Forgiveandlove....no need to be sorry for anything you say I need to hear the truth....we have been togehter for 7 years lived together for 6 of those 7 years....it was like we were married.....he wanted to get married a few times but I just kept putting it off.....maybe something inside of me knew that it wasn't right....I don't know that is why I struggle so much with this......I think to myself I'm succesful have a good job I'm financially independent him he could never maintain the same life style we have together on his own....when I told him to leave he lived in a hotel room for a week....then got a little studio apartment has $5.00 in a checking account.....somedays didn't have money for food....and you guessed it it was all my fault....blamed me for everything.....I caught him in a lie last night told me the OW handn't contacted him I found out that she had emailed him on Monday....I called the OWs husband and told him that his wife was emailing my BF....I think had him call her and tell her no contact period....I told him he could either forward me the email or pack his bags and go.....I'm so twisted right now that I'm not sure I want this to work out........thanks again for all the advice.....

Hi Sad,

I just want to tell you that when a woman is older, things are a lot different - it really isn't accepted in society like you would expect. I did the same thing, like I said in the beginning, I was mainly the sole support. But, I had faith in my future husband I was determined to make our marriage work, no matter what. I knew that once he was on the right track, he would be succesful.

We fought a lot even in the beginning, because I wanted him to go back to school and be something. Believe me, he fought me all the way. Told me I was holding him down, I was telling him what to do, I was a "ball and chain". He went thru all the going out with his friends, drinking, etc. It seems everyone was against us, his family, his friends, even my friends. I was a lot mature and I thought all that stuff would pass. But little by little he grew up and realized that I was the one that was always there for him. I was the one that always supported him. We defied the odds.

You know I was married once before and I was so determined that this marriage was going to work, no matter what. You may also be hesitant about marriage, because your first one didn't work out. That's why I think you are afraid to make the commitment. You are afraid of failing again.

Then when he turned 40, he turned crazy. Thought he didn't do a lot of things when he was young - missed out on a lot of things. Not that he hadn't gone out with other women. But, because I was older, he thought I had lead a whole life time before him - so he wanted to get even. Guys get a little stupid when they hit that so called "Mid Life Crisis Time".

Yes, in the beginning and even now, everything always turns out to be my fault. Somehow it is twisted around and it's my fault. Through out our marriage, I'm always to blame for everything.

I went thru all the same thing like I said, my husband was still working with the OW for months, and months. Told me that's the way it was going to be, take it or leave it. He refused to budge. He had contact with her every day. I can't begin to tell you how I felt. To have your husband work side by side with someone he was intimate with. Just the thought of them together made my stomach turn.

I pleaded and pleaded for him to do something to separate them. I was being unreasonable to him. I just couldn't understand. I even suggested he post on MB, so he can get some insight and maybe some advice. Well, all he got was bashed from eveyone on the site, because of his back-ages values. So, he stopped posting on MB - made me delete everthing I posted - didn't want any information to be viewed by anyone in the future. He didn't want anyone to find out about his affair - it would ruin his reputation.

I caught him in so many lies, after a while I didn't know what was true and what wasn't. He would lie to protect me - knew I would flip out if I found out the truth. They just don't understand how important it is to be honest with us. It may hurt to begin with, but then you get over it.

How about the OW bringing your husband coffee every morning, when they are not supposed to have any contact? Or them having a meeting in their office? This is the stuff I had to put up with. But I did. Why, because I love him.

When you love someone you do what you feel is the right thing. Listen to your heart. Many people on MB, told me to throw my husband out, leave him - I refused. I knew my husband and how unreasonable he was, but in the end, it's working out slowly. He may be younger than I, but he is the love of my life. I will do anything to keep our marriage.

If the OW is married, tell her husband - I'm sure he would like to know. Your BF will be mad, but don't protect the OW. 7 years is a long time - many people have been married and divorced in less years. As I told the others on this thread, be determined, don't give up - tomorrow will be a better day. I've gone thru so much and I still have the strength to carry on. You can too, but you have to be patient and very determined.

I want to give you another bit of encouragement. My younger brother-in-law was going out with a girl and living with her for about a year or so. He left the state and married someone, (just a marriage of convenience - I'm not going into details)mind you he never broke off with his girlfriend - she had no idea. Then divorced her about a year later and his girl friend took him back - they've been together since. They've been together for about 8 years or so. I don't know when they're getting married - I'm waiting to be an aunt. But, anyway, things do work out, if you can forgive and move on.

forgiveandlove....I can't thank you enough....you have discribed my relationshp to a T....I have asked him over and over to go back to school etc....he tells me I'm always the boss always the one in charge.....started this A because she made him feel good about himself....she would bring him lunch everyday......doesn't want to tell me things because he doesn't want to hurt me....that is why he didn't tell me that she emailed him....he was there when I called her husband to tell him about her email contact he had no problem with me calling....he even sent her an email and BCC me on it telling her he wants zero contact with her.....we did have a good weekend....he is the love of my life and that is why I want this to work out....but when he breaks a promise to me it makes me wonder if I can ever trust him again.....I just don't want to be hurt again....Things between us have been very good.....we have another MC session tonight so we will see how that goes...the therapist told him he had low self-esteem...she asked him to name 5 things that he dislikes about me or that annoy him he couldn't come up with anything....then finally he said well this isn't really me but I have to listen to it all the time from my dad our age difference.....he said he loved me and that I always supported him in everything that he did...he said she never questioned me always trusted me....he said he was embarassed by what he did and that is why he just wants to put it behind us and move on....sometimes I think I can and sometimes I don't think I can....he said he would show me his cell phone bill when it came in to prove to me that there hasn't been any contact with her except for that one email that I happened to find because he left it email account open......I want to be with him I do but I worry that I'll be hurt all over again and I think it is making me build up a wall....I'm hanging in there....Thanks again.....

I hope you all had a nice weekend. The weather here in the Northeast was spectacular...beautiful and spring is here. Flowers blooming...

F&L, What you said about your H never thinking he would lose everything or his M during the A is also just like my H. He never thought about that. He didn't think at all about consequences, he admitted this to me. This was at the beginning of the A when it was going well, and even at the end of it. But at the end, the last few months, he said he was anxiety ridden, guilty, depressed, nervous that I would find out...I did notice this but he said it was stress on the job....He also would come home and turn things around on me and say I started a fight, I was never happy, always complaining...then he would leave to go see her. Again, this was in the happy stages of the A that he would go to her. Later, when he would go to her for comfort, to get away from me, she would get mad at him and tell him "you only come see me when you have a fight w/ your wife" so he would go hang out w/ his friends and come back home after I was asleep. He didn't complain much to OW about me because she would get furious at any mention of me. I think she tried to make herself believe that I didn't exist, that he didn't have a family. That he was only hers. This is what she wanted...When he was at work and talking to coworkers, she would give him evil looks like why are you talking to her? Very jealous person. Had to be the center of his attention at all times. But getting back to how he would pick fights. He would be gone sometimes for days, due to his work schedule, and then come home and would want everything to be happy and perfect so he could have quality time with us. Didn't want to listen to me ask him to do anything, or make any kind of complaint/have an attitude. Any remark I made would get turned around on me, and make it my fault. Even when we had planned family outings to a baseball game, or the circus, he would be in a bad mood before the event, and then we would have a fight and end up driving in silence. I think now that it was because she gave him such a hard time about him doing these things with us, especially when these things cut into her time with him. Sometimes it makes it easier to deal w/ how he treated me when I realize that she was behind alot of his actions. It makes me understand why he treated me like this, that it was so he could justify his actions, and to make himself feel better about himself and what he was doing. It still hurts, but somehow it makes the lies easier to take, in a way. Don't know if this makes sense but that's how it is.

My H also says I have to move on and stop living in the past. He makes reference to it sometimes and I have learned to try to speak about it briefly at those times and not keep at it. Like this weekend, we were watching The Parent Trap w/ the kids and the new fiancee of the Husband/father told him that he had to choose between her and the kids, and he chose the kids...so my H says He can't understand how she could think that he would choose her over his kids (the movie)...then he says, just like that person that I strayed with...she was telling people that I was leaving my family to be w/ her...I would never do that. I wasn't leaving my family. She couldn't even take care of her own kid, why would I want to leave my family for her? " I said that she could never understand why you wouldn't leave your kids for her because she doesn't have that connection to her child that you have w/ your kids. She doesn't know that side of you at all"...I wanted to elaborate further, but stopped. He looked like he was really thinking about that, like he had never realized it before, that she only fell in love w/ the part of him that he showed her. Not the whole man, like I know and love.

I guess I resemble Catherine ZJ...like you said about you and Pamela A...My H always tells me that women could be my sister, when they have dark hair/dark eyes...he'll see someone w/ those features and say, she could be your sister...

Well, gotta get back to work now...Hope you are all having a good day so far.

will check in later

Sadtimes,

Listen to the advice from F&L...it takes time to really open yourself up again. It is too early for you to give up...Hang in there and vent here w/ us. It really helps...

Your BF is showing you that he is committed to your R by going to MC and being transparent w/ his phone bill...Continue to expose any contact with OW's H...If you are both committed to the R and love each other, you can make your R better...

Hi Ladies
Hope everyone had a nice weekend. What great weather! Spring is here....although forcast looks crumby for rest of the week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Had a HUGE fight with H on Thurs night about nothing and it set the tone for the weekend. Just had the blues all weekend. I am getting frustarated with my recovery. I just want to feel good but all those thoughts are in my head. Why did he need something else? Why wasnt I enough? Self pity.

H says I give her too much power. Why does she bother me so much "we won". So I was thinking "we won". First of all I didnt know there was a competition. Second of all I thought when he asked me to marry him I had won his heart already. This OW probably only thought of me once or twice I am just so sick of thinking about her and how a married woman with children could do something like this wiht a man who swears he told her he was "happily married" just looking for some fun. Boy what fun that turned out to be! What fun I am getting out of this now!

Part of me wonders if he knew what he knew now would he make the same choice? Different from would he do it again. I mean the same situation what would he do? Talk to me about it? Tell herup front he doesnt fool around? Or would he make the same decision for selfish reasons and take the consequences. Deepdown does it give him alittle pleasure even now as much as he regrets it is it a feather in his cap? As a midlifer does it make him feel good to know he bagged this bimbo like hes still got it?


MF you wrote
Sometimes it makes it easier to deal w/ how he treated me when I realize that she was behind alot of his actions. It makes me understand why he treated me like this, that it was so he could justify his actions, and to make himself feel better about himself and what he was doing.

This is so true for me I think I have mentioned before that he struggled for years and even though I knew he loved me this was the missing piece to the puzzle. I gueess in some ways alot of ways I thought his distance was my fault. Like he was less in love wiht me or something. His confession relieved me of feeling like it was me that was the reason he was acting that way. In reality it was him.

THe more I read here I hear people saying its not about the BS the A is about the WS. I am trying to grasp this but its a difficult concept for me. I still believe that he is half of us and does not operate alone. I still refuse to believe that I am alone in the world . Maybe b/c I dont want to be. i want him to be my partner in evverything and this was a horrible decision that he made for both of us that he knew would change us forever.

Like you MF my H didnt think aboutthe consequenses till the fog lifted and it was too late. Why and how he could rationalize or as he said compartmentatlize it I will never ever understand. Lkie I told him last night I will never understand that and he will never understand how real my pain is.

MF funny about your H realizing what kind of woman OW was. My H too he was so horrified b/c she had told him it was her 1st A likehim and thought they understood each other. I said to him who did you think would do something like this married with a married man who just had 2 babies and has 2 older kids? He was like ya youo are right. Of course doesnt excuse his actions from her H he knew she was married albeit unhappily so she said who knows the truth.

I wonder sometimes if he would have felt half as guilty had she not turned out to be such a low life with her other OM calling him and writingme anonymous letters. I wonder how much he would regret his actions or if he ever would have fessed up at all. Guess I will never know.

Hope all is well.
HF

Hi Everybody,

I also had a big fight with my husband last night. He finally left his job, but insists he has to do work for them - he's not getting paid any extra. They gave him a kick in the butt and he still wants to help them out - why? This is why we had the fight. I think he should just forget about them. He's not required to do any work. He told me to stop telling him what to do. Told him it was his business and he'll do what he wants. He also called me a few choice words again. I so tired of being put down - I never did anything to him. I'm so tired of him telling me this.

I told him he actually got fired, didn't he? Well, he blew up and said, no he resigned! When someone asks you to leave isn't that actually getting fired? He's teling everyone this - he's actually starting to believe it.

Well, so it went, back and forth. I started crying because I always feel he thinks I'm against him - I don't know why. He also insists on deleting things he looks at on the computer - and all it is, is simple nonsense. He feels he has to hide things from me. He thinks I'm going to use evidence against him. I just don't know why.

This morning when I woke up - my eyes were almost shut - they swell up when I cry. Had to wear sunglasses.
He's driving me nuts. He better get a job soon.

We still have our ups and downs. It just never ends. We made up though.

It's raining here now - I guess we had enough of nice days.

Well, I hope you guys are better today than I was yesterday. Hope all is well. I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

Good night.

F&L
Sorry to hear about your fight with your H. One thing I read from MamaFish was that she was not going to accept the pre A marriage she had. That really sticks with me. I will not go thru any more pain and I will not tolerate being called names or made to think I am crazy or weak for mnot recovering from his A quickly enough.

It has been about him so long I forget about me myself. You are right you did nothing wrong. I agree the his position is terminated he should stop working for them. That seems ridiculous especially after what he went thru there. Its a fine mess he got himself into but none of this will help him to see your point. I have found that if I want my H to listen I need to whisper all the yelling just puts him on the defensive. He probably knows he did the most horrible thing he could to your marriage and is feeling like he needs to put you down to feel better about himself??/ What do you think? Its a possibility. Its hard to remeber that they are hurting too but its true. Their choice but still they hurt probably as much as we do.

What do you think he is hiding on the computer? I only ask b/c I have heard that As are an addictive behavior. I know for my H he was looking for a thrill when it was over and went online to chat lines and was flirting at work. He says he never would have done anything but I have seen some of the stuff he did online and before I knew about the A would not have taken it so seriously. My dad was a soft porn guy always had a playboy on hand so I think my standards are pretty low and I am lenient that way. Now I think no way is that ever going to be part of your life.

I really never minded the porn now I look at things differently. Maybe your H isnt looking at that stuff anyway maybe hes just paranoid that you are going to be overly sensitive to anything just thinking of my own situation.

Thanks goodness for sunglasses. I love the sunny days. I have been crying so long no one thinks I look any different. Only once did someone ask me and I said I forgot to put eyeliner and mascara on. Mt girlfriend was crying the other day and I thought geez if I looked like that the cat would be out of the bag in no time!

Hope you have a better night!
HF

It must have been fight night last night....I had a fight with my BF....its the little lies at this point that make me crazy....I told him yesterday I don't think you are capable of telling the truth....he just lies about everything....we had another session with the therapist yesterday she wants to see my BF by himself next time she says he has an avoidance personality and will lie to avoid any confrontation at all not to mention he has low self esteem.......we'll see what happens from there.....I do think he finally gets the fact that if he continues to lie our recovery will take so much longer and may not happen at all....how do you rebuild a relationship on lies??? somedays I'm fine other days I'm not it that damn roller coaster........I told him in front of the therapist that I need time to heal and I don't know how long that will take but if he can't give me the time then this relationship just isn't going to work out......I'm feeling bettter today for no paticular reason.......Its funny its it how they try to turn their guilt and their poor decisions around on us....My BF left his job he said that the 12 people he work with including the OW wanted to take him out didn't ask me to go with him assumed I wouldn't want to go said it was no big deal if she was going to be there because its over between the two of them.....long story short he isn't going not that is matters because they never set anything up anyway....but we'll see you never know they might call...but he said he realizes he can't go I think he wanted me to feel bad for him....I just told him you made your decision now live with the outcome of those decisions....Enjoy the day!

Hey ladies,

Fights all around...gotta copy all these posts so I can put them in Word to read, and then respond...lots of writing here...

Will post later this am with my ramblings...

Hey Ladies,

I'm back. Boy, it sounds like we all had fights last night, and the bottom line is that our men do not want to change...they want to move on like nothing happened, change the history of what happened (F&L--your H's situation with his job is a good example of that)...I know it is hard for all of them to accept what they did and that the guilt is eating them up...this is why they treat us this way, to make themselves justify their actions at the time of the A, and they are continuing to do it now..

I wish that I was as strong as I appear to be when I say that I won't accept the pre A marriage. I don't want to accept it but we are slowly sliding back towards it. I am fighting it tooth and nail...Last night we had a fight also. Well actually it started yesterday morning (mon morning). I was running late and trying to get everything done w/ the kids and getting myself ready. My H asked me to do something and I snapped at him that I didn't have time, I was late as it is and had just enough time to get out the door without doing any extra thing. He got mad, says it ruined his whole day and attitude. I apologized. He called me at work (where I can't talk freely as I work in an office w/ cubicles so there is no privacy)...continued to tell me how it was my fault, that I had no reason to act like that, etc. I apologized again. He said that I need to go to bed earlier so I won't wake up cranky (I agreed)...Last night, when I got home, I gave him a kiss , told him I was sorry I shouldn't have snapped, etc. He goes on to say that he is trying to get over this but it's the little things that bother him, and we are moving one step forward two steps back. We are not moving forward, etc. I try to explain that he is right, that we need to work on the M (do the EN qts and LB qts) but then he starts watching the Basketball game so we stop talking... I told him this morning that it seems like it is okay when he is grumpy and snaps at me, but on the one occasion in months when I do it to him, he goes to an extreme. I said it's like I cannot have any emotions because when I get upset, he turns it back on me...Anyway, I'll see if he will be receptive to the MB stuff, if I approach him in a way that it will help US to move forward, and me, because when my ENs are being met, I feel more optimistic about the M and am more easygoing, etc. My problem is that I feel that I have made alot of changes to meet his ENs and he is not doing that.

And yes, HF, the truth is that the A was all about the WS, not the BS...And I think that maybe our Hs (and BF) would NOT make the same decision if faced w/ that scenario again. This is something that I HAVE to believe, if I am going to move forward into recovery. That they have learned that even if we did not know about the A , that we got hurt...that they did do something to jeopardize their M and everything that they had (career, kids, wife, home)...that the SF was not worth it, that they were loved at home even if they didn't see it, that it was their miscommunication and failure to communicate the problems they felt in the M that was a reason for the A....there are many lessons that I hope they have learned...That the A did not solve the problems in the M, that SF with an OW does not compare to the great SF and love that they get with their W/GF. That the OW was aware of the wife and family situation and that they chose to cheat anyway and was not a good person by this very fact. I think that they do get it. They just can't express it to us. They thought they were doing something to make themselves feel good, and it worked for a while, but in turn, they ended up feeling worse about themselves.

The revelation that the OW is not all that takes some time for the WS to realize. When they can't justify it any longer because they see that she only saw one side of him...not the whole man that we as their wives and girlfriends love. When reality hits and they realize she is not the fantasy that they portrayed. My H even said that he understood why men visit prostitutes, because then there are truly no strings attached....

Well, that's all I have time to post for now. I hope you are all doing well.. .My eyes were also really puffy this morning, but no sunglasses as it is overcast and rainy today...My H even said this morning when I was rushing around, you didn't even do your makeup yet, you're late again....I said, I did do my makeup, it just looks like crap, that's all!

MF
I know what you mean about being strong enough to stand up for wht you want. I always remember a freind of mine telling me when I was first married about her H and his demands and I thought boy I would NEVER put up wiht that. The truth is is during that 4 years of his guilt I put up wiht a ton of stuff I thought I never would. I certainly NEVER thought I would put up with him having an A!

What can you do? If you cant get thru? Its hard for me to remember how hurtful he was. He was just mean sometimes because he hated himself for doing it. He made me so miserable. I remember one tues am my cleaning lady was coming in and I was trying to hide my tears and I thought geez last week I was crying when she came hey wait a minute the week before I was crying whenshe came in. Life just goes on and you trudge thru the day without realizing how bad it is.

I remember telling my best friend how he had changed. I remeber saying to her what can I do if he wont listen to what I need fromhim? Its true how do you get them to change? You cant they have to want to. I remember telliong him I had no choices I either had to put up with his BS or leave.

Not that the entire 4 years had been horrible but something was wrong and he had always been so good to me I knew something was wrong and I suffered because of his guilt.

I think back on it now and it angers me I feel like he owes me now. All the stuff I put up with because of this....for what? What a HUGE mistake he made. How am I ever going to get past this?

Wel thats all I have to say today I am actually having my 1st decent day in about 10 days so I am going to try to "be still" for awhile and enjoy it. Hope everyone is doing well today. Will check back later
HF

HF,

I'm glad that you are having a good day. Be still....LOL

I totally understand what you are saying about all you put up with for what?? This is how I feel. I put up w/ all your crap for all this time. I try to get over the feeling of what he SHOULD be doing (falling at my feet, trying to make it up to me, etc), but at the same time, I feel like he should be doing more...

I talked to him around lunchtime. He said that he really hates how we are living lately, and that we really need to get on the same page...I think this is a good opening for me to bring up MB tonight. He has an appt w/ his IC on Friday and I would like to get some MB stuff done before then so he can get an opinion from his IC on what we have been doing...He has been very depressed and having mood swings lately. I wonder if it is because he sees what a tough time I have been having. I don't think he really knows how unhappy I was pre=A and during the A, so therefore he thinks that he doesn't really need to change. Like he thinks, well the A is over so now we can move on. But, unless he makes changes also, my resentment is just going to keep building and building.

This is what I DON"T want. I'm not so afraid of this happening again in 10 or 20 yrs as some of you said in earlier posts. What I am more afraid of, is that I will not truly heal and forgive. And then in a few years, my resentments will have built up to the point that there is no M left to recover. That is really my greatest fear at this point, since everything is so shaky.

There is a good post on the Recovery forum, asking something like, will I ever love him the same again? There is a really good response from a BS that is 3 yrs from DDay and she says how it was a long tough road but her M is much better than before, and they even had another baby (1 yr old, they had 3 already at the time of the A)...It is really inspiring to read and gave me some more hope to hang in there...

Have a good night everyone~!

Hi Everyone,

This is the second day my husband is home - feels like a week already. All of a sudden he has tons of stuff to do - can't help with anything around the house. He doesn't know what to do with himself – I could think of so many things. Funny, isn't it?

My husband has a small professional business at home that he had for a couple of years. I do the administrative work for him – all the running around. So today I had to drive him around because he didn’t know where the various vendors, clients were. We have to share my car, because he had to give his company car back when he left. My daughter uses his car to commute to college.

After the argument we had on Sunday, as usual, he decided that he shouldn't be doing any more work for his previous employer. If they want him to do something, he wants them to pay him. It's always the same thing; he fights with me, tells me not to tell him what to do - then he thinks about it - and does what I said in the first place. Does this make sense? This always happens.

The new job looks very good. I told him maybe he had to go thru this bad lesson, to get out of his old job – to get the job he always wanted. But, I don’t know why I had to be involved in the lesson also?

Hoping For: I just want to tell you, my husband is hiding things because he thinks I'll get mad/upset at what he's looking at. He looks at sights like, how to file a civil case, information on me (people finders), information on him, police cases, divorce cases, and criminal cases. He's not contacting the OW or porn sites. He thinks someone maybe his previous company or the OW is going to bring him to court - he's obsessed with this. He thinks everyone is out to get him, including me. He thinks I'm gathering information to use against him, in some kind of court case or something. This does get me upset because it's getting ridiculous now. He thinks he can't trust anyone -even though I told him over and over again, I'm not going anywhere - I'm not going to do anything to him – I can’t get this thru his head.

Sad Times: its hard being with someone that’s a lot younger. They have this need to be in control of everything – this will always be for the duration of your relationship. My husband always thought I was pushing him, telling him what to do. Maybe I pushed my husband when he was younger into, getting his education, pursuing a rewarding career, buying a home and having children. I always put him and his career first. But, because I did this, he is the most successful in his family – but he will never give me any credit for this. He thinks and tells everyone he did everything by himself. Will never compliment me, especially to his parents. Mind you when I met him he was only 20.

The hardest thing to deal with, when my husband and I got together, was/is my husband’s dad – what a macho jerk. He hated me because I was older and according to him I was “an experienced woman”. He told my husband not to stay with me or marry me because he would never amount to anything – I would drag him down. I even gave my husband the chance to leave me, but he wouldn’t. He said he loved me anyway.

When we decided to get married – his father was totally against it – didn’t even come to our wedding – just to prove a point. You don’t know how this hurt me. This made me even more determined to make our marriage work. Eventually, he tolerated me – I guess he figured I wasn’t going anywhere. Even when my husband had the affair – his dad told my husband he should do what he wants – he shouldn’t do what I ask – he’s the man. If I don’t like what he did or is doing, he should throw me out. He thought it was perfectly fine having my husband work with the OW – who cares what your wife thinks!!! Nice huh???? This is some of the stuff I had to put up with.

MamaFish: There was a good movie on “lifetime” last night “Fatal Desire”. A married woman cheating on her husband. Funny thing though – when the woman went to meet the OM and they got intimate, my husband started calling her a slut, tramp, etc. I said what????? How come when a woman cheats – she’s a slut. And how come you didn’t think the OW was a slut when you were seeing her – said he wasn’t thinking right – now he thinks she’s a slut. What do they call a guy who does that – a man!!!! He started laughing – it’s ok for a guy to do that – no one thinks anything of it. Do you believe that???

It’s something that as time is passing by my husband acts like he never had the affair. He thinks I should act the same way. He just wants to make believe nothing happened and he just left to get a new job – doesn’t even want to say anything otherwise. No one knows they told him to resign. So far as his dad knows, I told him to leave his job. This is because on D-Day I told him he had to either transfer the OW or start looking for a new job by April. – that’s 10 months. I think that was a good amount of time for him to do something to change the working conditions – he agreed to the transfer. But, he said he wasn’t leaving his job under any circumstances – I wouldn’t run his life. So he told his dad he left because I made him leave by April. I never told him to just quit his job. So his dad told him I lead him “around with a ring in his nose”. And I have his dad and the family over for Easter. I always have to “bite my tongue”.

I try, but it’s so hard. So many things remind me of it. It still seems like I’m doing all the work. I’m still hurt and upset at times because of the affair, but now because he doesn’t have a job; I have to walk around him on “egg shells” because he gets upset easily. I didn’t do anything, yet am I always the one that has to make sacrifices and he makes the demands.

F&L,

I understand everything you are saying in your post. My H also does not like me to tell him what to do, and then when he thinks about it, he reaches the same conclusion that I said. He gets upset at little things (okay, they are LBs because they are annoying behaviors), he can make mistakes and he doesn't want them brought up, but I make a mistake and he won't let it go...Like the whole thing this week about my snapping at him. How many times does he snap at me and I let it roll off my back and hold my tongue. I wrote above (and I think we were both writing at the same time) that I feel like he should be doing more.

I saw the commercial for that Lifetime movie. My H watched the commercial until he realized it was about an A, then he changed it. He would not sit there and watch this with me.

He also thinks everyone is out to get him, including me,that I never "had his back" and finally after Dday, he finally told me that he realized that I had always stood by him. Of course, now he forgets alot of the things he said after DDay. He said then that he would never again let the little things bother him, and that he knew I was a better person than he was, and that I truly loved him. Now it's like he has forgotten all of that...like he was just saying it to win me over.

I think that you were absolutely right to tell him that he had to leave his job, and you even gave him a lot of time. I think he is trying to just save face in front of his dad...

The double standard for WW and WS is incredible in this day and age...I wonder if my H would be as quick to move on if the situation was reversed. I think that during his A he was fearful that I was having an A, because he knew that he was neglecting me. He would ask me many times if I met anyone, where I was, etc...Would even ask me if I was interested in anyone, or fooling around w/ anyone. My response was always, no I'm not interested in anyone else. Plus who would be interested in a pregnant woman. I think this was his insecurity acting up.

Well, have a good night and I'll see you in the Am.

MF,

Watch the movie on "lifetime" - it's not so much based on an affair - that's just how it starts out. Your husband might want to watch it because the guy is the good guy, not the woman.

Why can't they listen to us in the first place - would save a lot of arguing and dumb mistakes.

It's so funny, when you guys write stuff, it's like I could be writing how you feel and how your husbands act. My husband even suggested, when I first found out about the affair, that if I wanted one to get even, he would understand. That was the last thing on my mind.

My husband's dad is a real jerk - always has been. It's just easier to blame me for him leaving the job - even if he told his dad they told him to leave the job - somehow it would turn out to be my fault. I don't know how that always happens.

I know what you mean about mistakes. 2 Christmas' ago, we were traveling to my future sister-in-laws parents house, with my dad and the kids in the car. Of course, my husband got lost because he didn't bring the directions. I asked him before we left, but he yelled at me and said he knew the way. Well, low and behold he was lost. We went around in circles a couple of times - but he still knew where he was going. We were stopped a a light, and for some reason he backed the car up - yup, right into another car.

We all looked at each other. He started making all kinds of excuses and said he did it because I was telling him which way to go. The fact is he didn't look in his rear view mirror, just backed up. I wasn't even talking at the time - no one was. My poor dad, he was shocked - didn't say anything.

Well, the cop let him go, because it was X-mas Eve. When we got to our destination, he started telling everyone how I made him get into an accident because of my big mouth and it wasn't his fault. Mind you it was my car. So, when me and the girls started saying it was his fault, he got angry, said it was not a big deal - told us to drop it.

After that if we ever mentioned the accident - he got angry and said forget it already - it wasn't may fault - stop bringing it up. We all know, if I would have cracked up the car - I would have never to this day heard the end of it. He'd be calling me a bad driver, dumb woman driver, yelling at me, everything.

When men make mistakes -they are little ones - not their fault - no matter how big they are. If we make mistakes - they always remind us of them, never forget them and everything is our fault.

Good night.

You hit the nail on the head about mistakes...stuff like that is always my fault. If we are driving somewhere, and we are making good time and I mention it, he will say I jinxed it. Then if we hit traffic, it's my fault...I'm like, Am I that powerful that I can control the traffic?! Puh-leez!! Little things get to him. My father was like this to my mother when I was growing up...Nothing she did was ever done his way (which was the right way of course), and never done to his satisfaction. After 20 yrs, she had enough and divorced him. When my H criticises/blames me, it bothers me so much because I never wanted to be in the M my parents were. This was even brought up in MC. The MC asked about our parent's Ms and asked if anything reminded us of theirs...So I mentioned the criticisms...H was kind of surprised. He didn't realize how harsh he sounds. Now he still does it, not as much, but he apologizes and doesn't make alot of the comments he used to. This also triggers me right back to how he treated me during the A when nothing was ever good enough for him.

As for your story about the car accident, same here. I have had only 2 accidents in my life. My H has had quite a few...I can't even count how many. Some were his fault, some not. I have gotten 1 speeding ticket. He has had to go to driver retraining at least 3 times due to speeding tickets. But I am the bad driver, drive too slow, can't keep up with him when I am following him....

Well we made up last night. I told him that if he wants to move forward in recovery, we need to get back to MB since we are not in counseling now. We have to do something to communicate and work on our M instead of just getting through the day. So he agreed. I will have to be the one to push on this, but I think that he will do it if I get it all organized.

Did you guys have snow this morning? we woke up to an inch of snow and now the sun is out...crazy weather!!

Talk to you later,
MF

MF,

Are you sure your husband and mine aren't related? No snow for us. This morning it was sunny, then it got dark and it rained - still cloudy.

I walk every morning, so since my husband is home - he walks with me. We had an argument while we were walking. Same old stuff, doesn't want me to tell him what to do, insists he resigned his job, acts like nothing happened - it's over, finished - he will not change - for me - no one.
I told him he can't go back to like he used to be - wants to be totally in charge - his way or no way. It's almost like he talks to me like he's my dad, not my husband. He says he just has a strong personality. So we came home at different times - he walked home ahead of me.

Then we had to bring the other car to get fixed - no back up lights - this is the one my daughter drives to school at night - needs to be fixed. So we came back together in my car. He said he was sorry. And so it goes - we argue, then we make up. Why do we always have to argue -this is what I told him - I'm tired of arguing. He just does such dumb things. He insists he has to make his own mistakes. But, I don't want me and the girls to be dragged down with him when he makes these.

I've never had an accident in my life - but, yet when I drive he's always directing me on how slow and how fast to go - to watch out.

Talk to you later.

F&L,

Maybe it's the Age that makes them so similar. My H's parents divorced when he was 7. He has an older sister (2 yrs older) who tried to dominate him and his mother is a strong dominating type (they live in VA and when we visit, she tries to dominate me). i think this is why he is like this. He takes anything I say as me trying to control him b/c of his background. When we are at his mother's house, he is hardly ever around because he can't take how she is trying to control what he does when he is there.

My H also tells me how to drive..when I drive w/ him in the car (an extreme rarity), he cannot take it...and neither can I...And another funny thing is that I am the one that taught him how to drive a stick shift...Whatever!!

We also have these cycles where we argue and then make up. He hates this and so do I. I hope that we can get to a point where we don't argue so much. I didn't vow to "obey" him in our M vows, but it seems like this is what he wants sometimes. A wife that will do whatever he says.

Now our snow is melted and the sun is out...

Next week I am home w/ the kids on school break. So I will not be posting much. Only if I go to the library (no computer at home)...so don't think I'm ignoring you all if I don't post...

Hope you are having a good day ladies!

MF,

We just argued some more. Now he's sleeping on the couch - he's busy. I can't write too much either, because he doesn't like me to write on here.

It started to snow a little here too. It's clearing up again.

I don't like to drive with him either - he's always telling me to watch out - almost made me get into an accident several times. He's a "front seat driver".

My husband got a lot of his thoughts/ideas from his dad/upbringing. His dad is the boss in his house and my mother-in-law does what ever he says. She doesn't drive - who would cook for him while she was driving? He always treated her badly (verbally, maybe physically abusive) when my husband and his brothers were kids. His mom is very passive, is easily intimidated. I hate him as a person, just deal with him because he is my F-I-L. He doesn't like me because I speak my mind - which he feels a wife shouldn't do. My husband always said he didn't want to be like his dad, but the older he got - he is getting just like him. His way of thinking was deeply rooted in my husband's head.

Got a funny story: When we got married, the priest told us what our marriage vows where going to be - but they deleted the "obey" part. My husband asked the priest why they don't say this anymore? The priest said they haven't said that in the vows for years. My husband asked if they could put that back in for us. The priest laughed - he didn't realize my husband was serious.

My husband wanted me to say "love, honor, obey, do the dishes, wash the clothes, do the yard, work, take care of kids, jump when I speak. Get what I mean?

I think my husband is just getting itchy because he doesn't have the job yet and is trying to drive me nuts.

I just want all this to end - no more fighting.