I received a phonecall from MIL yesterday morning to tell me that her father had died in the early hours. This wasn't entirely unexpected, but was still a big blow. He was 87 and had been ill for some time.

Before he died, I had been looking ahead and worrying about what would happen when it was the time to attend his funeral. STBX 'forced' an introduction with OW on his grandparents just a couple of weeks ago (I still feel angry about this) so now she is introduced I knew that the OW would be attending any upcoming funeral. I now have no problem at all in attending the funeral with OW and STBX there together - after all, it's not about them, is it? - but I was worried about how awkward it might be for MIL.

As it happens, the girls and I are away to my parents for the week of the funeral, so I will be unable to attend in any case. I am actually very sorry - MIL's father was a lovely old man, and we got along very well together. I hope he understands that I wanted to be there.

My problem is this - I have been out of contact with STBX for nearly 7 months now. He is coming around today to pick the girls up for tea at his place. Should I break NC and offer him my condolences?

I am reminded that, several years ago when my own dear grandfather died, STBX behaved quite horribly. He went out that day and got drunk and freely admitted that he completely forgot that my grandpa had died. I am determined to behave better towards him than he did towards me in this respect, so I do think that I should break no contact and do the decent thing.

It is hard to imagine talking to him. He is a stranger.

Alph.

Dear Alphin,

Sorry to hear about the grandfather(s). Losing family is always hard. Don't expect the WS t/b good about this one either. He is sicko in the head and time others see it.

Send your condolences and be yourself. Keep you distance from the Ws. I would offer your condolences to your MIL not the Ws. The WS really isn't related to anyone.

Hugz,
L.

Thank you, Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I only need to give him five seconds at the door when he comes to pick the kids up. I think I will regret it if I don't offer my sympathies. It is something he will remember if he ever does come out of the fog.

Alph.

Hope he appreciates what you are doing for your H. But I doubt it. However, it isn't wasted if it makes you feel right.

I respect your decision.

What w/b sad is the WS using his own grandfather's furneral t/b still about the WS. They do that and it is sickening. Glad you won't be there to have to witness such foolishness.

Send your support to your MIL and family.

take care,
L.

I've just seen him.

I said I was really sorry about his Grandad, and asked how his mother was doing.

He couldn't even look at me, could barely speak to me.

Why does he still try to make me feel like I'm the one who has done something wrong?

Still, I'm glad I said it. Maybe one day, he'll appreciate I was genuinely concerned for his hurt and that of his family. But at the moment, you'd think I was spitting poison at him.

*sigh*

Alph.

((Alph))

I know that misplaced 'bad guy' stuff well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Jean.

I think he was also a little shocked to see me after all this time. Threw him off his guard. But if DD12 hadn't been standing right there, I don't think he'd have said anything at all to me. As it was, I just got a mumble. He didn't even say thank you when I told him I was sorry about his grandad - just 'Oh, OK'.

At least I was looking good - I'd just got back from lunch with a friend. I was wearing the new suit my Mom bought me - real classy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Not that he'd notice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yes, it has affected me, but not as much as I thought. I think it was worse for him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

This is the part that gets me!! Could some WS that finally had the fog lift give us BS a clue about this behavior? My WW, when we talk deeply about our future (or lack thereof) always acts as if I am the one who in some way has caused all of this. She is more bitter and angry with me than I am with her and I should be some bitter and angry that I need to be tied to an oak tree to keep from hurting someone. Yet, time after time she acts as if I am the one who did something terribly wrong. I don't get it. Anyone WS that can help us understand the mind set of a WS at this time in their life would be greatly appreciated.

I am not a WS but I believe that WS's act this way because by projecting the guilt onto the BS, that is the only way they can reconcile their own behavior with their conscience (or lack there of) and live with themselves. A coping mechanism.
It couldn't be their fault, after all...they were victims of the evil BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

This is what I think (about my own sitch, anyway):

1) STBX hates me for exposing the A, for 'hurting OW's mother' and 'trying to get him sacked' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

2) STBX is angry that I won't be 'friends' with him

3) He isn't as happy with the OW as he thought he'd be, and somehow that's my fault, too

4) I was so horrible to him that I 'forced' him to begin a PA with a work collegue, thus messing up his life

5) I have been 'very unreasonable' by refusing to communicate with him over the past seven months by any other method other than business-like letter

6) I am divorcing him, and I named the OW in the divorce papers.

7) I really think that my life is happier than his now, and this is what he really can't stand.

Y'know, I've only just realised #7 is 100% TRUE! Who've thunk it? I've really made it!

Yay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin,

"7) I really think that my life is happier than his now..."

What you just wrote there resonated with me. Maybe woke me up to something profound.

Even though we are almost two years into recovery I often still feel pretty darn low. Yet I just realized I am a lot happier than FWW. I am happier than she is now, and I am happier than she ever was during her LTA.

That is an amazing thought.

I did nothing wrong, even under my own temptations. Even though none of my ENs were met even a little bit for the entire decade of the LTA. Even though they are not met even now.

I always loved her. I still only want good for her.

I feel a lot better, maybe more solid is the way to put it, all of a sudden.

It's much more than my conscience is clear. I feel light and whole. And I will be even happier, no matter what, from here on out.

Joy is a good word to use. Joy in what I have done, tried to do and in what I have refused to do.

Thank you Alphin. You just made my day.

Don't know why, but I contracted this ear-worm after I read your thread. So, for Alphin:

She Let Herself Go
George Strait

He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye.
Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night.
But he had no idea, when he hit the road,
That without him in her life, she'd let herself go.

Let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

Instrumental break.

She poured her heart an' soul into their three-bedroom ranch.
Spent her days raisin' babies, ironin' his pants.
Came home one day from the grocery store and found his note,
And without him there to stop her, she let herself go.

Let herself go on her first blind-date:
Had the time of her life with some friends at the lake.
Let herself go, buy a brand new car,
Drove down to the beach he always said was too far.
Sand sure felt good between her toes:

She let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

To Vegas once: Honolulu, New York City.
Came back knocked-out pretty.


with prayers,


PS: You can hear it here, if you wish:

http://www.hit-country-music-lyrics.com/George-Strait-She-Let-Herself-Go-Lyrics.html

Thank you, Aphelion!

What a great Plan A/B/D song that is.

I'm very happy if anything I wrote helped to make your day better, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The girls just came back from STBX's place - he held a little party for her today as we will be away on her actual birthday.

I'm delighted that they had a nice time, but I can't help feeling a little 'left out'. STBX has really pulled the stops out to make his flat a fun place for them - he and OW had sprinkled shiny gold confetti all over the floor for the party. He never would have done something like that when we were together - OW must be giving him the ideas.

I am grateful that she and STBX tries to make things nice for them, but somehow it makes me feel all the more rejected, because STBX isn't one of those WS's who abandons the entire family. It's only me he's abandoned. Still, I'm close to getting over that. Sometimes I think that the OW might well be better suited to him, then I think - so what?

It's another thing to 'get used to'. And I will. I am honestly craving the D now, and looking forward to the time when I can finally do some things for myself when the girls are spending overnights with their dad. I can really let myself go then! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi Alph -

I can also vouch for Door #7. The door to happiness!

If I needed to choose, I'd be a BS instead of a WS any day of the week.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WAT
--------------
Time will tell if it's been time well spent.

Ah yes... forgot to mention.

When STBX came to collect DDs this afternoon, OW was with him in the car. I had already decided I was going to offer my condolences when he got there, so I wasn't hiding away like I usually do when he comes, I was right there, looking out of the living room window (note, we live in an upstairs flat). I watched as the car approached, and looked OW straight in the eye. As the car drew closer, she ducked down lower so that she could keep looking at me!

This is the first time she has seen me. I hope she was darned impressed, as I had super-big hair and my new suit on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I've made a couple of big steps today - spoke to STBX, and allowed myself to be scrutinized by the OW. STBX knows now (though he probably won't admit it) that I'm not the b*tch on wheels that he thought I was; I did the decent thing. OW knows that I'm not the hideous warty troll that she had imagined I was, either. I looked her in the eye. I'm not afraid of her!

Alph.

Alph - you're too cute!

Have a safe trip <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Cat

Hi WAT!

I never thought I'd get to this stage. When I think about STBX and OW, it seems that STBX is only happy when the kids are there. I never thought I'd feel sorry for him - couldn't understand when people here said they pitied the WS - but I get it now.

I think he is a very lonely man. I don't think that OW is fulfilling everything he hoped. I think he misses the kids like crazy, and I don't think it will be much better for him when they begin staying over. He'll only have them four nights a month. That's nothing. Apart from the alternate weekend overnights, he'll have them for dinner every Wednesday.

OW will have a heck of a large void to fill, I think.

Alph.

Thanks, Cat! I'm really looking forward to it.

Alph.

Awesome!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Quite proud of U! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Thanks, Orchid.

Alph.