Thanks Believer. This is me letting out a big sigh of relief <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />!! I am such an overachiever that it hurts. I just typed up a very long letter to send to my husband, but I think I will just sit on it for now. Thanks for helping me to put it all in perspective.

Hi Liz - I'll go with believer's assessment, not having directly observed this phenomena.

Based on reading other stories here, patience is indicated. It's hard for some folks to be humble and look deeply into the mirror.

Have you browsed on the In Recovery board?

WAT

Ok, I tried posting in the Recovery board, but it is slow there. I really need to know how to proceed through this tentative recovery. Is it like Plan A? It seems like a fine line between enforcing my boundaries and working on the M. Do I just need to exercise patience? This is hard for me as I am a doer. I like action. How much do I say to H about my feelings and needs? I've raed that he needs to drive the recovery, but he just wants to sweep it all under the rug.

I haven't seen a recovery driven by the WS yet. Maybe I need to read more on the recovery board.

Usually the WS comes back somewhat tentatively. It is true that he may not want to talk about things, but that is essential before he moves back home.

Stay in a great Plan A. You can let him know that you would love to have a marriage that was much better than before.

Give him lots of admiration - that is usually high on men's EN lists.

There is no hurry. Either this will work, or it won't, so take your time.

Hi Liz - I can't add anything.

But you're smart and I believe you'll do smart things - as long as you weigh your options without haste.

Please be patient. This crisis didn't develop over night - it won't be resolved by lunch.

WAT

I have been posting on the Recovery board and I don't want to be redundant by posting the same thing here all the time. Could you look in on me over there once in a while? I really value the advice and support that you are both giving me.

Thanks.

Can I just post here ?

SS waits ............


I'll take that as a yes.

Keep in mind some things.

You won't know for a while how this is going to work. That's not a bad thing, you are learning, and you are growing. Sorry about the pain, I know that part isn't fun.

It took time to come apart, it will take time to be put back together. As much as you want to know sooner, it may be later. You feel like you feel, he feels like he feels. You can't force feelings.
Hopefully both of you will feel closer to the other as time passes. You'll have to wait, and see.

You have options.
Remember you have control too. If you want out, you can have what you want. Don't think he has all the control.

This will be a trial and error thing.
For both of you.
Accept that he isn't perfect, and likely won't be. Realize he'll have set backs, as will you.

If on any given day, it seems to be all crashing down, wait a few days, and see if it changes. Never decide based on the feelings of a few days.

I admire your courage.

SS

My bad - I knew calling out specific people was probably not a good idea. Hope I didn't offend. I am always appreciative when someone takes the time to reach out and offer help or comfort. Your words have been a salve for my soul more than once. Thank you for being the voice of reason and the voice of calm. I am in such turmoil with all this because I DO want it fixed yesterday. Oh, where is my patience?

I was teasing you.
Relax.......
Smile a little bit.

SS

Hi. I read your thread on "In Recovery" and the letter you want to send to your H. I have a question. I'm in a similar situaion as yours and have considered sending a letter to my H.

Our situation is that my H is a repeat offender. I've exposed the A. I've talked to him about transparency. However he has complied very little. Didn't do NC letter.
Also, had expressed that he would like to still be friends with OW. And they work together.

I was wondering. Have you discussed transparency with your H and to the same detail as you did in the letter your posted in your theread "In Recovery"? Thanks.

Hi LLG.

My entire story is in this thread. I did Plan A, exposure, and Plan B - all with a lot of help from members here. The letter in the Recovery thread is one that I actually sent to my H 2 weeks ago. We are struggling with transparency. He answers any question that I ask but will not give me a key to his apartment. I really don't think he is still in contact - we sent a NC letter on 4-12, and I have been snooping since when he is not with me. Biggest issue is that H is a conflict avoider, and his apartment is his place to run and hide if things get to be too much. I am trying to be patient - again with help from my friends here.

I would not tolerate H and OW remaining "friends". No contact period. I would still be in Plan B if my H had not sent the NC letter. My H and OW also worked together, but after exposure to OWH, he made her quit her job. Their house is now up for sale and they are planning on moving south. Good riddance!!! We live in a small town, and I believe OW has pretty much gone through most of the men here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, she needs fresh meat (LOL). I might burn in he11 for my uncharitable thoughts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Anyways, I know this thread is kinda long, but maybe it will help you if you read it.

Good luck.

The no key thing bothers me. He may be in withdrawal, since the OW might be moving and he doesn't see her at work.

Take your time on this.

You said you don't know where his place is either. Or that he dosen't want you to go anywhere near it. That sounds like he may be hiding something. It seems that you are just the one that needs to be around his place to reassure you and hold himself accountbale. however I am learning.

My H is a conflict avoider also. I'm having problems with transparency with my H also. He says that I am acting suspiscious of him and it is annoying to him. So we are at an impasse right now. But I was just wondering if you had talked to your H about transparency before you sent the letter and if it spoke in just as much detail. I hope all works out and that your WH and you will make a full recovery.

You are a wonderful woman and your hubby does`nt deserve you. I hope that man wakes up before its really to late. Good luck hon

I don't have transparency either - W reminds me fairly frequently that she likes and needs her "privacy".

When I told her a couple of weeks ago that I had exposed to OMW and then asked her whether she had seen or talked to OM since Feb 21 (which she had told me repeatedly she hadn't) her answer was a classic:

"I don't want to answer that"

She said it twice - what a f'ing joke. I think her IC had told her to say that. Are they both idiots? I know W isn't, I sort of wish she were.

Of course, it took me about 1-2 minutes to get by that.

That still pisses me off (and I am pretty po'd right now).

LLG,

I do know where his place is and I have been there. He just doesn't want anyone there - his mother, his brothers, or me. I'm not sure what that is about but I think it his become his place to hide from his reality. Not sure, but I am going to proceed real cautiously and real slow. I have gotten a lot of good advice on both of my threads and I am trying to put it all together to work out a plan. I am going to counseling with my sons on Tuesday. Woman specializes in marriage and family counseling, comes highly recommended, so we'll see. I have had the transparency talk with my H. The letter just put it in writing so he will have something to refer back to.

Ok lizziedora. Many blessings to you and family. Hope counseling turns out well.

Gave H the letter that I posted in the Recovery thread - without the last line about not seeing each other. Did that on Saturday morning. Haven't seen or spoken to him since. Heard lots of fog talk while I was there - so I'm thinking there must have been contact. Not sure what to do at this point. Do I call him and ask straight out? Wait a little longer? Another Plan B?

Not sure I can do this again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

Took boys to first counseling appointment today. Counselor is going to meet with all of us and also me individually. Told her I was getting support on MB and she replied, "That's the Harley's right?". I asked if she was familiar and she said she was, and that it was a good place for me to be. So, I am very happy about that. I chose her from the yellow pages mostly because she specializes in all aspects of marriage and family counseling, so maybe I got lucky the first time out.

Still waiting for people to weigh in on the matter of reaching out to H or to continue to wait to see if he contacts me. Nothing since I gave him the love letter on Sat. AM.

I say be patient and wait. Glad you found a counselor that knows about marriage building.