My reaction is that this letter ought to be persuasive. You've included details that ought to convince him that this isn't a "crank call."

What were your plans for delivering/sending this letter? I don't think you should send it to their home address. Too easy for OW to intercept it.

I suggest you continue your efforts to try to contact him in person or via phone. Then offer to provide this letter. To me, some introduction feels appropriate. Of course, if you can't personally contact him soon, sending the letter - even to the home address - is necessary so as not to delay notification. The need of exposure demands taking a risk that OW might intercept it. In this scenario, you don't assume he gets it until he replys somehow.

JHMO

WAT

I am driving to his place of employment soon. I will leave it on his truck windshield. If that is not possible, I will try to intercept him on his way home from work by waiting at the end of his street or maybe wait for him to leave work.

Left a letter at OW's husband's place of work. They were sooooo helpful there and told me he worked nights 5P-5A. I decided to drive by his house again and his truck was there. So I went up to the door and knocked and introduced myself. He knew about the A. Found out the same time that I did, but OW assured him it was over and meant nothing. Meanwhile, my WH is "in love" and waiting for her to up and leave her husband.I told him all I knew, gave him specific details and told him it was ongoing. Really nice guy, very hurt. Says OW still goes out a lot and gets angry if he asks where she's going - "Don't you trust me? Why are you checking up on me?". I told him to check out this site and told him a little bit of what I learned. He is going to confront his wife tonight. I told him he could tell her I was there as I have nothing to hide. He is also hoping his marriage survives.

So, my hardhat is on in anticipation of the fallout.

I will stay calm.

I will Plan A.

I will keep saying that I am doing what is best for my family.

I feel SOOOOOOOOOOO good. It is nice to be proactive and not feel like a victim. Thank you WAT for your guidance!

Lizzie

Way to go Lizzie,

This sounds promising in terms of ending the A. He will be madder than he11.

I dropped part of my nuke at my WW place of employment last week and expect fallout from that this week. Plus tomorrow is "tell the OMW" day for me. I hope she is as interested in keeping her M together as I am.

We both need to put on flame retardant suits as the flames are a coming soon.

I am so ready for this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. It is great to have so much support. Ultimately, when all is said and done, i will have the satisfaction of knowing that I gave it my all.

Wow, Lizzie - good job!

Surprised to hear his employer was so helpful. There are still good people in the world!

Got a flack jacket? Hold on!

Did you make plans with OWM to continue communication?

WAT

Yes. I gave him my phone number, email, and told him he could call or come by any time. He looks like he doesn't want to believe it's true. Hopefully, I've given him enough facts so that he believes it. At any rate, the seed is planted! He'll be watching her for sure, now.

I didn't have time to post more earlier.

You've taken a significant action that we all understand was not easy to accomplish - until you were actually talking to OW's husband. Tell me if I'm wrong - but as soon as he allowed you to tell your story, I bet it became easier by the syllable.

You've now doubled your chances for success. Attacking this from both directions is like lighting the candle from both ends. If it's gonna burn out, it'll burn out that much quicker.

I was not fortunate to have a strong ally in OM's wife. In my sitch, OM's wife was a detriment to ending the affair.

If you have his e-mail, send him the address of this forum and even how to identify your posts. Hope for a sane and rational person such as yourself.


Hopefully you know by now that this would be a normal BS reaction. You are now for him what we are for you.

Way to go, girl! Pat yourself on the back!

WAT

Great job, Lizzie! You have probably just saved your marriage by being so bold about exposure.

Just brace yourself for the fallout from your H, which will likely be intense, and don't let it phase you. We will be here pulling for you. You are a HERO!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks so much. You guys are making me cry. I hope he confronts his wife. I get the feeling that she calls the shots over there. I have been sitting here all night waiting for the fallout. Either he hasn't confronted his wife or she has had no opportunity to contact WH. We'll see what happens tomorrow. In the meantime, had BIL over for dinner. He tells me that he learned that OW's mother is still in town and they are working on a plan to get her out of the house. It would seem that OW has everyone snowed:
Her mother thinks that she wants to leave an abusive husband.
Ow's husband thinks that marriage is back on track.
My WH is patiently waiting on her to pack up her kids and join him.

I am a pretty good judge of character, and if this OW's husband is abusive, I'll eat my hat. He is as devastated as I am. So I am still in fallout mode. Thanks, all!

Lizzie,

It's the bold people like you who save their marriages and make it through all this stuff.

Full marks to you. You are fantastic.

Lizzie, you are the poster girl for the proactive spouse who wants to save the marriage. Your rock! Keep up the good work, Lady.

Spent a lot of time last night staring up at the ceiling. Couldn't sleep. I just kept picturing the hurt in OW husband's eyes. I don't like my WH very much this AM. How do you take something that doesn't belong to you? He has been that guy in his past relationship - his fiancee cheated on him. Knowing how bad it feels, how do you do that to someone else?

I read Together Alone's "How the wayward get wayward" thread, and it makes a lot of sense. Intellectually, I get it. But this morning, my heart hurts for all of us.

Still feel great about the exposure though. Hardhat back in place, full body armor on. Let the fallout begin.

BTW, if WH asks for specifics about conversation with OW's husband, it's OK to tell him about how hurt he is, right? Will not make any DJ, will just be factual and calm.

Mornin' Lizzie -

I say yes. Considering OW's accusations of abuse, throw in "calm."

You know what to do. When H confronts you, recite your mantra and add in that the other family deserves a chance to recover as well. Expect your H to spew the "he's abusive" story. Also expect him to ask you who else you've told. I recommend you calmly list everyone by name, one by one, not "I told everybody." A list has more impact, I believe. Be sure to add, "and maybe a few more I can't remember - everybody was so concerned for you."

For what it's worth, I was "abusive," too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WAT

I have been half holding my breath all day, waiting for the fallout.
Nothing. Not a word from anyone.
I'm wondering if it is the calm before the storm? Maybe OW's husband decided not to confront right away?
Oh, well. I'll just keep waiting.

Time is on your side, lizzie. Just stay bizzie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Just got home from work. Drove by OW's house. Her car is there; husband's truck is not. Looks like she did not go to work today??????

Still in contact with WH's coworker. He has been emailing me and will keep me posted.

Hardhat still on.

OK, good.

Just sit tight.

It's tempting to poke around a bit to find out what's happening, but just don't. Some things are best left alone - don't need any more moving parts here.

Here's a suggestion: find the book "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman. Best book on the topic of infidelity, IMHO.

WAT

WH just called from work to say "hi". Remember that OW is not at work today! Still think exposure to OW's husband is being kept quiet.

He wants to come over in AM to get the plow on his truck and get his mail. He could get plow anytime, doesn't need me to be here. I know that he is using that as an excuse to get his Lizzie fix. I haven't pushed him to change his address yet - I figure that is a good opportunity to see him and Plan A. I will save that for Plan B.

Anyway, he is still coming over Friday.

Here is question #1. His email said he wanted to meet to talk about separation agreement. I responded with a Plan A letter. My plan is to just let him have his say and use it as an opportunity to Plan A. I will listen to his babble and tell him "Thanks for your thoughts. I will have to think about what you have said". Is that OK or does anyone have any other suggestions?

Question 2:
He asked me about going to the pool tournament on Saturday again. Said that BIL and SIL will probably be there, too. This is who we used to have dinner and play cards with every week. I still do that with them. Sounds like WH is trying to connect with his "old life". I told him I probably would, but would let him know for sure on Friday. I am thinking that this is a good day to have a really solid Plan A day, and will probably follow up with Plan B soon after. From what I have been reading, I think the time might be right. Looking for input. I haven't really been in Plan A that long, but it seems like WH can go about 3 or 4 days without any contact as long as he knows that we have something planned. But wondering if I should give Plan A more of a chance, especially in light of recent exposure to OW's husband.

Still waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan there. I thought I would post this now so that I can get lots of input and have a good solid plan in place before Friday.

I was cordial today, but a little reserved (still not liking him very much). Had a big impact on him. I could hear it in his voice. He is thinking "what's going on with my lizzie?".

Good Plan A opportunities. I say go for it IF you can avoid LB'ing.

As for continuation of Plan A - this has to be your call obviously. It makes sense to see the effects of exposure - all exposure should be completed during Plan A, IMHO.

Other than that, if you sense progress by all means continue Plan A. Keep in mind that until the separation is signed, he may be attempting to manipulate you with the nice-nice to get a more favorable deal. Devious, these WSs are.


Could be the fan is still clean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

At some point you may need to break radio silence with OWM.

WAT