is this what he really always wanted? I knowits stupid b/c he was always here and he says it was just a diversion nothing serious..blah blah. Its just so much easier to believe it when he is here.

I posted about MC yesterday but it got buried...slow day. I have never been in therapy as I said maybe I am just expecting too much. Funny though I think our Mc are very different. Mine said as long as I am prepared for the answers he needs to give me anything I want just need to stop when he starts getting frustrated. We did not focus on the history of the M at all just current issues. He also said that the work we do with him is important but not as important as the talking we do at home. He also told me I need to hold my anger in more haha I guess I am not being shy about that part of my healing. Weird that they are so different. I guess its all individual so a differnt person will have differnt answers and advice.

Well I am looking forward to him coming home so I can give him an MB quiz haha see if he read anything! Hope you had a better weekend than me!
HF

Hi Hope,
I'm sorry that you had a bad weekend. I know how you feel though, not that my H traveled, but he worked thurs= sun graveshift hours so when he was home during the day, he was sleeping, and I got to do all that fun stuff you mentioned--laundry, taking kids out, etc. Plus trying to keep them quiet so he could sleep. Not fun...Maybe what you could do is tell your H how much you miss him when he is gone, and that you would like to go out with him the next weekend for dinner or whatever, so that you will have something to look forward to to get you through that time alone. Does he know that you don't like him to travel? Mine knew that I didn't like it, but there wasn't much he could do about it.

I also get it when you say you question if being with the family is what he really wants, when he is not there. I'm dealing with that also. I think that part of me wants him to be home with me all the time, which isn't realistic. I have asked him many many times and he always reassures me and tells me that home is where he wants to be, and he was terrified of losing his family, and afraid I would leave him when I found out.


Gosh, our MCs sure are coming from different directions. In our first session, ours asked why we were here so I told him. Then we spent alot of time talking about how we met, when did things change, etc...I thought it was too much on the far past, but I guess the point was trying to get us to remember what brought us together. Like I said, he didn't think me knowing details would help me, and at the time, it was so new that I wasn't confident enough to say to him, yes it would. The last session we had, we brought up one issue that would happen pre-A and had happened, where my H got mad and left to go out to the store, and didn't come back for 2 hrs. He left me with the kids to get dinner, etc. and all that...I brought it up in MC and I knew he wasn't with another woman, but I was mad that he just left. So the MC gave us homework to figure out what we could do so my H wouldn't withdraw like this. I said, if I know he is going out for an hour to cool off, that is fine. but it's not knowing when he is coming home that bothers me.

That was the last session we had, and I left feeling like, THIS is the homework you give us...to figure this out?? I feel like I don't have the option of leaving to get some breathing room....with all the problems of the A, and everything else going on, I just felt like this was such a small thing to work on. So we haven't gone back. Maybe we didn't give it enough time. He is definitely pro=-M and said that he is the advocate for the M, but I think he wants me to move forward and not talk about the A, which is what my H wants to of course. And he said that we should try not to get into any major discussions on hot topics without a buffer (him) to keep the focus on the current issue.

Oh well, I hope your week is going better now. When will your H be home?

Hi MF
Ugh! Another bad day today. I just found out he is at this conference and his asst is with him the one he flirted with. I also found he was looking up things to do in the city they are in. He said he was just clicking around and that she is just a kid he would never could never blah blah blah. The truth is I have to trust him. Even if I call him all night I would never know if anything happened. She knows he is married so lets just say hes with her its not like she would jump on the phone or anything. I dont really think he would do anything but I never thought he would do half of the stuff he has admitted to. I am so disgusted by all this!

Heres the thing I was thinking today. I totally love him but does he love me or the idea of me? or how I make him feel? Honestly if he died I dont think I would ever remarry but I really think he would be in the dating scene within months. Maybe I am not giving him enough credit but I dont think he would be alone for long. Can you really love and cherish someone and take a risk like that or even WANT that?

As far as MC goes mine also told me to read "Bridges of Madison County" which I thought was weird b/c its about a woman who cheats on her husband and falls in love? My H wasnt in love. I kind of think hes nuts. No bites on that post thanks for bumping it up though. We have been going once a week since Jan so I dont know I would like to try someone else but H says no. We are in a major battle right now so much drama its exhausting! Hes not back till Wed and its so hard when hes gone like I dont know his intentions.

On another note I just learned close friends of ours split up. Its so weird how you really dont know anything about what goes on behind closed doors. i never would have suspected it from them. H said "see I told you" no one is perfect I still hate that we are not who I thought we were but hopefully we will get better and he swears be better for it.

Thanks for letting me vent. Hope you are having a good day!

Hey Hope,

Sorry to hear you are having a bad day...Im really really sorry that the assistant is with him on his trip...I definitely think that is an issue that you should bring up in MC...He needs to set a boundary there, and also, why didn't he tell you she was going? But, I understand your dilemma now...you will not really know for sure, like you say...I think that the best thing you can do is act normal on the phone with him now. Like you said, she knows he is married, and all you can do now is trust him. Even if something happens, he would not tell you on the phone anyway. Trust, but verify, when he returns. I would try to prepare what you want to say to him about how this all makes you feel and see what he says. I'm sorry that you are in this position, I really truly feel for you right now.

As for remarriage, I don't know if I would or not. When I first found out, I said, I'm done with any man. I just had no interest in hurting again or starting over with someone else. Of course, I don't think I would really be able to live the rest of my life as a recluse...I don't know what my H would do if I died. He would probably remarry, how soon, I don't know. I have felt like my H only stayed for the kids. that he wasn't leaving us for her, but mostly because of them, not me...He always says he didn't want to live on the other side of town from his kids....In your case, your H has proven his love and commitment to you for 4 years after the A...

I don't get the reading of Bridges of Madison County AT ALL!! Maybe he is trying to get you to be sympathetic...I don't know...I loved the movie , cried my eyes out, but that was years ago...Now, I am real sensitive to infidelity in movies/tv....

As for MC, oh well, I thought there would be more comments...why doesn't your H want to find someone else? Does he feel that you are making progress? Ask your MC what the plan for recovery is? I read a post that said the Harleys make a recovery plan with you...I would love to call them but can't afford it...I think that would help us to have a plan in place.

I know what you mean about other couples. One of my coworkers and his wife split up...we all suspect she found someone else but he hasn't said...they have 2 kids, he's 33 and she's 28, and was out until 3 am with friends alot of times. He was the one at home w/ the kids...

Feel free to vent to me anytime...That 's the best part of this site, even if no one is around...get your feelings out here...

Have a good night. Try to do something fun for the kids to get your mind off of it...Watch a movie or have something special for dinner or dessert. When My H was working weekends, I would pick the kids up at daycare and take them out on Fri nights, partly so I would have something to look forward to.

You can do this. You can make it through till he gets home...I'll be praying for you...you can do it!!

Hi Hopingfor,

How are you today?? Just checking in to see how you are doing...I was thinking of you last night and hope you had a good night.

I'll check in later to see how you are...

Hey MF
I posted this morning but was in a rush so I guess I didnt enter it..oops! Well its going ok this morning but its really a battle when he travels! He did not tell me about his asst. going but thats typical of him to not think I think its a big deal. Which in my heart I dont but I still dont trust him enough to be comfortable. I was so focused before on the actual A that I didnt have time to worry about the "innapropriate flirting" he was doing. Now that the dust has settled I am freaking about that too. She brought her mom with her for a vacation too so the 3 of them had dinner last night.

He was really upset with me last night. He says he just has a brother/sister realtionship with her. He says I have nothing to worry about and for the 1st time in a long time he can look himself in the mirror. He freaked when I started talking about how long it would take him to move on if something happened to me or we split up. He said I will never look at him the same b/c of this mistake. That I think too little of him and our M. He says a lot of hurtful negative things when he is upset all the "nevers" keep being brought up.

I know I am being too hard on him sometimes. I am just so hurt by all this. I found this in my desk draw yesterday. He wrote it shortly after dday. The 1st part the poem is from the internet.

A kiss is just a kiss
till you find the one you love
a hug is just a hug
till its with the one you are thinking of
a dream is just a dream
till you make it come true
love is just a word
till its proven to you

xxx
I am so sorry you are continuing to hurt. You deserve so much better than having to deal with this in your head every day. You are an angel and I am so sorry for bringing you to a level that is so much beneath you.
Please remember that I married you and I will always,always love you. And know that it "is just a word" like the poem says. However, I plan on proving it to you every day, to the best of my ability.
You are the greatest person I have ever known. I am ashamed of myself for hurting you; however I am so excited for where we have come, and where I know we will continue to go
I will love you the rest of our lives
xxx

He can be so sweet. Maybe I just need to back off. I hate thinking of him having fun while I feel bad but maybe I should just try harder to put it all out of my mind and enjoy the day.

I noticed someone else posted about MC I didnt read it yet. Isnt that funny about the bridges book. This guy makes a lot of sense sometimes but sometimes hes really off! Sometimes I think I am so caught up in getting my feelings out that I dont hear what the guy is saying too. I read what DrHarley said a while ago I have to go back. MC guy keeps saying time time time so maybe his plan is just to get us to the next week without killing each other.

I know what you are saying about sensitivity for the issue. Did you ever realize how much TV/movies etc invole infidelity? Its crazy. I have been dying to see "walk the line" but from another post it doesnt look like a good idea. Hopefully it wont always cut so deep when you see something like that!

How have you been doing? My H is home tomorrow and we will have a good part of the day together so thats good. Thanks for your words of encouragement!

Hi hopingfor,

I'm glad that you are doing better today... It is understandable that you have been focused on the actual A, that you have not been concerned about the flirting with the assistant...Now, please don't be offended but you really need to set your boundaries with your H over this issue. You are right to not trust him. You are also right to be concerned about this, and you are right to tell him that it is not acceptable for him to flirt with her. You are also right to be upset that he did not tell you she was going on the trip...This is a red flag that I want you to be aware of...I know that he has told you the flirting has stopped, and that they have a brother/sister relationship...I don't really understand that. Have they worked together very long? Are there others from the office on the trip? She brought her mother along--that is good, as no mother I know would approve of her daughter going out with a married man. Do you know the assistant? Where did they go ? What is the reason that she also went on the trip? I have gone on business trips before but if she is just his assistant, I don't understand why she would be going. Are you sure that the mother is also there?

I would be very very careful here. He has gotten defensive and angry when you mentioned your concern...Why? He should understand that his actions need to be transparent and the only way that you will heal is to know that he truly loves only you, and time will tell. He does need to prove his love by his actions as the poem says, and one way to do that is to be completely honest with you...he can't just not tell you something (like asst is going on trip) because he doesn't think it's a big deal (when he knows you will think it is a big deal)...I would tread carefully here, but definitely bring it up in MC. Maybe the MC can help him to understand your feelings on the issue...

Please believe me when I tell you that I don't really know if anything is going on with her or not, but the potential is there...I'm not saying that he will cheat again, but given what you already know about their relationship, he needs to protect your M by setting boundaries with her. You were too trusting before...do not make that mistake again...do not accept promises/denials without verification and honesty.

You are not wrong in feeling the way you feel...does he ever take you with him on trips? Could he? You may feel that you are being hard on him sometimes, but it is a natural reaction. You are not going to be able to sweep this under the rug and move on without discussing the issues. I'm sorry if I'm bouncing around on the subject. I think the poem and letter was really sweet and he is telling you how much he loves you. My H says that he is glad that the A happened because we now can move forward to make the M better. Work on that with him==tell him that if he is really committed, he needs to help you to recover, and part of that is setting the boundaries with the asst.

in my eyes, you have two issues for MC--

1. The A that happened 4 yrs ago--why did it happen, etc.
2. Inappropriate flirting w/ asst--needs to take steps to ensure that another A does not occur here.

I didn't see any responses to the post on MC. I hope someone responds to it. You would think there would be alot of posts on that subject. I didn't even know there was infidelity in walk the line until I read that post...and then he wrote that for his first wife, to top it off...

I hope you will take my words to heart. I hope that I am overreacting, but better to overreact than to sit back and trust blindly. I know from my own experience that I made alot of mistakes out of blind trust and faith in my H... You need to protect yourself and to know that your H will protect the M...that is your priority now...consider the asst a threat until you know for sure that she is not.

Oh, and YOU are not thinking too little of him and your M...you are thinking only of your M, and he needs to make it a priority too...Even if he thinks it is no big deal, if it is a big deal to YOU, he needs to reassure you.

sorry if this comes off as a lecture. I'd hate to see anything come of it.. Talk about it tomorrow and bring it up in MC...

Take care!

Cant really chat now but I did tell him that its non negotioble his flirting with her and he has told me I could confront her on the issue if I wantd to but honestly dont knwowhat to say. Yesterday he was like I will get her right now if it will make you feel better. Also next week another trip with her he wants me to go with him b/c he knows I will be crazy here but I have no one to watch the kids.

Will write more later but let me know what you think about me confronting her. I could just say I found these emails but I dont know what to say after that.

Hey hopingfor,

I'm at a loss myself as to what to say next...If you have time, maybe you could post that as a question...I'm sure you will get some good responses. I think I saw a thread about that...how to confront the OW...You could print out the emails and tell her that you found them, or show them to her and ask her about that.. She may be shocked and embarassed and that may be enough to get her to lay off.

I will look up that thread on workplace infidelity...

As for him putting her on the phone, I think that is a bluff. He KNOWS you don't know what to say. Same with my H...I asked him whose cell number was it on the bill and he said it was his friend's,"call it and make sure if you don't believe me"...point is, I never called because I didn't know what to say. I wish I had...When I mentioned it to him a while ago, he says he wishes I had called too..Maybe it would have ended alot sooner than it did.

I think it is a good idea for you to talk to her about it...it is inappropriate for her to do this. I"m SURE that the company has some type of sexual harassment policy and this kind of thing is NOT allowed. Could you find out about that aspect of it? There could be disciplinary action involved...

As for the trip next week, did you try to find someone to watch the kids? If you could get someone to do it, or have the older ones stay w/friends and have someone watch the youngr ones, that would be a good idea. You could then be there and observe their interactions...You would get a good idea from that...and obviously you wouldn't be home by yourself...

Again, I would like to know why she is going...what is the nature of the business he is in? Is it sales? Calling on customers?

Hopingfor,
I found the thread on Workplace infidelity and just bumped it up for you...Read it, print it out, and have your H read it tomorrow. He needs to set these boundaries...

You could also ask the question of how to confront the assistant...I bet you would get some good pointers on how to do that...

Oh, I meant to add, when you talk to him tonight, don't get into another discussion like last night..You don't want to give him any bad feelings about you and your feelings...Just keep it light...update on what you did that day, ask how his day was....you know what I mean...

Have a good night. I'll be in touch tomorrow morning...

Hey MamaFish
I dont have much to report as H flew last night and just got in this am while I was taking everyone to school. I am going to wake him up at 11 and then we are going to lunch without the kids yay!

To answer some of your questions. She is 16 years younger than him 1st of all and I dont know if she would even be interested in him. He is always telling me that she is a lost soul looking for guidance and he is like a big brother to her. Her dad suddenly died rigth before dday and H was upset for her (he lost his mom during his A 4 years ago). He sent a $100 bereavement basket to her house. Her mom sent a note thanking US so I guess I was on the card. She said thanks to him for being such a good friend to her (the mom also works there with them).

He worked and traveled with another woman for years and last year she quit so he took over the entire US and took this girl (who I have met a lot and talked to on the phone almost every day when she was receptionist)and made her his asst.. He sends her places so he doesnt have to travel..yes he is in sales. he said she is a good workeer and a nice person so I said why are you always defending her to me and he said because she is nota scumbag predator like the OW.

I am sure her mom was there. He was out with a bunch of people last night he is now sending me camera phone pics so I can see what he is doing. He told me that he WANTS me to talk to her. He wants me to try not to make too much of a fool of us but he cant stand the jealousy and he wants me to feel comfortable.

We are both feeling really beat up about all this and its hurting our M I know. He just cant believe the extent of how much I cant trust him. I have never put any restrictions on what he does and now I feel like if he doesnt call every hour he is flirting of forgetting about me. It really stinks to be so insecure.

I will go back and reread your posts later. I have someone at the house I have to go. I will check back with you after my talk with H!

Hi Hopingfor,

Okay, thanks for answering my questions...I understand more now...

The mom works there too (very good)....

I am probably making too much out of this due to my H's A. His OW was a coworker that was 25 at the time it started and he was 39...they didn't work directly with each other...she was flirting with him for about 8 mos prior to the A...this is why I am adamant that that has to stop. I didn't have any idea about it...My H did not plan for it to happen, but he made himself vulnerable by crossing the line due to her flirting...she looked up to him as someone that could help her with her problems (knight in shining armour ) and he felt like I didn't need him, didn't want him, etc...I'm just trying to help you avoid what happened to me....

Your H has to make you feel more secure, that's the bottom line...in his view, his A happened years ago, but this is new for you, so he needs to help you to get through it...he needs to understand that you are not going to be able to let him go out w/ out the restrictions as before...same with my H. I encouraged him to go out w/ coworkers after work, go out w/ the guys, etc...now, it is a different story but he understands....I was NEVER a jealous wife, but now that has all changed, but he knows that he was not worthy of my trust so he understands why. Your H needs to get there also...his A is the reason you dont' trust him and you are not over reacting.

My advice for you for today is to explain to your H how you feel. That you always trusted him while he was away, but now you have found out that he had an A years ago, and you need his help in getting over this. You are committed to the M, but are feeling insecure now because of this. You need him to prove his commitment to you and to know that you are the only woman he wants to be with. You want to do the MB EN questionnaires with him to make sure that all his needs are being met. You want his assurance that the emails/ flirting will stop if they haven't already. YOu want him to set the boundaries (give him that post on workplace infidelity to read)...He needs to be aware that he cannot be someone she can lean on for support due to her father's death...that is a big red flag,Hopingfor...He may not have the intention of anything happening but it has POTENTIAL....this is what I want you to understand...

You don't know if she would be interested because of his age...Look at my situation...The OW didn't CARE that he was Med, with 2 young kids and one on the way. Their agreement was just sex and that was okay with both of them (not Okay with me, but I wasn't asked for MY Opinion!)...it became a problem when She fell in love with him and broke their agreement! I'm not saying this would happen in your case, but I never thought it would happen to me either... these young woman are not caring about the wife...i didn't know her though, so you have an advantage over me...

Could you approach her and get to know her better? what about the mom? I bet the Mom would be shocked at that email she sent your H...what is the Sexual harassment policy at the co? Even if it is a small company, that is not allowed...there is generally no tolerance for SH in the workplace...it is grounds for dismissal...and unemployment will be denied if there is cause for termination such as an email.

I think that your H needs to be the one to take steps to protect your M...he is her supervisor...if he steps over the line, he could lose his job...and she could also, but more likely for him as he is the man, the supervisor and older...he needs to make changes in how he handles his interaction w/ her from now on.

For today show him the Workplace thread and tell him that it is a topic for your MC session next week...

Good luck and have a great lunch...

Hi MF
Thanks for your advice and your take on all this. I still feel trusting of him and I know sometimes things sound worse than they look but I want to stay on my toes. I am still considering confronting her. His office is small and they are all like a family there. When this all went down he said he would quit so he didnt have to travel. He is the world worst procrastinator but right now he is driving home from meeting with a career specialist. Of course the grass is never greener...if he gets a job where he is here all the time he may be in a big office with lots of girls for me to worry about!

I NEVER thought I would be jealous. Actually our whole realtionship he pursued me, it always seemed like he felt lucky to have me. We had a nice lunch and we talked a little although I think we both needed a break from it. He said about the asst that it was a long time ago and it wasnt flirting I said well what was IT. Obviously if he classifies it as an IT IT was something! He says she is a good respectble girl and it never took the tone that it did with OW (like when she said she would bring the condomns). I need to step away from it for the rest of the day but I will confront him before he leaves again for sure.

Do you remember 24 or 25 didnt you think a 40 year old man was OLD. I cant imagine the OW in your case and I remembered it as I was writing my last post. She obviously has issues but still to go after a 40 year old with a M and kids. I guess thats what H is saying that this asst is not like that. But its really not her I have to worry about. God only knows when the next predator is around the corner. He keeps telling me he learned his lesson and he doesnt want to be like that ever again. I do know how much he hated himself. I just refuse to be made a fool again.

So similar your story. My H needed me to need him and OW thought he was just fabulous! He said she said she never thought she could have a man like him blah blah. What a big head he must have had! Bleck!

Wouldnt that have been nice if someone had asked our opinion. If I had only heard her say to my H "Ill bring the condomns" I could have told him how much this would hurt us and how much pain this would cause him. After the A he was still searching for something to feel good about thus the flirting with the asst.. So MUCH pain and misery for what? I figure they actually had sex no more than 7 times for petes sake. It shouldnt be this hard.

He has asked me to take it easy on us. To just give him a chance. I dont want to settle for what he gives me. I dont want him to make all the rules. Like when he travels why does he need to go out every night with people? Maybe I just want too much control but I feel like I am spinning out of control right now.

Just to clear up the emails I found and these of course are just the ones I found
1. H writes something like look to the left and smile you just made my day
2. she send him an ecard I can no longer open
3. H writes thanks but none of that love stuff

It sounds pretty bad. She is young. I know she signs her name with a heart on it like a 16 year old. Ugh!!! Maybe I wont wait till later to confront him haha. Gotta go..more later!