F&L,

That is funny about the vows....and my H would love for me to say those vows too..When I was pregnant, I used to tell him that he wanted me to just be barefoot and pregnant....a big one for him would be to say whatever he wants, and then when I say my opinion, if he doesn't agree, for me to just stop talking. This is how alot of our fights start. He just won't listen to my point of view. So I am trying to learn to speak in a way that it will not come across as trying to control him. I guess we need to do the LB questionnaires because I think if we try to avoid LBs on both sides, it will get better.

My H is also turning like his dad, who is not like your FIL, but he was very domineering to him as a dad. His voice will make you stop what you are doing (and I'm an adult). He catches himself saying stuff that his dad used to say and he hates it..I think it is hard to break these patterns.

No fighting==that would be a dream come true for me too. Will never happen, but I am trying to curb my reactions to what he does. If you try to stop your part, maybe that would help. I'm not saying don't speak your mind, but maybe, choose your battles...It is not easy for me to not speak my mind, when I feel like he is misjudging me or misinterpreting what I am doing. I feel like I have to defend myself and justify my actions...Learning to keep my mouth shut more, because I don't want it to escalate into something bigger NOT because I am obeying him....

Anyway, maybe you can find some things to occupy yourself while he is home. I can imagine he would be feeling antsy until he starts the new job. Now at least the weather is getting nice...

Have a good night...

I don't see how any of you are ever going to really recover your marriage untit you change YOUR attitudes. If you women would put as much effort in finding some good in your husbands as you do pointing out their faults on this site, your marriages may improve faster. Constant criticizm is getting you nowhere and all it does is fuel the habit of "complaining and moaning", which a few of you are doing very well. Criticizing your husbands father or mother is no way to make for a better marriage.

You won't get a man to feel or be closer to you with this constant criticizm of your husband's on here. Nobody is forcing any of you to stay with the men you are with. It is your own choice to put up with whatever you feel you are putting up with. It may be time for some of you to stop acting and talking like victims and start finding out how to be a strong,confident woman who proudly stands with him.

If my wife talked about me as some of you have talked on here about your men, then I would truly wonder what is wrong with her for staying with a man that she thinks of in this way. When you love someone you talk NICELY and PROUDLY about them to others.

You need to stop this ladies. It isn't helping and is only FUELING your desire to tit for tat about how bad each of your husbands treat you.

Take it for what it's worth or maybe do what you say your husbands do and get mad at me for pointing it out. Your choice

Keepmovn,

Until you know all the facts, please don't say anything. My F-I-L hated me from the day my husband met me, has never had a good word for me since then. He never even came to our wedding, just to prove a point. When my husband told him about his affair - he told my husband to tell me if I didn't like it - he should throw me out. My husband's dad was abusive. I never said anything bad about his mom - I feel bad for her - she had to stay with him, yes I know she chose this - she never deserved the treatment she got.I was never unfaithfull to my husband, or treated him badly. Do you think I deserved for him to cheat on me after being with him for over 20 yrs.? Him acting like nothing happened.

Then after I found out he was cheating, he was calling me a slut, in front of our children. Saying he couldn't trust me. Every time I said anything he would threaten to leave. Then when I told him I couldn't take anymore, he said he wouldn't leave. It was his house, his money, he's the boss and I won't tell him what to do.

Over the years my husband was bossy and verablly abusive. Yes I chose to stay with him because I love him, always have, always will. You do not know all the circumstances. We both posted on this site and people bashed him also, for his ideas and views. The other people on this site told me to leave him. I stayed because I think we could make our marriage work.

I put him thru school, worked and supported us when he didn't, supported him while seeking his career, emotionally and physically. I worked full time since we got married, even when I was pregnant. We had a good intimate life. I always put him on a pedestal - his job, he, always came first and I came second. We didn't start the arguing till his affair -why because he didn't want to do anything about the OW - he continued to work with her.

It is very difficult to make things work when my husband feels everything is his way or no way. He's always been this way. If you are not - that's good for your wife. We went to MC and he was told to try and change - he is - but at a very slow pace. The MC told him he was being self-centered and not thinking of our marriage, not me. He is finding it very hard to change. The MC told him he has to take responsibility for his actions - which is finding hard to do. He feels he didn't do anything wrong.

He had his affair with his secretary and refused to leave. Worked with her for about 9 months before they told him to leave. Now he is saying it is my fault he doesn't have a job. It would have been perfectly fine for him to work with her.

It is not me that starts the fights - it's his constant blaming me for everything but the sun not shining.

You don't know all the story - a lot had to be deleted from my postings, because my husband doesn't like me posting on here. I come on here to vent, so as not to argue with my husband. I get my feelings out.

Yes, I chose to also stay with my husband because I love him and I can't make him want to make the marriage work - I can't do it for him. It's a long slow process with him. He's always sorry after he gets mad and argues with me, but that's the way he is - I've learned to accept this.

I haven't told you half of the things I went thru. So, until you know the whole story, which the other ladies do, please keep your comments to yourself.

Let me ask you, who cheated on who? Did you cheat on your wife or did your wife cheat on you?

Hi Ladies,

Just want to tell you the good news!!!!My husband landed the job he wanted. This job is better than his previous job, closer to home. He's like a changed man since he found out today. We both are so happy - this is the best thing for him and our marriage. I told him I always had faith in him - I knew he would land a job.

He's starting on Friday. You should see him, his running around calling everyone he could think of - he's like a little kid. It's good to see him like this.

Thanks girls for listening to all my venting. You've all been so good for listening. I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Have a good night!

F&L,

Big congratulations to your H!! That is great news...I'm really happy for you both...a nice new start.

I'm not even going to post about the other poster...I also use this thread to vent and get things off my chest. If the post is reread, there are alot of positive comments made about our Hs. I thank you and Hopingfor for getting me through some difficult times...

Have a great night!

MF,

My husband is so excited - I haven't seen him like this in such a long time. This position is what his goal was all along. He got up at 4:00 am and couldn't go back to sleep.

Last night he kept calling people up to tell them of the news. He called his dad and what a shame - his dad couldn't even congratulate him - just said uh hum. He's always been like that. I could see the look on my husband's face - then he said - oh well, my dad's always been like that. He never encouraged my husband, yet he's the most succesful in his family.

This is a site to vent and get your feelings out. If not on here, where else? Are we just supposed to hold everything in?

My husband's job will be the best birthday present for me. We definitely have to go out and celebrate and go dancing. The only problem is my birthday is on Good Friday and then Sunday is Easter. Got to cook a feast for everyone. If we go out on Saturday - I'll be dead tired.

Oh well, I feel really good today. My youngest daughter has her first softball game on Saturday. I've been practicing with her outside. She's 13 but looks like she's 10. Very petite. The other girls on the team are much taller than she is. She's short like me - but very spunky.

Talk to you tomorrow. If I don't get a chance - have a great vacation next week. Hope we get some warm weather.

F&L,

It's too bad that your FIL acts like that to your H (and to you of course)...

I hope the weather gets warmer too. We are supposed to have rain over the weekend. My son has his first soccer practice on Sat (in Kindergarten, they don't have real games, just like a practice). He is excited, it's his first time playing on a team...

Maybe you could go dancing this weekend instead of next weekend....Have a great birthday if I miss you next week. I will try to get to the library and log on. We don't have any real plans. My son is turning 6 on Thursday and wants to go to Chuck E Cheese's...

Have a good night,

Hey Hoping and Sad Times,

Where are you ladies? You haven't written lately. How are you? I know MamaFish is on vacation this week. Hope you guys are enjoying the weather! My husband started his new job and is on "clould nine". I'll be doing a lot of stuff outside - my daughter's spring break.

Talk to you soon.

Hi F&L
Sorry I havent written lately. I have been trying to stay away for a while and work things out on my own. I have had a few really good days and am trying to almost forget what has happened in the past. It has been a huge help and my H is so much more relaxed and I catch him smiling at me all the time. He says he is so happy that I have stopped crying and am getting back to being me.

I appreciate your friendship through these difficult times for me and I look forward to talking with you again soon. In response to Keepmovin I know that I struggle with being negative and feeling sorry for myself but I do feel it has been so benificial for me to vent and complain to people I feel know what I am going thru. It helps in general to know I am not the only one who knows this pain.

I guess we all will deal with this in our own way. I hope someday to be a better person b/c of this. Stronger more confident and more positive. Right now I just need some friends and you and MamaFish have been wonderful to me.

Congrats on your Hs new job thats great news! Hope all is well!
HF

Hoping,

Glad things are doing better for you. Like I told you before, every day gets a little better. December wasn't that long ago and it takes a lot of time to heal. Listen to me, I'm talking like an "old timer". This is the month my husband started his PA, last year - brings back ill memories. I think it took me and my husband a lot longer than both you and MamaFish to get on to recovery.

You wouldn't believe how different my husband is, since he left his job. I knew that the old job was a drawback in our recovery. He's very excited and ready to immerse himself in the new job - this is good! It's nice to see him happy again too.

If you ever need to vent - we are here. I certainly needed a lot of venting. Will probably still need to - at some certain point.

Friday is my birthday and we decided to go out anyway, even though it's Good Friday. We're going dancing with my oldest daughter and her two friends. My oldest daughter and I both love to dance. We always get mistaken for sisters - she's 30 and I'll be 52. We're going to dance our butts off. Once my husband gets out on the dance floor - he stays there all night. He knows I love to dance - so he does it for me.

Hope you all have a good holiday. Hope we continue to have nice weather.

No cheating involved. Wonderful wife (I don't know how she tolerates me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />),wonderful marriage, wonderful inlaws.
Life is good and I am as happy as a person can be. (So what do I know about relationships since I have a PROVEN successfull one huh?) I won't ever talk badly about my wife because I believe that would be a reflection on me more than it would her. If she would decide to cheat, then I will (and she knows it) tell her I don't share, I won't try and force her to stay, and I WOULD let her go. No ifs, and's or but's. My happiness is not based and grounded in her. She would do the same thing if I had an affair. I won't take the chance to lose her because of that and becasue of the way she talks about me to others (as many have told me) and the way she treats me and my family.
Works pretty good too.

I haven't had people treat me the way you have beause I DON"T TOLERATE IT. I don't treat her as you have been treated because SHE would not tolerate disrespect. Works pretty good for her too...

Oh well, what do I know huh?

I agree with you in that I should leave you alone and will from now on. My mistake. It won't happen again..

Vent away....

Keepmov
I respect your positive attitude however I am confused as to why you are here and why you are so judgemental of those that are struggling with infidelity if you have not experienced this yourself.

Quite frankly you sound angry and I cant imagine that the peacefulness you claim to have is legitamate.

While it is wonderful to claim that you would not stand for infidelity you never know how you will react to soething until it happens to you.

I think you make a lot of good points and like I have said I hope someday when I will get past this I will be a better person with a better marriage but only God will judge me. You may get your point across better with a little empathy for those of us who are struggling.
HF

Keepmovn,

You are lucky that you or your wife has never cheated in your marriage. Up until 20 yrs. ago, I didn't even know what MB was - my husband may have been domineering and stubborn, but to me my marriage and family was everything. There were a lot worse men out there, men who beat there wives, alcoholics, gamblers and cheaters. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, no marriage is – that’s only a misconception. My husband used to loath men that cheated on their wives. He used to come home every night, worked to support his family. I supported him in everything he did and much more than that I always loved him and I thought he loved me. No every man is picture perfect i.e., helps around the house, dotes on you, communicates.

When he turned 40, all of a sudden he went crazy, thought the world was passing him by. Thought he didn’t do enough when he was younger. So he befriended his secretary, with 3 children, older than he – a woman who has been divorced twice, had 2 affairs in the office with married men and an affair with a single man in the office. My husband started talking to her and she listened to how he felt. She told me she loved him from the day she started working for him. You have to understand, my husband was always a very closed person, didn’t like to talk if he had a problem, especially with me. I asked him so many times if something was the matter during his frustration period, but he always said I was imagining things. Believe me I suggested MC, sit down talks, everything I could think of, but he just didn’t want to talk to ME. So it went, he would talk the OW, and then come back home and argue with me, so he could again go and talk to the OW. She in turn would tell him, SHE WOULDN’T TREAT HIM LIKE THAT, SHE WOULDN’T ARGUE WITH HIM. That is how it all started.

As his affair progressed, he got worse, argued more, called me names, hurt me more. There were also a lot of other things going on in my life, my dad has Advanced Parkinson’s disease, whom I cared for, my daughter was sexually abused during this time – so I had a lot on my plate – yes, my husband was too busy, doing what he was doing with the OW – so he had no time for these other things – I had to deal with these myself. I got anxiety attacks – one which I had to go to the hospital for – I thought I was having a heart attack. My husband even had the nerve to invite her over for a company picnic while he was having an affair with her – and me like a dummy didn’t know and I kissed her hello and goodbye – how is that a slap in the face? I thought I was going crazy – I didn’t know what was going on – why was he doing this to me?

He got so entangled with the OW, he felt sorry for her, because she isn't that attractive and lonely and couldn’t break it off. So when I found out – I told him to break it off – or we were thru. This hit him like a ton of bricks. He went and broke it off the next day. But, he still continued to work with her for the next 10 months. He refused to leave his job – he thought he could handle it. We fought so much over this – I just couldn’t live with him working with the OW – side by side. Imagine thinking of your spouse being intimate with another person – doing what you and your spouse are only to do. Envisioning them caressing each other – it makes you sick to your stomach.

But, she was always still in the picture, coaxing him, talking about me, pressuring him, she had a hold over him. He felt guilty, ashamed, scared – so when he came home he would lash out at me. Yes, he put me thru H---. But, I knew this would eventually go away, little by little – and it is, but very slowly.

So now, we are at this point. We are finally in recovery – it took a long time. I took offense at your comments because you don’t know all the circumstances – there are many other factors. Since, you haven’t been cheated on by your wife – you can’t know the hurt, the pain you feel when you find out your spouse betrayed you and didn’t care one thing about you when he/she was doing what he/she was doing. Mamafish’s husband cheated on her when she was pregnant with his child. Can you imagine how that hurts? My husband cheated on me when I was caring for my dad and my daughter was abused.

Yes, it makes us angry – wouldn’t you be also and please don’t say you wouldn’t? Then when you try to repair the marriage – the spouse thinks nothing is wrong – that you’re being hysterical. We’re not whining and moaning. This is a site where you can vent and get your feelings out. Isn’t it better to post on here, rather than go back and fight with your spouse? Sometimes, things just turn into an argument – it can’’ be helped. So you think you should just be nice to your spouse, do nice things, don’t fight – but sometimes you can’t. What happens when you try and you don't get it in return?

The other thing is we all stayed with our spouses because we love them and have faith in our marriage, not because we want to be put down, verbally abused or we want to come back the next day and post about what we did. We post on here because we need to talk.

So until you are in our shoes and all the people on this site that have gone thru this, please don’t blame us for being hurt or angry. Only someone that has had this happen to them can know how we feel. Even the spouse that did the cheating doesn't know how we feel. We are doing the best we can – maybe not to your liking – but we are trying. We are giving it everything we have, despite our obsticles.

Again, it’s wonderful that you have never gone thru what we all have gone thru and I hope you never will – I don’t wish that on anyone.

Hi Ladies...

I am back...it was a good week off. Lots of quality time with the kids, but no real "alone" time with my H...no MB or any real A talk at all. Maybe that is why it was a good week...

Anyway, I wanted the week to be fun for the kids so did not LB and we actually communicated pretty well this week, although there were some difficult moments. I fear that we are still moving backwards to the pre A M, and that scares me. There is still ALOT of work to do. I didn't have the energy to push on it last week. Really just needed some time to unwind and not have a lot of pressure. Plus, with no one to watch the kids, we had them with us 24/7 and the oldest are not nappers, so there was precious little time to ourselves.

Forgiveandlove,

you gave a very good response to Keepmoving. I don't understand why he is on this website if neither he nor his wife had an A. I did think about the things he said, about how I talked about my H. The thing is that I would NEVER EVER say any of the things that I wrote about him here to a single one of my friends, relatives, or acquaintances. I talk him up as much as possible and never say a negative thing about him to anyone, in private or in public. He is very respectful and courteous to me in public also. When we went to church yesterday, everyone was complimenting us on our beautiful family and he just eats that up. He loves to be seen as the doting father (which he is).

We know a young couple who is expecting their first child and my H was telling me how the expectant father is glowing because he is so happy and I think he feels sorry for what he missed while I was pregant last year. I think that seeing how the young man waits on his wife really made him think about his actions in the past. He missed out on alot in his kids' lives and tries to justify it in his mind by saying it was quality time even if it wasn't quantity time. I don't argue with him over that. That is for his conscience to do. He knows how much his kids missed him during that time, although he didn't realize it then.

Hopingfor,

I also was away from MB last week, because I didn't go to the library. I think it was good for me to also get away. I find myself getting sucked into threads sometimes that are depressing and get me thinking too much. I would have liked to have gone on here but never had the time. Trying to be positive as much as possible and move forward.

Anyway, I did not LB last week at all. I am trying to be the best person I can be, not perfect, but better. I think that is all that we can do.

Did either of you read The 5 Love Languages? I read it and would recommend it...It is a good read and pretty quick.

Well, that's about it for now. Hopefully you will see this bumped up and respond. Hope you all had a great week!!

Hi Girls,

I had a great birthday - went dancing with my hubby, oldest daughter and her friend. We danced the night away. At midnight they announced to all the smokers, that they had to put out their cigarettes. Had to leave before the place closed because I had a sore throat. My feet were so sore the next day. I think I lost 3 lbs. from dancing. Now I'm stuck with a cold - I feel miserable.

Wasn't last week the best? MF, you couldn't have picked a better week for a vacation! I did a lot of yard work and I got sun burnt. It looks so beautiful out with all the trees flowering and the spring flowers all popped up. I still have to do a lot of stuff outside - as soon as I feel better. I took some "non-drowsy" cold medicine and I feel like I'm going to fall asleep!!!

I had the whole family over for Easter - I couldn't put the snacks and food out fast enough for the guys - they enjoyed everything. No mention of anything - things went well. My husband just kept talking about his new job. He's so impressed with himself - this was the job he always wanted.

I'm thinking of going back to work - will keep my mind off things. I have an interview on Friday morning. I used to be in the printing business - sales. It's very specialized, so there aren't too many jobs in my area of the woods - the company is an hour away. My youngest daughter and I went to check the place out this morning - to see the location. Not in a bad area, right off the parkway, right next to a strip mall, so I can get out during the day, if I want. I'm still going to look on the internet for other job postings.

That guy Keepmovn has been bashed several times on another thread. He had some good points, but still you can't understand how someone feels after they've been betrayed - unless it happened to you. Also, you can't say you will not tolerate infidelity - you never know what you will do, until you are in that position.

I may say stuff about my husband on this site to you, but I also never insult him in front of other people, or constantly insult him at home. I just let steam off on this site to you.

What's "5 love languages" about?

Talk to you later

Hey girls
Hope all is well. I have missed you.

I am continuing to struggle with my self esteem and the A. I feel so low and unloved sometimes. H tries to reassure me but actions speak louder than words. He is tired of my crying and is becoming numb to my pain. I am trying to work on being less a victim but I feel so abandoned emotionally fromhim.

I feel like the "honeymoon" period of him being so relieved of his guilt is over and I am left to sort it all out while he gives me pep talks on "getting over it". I know he is right and that we are lucky we still love each other and are committed to each other but I still fear what you do Mama that things are gettting back to pre A.

Yesterday we were at a party all day (holiday here). I really felt like he didnt know I was there. I was stuck watching the twins on the swing set and couldnt finish a sentance he had a great time. It brings back so many bad memeories of the past....his guilt taking things out on me...me left to take care of the kids. I have so many scars from the way he acted these 4 years I just dont know how to get past them. Then he had to go to work for a few hours and took one of my sons with him when he came back we started talking about how I felt and I cried we decided to go to bed he went to check his email and cell phone then came upstairs to ask me if it was ok if he went out to the local bar wiht his friends.

Well I was so upset. He didnt understand why. Says I dont want to be happpy. I felt likeI hadnt seenhim all day and I really was feeling bad I wanted to spend time wiht him. I told him I wouldnt forget it if he went big power struggle. He left I locked him out of the bedroom. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.

Anyway things are ok now but I see his frustration with me mounting and I resent it. I really feel like he should give me what I need and he really feels like I should be more healed.

Ok well thats off my chest! Talk to you soon.
HF

Hoping,

I've never gone thru this before so I could only tell you from my experience that when I first found out about my husband's affair - he felt so guilty about what he did and how bad I felt - physically and mentally - that he would call almost every day to see how I was. He knows I like to dance so HE would offer to take me out to enjoy myself. He would tell me to sit next to him on the couch while watching tv. He would offer to come for a ride with me if I was going somewhere.

But, as time went on his calls during the day, became less and less - now he only calls if something is wrong. So far as going out, he went out last Friday for my birthday, but told me - it really wasn't his "thing". We had a good time anyway - but I got the message. Now even sitting on the couch - he only asks sometimes for me to sit next to him.

As a matter of fact, I just told him on Saturday that he was starting to go back to his old self. It didn't seem to matter to him at what makes me happy/feel good anymore. Now that he has his new job, everything else is not important. How soon they forget!!! I think they all get confortable after a while and forget that we still need that extra attention and assurance.

Even before my husband had the affair - if we went to a party or somewhere - he never stood next to me - he would always walk off and leave me standing or sitting by myself. Sometimes, I was lucky enough to have my girls with me, so I had someone to talk to. But, most of the time - I had to try and socialize with people I never met before. I've learned to accept this - he was always like that.

Luckily, my husband never goes out to the bars with his friends. Although, when we lived in our old home, he used to go to the neighbor's house next door on the weekends and they used to drink all night. I don't like when he drinks because he gets very obnoxious and bossy towards me. His dad was a big drinker when my husband was young and acted the same way to my M-I-L. Many times when I was there with the girls talking to the neighbor's wife, the girls would get tired and we wanted to go home - he wouldn't, he would tell me to stop bothering him, so I would just go home with the kids. Now, that doesn't seem so bad because I knew he was only next door. Well, anyway, that all ended when we moved to our current home.

I got such a boost on my ego on Friday when I went out - I needed it. I got so many compliments from guys that couldn't believe my oldest daughter was mine - they all thought we were sisters. These were guys that my daughter knew from going out and she introduced me and my husband to them. But, I would never trade any of then for my husband - they're all a bunch of loosers.

It makes me feel so good because my daughter is so proud of me - she always says how good my mom looks for her age. My oldest daughter resembles me/my mom the most of all my children. She always compliments me. She's such a "chatter-box". When your kids are proud of you - nothing else compares to that! It gives you such a good feeling inside. Wait till your kids get bigger. I've got the closest relationship with the 3 girls, the boys a bit distant.

I've got such a cold today! I didn't sleep all night - I took nyquil and it kept me awake instead of making me sleep. I was coughing my head off. I can't go see my dad because I don't want to get him sick - I have to call his nurse and tell her, so he doesn't worry about me.

Don't worry Hoping, things will get better!

Hi there,

Glad to hear that you had a nice fun birthday, F&L. Sounds like you had a blast. I hope my daughters and I are close when they get older. I would love to be able to go out dancing with them.

Hopingfor, I'm sorry that you are still having some bad days, and I really know how it feels to be left with the kids. I understand completely. Too many times after DDay, my H and I would come home from an outing, similar to what you described, and then he will go out. I think you need to address this in MC (you are still going to MC aren't you?). He needs to take your feelings into account on this kind of thing. My H has done this also at the last minute and I have told him how inconsiderate it is, how I feel like he is dumping me and the kids off, etc. It has gotten better. I don't have a problem with him going out if it is planned ahead of time but I really hate these last minute things. Your MC can help your H to understand your side of this. At least I would hope so.

It will take time for you to really get to the point where your H (and mine) wants you to be as far as "moving on' as they love to say. You can't rush it, you just have to go with it. Take the good and the bad. You are doing really well, and it is definitely a roller coaster in all sense of the word. Hang in there!!! You need to focus on yourself and rebuild your self esteem. Believe me, I know how tough that is. My self esteem is also way way low right now. No matter how many times he tells me it meant nothing, it still makes me feel like crap. I don't know why he finds it so hard to express his love to me so that I feel loved. He doesn't see me crying like I used to so he thinks it is all good. I am hoping that if he does the 5 love languages quiz, it will help me to speak his language, and he can speak mine. Maybe you should read it and give it a shot....It really helped me to see that even though you think you are showing your love (by cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc), that H may be missing the message because he has a different love language.

As for the book, The 5 love languages, it is worth the read. I have seen it recommended on threads, saw it at Walmart around Valentines' Day, and picked it up at the library (had to order it)...Anyway, the premise is that everyone has a primary love language. This is how you feel loved. There are 5 love languages--words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. If your H is speaking to you in your primary love language, you will feel loved. If he is not, you will not feel loved, even though he may be speaking to you in HIS primary love language. He thinks he is showing you love, but because he is speaking a different love language, you don't realize it.

Example, say a woman's love lang is words of affirmation (how she feels she is loved is by hearing how beautiful she is, etc), and the man's love lang is acts of service (he shows his love for her by doing things for her)...If he washes the car and does other things for his wife, he feels like he is showing her how much he loves her. But she doesn't feel loved because he doesn't tell her that he loves her, she's beautiful, etc)...They are speaking different languages. The book explains how if you know what the other person's love lang is (there's a quick quiz to take), you can express your love in that language. In this example, the man would start to tell his wife how he feels. It says that usually the person shows love in their own love lang, so the man would feel loved if his wife was doing things for him.

I took the quiz and my languages tied at Physical touch (which includes SF, but more about touching, hugs, affection) and Words of Affirmation. I haven't had my H take it yet. But it gives another perspective on the whole Emotional Needs area.

Well I gotta go heat up my lunch. It is gorgeous outside today. I love spring!!

MF,

I understand what you mean about the book. My husband
always thinks going to work to make money and coming home every night means he loves me. While I want him to appreciate me and compliment me once in a while, ie., good wife, good cook, smart.

I'll have to look for the book.

I'm not going outside even thought it's nice. Because I'm sick the sun makes my eyes water. Booooh!

I can't wait for summer!

Hi F&L,

Hope you are starting to feel better. Get well then you can go out and enjoy the weather. It will be in the 70s by the end of the week...Yippee! We spent last week outside at playgrounds. It was so beautiful. I love the summer.

I must have been posting my reply when you did your previous one, because I missed it and just saw it now. I hate when Nyquil keeps you up...that happens to me sometimes and it's the worst feeling...

My H used to leave me to socialize at parties but not all the time. We have only gone to one (my work Xmas party) since DDay and he sat with me the whole time. That was a really tough night for me. Now, he seems to realize how his actions affect me more than he did. Especially his words. He doesn't realize how harsh he sounds sometimes, and will apologize after the fact when he realizes it. This goes hand-in-hand with the words of affirmation. When he criticizes me or something I do, it hurts so bad because it makes me feel unloved. I really take it to heart.

My H very very rarely goes out w/ his friends. Never did that much. I always encouraged him to go and have a good time when he would go. Never was the type of wife that would restrict him from going out because I always trusted him. This is why it was so easy for him to lie to me.

I think that we all have a tendency to relax a bit and start to go back to our old ways. It takes a lot of effort and work to move forward to make your M more fulfilling. Some days I just don't have the energy. Last night I had such a bad headache when I left here (before I left work) and nothing would make it go away. My H was so great to me. He could see I was exhausted. He made dinner (he is the one who cooks, not me), but the kicker was when he told me that HE would clean up the kitchen. And then he gave all 3 kids a nice long bath...I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated and loved him for this. Then, he even told me to go take my shower and he got the kids all set for bed. Ended up having SF and talking afterwards for about an hour...It was really really great...

Hope you all have a good night!