Hi Liz -

My reaction to your letter is that it probably represents your sincere, heartfelt feelings - and would be a good journal entry for you at this moment. Your thoughts and feelings come across as genuine.

I suggest that when the time comes that you make up your mind to throw in the towel, that you just file for divorce and don't send this letter. It has served its purpose for you and giving your STBX H this look into your soul is being too accomodating to him. After making the decision to throw in the towel, you adopt the posture that you gave him all the chance he needed. After making that decision, this letter is moot. All it serves for communication to him is you lashing out at him. You're giving him too much power doing that, IMHO.

But if it makes you feel good doing it, fire away. Only you can weigh that benefit.

But to an outsider like me, it makes you come across as less confident and less classy than you are. You have no classy need to denegrate him. He is doing this very well by himself.

JMHO

WAT

It's a good divorce letter.

Before you send that one, would you be willing to send him one telling him what you need to get back together with him?

You may have already done it?
Forgive me if you did, and I missed it.

This would be the one where you say stuff like:

"If you want to get back together with me, you are going about it the wrong way. This is what I need from you if you want to be with me -

1. You chase me.
I'm finished worrying about what you are doing, where you are going, and who you are with. You want me, you come get me.

2. Become an open book.
Give me the key.
Tell me where you are, and what you are doing.

3. Put me first................."


You know, like this - but in your words, and what you need.

You can include counseling if you feel it is a must.
Deadlines - dates - can be included.

Now, this is a suggestion. If you are already finished giving him chances, I wouldn't blame you.

When things are up in the air, I always want to know where I stand. It wouldn't hurt to make it plain to him BEFORE you are finished.

Not having been in on the conversations between you and he, I am not sure if you already covered these kinds of things.

Sorry for the hurt - wishing you well.

SS

Just an update.

Still doing a lot of soul searching. I have been lurking occasionally, but mostly doing a lot of thinking. Have seen WH twice since my last post. He was at pool on the 17th. We barely spoke and he has since gone back to the team he played with last session.

He emailed me to say he needed some more of his stuff and came over Saturday morning. Again, we barely spoke. I look at him and see a stranger. A coward. I am about 98% sure that I will move forward with the D.

Got a phone call from a woman who works with WH on Sat. She was actually looking for WH. Apparently, everyone at his work thinks he is back home and we are working things out. Anyway, we chatted for quite a while and she told me a lot of things that make me sick inside about WH and OW's behavior at work. I also heard about several more of OW's affairs. It seems that everyone at work knew about this last October. This woman (who has known WH since he was born) even went to complain to one of the bosses and was told to mind her own business. It was not until I called in February that the subject was addressed.

I know that waywards are like alien abductees, but when I heard about all the carrying on they did at work from August until D-day, I can only think of the pain and turmoil I was going through. I was dying inside thinking that WH really wanted a child. I was searching the internet, making phone calls, and looking into options to make that a reality. I was crying myself to sleep every night. And he was chasing after someone else's wife. She had tried with almost every other guy there prior to starting up with WH. Nobody would touch her with a 10 foot pole...only my H.

Talking to this woman was a good dose of reality for me. As I struggle with this decision, it seems that I tend to only remember what was good, and I try to distance myself from his A. But I think that only hurts me more.

So that's it basically....still searching for an answer. I know I'll get there.

Sorry to hear that things are not going well. I'm sure the affair will end, but you may lose your love for him. I suggest that you put him on the back burner and start making a nice life for you and your boys.

Another step for you, Liz.

I know I was guilty for a long time of seeing recovery prospects through rose colored glasses. I saw XW and hubby OM Saturday at my son's HS graduation - receiving communion at the baccalaureate service (Catholic HS). She just "decided" she was Catholic and his prior marriage hasn't been annulled. But I have lesser "morals". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Your next step will be feeling a sense of relief that you are still sane and capable of thriving - if you're not there already. Do not forget you're a classy woman. It's OK, IMHO, to conclude he couldn't meet your standards. A no brainer? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes it seems the biggest hurdle to individual recovery is realizing our mistake - we were wrong that these WSs were good enough for us. At least that's MY story and I'm sticking to it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Though the news you are getting is new, the facts are about old stuff. Perhaps it is valueable information, I don't know.

Emtionally it is new, and it hurts. It hurts when you are perhaps at your lowest in wanting to restore your marriage.

If you are inclined to keep trying, it isn't good to hear about his old actions. It would be better to concentrate on what he is doing now. If he is doing nothing, and continues to do nothing, your decision will be made for you.

I worry he will start trying about the time you quit trying.

Remember you are free to choose. He can't take that away from you. That option is ongoing. You have power over your life too, and knowing that should help you.

God bless you to know what will be best for you, and give you strength to do it.

SS

Saw OW on Saturday. Was standing in line at the market and there was a woman in front of me - long dirty toenails, stringy hair, tight pants - nothing to write home about for sure. Looked dirty, cheap, and easy. You know how they swipe your savings card and in some places your name appears? Well, they swiped her card and I see it says "Welcome Toni S####". Time stood still. I looked at the screen and then I looked over at her. I believe she knows who I am. A million thoughts ran through my mind - do I introduce myself, do I say something out loud in front of other people, do I follow her outside and confront her? And I just can't stop thinking that THIS is what my WH threw it all away for. I expected someone who was drop dead gorgeous. WH said she was soooo cute and IRRESISTABLE. I couldn't believe it. In the midst of all this mental activity, I decided that she just wasn't worth any effort on my part. I looked her up and down and then over at her name at the screen and just turned my back on her.

That combined with 2 events that my WH was at also this weekend has me in great turmoil again. Saturday was a pool tournament. WH told me he had some mail for me. He finally changed his address and got some of my mail by mistake.

Sunday was really hard. BIL turned 50 and had a big party. Went for a brief time with the boys. Couldn't stay very long. It felt awful to be there but not really be there as my role in the family has changed. Don't know if that makes sense or not.

Still trying to move ahead and make peace with all of this. Still hurting.

Should we assume you didn't speak to her?

Probably a good idea.

I've imagined myself in similar settings, only OM was a former friend and there'd be no mistaking who was who. I think I'll remark to no one in particular, "What's that smell?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Liz - please do not compare OW to yourself or place any significance on her "quality" or lack thereof. Recognize that it was never about her. She was simply the readily available drug of choice. This is confirmed by the fact that very, very, very rarely do WSs "trade up." It's any port in a storm.

This is NO REFLECTION on you. To the contrary, assume he "settled" for the first opportunity. Stand tall and know that your actions have defined your integrity and he has to live with his actions, which similarly defined his.

WAT

No WAT - I didn't say a word. I hear what you are saying but it is hard to not compare. Strangley, I think this would have all made more sense if she HAD been something special. I believe that I am the better person - it's just hard to look at her and know that he chose her, that he thought she was better.

Maybe he rationalized she was "better", but I kinda doubt even this.

Turning to a drug for an escape from whatever one is fleeing doesn't suggest a conscious comparison or value judgement was made. He just got a dopamine rush. The "comparison" was a different "feeling". It wasn't about logic. Something about being involved with her provided a better feeling for him compared to whatever he was feeling before being involved with her. Her person had very little to do with it. How else can we explain his "choice"?

I know this is hard to accept, because I had to struggle with it as well. You and I are better choices than the OP. Period. It's obvious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Please don't allow self doubt to "rationalize" anything else. Let's leave the rationalizing to the losers. You and I are the winners.

WAT