Hey MF
I was just looking over my Hs EN questionnaire. He rated affection 1st. I made me feel bad b/c I am not nearly as affectionatte as he is. So sad. Thinking back I am sure I was less before the A also. I just thought when we got married it would be so easy didnt you? Its so sad that 2 people who love each other so much have to work so hard. Sometimes I think I am too complex. If I just accepted what he says and try to believe him could I be happy?

He just seems so simple. I did it I regret it I will never do anything like that again I love you and only you. And I am thinking WHY did you Why didnt you love me more WHY werent you satified with us? Why didnt you think before you did this. Why did you think this would be ok. Why her. You know all the questions. I wish I could get one of those memory sucking pills they had on some movie so I could just get on with life!

Ok just had to vent before the preschool drop off haha. Thanks for listening. Hope you are doing ok
HF

Hi hopingfor,

I'm glad that you are feeling better today...I think that as long as you are on guard about the asst and your H knows how you feel AND sets boundaries with her (it sounds like he may have already done that), just trust but verify...You can drop it until your next MC session even...I would just be cautious...

I remember 24/25 and yes, 40 was OLD...Be careful that your h is not going through a midlife crisis too. there are alot of posts on this topic and books. My H says he turned 40 and lost his damn mind...You have to remember, that young woman these days are alot more brazen than our generation, just look at what they wear...I asked my H how he first noticed OW since he didn't work directly with her and he said she bent over and he saw her thong...now, I'm not a prude but I don't wear thongs to work and certainly would not be showing it off...And she has one of those tattoos on the small of the back that is so popular now (and My H used to comment to me on how much he hated them, even while the A was going on, I see now)...So I asked him how he first met her (sorry if I have posted this to you before) and they were waiting for a shuttle and she looked him up and down and said something like, boy I"d love to have sex with you...Can you imagine? I can't imagine saying this to a man I don't know? Of course, he just ate it all up...He also has a high need for affection, and used to tell me that I wasn't very affectionate to him...I try more now...I am very sad when I think about the ways that he felt rejected by me, when I just didn't take the time to do the little things...He told me that they had been flirting for 6 mos and it was only after a big fight with me that he actually gave in to meet her after work...at least this is what he tells me...

I totally understand you about not wanting him to make the rules. I feel the same way and I am feeling now like he thinks he can do anything because I'm here to stay. The thing is that our Hs were not thinking of us...They couldn't think of us because that would make them feel bad...They were only thinking of how the OW made them feel...someone new and exciting. I say to my H, how could I compete w/ her when I didn't even know I had competition? He replied that there was no competition because he was never leaving me...like that is supposed to make me feel better. I'm glad that he wasn't going to leave me, but at the same time, why do it then? Why did he think this was okay?

I will never get it, no matter how hard I try? I read the posts from other FWs, and it helps. I read the Harley books and it helps. But I still think why us? How could he do this to me, to us? I don't feel as married as I used to. There isn't anything special between us anymore. It's been tainted and I can't get that back. He doesn't understand it...I know I should be glad that he didn't fall in love with her but it's just so hard.

You're not too complex. You're just a BS like me...and all the WS and FWS want to make it too simple...just get over it already, you know? It's not so easy...and they will not understand it until they actually go through the same kind of ****** we are...

Just make sure that you are doing your best to meet his ENs...Hope your day is going better....

Mamafish,

I read some of your posts, not all of them and your situation seems so similar to mine.

My husband also turning 40 thought life was passing him by, getting older, didn't like life's responsibilites, so he decided to have an affair. The OW would see him in the office feeling sorry for himself, so she would often talk to him boosting up his ego. He would come home and argue with me about anything, just to argue , so he could have something to talk about with the OW. I would often ask what's wrong with him - are you upset, talk to me - I even asked if he was having an affair - should we go to a MC? Nothing is wrong, he would say, you're crazy, imagining things.

Did your husband continue to work with the OW?

Forgiveandlove,

You're right. Our H's As were very very similar...I also tried to get my H to tell me what was wrong, I would go to MC, etc...asked him outright, he denied it...I told him I felt like I didn't have a H and that he had a secret life, he said I was crazy (I was pregnant at the time) and my Hormones were to blame...He would start arguments with me so that he would have a reason to leave, to go to the OW..My H used to show photos of his family at work and tell everyone how happy his M was, etc. Everyone told him that he was so lucky and his family was beautiful..>I thought I was making him happy by being strong and taking care of the kids...Instead he felt rejected because I was always tired from working and taking care of the kids, and when he would come home and ignore me, I started to withdraw from him, and that gave him more reason to complain about me, and less reason to come home.. My H got into it because she offered him no strings attached sex, which was all he wanted, but then she fell in love with him, and started making demands on him like a wife...When this happened, he tried to break it off but she made him feel guilty and would woo him back.

Anyway, no, my H doesn't work there anymore and he is glad. He doesn't miss it all. He hates her. He hates to talk about it because he feels that I give her too much power. I think he is embarassed that he was so stupid.

I will never understand how he could do this with no thought about me at all...It boggles the mind...But you're right, all the stories are similar in how they don't think...it's only after the fact that they realize what they have done...At the time, he made himself so distant from me because he had to, otherwise he couldn't live with the guilt. He said when he was with her, she would fight w/ him about the time he was with me. When he was home, I would fight w/ him about how he was never home. He felt like he could get no peace and was tormented.

We went to MC three times but didn't continue due to insurance issues. I think we were just getting started on it helping.

I hope now that your H is not going to be working with OW, that you can move on..I'm taking it day by day...trying not to live in the past, and move forward...what else can we do??

Thanks Mamafish,

I like you thought I was going crazy. Even before he started the affair, he was constantly picking on me to start a fight - on any issue. Then he would turn it around and say I started the fight. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough. He also picked on the kids. He seemed so miserable. I just couldn't understand why. I asked him so often. I thought it was pressure on his job. I never thought he was having an affair - he always talked about how he hated people that cheat on their spouses and he would never do that. "Famous last words"!

Once I confronted him, he felt relieved because I did what he couldn't do - tell him to stop whatever he was doing or the kids and I would be history. He told me everything. I just couldn't understand WHY. I treated him like a king. All the years we were married, I worked full time with 2 kids, cooked, cleaned, did yard work, cared for my invalid dad for months (in my spare time). I still managed to keep in shape, look my best, care for the family and always be happy go lucky.

Even though I worked, I always cooked dinner every night for my husband and the kids and cleaned up afterwards. He never lifted a hand to help with ay housework (woman's work). He felt because he was the man, it was his right to sit back and not help. But, I never complained, just dealt with it. Yet, he had a nerve to cheat because life was passing him by. If anyone should have cheated it should have been me - but I remained faithful, no matter what - for better or worse. I even got STD's on top of all this, from the OW. I thought the sky was going to fall down on me next!!!

I also confronted the OW unnounced, in front of him and their stories were basically the same and that it was over. Plus I also said a few choice words afterwards about what I felt about her. He said in front of her that he never loved her - he loved his wife and had no intentions of leaving me. I needed to hear this and what the truth actually was. He wanted me not to say anything to anyone to avoid embarrassment and a scandal. So, I agreed.

But, them working together every time something went wrong-he was the cause of it - because he did her wrong. This irritated me to no end. After a while she started being nice to him again - I think she was waiting to see what happened between us - hoping we would split. My husband kept putting further and further distance between them, she didn't like this. I guess she realized they were never going to be together again. This is why she filed charges against him - to get even.

Now he too, can't imagine why he did what he did and why her? He says she gets older and more wrinkled by the day. He thinks he must have been out of his mind. He looks at her with disgust. She already had another affair with another married man (truth, not gossip). His lesson was a bad one, and he could have lost everything he and I worked so hard for, but people learn from their mistakes.

Hopefully, he gets a new position soon - he's had several interviews.

I wish that he would have listened to me and left willingly, before all this happened. But, they are always right! They always have to have fire put under their butts to get them moving!

Forgiveandlove,

Our stories are really alike now that I read how your M was...I could have written this. with one exception, that my H would cook dinner because he is a better cook, and I would clean up...however, as time went on and he was more involved in his A, I would come home from work expecting that he cooked dinner and he didn't, so then I would have to try to figure out what to have...See he worked graveshift hours from Thurs-sun nights, so on these nights, I would cook, clean up and everything...i worked fulltime and was pregnant (Had just found out) when he started his A...he started spending more time on working overtime I thought, and he was hardly ever home...even on his nights off, same as your H, he would turn everything into an argument on me, and I felt I could do nothing right. Even when we planned a family outing, he would get mad and sometimes leave right after, or take a separate car, so he could call her. I knew something was going on but like you didn't realize it was an A...he used to tell me to just tell him if I was attracted to someone else, and he would ask me if I had met anyone...like I would ever meet anyone going from work to daycare to home, and pregnant on top of it...

I didn't know her at all...but OW filed charges against my H too...That is the only reason I found out about it...If you read previous posts on this thread, you will see the details...See, he was in it just for no strings attached sex, but she fell in love with him...that was the problem...when she started to make demands on him, wanted to tell everyone at work, etc., he tried to break it off, but somehow he never could... I didn't find out for a month after their last encounter because he was afraid to tell me...He never had any intentions of leaving me and she was threatening to expose the A to everyone and me...he ended it and she got back at him for it. She told him,, you F-ed me and now I'm going to F-you.

I know how you feel. If he only listened to me...if he only had told me... I wish I could go back in time, but unfortunately that is impossible. My H did lose so much and went through such an ordeal, and he is sorry that he ever put us in this position and hurt me so badly. He learned his lesson in a very hard way. He has learned from his mistakes, and now he is thankful that the A happened because now we have the chance to make our M stronger.

How is your H around the house now? Does he help more? Mine does, he didn't realize how much I did and that I was just tired and put the kids ahead of everyone else...he thought I didn't love him anymore, and that I wasn't attracted to him...but what it was was that I was upset that he was never home, and when he was, he would just argue and complain...so I withdrew from him too. vicious cycle...we are moving past that day by day...

How is your recovery going? When was your DDay and how long did the A last? His lasted over 8 mos...Sometimes it's hard for me to think about how badly he treated me during that time...it was almost a relief when I found out, that I had an explanation as to why he would make me feel so bad, so that he could feel better about himself and justify his choices.

MF
I was just thinking that about living day to day. If I just focus on today and not the past or the future its easier to get thru. I dont know if I said this before but I was watching DrPhil and he told this guy (in his 50s) that he had probably 11,000 days to live. That really hit home with me. All the time we wasted with his guilt I am trying not to waste anymore with my pain and my desire to torture him for his actions!

Anyway about the asst. I told H we would talk about it tonight. The funny thing is I do trust him. I do beleive him whenhe says it was a one timething this A. I knowhe was feeling really bad after the A and thought I would hate him. He thought he was a "piece of #$%^" and he was definatley looking for someone to make him feel good by flirting. This like I said is nonnegotioable for me. I continue to check his email and there is plenty of correspondence between them and its all professional. I do not want to be made a fool of again though and I am still seriously considering confronting her.

Ok 1st of all 40 is way old when you are 25! I wore a thong the other day when I got back from vacation because everything I owned was dirty and let me tell you I was readjusting everytime I got out of the car. I only had them for a dress I wore to a party where I guess I was standing the whole time haha! I will never understand the predator OW or the WS..its just not in my nature to understand that. I do know one thing anyone anyone anyone can find someone to sleep with. It doesnt matter if the OW is young or attractive. YOu get what you bargain for. In your case a psycho in mine a low life scum. I cant even imagine someone saying what she said to your H thats crazy and Im sure was an ego boost for him. One of my fears is that my H is proud of himself for landing someone else he says no way. I told him well thats who you got. What you should be proud of is your W and family not that anyone can have that.

By the way that tatoo is called a "tramp stamp". My H loves them and the small of my back. I am thinking of gettinga a henna one for his 40th birthday. They last about 3 weeks. I NEVER would have done that before. It would crack him up. I wouldnt even know whwere to go and would definatly feel weird getting it done. Its funny how like forgiveandlove said it does make you realize what you almost lost. I know I got lazy and didnt try to please him it wasnt even a consideration. Too busy taking care of the kids and the house. Now I know I need to work on being in love or showing my love.

I so feel tath way too about forgiveness. My H didnt spend one night out of our bed after dday. I hope he doesnt think it was too easy. I think thats why I dont let go of it. I dont want him to ever think this was not a big deal. I dont want him to think I am a doormat either..."well I got away wth taht she wont kick me out for this".

I understand that feeling of the M being tainted but I think with time you may be able to get over tht. Dont you? I am very in love with H. Its not easy to accept waht he has done but I think I am even more in love with him since dday. I think I am because of those years that I knew he was suffering. That is so much proof to me of the guilt he was feeling and his remorse. I think once you feel that from your H you will be able to feel more in love. This stage too with little kids is so hard to feel connected. We are just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with that. We are able to take off for dinner for a couple hours without worry. I feel for you b/c life is hard at this stage and to have all this going on in your head is really hard. I hope you told him to work hard on meeting your EN he owes you that. And yes and no yes grateful he didnt fall in love no not because what he did was so horrible. Since dday I have realized it seems like there are cheaters who cheat because its over and fall in love and then ther are cheaters who cheat to cheat. The former are too chicken to get out. I thinkthe later may actually worse and thats our Hs.

YOu are right about WS trying to make it easy to forget and just get it over. I often think what would he feel like if it was me? I wouldnt do anything b/c I dont have any desire to. I just wonder what it would be like if he would understand then how horrible it is to feel lkie this!
HF

Hi Hopingfor,

I'm glad you and your H are being honest about the asst situation. As long as you are communicating, that is a good thing...I agree about trying not to waste the present while worrying about the past, but it is easier said than done. I know I will get there...I feel like I will get over this, but like you say, it will take time...time is what is needed here...

As for thongs, I had a bunch of them that I never wore because they were uncomfortable.. After DDay, I was wearing them alot (not out of the house though) and H liked them.. He had bought them for me years ago and they were all in the back of my drawer...

My H told me that at first he felt like a player, like, he still had it, he had this young girl really into him...but then he got played at his own game and that was when he realized what a mistake he made. He got caught up in the fantasy/fog they all get in. I think he did it because he could...pure selfishness on his part!

I am proud of the family that we created. I know that he could not have had that with her even if he had left me for her, which he wouldn't have done. She wouldn't even look at the kids' pictures, so he knew she was not someone he could have a real relationship with. I feel bad that I put the kids before our M, and I read about this problem so much now...Why didn't I read about it before the A??

I do feel like I"m starting to feel more in love with him sometimes...Like I feel the spark is still there. Just buried...It will come back, I know it will. We both have learned not to take each other for granted anymore, and that is a big thing to learn...As for the kids, yes, it is tough at these ages...he has talked about having another baby in a few years. I don't think I'm up for it. When I was in the ER when last baby was born, I told him that I couldn't go through it again. Now that I know what was going on, I feel even more strongly about it. Maybe I will change my mind if our M becomes what I want it to be. But after he did this to me while I was pregnant, I just don't know if I will be able to get past that and have another baby. I'm enjoying the baby more because I feel like she is my last one...


I asked my H how he would feel if it were me...how he would be if he was thinking of me with another man...he said he would try to make me forget about him by giving me the best sex I ever had...then he said, he wouldn't be able t think about us together because it would be too painful..so I think he would just try to move on, but would find it is easier said than done!

MamaFish-
I have been wondering what your life is like right now relationship wise with H. I seem to be really struggling with a happy medium. I am so happy when we are together sometimes. Happier than I have been in years and years. But I am so sad fowhat we lost its like I am afraid to enjoy it. I dont want to let him off easy so I think I am torturing him and us with the constant quetions and telling him about my felings.

Just as an example he just called and asked me to dinner with his collegues which I have never done b/c we have always had little kids and he always knew I would never want to. So I said sure I would love to go but I hoped I wouldnt be thinking of him sitting there when OW was with the group and him looking at her during dinner. He just sighed and said it never goes away not even for a minute. Ok so heres the thing I do feel that way. Like was he looking at her giving her the eye during dinner. Its a legitamate question inmy head and during dinner with people he works with I probably will think of that. Technically its a LB I guess. Should I keep allthis stuff to myself? I guess I feel lkie if I have to live with this everyday why shouldnt he? Why if he caused allthis does he get off without obseessing aboutit? On the other hand like DrPhil RR it is my choice and responsibilty to do the right thing which I guess is to lay off and swallow this stuff inmy head.

What do you do? Do you still ask questions? I ask the same ones over and over again just to get reassurance. He is really really sick of it this week.

Funny how your H said he got played. My H at one point said I willnever fall for that again. I thought that was interesting. He really felt taken advantage of I guess.

I wont have any more babies either and would have stopped at 3 if it wasnt twins I have all I can handle and obviously our M couldnt take it before so its a big no for us. 4 is our limit! Funny though whenI was pregannt with them I told H if they were boys I may want to try again for a girl. I never had a sister and I always wanted a girl. H was like NO WAY!!! When dday came he said this happened for a reason to bring us closer together blah blah. Well me period was a week late (robably b/c of all the cryinga nd drama ) but we had been having lots of SF. I though H would freak but he said I guess if you are then thats the reason. I knowhe is trying I know he is a good man. I just cant move on. Maybe I need IC.

Our MC said that it is much more difficult for guys to get over this. They cant function. I asked my H if he ever thought about OWs H and he said only to think what if this was my wife. I know he would not be able to deal with this at all. Not that I am doing such a bang up job!

Hope you are having a good day
HF

Hi Hope,

My day to day life lately has been to not talk about the A because we are just so busy with work and kids, I know it is the wrong thing to do and that is why I get so frustrated that we are not moving forward. We haven't talked about it in a couple weeks.

I hear you about the dinner invite, but I'm glad you are going. You HAVE to. You have to be a presence with his work colleagues esp because of the asst and the past. It will probably trigger you so be aware of it but be calm...Yes, he is right, it is always right under the surface and will not go away...he has to help you to get over it. Just tell him that it is going to be hard for you to sit there knowing that she used to go with him to these things...don't make a big deal out of it and try to be calm. With my H, if I am calm about things, he is more likely to listen and understand. If I am emotional, he withdraws...I don't ask questions much...we had a long talk when I was on vacation (I posted about it) and I learned alot about their relationship and her then .. haven't really talked about it since...I know we need to, but like you,sometimes we are having such a nice night and playing w/ the kids and I don't want to spoil it, you know? I think you need to set aside time for qts and then set a time limit (1 hr is good) with no kids around. And you can't LB about his answers later, by bringing them up in his face later....try to do that and see how it goes. You may find he is more open. Try to remember that he was also hurting and in pain at the time and be compassionate to him. (Hard I know, believe me!).

My H also said he would never fall for that again, he knows she used him also and it was not worth all the pain.


As for babies, I had a scare a few weeks ago also (i'm on the pill but hadn't had a regular period since before I got Pregnant last year) so I wasn't sure...it scared me so much because I really don't want another one, due to our instability and everything that went on this past year. I really don't think I could handle another...we used to talk that we would like another boy but of course there are no guarantees. My h says, if it's for us, it will happen. We had been having alot of SF up until this past week, not since last Friday, we have kind of withdrawn from each other a bit this week. I have been on the roller coaster.

My H says that he is glad that the A happened as our lives were so separate then that something had to change...he is glad because now we have a chance to make our M better. I know he is a good man who loves me and his kids, he just made a terrible mistake.

IC would be a good idea. I would go if I had the insurance...It may help. I know I probably could use some antidepressants but I'm nursing so I'm not going to do it...

You can't expect that you have moved on when you just found out in Dec. I still can't and I have 2 mos longer than you...This will take at least 1-2 yrs...I am hopeful because I find that I sometimes feel normal and can forget for a while, so I know that with time, I will be able to move past it. I find that knowing the details helped me because alot of the time, I blew stuff out of proportion and made too much out of nothing.

Glad you are going to dinner...get dressed up and enjoy it! Make your H proud to be with you and when the thought of OW comes in your head, force it out...don't let it in...

Have a great weekend,
Mama

Hey Mama
How was your weekend? I have been on the rollercoaster all weekend (mostly down). It really stinks. H is away with asst. and is upset with me that I keep "treating him like he is a piece of &^$%". I just dont trust him and I dont understand why if he knows that he has to go out with her for dinner every night and tonite just the 2 of them to boot.

I guess I am going to have to confront her for my sanity. I dont want to look like an a$$ but I will have no peace until I do. The funny thing is I do believe him that they are just friends but I still dont trust my own feelings b/c I was wrong so wrong b4.

I think I may look into IC. I feel so low. Like I just let him do whatever. I have no control over his actions. Maybe I shouldnt want control. Maybe thats a "control issue" thing. It just feels like I was such the good girl and now still I have to just take whatever I can get from him. I have to be OK with him going to dinner with someone he obviously flirted with.

You are right it has only been 3 months it feels like 3 years. I dont even remember what our relationship was like b4 dday. I am so caught up in the bad boy/hurt girl mode. He is so frustated with me and how I am not making enough progress for him. That makes me so angry. 1-2 years sounds like nothing to me. Bring on 2008! I really hope thats true for me!

Hope you had a good weekend!
HF

Hi Hopingfor,

Sorry that you were down this weekend. My weekend was okay. We kind of side stepped around the A, but it came up from time to time...My H was looking at the baby yesterday and saying how thankful he is for her. I looked at him and said, I am very thankful also because I don't think I would have made it through without her. He said I know.. I think he really does know how hard it is for me, it's just hard for him to deal with it.

Back to you, when is your next MC session? When will your H be back home? You really need to address this with your MC because your H is not trustworthy at this time, and he has to understand why you feel this way.. .He has not proven his trust in the past, and has to WORK to prove your trust now and in the future...it is not automatic. He needs to make you secure and protect your M...if he is giving you a hard time about this, it will help to have the MC get him to see your side of things...

Have you and your H done the EN questionnaires? If he is trying to fulfill your ENs this will help in your getting out of the bad boy/good girl scenario...I know the feeling..My H told me yesterday that he is going out w/ a friend of his one night this week. This friend told him that he understood about the A, that he just needed to feel like he still had it. Then he told me that I listen to him more now than I did before he had the A, so that was a good thing...I wanted to say, I'm a better listener??? What about you? But I didn't...I kept it to myself...

The thing is, you have to get your H to understand that it will take time...Don't get me wrong, my H also feels like I'm holding this against him and not getting over it...I can give the advice, but have a hard time taking it. It's always easier to see if it's not your own situation, you know??

Give you an example.. One night last week i think it was Thursday, I was feeling really alone and crying. I told my H that the whole time he was in his A, he had someone to hold, to laugh with, smile, F==K, etc and I didn't . I didn't have anyone because he was with her...and I told him that sometimes I still feel that way because he was withdrawing from me...He told me that wasn't how it was with them, that I make too much out of it, it was just sex, etc.

But see, even if it was just sex, he still was not home with me, you know? He doesn't think about my side of it--what I didn't have when he was with her...I didn't have the hugs, the kisses, the sleeping next to him...she had all of that, even if she didn't have his heart...and that's what makes me so sad, and angry...still getting over it and it's tough...

I had a dream early this morning that I found some papers with her writing on it..It was hanging behind a mirror and I knew it was from her instantly...I started to open them and then I woke up...before I could read any of it...

He told me that she wrote him love letters that he kept at her place because he was afraid I would find them...So I know that's where that is coming from. But the weird thing is that is the first time I can remember dreaming about the A or her.

No, you don't have control over his actions. But you do have control over your feelings and your actions. You can control how you react to things...and in time it will get easier..We all just have to go through the stages...You can't rush it...as much as we would like to right?

I'm doing okay today. I hope your week is off to a good start,

Hi Mamafish,

I haven't gotten a chance to write back. My story is so similar to yours, so similar to many on this site.

I saw all the usual signs, arguing with me for nothing, working overtime when he doesn't really have to, coming home later and later, and taking out extra money from ATM.

He was driving me crazy arguing with me and the kids where asking me why he was always coming home late.

That was when everything went even more crazy.

He was emotionally involved with the OW I'd say about 3 mos. and the PA lasted about 3 mos.

The MC made him realize how he was acting and that he should help out around the home, he does a little now, but not as much as he should.

You do crazy things for love, don't you?

Hi F&L,

That is quite a story, and I can identify with the whole part about coming home late, making excuses, etc....my kids were too young to know about anything, except they would ask is Daddy coming home, when he would go out...Unfortunately, I did not see any of this at the time..When I confronted him, I didn't really have evidence,and of course he denied it. He was working OT because we were expecting a baby in Aug and I would be out of work.. So the hours did not seem unusual to me at the time. I was pregnant and he would blame my suspicions on my hormones, my not thinking clearly...It got to the point where I questioned my own sanity...He would swear that he told me something when I knew he did not...but couldn't prove otherwise.

The OW in my situation is probably described above in one of my posts, but basically she was 25 and hot to trot...flirted openly with him and basically told him she would sleep with him as soon as he met her (they didn't work in the same dept)...He said that they met about 6-7 mos before the A started, but nothing happened until she came on to him after he and I had a huge fight.

We have been together for 15 yrs and he swears that he was never unfaithful before...that he got tired of being rejected by me, and wanted to see if he still had "it". Well, he did, and once he got involved with her for no strings attached sex, he found that there was no such thing...she fell in love w/ him and made demands on him, but then he had a hard time getting out of the relationship...he was terrified that he would lose his family because she was threatening to contact me.

He says that it was just sex and he was never leaving me and the kids for her and she knew this, but tried to keep him in her life...he deeply regrets ever getting involved with her, and has a hard time with my not getting over this as quickly as he would like... Now he understands that he was partly to blame for the lack of SF and affection in our M before this happened... we were not communicating about anything and basically leading separate lives. I resented him never being home and having to do everything so when he would come home, I'd be cold and distant. Then he would act the same, or start a fight and leave to go see her...As their R progressed, he said that he would go out w/ friends because she would fight w/ him also, about how he just came over when he had a fight w/ me...

Now, he does do more housework and childcare, he understands that I was really just tired from doing it all, and that he made a huge mistake because he couldn't talk to me...we are moving forward, but it is a day by day thing. It is definitely a rollercoaster right now.

I'm so sorry that you got HPV...they didn't use any protection and my H says he was tested clean,and that she was also clean...I haven't got tested yet.

I understand about the benefits problem also, because we lost his benefits when he left his position...I am angry for all of the upheaval this caused, for what?? I know he is sorry and wishes he could take it all back, but I still live with it every day...I already work full time and it is a struggle to get it all done...Although he helps much more than he used to...

Crazy things for love is right!! I hear so many stories on these boards of what people do and continue to do...I think my H was more emotionally involved w/ OW than he wants to admit, to me and to himself.. He is very depressed now about the whole situation, but glad that we are still together and have hope to make our marriage better.

How are you and your H doing in your recovery now? Did you do the EN questionnaire from this site? Maybe you could do it and show your H that you need his domestic support... I don't think you need to accept that he does not do as much as he can...I know it's hard when you are used to doing it all, as I still have a hard time. I don't want to go back to the way our M was before either, so we are working toward a better M for both of us. And we are communicating more, so that is a good thing.

Hey Mama and F&L
The craziest thing these As. I told H tonite he went out for hamburger when he had steak at home. He for some reason had never heard this. Its so stupid its hard to accept. I mean really he said she had a fat a$$ and bad skin and the sex was terrible so....I dont get it. Its not about the looks I guess its about them feeling like someone anyone else besides the person that has to adores them. Disgusting and weak! I know I will never understand it. I never knew how different H and I were until dday.

F&L so sorry to hear that you got HVP adds insult to injury. I have thought about getting tested too but A was 4 years ago so I am thinking I am safe. He said they used a condomn every time but she gave him oral 2x. He said 2 years ago he asked his dr to test him for everything but I remember in 2003 a year after the A happened I had a problem and the dr asked me if there was any reason I should suspect other partners. I of course swore up and down no way and called H after expecting him to laugh only to hear a defensive response. How stupid and trusting I was! WAS!!!

Mama
I am so glad for you that you have the baby to focus on. I am sure she is a blessing in this sea of *&^%. By the way I never told you I love her name so sweet!

MC is Thurs afternoon but we may have to r/s b/c of DS bball game. Ugh! We really need to get in there things are going from bad to worse. I just cant handle the traveling. He will be home tomorrow night so I made it if I can get through tomorrow. H is so not who I thought he was all these years. To think how he was to do this and now whenever he travels and we argue he cant handle it. Always telling me I should be better and not paranoid. I really want him to be strong enough for both of us you know? His mess me cleaning it up. I know this sounds like I feel superior to him but the truth is I cant believe who he is! I did always think he was better than this.

He always says "would you marry me again?". Boy thats a tough question. I love him with all my heart. I would marry him agin but I would know that anyone is capable of anything ato anytime. He didnt value us or me as I did him and that really stinks to think that. Does this make him a bad man? I dont know how to feel about the stereotypes I always had about "cheaters". Now I am in love with one.

I know how you feel about being alone during the preganancy. Its like you got robbed or "cheated" out of what was yours (H). Its so hard to not be resentful. I know they cant change the past but boy its hard not to think of what was lost then and the pain it caused.

I have only had one dream that I can remember about OW. Thats so weird to me b/c my brother had an unfaithful wife who really hurt and humiliated him and I had a recurring dream about beating her up (I am non confrontational and have never ever been in a fight). For some reason she only haunts me in the day and it seems like less and less lately. I am more focused on him and what he was feeling then I think.

I am trying to focus on me this week and what i can change in me. I really wanted a knight in shining armour and I got a human. I need to accept that. i know he is nota bad person he lost his way and I need to let him win my heart back with out killing him mentally. Hope all is well on your front!
HF

Hi Gals,

I like that--going out for hamburger when he had steak at home...that is a good one...I don't know what the attraction is, I guess it is something new and exciting...I will just never understand how it would pull you away from everything that you worked so hard for...And for nothing...I have read the books and I think I said this before, I understand how it could happen intellectually but not emotionally.

My H hasn't asked if I would marry him again since DDay. He had asked me that question before, I can't remember if it was before or during the A...he has asked me from time to time...my answer always has been, yes, because of the kids...I always told him that no matter all the tough times we had (and we had alot before we had kids), I would do it all again because of them...I think I would answer the same way now, but like you said, I know that nothing is guaranteed...I also have stereotypes about cheaters, and I know my H is a good man that made a terrible mistake. He deserves a second chance. But I still feel like, I was the only one taking our vows seriously.

Hopingfor, I know what you mean about not knowing who your H was all this time...I told me during the A (at the beginning) that I felt like I didn't have a husband, that he had a secret life I didn't know anything about. Boy, I had no idea what a secret life it was...the thing that gets me is that he chose her over me, for 8 mos....!! He says how unattractive she is (now), and all this. but the bottom line is that he chose to be with her instead of me for a very long time...what does that say about his commitment to me?

I am also trying to work on me this week, and always...I have been reading a bunch of books, and know that we have alot of work to do. There was a book recommended by Mimi here, called Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. I have not read it yet, but she says it turned her M around from a child focused one, to one focused on her M...The theme is that women want love and men want respect, and when the wife respects her H, he gives her love...I'm going to read it to see where I can change my behavior/attitudes...I still feel like he should be doing more, but that' s how it is right now.

Dear Hoping and MF,

Listen to me, both of you get tested for HPV. It's a simple pap smear type of test. Your OB/GYN will not test you for this unless you ask. HPV could lay dormant for months and years, yes years. If left undetected, it could lead to cervical cancer. MEN CAN'T BE TESTED FOR HPV. They could be carriers and not know it. There are no symptoms for HPV! You don't have to have visible genital warts-this is just another form of HPV. There is no medication for HPV-it has to go away by itself. You can get HPV by just touching the infected parts by your hand and then pass it on to someone else. Condoms don't protect against HPV-they are not effective for this.

In spite of all this, I stuck it out. I believed we could recover. I get knocked down and I get right back up.

Like I said, we went to a MC - he made my husband see a lot of things and the way they should be. The people on this site thought he was totally insensitive and just plain cruel. So far as trusting him-I guess that will come in time-I still don't at this point.

Now, when he thinks back, he himself doesn't know how he could have been so cold-hearted. He is truly sorry - said so, many times. He realizes that I am his and the family's "backbone" - without me everything stops in the home. Thinking back to what he did-that he almost lost everything he had. He always loved me, but just couldn't talk to me. He always felt he had to hold things inside him. That was his biggest problem, communication. I don't think he'll ever completely change, I don't expect that. He does do the dishes once in a while. I just want him to love me, communicate and be honest with me. This is the most important thing to me. I don't mind working hard.

It's been over a year since this all started-a long a hard journey.

Thanks for listening to me girls. Take care - we're all in the same boat.

Forgiveandlove,

Wow, that is quite a story...You certainly are strong to deal with all of those things and stay committed to your M and H...and it sounds like your M is getting better...I like to read about people staying together despite the odds...You really are a saint, in my opinion...I think it is awful how your H left you to deal with all this on your own, and even have OW come to your house.

Thanks for the info about HPV... I did go to Planned Parenthood to find out about STD testing but didn't go back to get it done yet...I am without health insurance now, due to all this crap, but will make it a priority to get it done...My H has told me that I should go for my own peace of mind...

Communication is also my H's problem...and he has told me just last week that I am his rock, so I understand what you are saying here. I feel like I am a pile of gravel right now, not a rock, but he always knows he can lean on me...he always told me that I was stronger than I looked, and that was part of the problem..he felt like I didn't need him...because of our miscommunication...I don't mind doing alot of the housework, childcare, etc. as long as it is APPRECIATED...I felt like I was doing what he wanted--taking care of the kids and the house, but really he wanted that, but to feel like he was a priority also...I'm working on it...He is truly sorry for his A and all the pain it has caused.

yes, we are all in the same boat...tragic consequences all around...everyone's story is different but similar in the pain and hurt that we are all living with...it sucks, but we have to deal with it and move on.

I'm glad that your H will be leaving his job...I think that will make a big difference too. How is your daughter doing after her ordeal?

All we can do is try to move forward and make our marriages better so that something good can come of all the pain.

Take care of yourselves!!!

MF,

Because I am strong, at least sometimes, my husband didn't think I needed emotional support. He felt I dealt with things in the past, so I could deal with anything. Like I said he felt sorry for the OW because she worked, had young children and money problems. He even said poor OW - she's not a bad person - she needs help and support from someone - that's why they used to talk to each other. I said WHAT???? What about me. How much trauma and neglect can I take? Because I'm attractive, I can deal with what ever comes my way? How come you couldn't support me?

My husband never wanted to talk to me. He would listen to other people, but not me, for you see he thought I was controlling him when he would listen to me - that's a no, no.

Being appreciated, well that's another story. I worked full time before we were married, during the marriage, during pregnancies and after. Carted the kids to daycare, took care of my dad. Came home did it all, but a thank you or boy, you're a good wife, no. This was expected of me - the more I did - the more was expected. Housework, lawn work, whatever. The way my husband acted, you'd think he was from some 3rd world where the women walk 2 steps behind the men, or he was born in the 1800's.

My kids are the best! I live for my kids - that's what keeps me strong.

NOW, that the "horse ran out of the stable" my husband tells me everything, we communicate all the time. We can now discuss the affair without fighting. He totally hates the OW, because of all the stuff she did to him. She tells lies, upon lies, to get what she wants.

Hi Ladies
F&L thats a terrible story. It must be so hard to think of all you went thru with daughter and you r dad while he was checked out. I am glad she is doing well now.

I cant believe OW went to your house!! I dont understand these desperate people. Why they have no respect for other people. I suppose they have no respect for themselves really. Going after someone who is taken like thats all they can get. These WH of ours were weak and pliable an easy target for ugly (inside mostly I mean) women.

Your H does sound like he is coming around thought thats good. I have often thought of myself as a saint here taking care of 2 infants while he was fooling around. His "escape" he called it. A "distraction" from the reality of our crazy lives. Where was my distraction? Its so nice to be entitled! Very weak and self serving the WS. It feels good just do it. Bleck!

I am a little freaked out by the HPV thing. I will KILL him if I get a souvenir from his trip to Fantasyland! I hate thinking about telling my GYN that I need to be tested for everyhting being that OW was such a wh(*e!

Mama that book sounds great! It is so true that all men want is to feel respected and honored and special. Thats why mine strayed. Too busy to make him the king of the castle!

H comes home late night tonite. Thankfully! I am tired and worn out from being suspicious and all around crazy. I am so angry with him latley. He keeps saying he would turn back time if he could. Today he told me he would "fall on a sword" to change what he did. Nothing is enough for me today. I just want to scream at him and LB him to death but I am trying to be a better person.
HF