Hey F&L,

We are all April babies in my family...My H is 4/6 and my DS is 4/13 (all Aries) and I am 4/26 (Taurus)...And I love this early spring weather we are having in the NE.

Our big problem was not going out and putting our kids ahead of us in all areas. Alot of this was/is my H's doing. He doesn't trust anyone to watch his kids. Therefore, we stay in or do stuff w/ the kids. We need to make our relationship a priority, still working on this. Anytime I would mention a date night or scheduling SF, he would say, we shouldn't have to schedule SF, it should just happen. Well, it wasn't happening, so that's why we needed to plan it. Whatever.

Hf, F&L and I are on the same page...your H needs to set his boundaries with Asst....Did you bring this up to your MC??

Have a good night ladies...

MF,

All April, must be tough on presents! My kids always remember some major events that happened on my birthday, Abe Lincoln was shot, the Titanic sank, and the next day is the TAX Deadline. I taught them this from when they were little.

Today is going to be 60 degrees here. Yeah! My daffodils are popping up.

When our girls were little we didn't go out too much either. Luckily, we had a high school girl next door that could watch the girls and her parents were also home in case of an emergency. Most of the time, when we went somewhere, it was always as a family, the girls came with us.

I agree, it's very hard to schedule a night for SF. Things always pop up. A date night, yes, but not SF. For us it's even harder - can't make any noises - have to be discrete - because our girls are older and they know what's happening. Kids don't like to think of their parents being intimate. That's only for "young people", not parents. Once you get to a certain age, you become ancient.

You really have to watch who you leave your kids with, all these weirdos and child molestors. We were lucky enough to have the neighbor across the street watch the girls before they entered school, while we were at work. Once they went to school, they stayed in a after school program at school, till we picked them up at 6:00.

Hoping: Sometimes women are friendly with you to get at your husband. The best way for you not to suspect something is to be friends with you. Anything can happen, if they go on trips, they make drink a little too much - it' been known to happen.

I hate to say that I'll never trust my husband again, but I'll never be so trusting as I was before. On all his previous jobs, he always had some woman that was attracted to him, admired him, or flirted with him. He always told me about it - I just shrugged it off - because he always told me he would never cheat. I mean, who likes to hear that other women are drooling over your husband - but, I figured since he wasn't doing anything wrong, it didn't matter. Well, I guess his head just got too big and decided, wow, all these women want me, why not go for it.

They always say keep your enemies close to you - watch her. Sometimes women are sneakier than men.

Enjoy the weather!

F&L,

The weather here is also beautiful . Daffodils and crocuses are popping up. I am going for a walk with a coworker in a few minutes, just to get out of the office.

On the few occasions that we have gone out (like on my Xmas party night), we have had the kids stay at daycare (it is in the woman's home) and she watches them until we come home...When my DS starts 1st grade next fall, I will probably have him in the afterschool program. It is hard now because there are no teenagers in our neighborhood,and we don't really know our neighbors anyway...We usually do stuff as a family when we go out.

You are right about keeping enemies close. I also trusted my H when he would mention flirting. I never thought he would cheat. Now I question whether it will happen again, or if he is even as committed to the M as I am...

I think, HF, that you have to make your H aware that you are not trusting him w/ Asst. She is 24, and already you see she looks up to him, plus her father passed away and she may be looking for a father figure now, to get advice etc. Watch her!

Have a good day ladies,.

Hi Ladies
Have been out all day and missed you guys.

Went to MC yesterday. MC says I need to trust H because what else am I going to do? Brought up how he calls his asst "kiddo" MC said to H well could you consider going by first names. H says sure ok so I should be fine with that. MC seems a little like I should be over this. Like too bad he cheated you have to move on. I am starting to worry I will never forgive him.

When I look at this logically I think ok it was literally 7 nights with her over 7 months. I have been with him exclusively besides these nights since the 80s!!! You are right MF some of the stories are so sad on MB. At least we all have our Hs and they are trying. So why does this hurt so much? The truth is I cant trust him ever again. I said to him this am you promised to be wiht only me when we got married and we were more in love then he said no now look what we have now. But we had all this then. The house 4 kids each other it wasnt enough when am I going to be able to get past this? Does it hurt so badly because I love him so much? Am I feeling sorry for myself too much? Because I was fooled? All of the above and more?

I had a bad day yesterday. H brought me flowers which was very sweet. There is so much tragedy going on around me lately. 2 kids dies in a car creash from DSs school. A freind of mine found out yesterday her daughter has cancer and they need to amputate her foot. My other friend is back in the hospital with her son who has cancer. I feel so lucky to have what I have but I am still so sad about what I lost.

I just keep thinking what if he does do this again and I am 50 or 60. I dont want to go thru this again or have to start over. But my inability to forgive him and move on is killing us.

As far as scheduling SF I had a friend tell me once Wed was "hump day" I loved that! Thanks for listening to all my negative talk I hope today will be better sometimes those real tough days take a day to recover from. Hope all is well with you both. It is gorgeous outside so I think I will take the kids out now! Take care
HF

Hi Hoping,

Your D-Day was 12/05 and you should be over it??? That's only about 3-1/2 months ago. Mine was 9-1/2 months ago and I still get bouts of depression and hurt. Yes, it does hurt more when you love some one very much. Makes you think they don't love you as much because of what they did. It's just so hard to understand why they did this to you - how could they?

My husband sometimes tells me why am I still upset. I have the house, the kids, the marriage and him. They just don't understand the hurt we feel. You aren't feeling sorry for yourself - and yes you were fooled. We all were. It takes time to forgive - how much time I can't tell you. Our first couple of months were nothing but fighting. All I could think of was what he did to me. I tried so hard to forget, but I couldn't. No matter what I read, saw or heard. Even when I read relationship books, they would upset me, instead of help me. Movies on tv would also upset me. this takes time to get over.

Nice that your H brought flowers. I wish mine would for no reason. I often used to see husbands in the supermarket around dinner time getting flowers for their wives or girlfriends. I always thought, WOW, isn't that nice - I never got that. My husband never thought of those things. He always thought those guys were doing that because they were really hiding something and feeling guilty.

I often, too, think what if this happens again. I don't think I could go thru this again. My girls asked me if their dad and I got divorced, would I ever remarry? I said definitely not - I don't need a man to be happy. If I didn't love my husband so much, I would have left a long time ago. We've been together for over 20 yrs. - I can't imagine being without him, no matter how he is. I can't even go to sleep without him.

Have a good day - all this week is supposed to be warm - enjoy it.

Hoping for....your sentence below is exactly how I feel....
I just keep thinking what if he does do this again and I am 50 or 60. I dont want to go thru this again or have to start over. But my inability to forgive him and move on is killing us.....You said it all right here....I just keep thinking I can't get hurt again....part of me thinks I can forgive and move on....part of me doesn't know if I can.....and then part of me wonders why I would even want to forgive him.......He promises me that he would never hurt me again......but how do I know that .....I never thought he would do what he did to me in the first place......I'm nervous scared and I'm wondering if working things out with him is the right thing for me....I guess only time will tell me that but like you I don't want to be 50 and going through this again.....we are in MC together and working on our relationship and the truth is we haven't been happier.....but how sad is it that it took his A to get us to where we are....I have my good days and then I have those days where I think how could he do this to me after all we have been through.....I think back to how he told me the OW was really pretty and had big boobs etc.....now he says he just said those things to hurt me.....she isn't drop dead pretty but she isn't ugly either whatever the heck that means.......somedays i wonder how I got to this place in my life.....When he contacted me again I was at the point where I was ready to move on....but for some reason I answered his call and now we are working on recovery.......Enjoy the rest of your day.

Sadtimes,

I guess you are new to this site. Hoping For and Mamafish are two of the nicest people on this site. I truly believe I have made two good friends. They will understand what you are going thru. My D-day has been a bit longer than them, but we are all in the same situation. If you give me a little detail, when, what, etc. - maybe we can help you. This is a good place to vent. There are many people to help you.

Yes, it's sad but true, sometimes an affair makes both of you realize how important your marriage is. Why do we take each other for granted? Why does an affair have to happen to change things? These are all the things we have a hard time dealing with.

You may never have to go thru this again. Both of you have to learn a hard lesson. Even though you've been betrayed, it makes you realize what you did wrong too - maybe you took him for a little granted also. But, don't be hard on yourself - this was his decision - not yours. He also has to deal with his guilt.

MC is good. It helped me and my husband a lot. Don't be discouraged - it takes time. The forgiving part takes a lot of time - how long I couldn't tell you.

Forget about what the OW looks like - that never matters. My husband had an affair with someone that looks older, skinnny, no boobs - saggy, drinks, smokes, talks like trash, office tramp, and not that smart. It's never about looks - they are there and available. I was shocked at who he had an affair with. I am attactive, slim, nice size boobs, good personality, good wife . - but that didn't matter to him. Now he's embarrassed at who it was- especially when people tell him how lucky his is to have me.

We are always here to help, if we can. Take care.

Hi Sadtimes
Boy do I have all those feelings. I agree with F&L the A is not about the looks although it often pops into my mind...I bet her stomach is flatter than mine...or she must have had perkier boobs. I am not perfect looking but H has always said I am beautiful even more so after the A and I have always been a good wife and loved him the best I knew how. OW was not gorgeous by any means just made him feel "special" at a time I couldnt.

I think part of the worrying about the furture has a lot to do with the unbelievable facts of the past. He often says to me you know I wont do anything like that again. Just because thats what he feels doesnt make it my feelings. Just because he feels like that rightnow doesnt mean he will feel like that in 10 years. Its so scary but I have no choices here. I love him with all I have I have to try to recover from this.

We too are in MC and working hard or I should say I am he is fixed all set to move on in life like it never happened. Happy as can be. See he did this 4 years ago and has suffered from guilt since then. His confession freed him from his guilt and in turn was transferred to me as a huge burden to bear.

However its true for us too. In a lot of ways the discovery made us realize what we could have lost. It awakened to each other. I compare way too much but looking at other couples we are freinds with they seem disconnected sometimes and going thru the motions. I hope that we stay in this "honeymoon" phase of not wanting to let go but thats probably unreasonable. I dont know something about life now being so differnt makes me feel we can sustain the feeling of being totally in love (boy todays a good day can you tell!).

Thanks F&L for the compliment. I dont have the answers for you sadtimes but am always willing to listen and that is a big help to me to just get it out of my system.

Sadtimes you should fill outthe profile portion for the bottom of you rpost it does help everyone know where you are coming from. Hope everyone is having a good day. I am commited to staying positive today and grateful fro what I have.
HF

Forgiveandlove & Hopeingfor.....thanks for the messages....okay a little about my situation.....I'm not married but did consider us married....we lived together for 6 years.....A new girl started working with my BF she started there in November 05 she is married no kids.....email and text messages started in late December 05......on January 21 my BF had to work said some of the guys might go out after work......he normally works until 11:30AM on Saturdays when I didn't hear from him by 6:30 PM I called his cell phone no answer it was off which was odd....at 7:30 he called me to say he had gone out with kevin and Joe to watch a game and drank too much I offfered to come pick him up he said no he could drive.....Monday, Tues, Wed of the following week he told me he had training and that the branch would be going out after training for dinner....Monday he came home at 8:30, Tuesday 10:30, by this time my mind was going.....Weds he came home at 1:00AM I get up at 3:00AM and turned on his cell phone and there is was a text message from Erin....I miss you bad....I went upstairs woke him and said I just want you to know Erin misses you bad......he didn't really say anything....Thursday night he came right home after work but spent the night emailing and text messaging her....Friday I had some ladies over from the neighborhood....he never came home that night....Saturday I asked him to back his bags and move out......he didn't want to but I made him....he lived in a hotel for 1 week then got an apartment.....twice the OW said she was leaving her husband and showed up my BF's apartment first time she stayed on night....then got up and said she couldn't do this....2nd time she stayed 3 nights and then said she was going home......he said they never had intercourse....I find it hard to believe....anyway we kept in contact on and off over the next 2 or 3 weeks.....then I just cut off all contact......he called one Tuesday and I answered the phone we went on dates....we are now trying to work things out....only thing is sometimes I'm not so sure I can forgive and move in sometimes I think I can....sometimes I just still can't believe what he did to me......we are in MC and she told my BF that he has low self esteem etc...shen we left he said I felt like she was picking on me....she asked him to name 5 things about me that bugs him and he couldn't come up with anything......I don't know sometimes I want this to work other times I don't and sometimes to be honest I just want revenge......Is this normal or am I loosing my mind?

Hi Everybody,

Hey Sadtimes!!!! 50 isn't so bad!!!! OK, now I have to tell you guys how old I am. - Rats!!! I'm 51 and I'm married to a guy 10 years younger than me. I look about 40. I've been the same weight (110 lbs.) since I was in high school -even after 5 kids. When my oldest daughter and I go somewhere -they think I'm her sister. The woman my husband cheated on me with was 47, homely and looked like she is in her late 50's. Has all wrinkles around her eyes!! She goes to tanning salons and always looks orange - not tanned. Thank goodness I have my dad's good genes and don't have them - well maybe some. I have 2 boys, 33, 32 and a daughter 30 from a previous marriage - 2 daughters 18 and 13 from my current marriage. I was stupid the first time around - got married at 17 to an abusive man. After getting battered around a lot - I got divorced.

I'm not offended, but just want Now 60 doesn't even seem that old to me. Guys hit on me when my husband and I go out dancing, that are in their 20's. Makes me feel good though. Everyone needs an ego boost every once in a while.

Hopefully, when you hit 50, you'll look back on this only as a lesson in life, no bitterness.

I think all these guys needed glasses when they were in their affairs. That's why they call it a fog. Once they put them on - they realized what the OW was really like. Believe me, if they were married to the OW in the first place, they probably either would have left them already, or cheated on them also.

What's important is that they are with you and not the OW!!

You've got to understand, that when they are with the OW, they feel they have no responsbility, the OW is always at their best, whether it's how they are dressed or whether it is their "performance". If you put the OW and your husband in a real life situation, i.e., seeing them in the morning, taking care of sick kids, bills, the OW asking them over and over again to do things, sloppy habits, picking up after your husband, being tired from working and taking care of kids, etc. I'd love to see if they would even attempt to have an affair with the OW. The affair was a total fantasy. So far as how the OW looks or her age, forget about that - that's also just in their mind. Even the sex they had is not real. Do you think that would go on the same way year, after year? Think!!!!

So far as will he do it again - you'll never know that. Just becuse he says, now, that he won't, will not guarantee it. Nothing is for sure in life. I always believe though - everything is written down at the time of your birth. If it's meant to happen - it will - sometimes for the best - sometimes for the worst.

Your only choice is stay in the marriage or not. If you love your husband - you have to try and forgive him. Believe me, it's difficult. Like Hoping For said, her husband felt a weight had been lifted off his shoulders once he confessed - but that weight was put on her shoulders. This happens to all BS's.

Hopefully, both of you will realize in time, what lead up to the affair. Always communicate - this is so important.

Going to visit my dad. Think I'll wheel him outside a little bit. Another nice day today! Tomorrow 70 degrees. YES!!

Hi Hopingfor, Forgiveandlove, and welcome to sadtimes,

Sorry you are hear sadtimes, but I'm glad you found our thread. We are all helping each other out, and thanks F&L for saying that I am so nice...Right back at you...I really look forward to the words of support and encouragement that I have found from you and Hopingfor, on days that have been very low...I have learned so much from both of you about hanging in there, on days that I really needed someone to talk to...

I missed alot of posts and I was just here yesterday...:) Just catching up. I don't know that I have much to say that wasn't already said to sadtimes about not comparing herself to the OW. The OW comes along when the H/BF is at a low point and it doesn't matter what she looks like. It's all about how they make the man feel...admiring, coy, overtly sexy, whatever.

F&L, You are an inspiration to me...let me correct that, you have been an inspiration to me since hearing the stories of your life that you have shared. Now that you have shared your age, I am impressed! I look at alot of women in their 50s and they are proving that it is no longer "old". Christie Brinkly is the first that comes to my mind.

You are right about the A with OW being a fantasy. There is no reality there. The Harley books all say that if the OW had to meet all of the needs of the spouse, they would fail. That's now that the Ws is looking for anyway. The Wife (or GF in sadtimes case) provides alot of ENs to the WS. My H's A is a classic example...it was great at the beginning of the PA. All sex, exciting, she promised not to tell anyone, and that since she was hornier than most women, she didn't want any strings attached, just sex. ..The problems in their R came when she fell in love w/ him. All he wanted was Sex, and then to come home and spend time w/ family. She wrote him love letters, would make demands on him to be with her, started to give him the evil eye when he would talk to other women, all in all, she started acting like his wife, not his lover. That is when it changed for him. He began to open his eyes and realize that she wasn't all that. That he could not imagine a life with her because she was too irresponsible, too selfish, etc. But he was trapped at that point and it took him months to finally get out of it...he would go back and forth. she would make him feel guilty for leaving her alone with no one.

I wish my H would buy me flowers for no reason too. He never was one to do that and still isn't. Even for our anniversary, he didn't do that. I wanted to tell him, after everything that happened this past year, you couldn't bring me flowers...his view is similar to F&L's that the H must be trying to cover something up. Well, funny, that he never brought me flowers during the A either...

We will never know if they will cheat again. It is impossible to predict. My H never planned to cheat, would not have thought he would, because he was always attracted to me. This is what he tells me--after being together almost 15 yrs, I am still attracted to you. you are still sexy and beautiful. That is saying alot. I was never leaving you...I just got lost, felt rejected by you...

I think that Communication is the key. If both spouses feel comfortable enough w/ each other to discuss the problems, ENs not being met, etc., before they get out of hand, then there is a pretty good chance that an A will not happen again. I believe my H learned his lesson . He learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence, and he is still paying for his mistakes every day.

F&L, you mentioned in your last post that everything is written down at the time of your birth. I wonder, do you believe in astrology? I ask this because while I am not a strong believer, I got a reading from a psychic/astrologer in December. This was a gift from a friend of mine who is very into this. What she told me made alot of sense to me...Basically I am in my midlife transition and my life is in chaos...this started last year (same as the A) and since my H was turning 40 last yr, he was also questioning his path in life, looking for new and exciting things...well to make a long story short, she said that the planets caused my world to crash in on me because the status quo could not go on any longer. Something had to happen to change it. This applied to my H's hrs and my work hrs conflicting so we never saw each other,(separate lives) as well as the A. She said that an earthquake needed to shake things up because things would not have changed on their own. She said that he did not love her but had feelings for her (he admitted this). That I need to evaluate my emotional needs and it is a time of great upheaval and questioning of my beliefs. I am surrounded by fire signs (Aries is my H, and my DS and my daughters are both fire signs) and I am an earth sign (Taurus) and the OW was a water sign (pisces). She said that fire scorches the earth and earth puts out the fire. It is a cycle. That it was meant to happen...

This made me feel a bit better and hopeful that things would work out. She also told me that she saw alot of love and commitment and that my H was Terrified of losing his family...absolutely petrified. This is true.

Well, that's enough for now. Sadtimes, welcome...please give us more info as to your age, etc and we will try to give you some advice. We have all been there. My H and I lived together almost 10 yrs before we got married so I can identify with how you are feeling. do you have any kids together?

I will check in later today. Sorry if I didn't comment on everything, there was too much I missed. i feel the same as you all. it's a roller coaster between feeling hopeful and wanting to do anything to work it out, and feeling depressed, and not caring to work it out...Hang in there!!!

Thank you all for the support.....I'm 40 just turned 40 in February my BF is 28 big age difference.....we are now in therapy together......the therapist told him he has low self-esteem....she asked him to name 5 things he doesn't like about me and he couldn't come up with anything......sometimes I wonder why I even want to be with him.....its a daily struggle lately to not thing about what he did to me......I do love him I always have even after what he did to me ....now I just hope he doesn't take advantage of that....To his credit I will say that he has quit his job since he knew there was no way I'd even consider getting back to him as long as they worked togehter....I'm just feeling a little blue today.....and maybe a little sorry for myself.....We have no children together but I do have an 8 yo daughter from my marriage...my BF has really been a father figure to her and she was very upset by the entire situation....he says that he never stopped loving me and that he knew right away he made a mistake but didn't know what to do....so let me see you decided to keep seeing her....I struggle so much with this at times....sorry I'm sure I'm making no sense right about now.....Thanks!

Hi Youngsters!

Just being funny! I just came back from shopping. Had my car window down and playing my tunes, loudly. What a beautiful day!

If you didn't go out there today yet, go out!

Mamafish: my husband says I kind of remind him of Pamela Anderson, but my boobs aren't quite like balloons and I don't have all the heavy makeup. She's one his favorites. I mean how fake those things are! He's such a boob man! My husband also said I was one of the most attractive women he knew - but did it matter? I guess not. Well, I'm not a movie star, don't have the money for plastic surgery - I have to rely on my genes. The unknown is much more interesting. I guess, I became "old hat" after a while. His male assistant in work asked him when he was getting divorced so he can marry me. The people he works with think I'm attractive and a great wife. Every once in a while I cook stuff for his men in work. Lot of these guys are single/divorced, so I cook and pack them a lunch. These guys think I'm a goddess! I can cook too!!!Ok,, enough of the funny stuff.

One thing I know is that I always turned my husband on - we never had a problem with that. He told me when he was first intimate with the OW, after he saw her, he just couldn't get excited - you know what I mean. If you saw her, you would know also! She made all the advances - he told her he never did this before - did she want to go ahead. Of course she did!!! Stupid tramp!!!I can honestly believe this. When you are going into an affair - you have no idea of what the other person looks like, or acts like when they are intimate. But, he too, felt bad for her and couldn't tell her he wasn't into her. So, he just kept me dangling along - it's ok to do that to your wife!!!!

Midlife crisis! 40! Big deal!!!! That's just an excuse to cheat! I turned 40, nothing happened. I still say if men had children and cared for them, things would be different.

MF: Yes, the reason your husband backed out of the affair is because it started to get real, not a fantasy, she started acting like a wife.

You know, my husband acted and treated me like I was a second class citizen and I still didn't cheat - I loved him no matter what. I often told him even if he had his d--- cut off, I wouldn't leave him. I wonder if he could say the same - no d--- of course.

Yes, my husband also didn't think that he would "blow" everything he ever had. How could he not? But, once I confronted him, he came down to reality. The biggest reality was when the OW charged him with harassment and then they asked him to resign.

MF, I'm not into astrology, but I told you before, I always get insights. Sometimes, I get such a strong feeling about something. The day that my husband was charged with the harassment I had the worst nightmare. I woke up and told my husband before he went to work to watch out. You don't know how many times this has happened to me. Also, when I first meet someone, I can see "thru them" and almost know if they're sincere or not. My family relies on this - they always ask me about my thoughts on people.

Even before I found out who my husband was having an affair with the OW I had a dream about it. I even told him of it. He told me I was crazy.

Every year I go out dancing with my husband. We boogie all night! When I see the single guys out there, it makes me glad I’m married – some of them are such losers, alcoholics, cheaters, don’t want any of them – makes me glad when I can go home with my hubby. Will never stop dancing.

Sadtimes: Give us a little bio of you. I’ve been thru so much, more than you’ll ever know and I am still not giving up hope. When you love someone, it doesn't matter how old they are, what they do, what they look like, where they come from, you love them no matter what. Love conquers all.

Have a good night all! Talk to you tomorrow.

Wow this thread is jumping huh? Mama thats really interesting what your friend had to say. I have often thought of finding a really good pyschic. Wouldnt it be great to hear from someone that it wouldnt happen again?

My friends all went to psychics in Altlantic City one year when we were first married and I was the only one who didnt go...not because I didnt believe I had no opinion one way or another but truly was not interested in how my life would turn out. How many kids I would have boys or girls. My how life changes. What I wouldnt give to see how it is all going to work out and maybe a little hex on OW while I am there...just kidding...not really haha.

The truth is as much as I feel a weird competition with her she doesnt matter. My H never loved her. Like he always says she could have been a crack pipe. She was just something new to try like a drug. He too said he couldnt even get excited when he started fooling around with her because it wasnt really about the sex (similar to what they say about rape) it was about the power and for my H the drug of feeling wanted and needed. Her hanging onhis every word when all I could muster up was "hand me a diaper". Still I wish he was stronger than that. As much as I read about my responsibility I just cant see it as justification for what he did.

Forgiveness is so hard for me I have never been forgiving it is something I really have to teach myself. I feel like by forgiving him I am saying its ok you did this and by saying that he will think its not a big deal if he ever feels like doing it again. I never thought I would forgive him or even try and so did he thats why he tried so long to hide it from me. Uhhhhh...big sigh...very sad life is so sad sometimes. I am trying not to think too much about it today and focus on the present and the future. He is rightnow who I have wanted him to be for so long. I am trying to enjoy life TODAY. As David Letterman said "just because you lived your life today doesnt mean you will tomorrow". Sieze the day ladies...must be spring talking....it symbolizes a new start right? Have a good night everyone.
HF

This is the same for me! My husband had four years of dealing with the horrible guilt for his 2NS and now he keeps telling me how he can finely breathe after all this time. He feels great to have gotten it out in the open and to not be living a lie with me, but at the same time now I am the one who has to deal with it. He is being great though and I know that is horribly painful for him to watch me go through this. He always says "US" though. "WE" will get through this.

I too a fearful that we will recover and move forward with our lives and I will again be happy, and then BAM years later it happens again. I have told him that it would literally kill me to go through this again. He swears that he could never put me through this again, but of course I doubt. He says that he is willing to work the rest of his life to fix what he has destroyed and will keep helping me work through the trust and fear and pain I feel for as long as it takes. And he will stick by me and love me and cherish me and if only it is on my death bed that I can finally say I forgive him, that is all he needs from me.

He is willing to do that and I believe it is true, but sometimes that doubt creeps back in. It is hard to fight off. I know my husband is a different man then he was four years ago, but it is still really hard and I hope that it gets easier over time.

F&L,

I didn't go out yet but I'm getting ready to leave the office at 5. Everyone says it is beautiful out.

I am wishing your H good luck on his interview tomorrow. I hope he gets it. My H's coworkers and friends also thought he was so lucky to have me as a wife...He says that I look like Catherine Zeta Jones--dark hair and eyes...he also said he had a "problem" the first time with OW... but then somehow they managed to get through it. I think he figured that he did it once, and didn't get caught, it got easier and easier for him to justify it in his mind.

I love my H too but I don't want him to think that he can do anything and I will still take him back. Right now we are going through a real tough time and I am doubting his love and respect for me. I know that I love him and when we get along, it is wonderful... I just don't feel the commitment to recovery on his part. I have made alot of positive changes that he has noticed, and he has made some, but is still not meeting alot of my ENs. I think I am just at the low end of the rollercoaster and feeling sorry for myself.

As for the astrology, my other friend that knows about the A, says that is all BS...She says, of course the astrologer can say it is an MLC, she sees how old you are and figures it out...I'm not consulting the psychic for anything else, but thought it was interesting. I find that my H and I have the true Aries/taurus relationship.

Intuitions can be very good and scary at the same time. I think that you need to listen to your instincts. I wish that I didn't doubt my feelings that something was really wrong...I was in denial and didn't want to know. That's what I think it was, now that I look back on it.


Anyway, Sadtimes, hang in there. Have you read the Dr. Harley books, Surviving an affair and His Needs Her Needs? If not, you need to read them.. You can print alot of info off this site, and the Emotional Needs questionnaires. Do them with your BF and compare notes. There is a reason(s) that he had the A...he needs to figure out why he did it.
You are really early into Recovery so you will find that your feelings will go up and down. I know that mine still are.

Is your BF open and honest and willing to answer qts about the A? Is he being transparent w/ his activiites, whereabouts, cell phone calls and messages?

Have a good night ladies. Thanks for the words of support. It helps to know that we are not alone in this struggle...

Sad times.

Don't worry about the age difference. I'm 10 yrs. older than my husband and we've been together for over 20 yrs. The age difference never mattered - we didn't look different or act different. The only thing is he had a lot of growing up to do - your BF may also. I supported us in the beginning, paid bills, rent, and sent him thru school. But, once he started moving up in his career, it paid off. Now I can stay home - well, maybe not too long.

My husband also worked with the OW, his secretary. At first he refused to leave after he broke it off. In the long run, she charged him with harassment and he was asked to resign. Tomorrow is his last day. My D-day was 6/05.

Long and rough road. First couple of months very the worst times of my life. It's hard working on your relationship when you're the only one working on it. When your spouse is stubborn as a mule and thinks he knows everything and is different than everyone else.

One thing I don't understand is all these guys who cheated didn't actually feel attracted to the OW physically. Then why in heck did they continue? If I wasn't attracted to a guy, I certainly wouldn't continue the relationshp, especially if I already was involved with someone else. Are these guys for real? And, why can't they break it off? Did any of them hear the phrase - we're through - it's over!!! Why was it so easy to lie to us? Makes me wonder.

Hoping for: Do you live in Jersey? I see you mentioned Atlantic City. I do, central Jersey.

So, MamFish you look like Catherine Zeta Jones, ha, that's my husband's other favorite movie star. She is beautiful. When he saw Zorro, he said Catherine Zeta Jones would be his next Mrs. I said yeah, sure, maybe if you had a million dollars.

Talk to all of you tomorrow. Got to bring my daughter to softball practice.

Is ther hope
I am very interested to talk with you I have not met anyone who is learning about an A that took place a long time ago. I sometimes feel like I am a whiner because its so old news but my pain is so real like it happened yesterday. I would love to hear your story and how you found out why he fessed up for my H it was the guilt eating away at him he couldnt leave OW alone had to keep telling her how wonderful h is life was and how miserable hers was until she sent me a letter. Your H sounds a lot like mine his confession freed him and he is sorry and ready to move on after spending so much time hurting himself.

Mama Im sorry you are feling so down I know sometimes it feels hopeless for me.

I think we all have to just live each day and try to make it a good one. Recovery is so hard and I know Mama that you wont make any quick decisions. Maybe next month or in the summer you will feel in love again. Sometimes I feel so much despair from this its unbearable. I am commited to surviving this one way or the other.

As far as intution I remember driving wiht my H in 2004 and asking him why he changed and he avoided the question and I remember saying it better not have bben another woman and I remember breaking down and crying and I told him just cause Im crying doesnt mean I wont kick your a$$. Why would I cry if deep down I didnt think it was a possibility? I must have known but if someone had asked me 4 months ago I would have bet my life he never did that. So funny how your mind protects you from what will hurt you.

F&L My H said he was attracted to her but she was not fabulous. Not half as pretty as I am yadayadayada. I know for him especially then he would have said no if its what he wanted he said in the beginning he was afraid she would tell so he didnt break it off finally he said it was still fun she was makingme feel special blah blah blah. I felt real special feeding 2 infants all night while he was with her. Oh its so painful to think about what I musthave been doing then.

F&L good luck withthe interview today. I hope he gets it!

H and I had a blow out today and am feeling so beat up rightnow. I drove bythe site where those kids were killed today nd there were some kids gettingout of a car bawling to go see the site filled with teddy bears etc. So sad! My friends little girl needing to have a limb amputated. There is so much sadness in this world I know I should be happy I stillhave my H and my family thank God for that. StillI feel lost today like the world is just too rough or I am just too weak today to deal with it.

Hope everyone is doing well as can be today. Enjoy the day. BY the way F&L I am in MA just on vacation in Jersey that year. Take care
HF

Istherehope,
Welcome, and yes, there is always hope. We are all in the same boat here.

F&L,
I will never understand how the As continued. I think that my H felt trapped...he did not see any way out. She was threatening to tell me and he probably believed that I would throw him out (I would have thought it too)... The OW in my case was reasonably attractive (I think) and her attitude/SF behavior must have made up for whatever she was lacking. I think that the lies got easier to tell because after a while, there was no truth , only lies. It just got tough to remember all the lies.

I don't think that I look like Catherine ZetaJones. I was surprised when he said that. Mind you, I didn't Correct him or anything, but I was surprised that he would compare me to her...:) Made me feel GREAT!!

HF, I'm not focusing on forgiveness right now. I feel that I can forgive one day, but I'm not there yet. Maybe someday.


Have a good weekend ladies,

Hi ladies,

I just came inside for a break. Went out early this morning to clean the leaves off our pool cover. I'm the only one that can walk around the ledge, because I'm small - my husband would bend the ledge, so it's my job. I think there's a hole in the liner because the water level is so low- maybe 2 ft. I usually clean all the leaves in the fall, after they all fall down. But, this year because of all the fighting and hurt I was feeling, I couldn't do it. Just didn't have the energy for anything. It's a pretty big above the ground pool, but my husband doesn't do anything with it. I cover it, undercover it and take care of it in the summer. I like working outside - keeps my mind off things. Keeps me in shape too. I'm not afraid of hard work.

As soon as it gets warm - I'm out there - even when I was working full time. I told you the guy across the street thought I was a widow - never saw my husband outside - only me. My husband is originally from the city, so he's not that much into doing stuff outdoors. Lucky he mows the lawn once a week in the summer - sometimes, I have to do that too. Can't do the whole thing in one shot - about an acre.

MF, you don't look like Catherine Z Jones - well I don't exactly look like Pam Anderson - I have blonde hair though. My husband just says I remind him of her, minus the huge balloons.

Hoping: I just want you to know that everyone has premonitions and psychic powers - they just don't know how to empower them. I watch Sylvia Browne sometimes - I'm just quoting her. I read some of her books. – she’s one of the good ones – she helped catch the serial rapist Ted Bundy for the police. But, I do believe some people have it more than others. When I meet someone new, I know in a couple of minutes, after talking to them and looking in their eyes, whether they are honest or not. I'm very rarely wrong. If someone can't look at you straight in the eyes, their eyes shift while they are talking, that's my first clue to how they are. Also, sometimes when talking to someone, they look thru you, it's hard to explain - I notice this right away. And, the older I get, the more accurate it gets. It's just on judging people, not winning the lottery or anything I WISH!

My husband called while I was cleaning the pool and said his interview went very well. They still have to get the final results of his background check - that should be no problem. If he doesn’t get this job - I don’t even want to think about that. I love my husband, but to have him home for longer than a week, he’ll drive me crazy. I can’t get anything done with him around all the time. When he’s home all he does is sit in the house, go on the computer, play games and shuffle papers around. I can’t sit still like that for such a long time.

Everyone, it seems all these guys did think they could do whatever they wanted. My husband told me he never once thought while he was having the affair that he would loose everything or that he would destroy his marriage - never entered his mind. They all felt special when they were boinking the OW??? He made me feel very special when he would come home at night and picked fights with me and then say I started it!!! He did this constantly, so he could go back the next day and have something to complain about to the OW. My husband also felt trapped – like I was treating him like a child. This is the guy that always said he was the boss of the house – it was his way or no way! But, yet he said he felt like a teenager when he was with the OW. – no cares, no responsibility.

It’s a good thing I can talk to you guys, because I can’t tell my husband a lot of the things I tell you. I get to vent, so when he comes home, I already got stuff off my chest. My husband and I can talk, but as soon as I say something to the effect of how he could have done this to me, he gets angry. He just wants me to forget everything, like it never happened. Tells me to stop living in the past. I don’t want to fight anymore – just go ahead. He also doesn’t me to go on MB - he says I’m airing out our dirty laundry.

Sadtimes: Hang in there - recovery takes a long time. At least you two are going to therapy - that's a good start. My husband in the beginning thought he didn't need therapy -said he didn't do anything wrong - there was nothing wrong with him. He told me I had the problem. You have to take each day by day. You will have your ups and downs. I have a question - how long have you two been going out? I don't want to say this or upset you, but if you are only going out - it's not a good sign that your BF is cheating. When you have a big age difference,you have a lot of obsticles against you right from the begining. You have the job of defying the odds. It can be done though - take it from me. it's a constant battle. If you guys stay together, wait till 10 years from now - that's when it gets hard - you'll be 50 and he'll be in his late 30's. In this world it's very hard being 50 and being compared to women in their 20's and 30's - that's just the way it is. My husband compares me to women half my age - never women my own age. Just keep this in mind. Guys can go out with women half their age and no one even blinks, but a women doing the same - it's like WOW - you robbed the craddle!

Well, I got to go back outside – ate a sandwich while I was typing. Have to finish the leaves on the pool cover. Have a good weekend if I don’t talk to you.