MF,

Every once in a while I read other posts of people who just found out - and I feel so bad for them. Makes me remember when I first found out. I thought, just like them, that I wouldn't survive, but look, its 10 months later and things are getting so much better. It almost seems like I was in a bad nightmare and I’m finally waking up.

Do you get migraine headaches? I do and I take medication for it - Amerge. It works wonders, because I also get nausea along with it.

I noticed that you post to csj on another thread – would you two mind if I joined in – don’t want to impose? Talk to you soon.

Hey F&L,

Sorry to hear that you are still under the weather. These spring colds do tend to linger on and on sometimes....good luck on your interview tomorrow. I think it would be good for you to get out and work, if nothing else, but to give you something new and positive...

I have to go right now but will check back and write more. And you are very welcome to join my thread with CSJ...the more the merrier... I'm sure that she would love to hear your advice, as I do...

F&L,

Yes, the job will be extra work and stress, but maybe your DD and your DH will help out...Maybe one night a week he could get dinner ready, or if you cook a bunch of meals on the weekend and freeze them, they could have that ready when you get home (or at least, you could just defrost it in the morning, and then it would be ready to cook at night. I am lucky that my H does the majority of the cooking. I am spoiled in that respect, but then I do clean up and do the dishes. During his A, he did not do it, and I came to rely on him for that. I would be expecting him to cook and would come home at 6 and there would be no dinner, no H and I'd try to scramble to make something. There is alot that you can do to make it easier on yourself by cooking ahead and freezing meals, if he won't help.

What kind of work do you do? I work for a manufacturing company, and I do inside sales and customer service, so I handle lots of phone calls and sit at a desk all day. It's not very stressful. I joke and say I go to work to get a break from my real job of being home! I have always worked and am lucky that I have a super day care provider that lives 5 min from my work. She has taken care of all my kids, my son since he turned 1 and the girls since they were 6 wks old...

Glad that your H loves his new job. What a difference it makes...I see such a change in him...Working graveshift really took a toll on him and our Marriage...It was so not worth it! He does not miss his old job at all!!

I try not to read posts of people who just found out. It really depresses me, and makes me feel so bad. I see that my situation is not so bad when I read some others. I am lucky that my H came to his senses and wants to stay with me and work on the M...even if we have our moments, I'm thankful for what I have. I stay on Recovery or Genl Qts, but try not to get wrapped up in all the drama. Mostly I find our thread, and CSJ, and maybe read some others if I have time. Please feel free to post with CSJ and I. She doesn't post until late in the day because she is out in UT. I think she would welcome advice from you--you are further along in recovery than us and advice/insight is always appreciated...

I don't get migraines on a regular basis....If I get a headache, most of the time it will go away if I take ibuprofen or tylenol. I may have had a migraine on Mon night because I took tylenol here at work and it didn't help. When I got home, I took tylenol later and it didn't really help. I get these from time to time, and I know what you mean about the nausea. The one on Mon was not so bad that it made me nauseous. I think it was due to hunger and stress. Haven't had one like that in a very long time, probably pre DDay...

Hope you are feeling better. Can you call and speak to your dad? Maybe you could send him a quick note that he would get in the mail?

Have a good night, and I'll talk to you later,
Mamafish

Hi
Hope all is well with you. I am heading off to MC soon and am gearing up for a good cry there. I am so angry lately. I feel like I dont stick up for myself. I keep thinking "why didnt I just throw him out when I found out?" Not that what other people do matters but I think alot of people do. I know I love him and I dont want to throw away our marriage and upset our kids. And thats about all I know. If I forgive (and I know I have to)I feel like I let him get away with the most horrible thing he could have done to me. If I do that whats to stop him from doing whatever he wants whenever he wants? Like Mon night when he left me crying to go out saying "Ill make it up to you".

I am still upset over our fight Mon night. He told me he went out that night to "prove a point" which I guess is he does what he likes. I dont know the scars are so deep from all this. I feel like I suffered so much from his guilt. He distanced himself from me and especially the twins who were not easy to watch and raise basically by myself for 4 years.

I wish you guys knew him because you would know he is agood man he has been thru a lot with this too. He is so much weaker than I thought he was. I never thought he have an affair and I thought for sure he would help me throught all this. He is not going to be my hero in this I need to find that within myself and I dont know how to do that or even where to start. I always thought he would take care of me. He has always been so good to me. This really stinks all this and its taking forever to feel better!

Thanks for listening I miss you guys I will write soon. Wish me luck at MC should be fun! hehe
HF

Hoping,

Please don't feel bad - tomorrow will be a better day. I also felt many times I couldn't go on and why was I staying with a man that could have hurt me so much, is so stubborn, uncaring, bossy, etc. But, I know I love him and I would be more miserable without him. It's hard to try and forgive someone for doing something so hurtfull and selfish.

My husband also tries often to "just prove a point" - I think they all do. But, what are they proving - nothing! I know my husband, just like yours, is not a bad man, most of them aren't - they just did a stupid mistake, that they can't take back or change. I'm sure if they had the chance to go back in time - they would not repeat the same mistake.

You just have to think of it as a horrible mistake - as much as it hurts you - you have to let it go. Try to be strong. Like I said, many times its only 1 person working on the marriage. The other person thinks the affair is over - life goes on as usual. You just want to knock some sense in them.

Hi there,

F&L, I have been at this job for almost 17 yrs....It is my home away from home, a small family owned business, and they are flexible if the kids are sick or I have to take them to drs appts. I am opposite of my H in that respect, as I have held the same job (this is where we met years ago) and he has had many. this is why the A cost him so much (I forgot to put that in my CSJ thread). The job he just left was at a casino , and this was going to be his career. Now, he is starting over, but he says he doesn't miss the casino at all.. He was burned out w/ all the stress there.

I'm thinking of you today and sending you good thoughts for your interview...I hope you are feeling better.

How about your 13 yr old DD helping w/ dinner? Would she heat up a frozen pre cooked meal in the microwave?

Hopingfor,

Hang in there. It will get better. HOw did MC go yesterday?

I know your H is a good man, they all are as F&L says. If they were not good deep down, they wouldn't still be with us. They would have left. The fact that they didn't shows that they truly love us and our families.

You are right though, when you said you need to find a way to heal WITHIN YOURSELF...Your H can help you, but only you can truly get yourself to where you need to be. My H told me he would do whatever it takes to help me heal, but that hasn't really happened. I need him to do more, but ultimately I need to do more too. I need to make changes in myself so that I can truly get over it..I''m not there yet either...we are all on the same roller coaster...

Don't rush yourself into forgiveness either. That can come at the end of the process, not the beginning. It will come naturally when you find that the pain is not as sharp as it was before....I know that one day I will be able to forgive him, but I don't know when that day will be. It will not be soon. But it doesn't mean that what he did was OK. You are forgiving him to get rid of that in your head so you are no longer dwelling on the pain. It doesn't mean, hey no problem, go do it again.

Have a good day...I'll check back later...

Hey Mama
I have been trying to keep up with you all on csj but figured I would post here on the quiet post. I miss talking with you all but am trying to FOCUS....hasnt been working.

I asked my H to post again because his frustation with me in mounting again. I just cant seem to forget about the A. He says I need to forgive myself for still loving him and needing him. I guess he is right.

I know you are a big reader. What do you think I should start with reading. I havent read the Harley books yet but was thinking of ordering them today. I know you have read many others and it seems like you are more on the correct road to recovery. I need to start being more pro active with my healing.

Hope all is well
HF

Hi Hopingfor,

Good to hear from you. I was worrying about you since I haven't heard from you lately.

As for books, you NEED to read the Harley books, that is a must. I didn't realize that you hadn't read them yet. Order them today if you can. I got them at the library (I was embarassed, but I requested them through my library website so I just had to pick them up) . They are so helpful. I kept them out for months and just returned them late. I wished I had bought them. SAA and HNHN are the ones I read. SAA is a must. I don't think I would be able to deal w/ it if I didn't read that. It helped me to understand why my H felt like he did. Reading other's scenarios that were like my M, I could see it. How we focused on the kids instead of ourselves. I haven't read any of his other books.

I also liked the 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman, but this is more about communicating with your mate, not about recovering from an A. That is where you need to start now. Also Dr. Phil, Relationship Recovery--I started but didn't finish this one. I did use his book (can't think of the name, oh yeah Life Strategies), and that helped ME to work on ME...but you have to start with the Harley ones to really see how infidelity happens and can really happen to anyone...even you and I. If we had the opportunity, and were dissatisfied enough, maybe we would convince ourselves . I don't know. But it helped me to understand how it could happen, and that was a big revelation to me.

Feel free to post on this thread or CSJ. I just bared my soul on that one, as far as my H's A and the whole thing about it. I feel a sense of relief as no one knows the whole story of it.

You do need to become proactive in the recovery now. People say to work on yourself and it is the truth . YOu see that you only have yourself to count on when this happens. You have to live w/ yourself....

Order those books today, Hopingfor. See if your library has them if you can't order them. One way or another, you have to read them.

Let me know how you are doing!!! I am here for you...

Mamafish,

I wrote to you on the CSJ thread.

Hoping for: You've got to understand....you will not forgive overnight....it takes a lot of time.

I was just talking to my husband about this on the weekend - for you see, now we can talk about it - without getting upset or arguing. It seems almost like it never happened - only a distant memory. I'm 6 months ahead of you and MamaFish - so you've got some time to catch up to me.

It will be ok. Sometimes, when I would read things - it would upset me - because everything they would mention was me or my husband.

I know it seems hard to believe, but it will get better.

Hoping For: I read a good book "infidelity A Survival Guide, by Don-David Lusteman, PhD. I got it in Barns & Noble. When my husband and I read it - it gave so much information on why people have affairs and what to do. I think it's about $15. Very good.

Go to your local libray .....they have lots of stuff to read and it's free...may not be MB....but still good...they also have Dr. Phil. You know you can also visit Dr. Phil's site and write a message and they will write back to you. Although, they wrote back to me and told me I should tell my husband to move out and he should re-think his values and marriage! Well, as you can guess, I didn't listen.

Hoping For: Did you say your husband posts on this site? What is his screen name? Hoping for: Just wanted you to laugh a bit. Tomorrow will be a better day - you deserve it.

Hi F&L,

I hope tomorrow is a better day...it's my birthday after all...I am playing it low-key. I just think of last year when I didn't get to see H on my bday because he was "working"...

Anyway, reading the books definitely helps you to understand how As happen. If I only knew last year what I know now, I don't think I would be in this mess. See I had my suspicions but was afraid and in denial. I did confront him but never followed through. I ask myself why didn't I? Well, I guess it was meant to be that I would find out AFTER having the baby.

Any, when is that handsome plumber coming back? In a month or two...alright, that's summer...he'll be taking his shirt off for sure!! LOL!

Have a good day!
MAMA

Hi,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - did you say you were 29????

They are having a "Sex, Lies and Video Tapes" on Good Morning America - about cheating spouses. Spouses caught "dead in their tracks". An undercover mom does this for a living - catches cheaters. The woman says that she has a 99% success rate at catching cheaters, but surprisingly, the majority of them stay together and repair their marriage.

Talk to you on CSJ's thread.

Hoping for: Hope all is ok, I'll talk to you also.

MamaFish
Happy Birthday! I have been thinking about you pretty much nonstop since I read your story yesterday. You deserve to have a nice birthday.

How is everyone? I had an ok day yesterday finally! The calm AFTER the storm. I am going out with H and 2 other couples tonite to the city for some fun. I will have a drink in your honor Mama (or maybe 2). I really have been partying a lot lately...almost every weekend...not really like me to get a good buzz every weekend but it feels like I can forget for a while that way. Maybe it just feels self destructive and I like that? Who knows. I am not by any means out of control. Just a less cautious than I usally am.

F&L My H has not posted yet but I will let you know when and if he does. I think I may write to DrPhil too that sounds interesting. Although no stranger or even your best friend can make any decision like that for you. No one knows the whole story unless they live it!

Enjoy the day. Sun here for the 1st time this week!
HF

Thanks for the birthday wishes, girls! I am having a good day so far. No plans tonight except T-Ball for my son. I don't really make a big deal over my Bday, haven't in years. Not sure if H is going to do anything or not.

It's funny how now that there is so much about infidelity in the news now. Maybe it was always there and I didn't realize it...I did read a quiz in Redbook in October (pre dday) that was signs of cheating. If I had only seen it sooner..by this time, he had stopped seeing OW so the red flags didn't apply anymore--taking showers when coming home, buying new clothes, etc.

Have fun tonight HF. Don't get too out of control. I don't drink very often. I like to drink wine at home sometimes, or if my H has a beer, I will have one. I know that it helps sometimes to feel better if you drink. I understand what you mean about being less cautious than usual. We are the dependable ones, you and I. We can be counted on to stay with the kids and take care of them, do the right thing. My H would be amazed if I ever came home and said, okay, I'm going out for a bit. See ya later. I just don;t do that. Maybe I should start so he can see what it's like!

I think you should. I just ruined my marriage because of it. My h. had an A years ago, but I could not forget about it and would live in the past instead of living in the present, so he got tired of it. I know it is hard to forget and forgive but I will give it a chance if YOU really love him.

Simon
This sounds like me I am killing him and I cant stop! In relation to others here I am not that bad off. H keeps saying "we have a good life...enjoy it...its over..I will never ever do anything like that again" I know in my heart this is true because he lived with it 4 years before I found out and I realize looking back how much he suffered. Still I cry all the time. He just wants me to be somewhat normal but I cant stop torturing myself and him with my grief!

He says I need to forgive myself for staying with him after he cheated and I know this is true.

Mama
Yes it definatley was in the news before just not part of your life. Back in the fall before dday I was watching DrPhils 7 (?) signs of cheating spouses and I called H kiddingly and told him he had 5 of the signs he got so angry. I was like jeez just kidding....hide sights 20/20 huh?

have a great birthday tball is soooo fun. I love that age when they just sit down in the outfield to pick dandylions in the middle of the game. Enjoy your day.
HF

Hoping For:

I posted on CSJ's thread - talked to you a bit. Remember my screen name - forgive and love - this was changed from Soooohurt. It's possible.

Simon: I see we have a new poster on the thread. What's your story? I guess I am the old timer on here - my D-Day was in 6/05. I'd be glad to help you in any way I can - feel free to post to us. We are all here to help each other.

I changed my screen name from HisFool <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hopingfor:

See how thing change as time goes by. You'll forgive as time goes by - it will come.