Hi All, this is my first post, so thanks for any replies. I'm a mother of 2 and wife of almost 8 years. Before children, we had a very active sex life, but after I had my first child, sex was painful. We finally started using lubrication and that helped, but little by little I really just lost interest in sex. I always thought it was because I was so tired at the end of the day from working, taking care of the home and kids, etc, but now I wonder if it's because I'm not attracted to my husband. I also wonder if it's just a physical or mental problem with me. Sex always seems to be #1 on his list which also bothers me terribly. And it bothers me that he is always groping me and it makes me feel fat (still have those last 10-15 baby pounds to lose). I always tell him to stop but he doesn't. I still have sex with him once a week just to keep him happy, but he says it's not enough. I would like to know where should I begin to figure out what the problem is. I asked my doc about the physical part and he changed my birth control and said that it should help. I don't see much difference. I think I might have several problems to deal with, but I'm lost and don't know where to begin. Thanks!

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Sounds like you've read about ENs and have identified his. What about yours?

Did you read Lovebusters and about the Lovebank, also? I have a feeling that pre-children, your love bank was really full, so SF was active and fulfilling. Kids do take a lot out of you. You don't mention if it is still painful. Is it?

What does SF represent to your H? What does it represent to you? Since it is an emotional need, not just a physical one, this question is important.

I can tell you why I lost interest...resentments. I resented my H for not living up to my expectations and for him wanting SF without doing anything for me. Tit for tat. I lived by that. Not a good way to have a marriage. Sex also became painful for me, off and on, and I, too, did my duty. After five years of OB/GYN's saying it was something it wasn't, trying birthcontrol (which I wasn't on) shots and trying to reduce fibroids, I found out that a hysterectomy was an elective surgery and I could ask for it.

I'm much older, most likely, though you don't say. I began a whole new life after surgery. No pain, all gain.

I let go of my resentment and enjoyed the heck out of SF. Didn't stop my marriage from going down the tubes, though. My H still held resentment for me doing my duty. It represented my acceptance of him, enjoyment of his love and admiration. Ooops. I lovebusted that one, huh?

You're judging his ENs, like what we need defines us, makes us good or bad. If SF represents acceptance and love in a physical way of connecting to you...would that be a bad #1?

You feel fat when groped. Not his doing. Yours. Same with your attraction or no attraction for him.

During bad times, my H looked very unattractive to me. I could find 10 things appalling about him at any given time. And it was during those times when he wanted SF the most--because he could feel my disconnection, disapproval and became desperate for feeling accepted. Quite a revolving door, huh? In marriage, there are a lot of those.

You don't feel respected because he won't stop groping. If you make groping your boundary after reading what I wrote above, then what would be the consequences of him groping? What actions would you take?

If you don't see a difference with what your doc suggested, go back and tell him, not good enough! Or get a second opinion.

The good news is on the mental side of your question. If you have a problem with resentments, you have the cure for it in your own hands! It is where I started first. Helped get all the other stuff into perspective. Resentments blur reality and smudge truth. We pile them up because they feed us in a way. Like junk food. Temporary benefits to long term harm.

How you feel about your body (your expectation of being thinner than you were pre-kids) is within your control, also. Sounds like your H thinks you're hot as you are and you won't respect him enough to believe him. He thinks you're hot, but you don't. Sounds like something within your control, too.

Good news all the way around. And you're here! You care about your marriage and yourself enough to root stuff out.

Awesome.

LA

Thanks so much for the reply. I'll go through and answer your questions. Sex isn't painful all the time, just sometimes but for most parts it's enjoyable. It's just getting in the mood is what I don't want to do. It's like a task, has it been a week since we last had sex, then ok, if not, don't bother me (even though he bothers me almost everyday). I haven't read the books you mentioned. I'm 32. What are EN and SFs? EN=emotional needs? I don't know what mine are, I don't know if I have any? Actually I do want to feel attractive, but I think I want other men to find me attractive.. or maybe not other men, but other people. Not to have an affair or anything like that, but it's like your parents, they HAVE to say you are beautiful right? That's how I feel about my husband wanting me, he has to. I do know I want him to grow up a little and help around the house without making me nag him. Does that count? I do think he uses sex sometimes as getting a connection with me since we aren't intimate at all. Pecks on the lips, short hugs that's about all we do and that's ok with me but not him and I don't blame him, but I'm not interested in anything else. I don't like deep kisses anymore, I'm always the one that pulls away from the hugs. But I also think he is just horny and it isn't me that he wants, just sex. So to me, I think it's probably a 70/30 split for him, physical/emotional. Youre right, I do have control to change the "I'm not attractive" problem. But even if I was over it, would that help? I'm not sure about your groping question.. when he gropes I just yell at him to stop and that I don't like it, but it doesn't matter to him. I had planned to talk to my doc about the problem, but there just never seems to be enough time in the day.

You definitely have ENs, DINH (abbreviating your name)...close to Dinah...I like that.

We all do. You might not be in touch with any of them...I wasn't! I was all out giver/pleaser/fixer and didn't look out for myself.

SF..sexual fulfillment. Here's a link to abbreviations:

MB Abbreviations

If you want to feel attractive, and that depends on how others see you, then that EN would be admiration and appreciation, I think. What do you think?

No, my parents do not have to say I'm beautiful. They feel THEY do because admiration is their love language. It's not mine, lol. I wanted my H to say I was beautiful and desirable, but when he did, I wouldn't believe him. In the last two years I've been practicing self-admiration, appreciation and acceptance. Triple A program. Works wonders.

You slipped out of your ENs right back into what he isn't doing for you by saying you want him to grow up. You really have to read LoveBusters. How would you feel if your H felt that way about you?

You sound very honest, so I'm not bashing you. Just pointing out that how you view the world is up to you. Not the world.

Help around the house...Domestic Support. DS. Not to be confused with Dear Son. Anyway, sounds like acts of service are a love language for you.

And Affection. That might be your H's top EN, also, because SF and Affection are really closely related.

Were you really affectionate when your lovebank was full?

Is it something you miss or have coaxed yourself out of wanting it?

If his affection feels like a pass to you, then that's in your control, too. Sounds like you feel invaded by your H's attention.

See, by disrespectfully judging (DJ) your H by assuming he only wants a warm body and you're there for the taking, you are lovebusting him and yourself. No connection through words? Communication? Conversation? Could that be a big EN for you?

When you yell at him to stop, you're lovebuster. Next time, whisper. If he doesn't, remove yourself from the room. If he pursues, then tell him how you feel, "I feel groped like an object. I feel anger and frustration and very disrespected by you." If he continues, remove yourself from the house for 15 minutes.

Those steps are boundary enforcements. You decide how to protect your boundary, of what sounds like to me, is respect.

Do me a favor and make paragraphs? Don't worry about length of your post...I really enjoying all that you have to say. It is very difficult for me to seperate your thoughts and refer to what you wrote when it is lumped together.

Getting the books is a good start...His Needs, Her Needs goes over the ENs and the lovebank. Lovebusters is its own book, too. You can also read Harley's articles here on this site through links at the top of the page on all of them. Lots of great stuff here.

Some non-Harley material you might be interested in...

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "The Seven Principles of Marriage."

LA

doineedhelp,
I will ask few question before to say anything. first of all I agree with the point that women's SF get changed after child birth saying that still they get Orgasms and if women start satisfying them by masturbating they feel less atractive toward their patners. I am not sure if this is the case with u. the reason I said this cause I was watching a program on the tele with the same problems couples were going through. those womens who were trying to hide their feelings from their Hs end up with divorce and the once who opened up their feelings to their Hs they were having good relationship on the same time keep trying to overcome to this problem.

So u have to communicate with ur H and tell him all your feelings otherwise you will be in kind of depression feelings where you are hiding ur own feelings and your H got no clue how to help u out.

I got the feeling that my wife was in the same situation. everytime I ask her for sex she get frustrated and we were hardly having sex once in a month. and I cannot remember that if my wife had made any advance to start sex. and whenever I asked her why is that, she simply tells me that she don't get feelings. and most of the time she is tired and need rest. but before we seperated she told me that she use to do masturbating in day time therefore she never felt any attraction towards me.

so you have see all these areas. and most importantly communicate with your H and tell him how u feel.
KFH

Loving has given you great advice. I could have written parts of her post!

Do you enjoy sex? Are you having orgasms? When I didn't enjoy sex and didn't have orgasms it wasn't a big deal to me if I didn't have it. Now that I do enjoy and have orgasms, well, the more I have with my husband, the more I want. I read that somewhere too.

Men do not like to feel that SF is an obligation to you. They want to feel like you want it just as much as they do, and that it's just as good for you. What about showing him what you like?

LA, thanks for the link, makes it much easier for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here are the answers to your questions.

If you want to feel attractive, and that depends on how others see you, then that EN would be admiration and appreciation, I think. What do you think?

Yes, you are right, I do think that is something I would like.

Were you really affectionate when your lovebank was full?

That was a while ago, but when we first started dating, yes definitely, we made out whenever we had the chance.

Is it something you miss or have coaxed yourself out of wanting it?

I don't miss it because I don't enjoy his kisses, etc, it seems.

No connection through words? Communication? Conversation? Could that be a big EN for you?

We do talk, communication doesn't seem to be a problem for us. He knows I'm not interested in sex but he also knows that I want to make him happy too even if that means having sex when I don't want to.

Thanks for the reply KFH and sharing your experiences. I do actually rely on masturbation, but we do that together during the act and I don't do it alone..never have time lol. I wonder if my issue is not being attracted to him anymore and I know that would hurt him so I haven't said anything about that to him. I have said that I would like him to exercise with me several times, but he really hasn't gotten the hint yet. Since I'm not sure if that's the problem, I don't want to say anything yet. I don't make any advances to start sex, that is all him. I did give him an extra Valentines present by initiating sex that morning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh, DINH...I LOVE the underscores for quotations. I think you've hit on something here. Good graphical eye.

Boy, I sound more important that way to myself. LOL.

Try filling out the EN questionnaire for yourself. I know it is difficult, but you don't have to run through it. You can consider it over a few days and see what you come up with. I was guessing like crazy from your posts and you know yourself a heckuvalot better than I do.

From your answers, sounds like if he fills your Lovebank back up to where it was when you were dating, he will get his ENs met as well as meeting yours. I know you meet the SF. He knows you don't do it gladly. That's half meeting that EN, IMHO. Also, you sound like your Giver has taken over your life and your Taker is ready to pounce and take over.

Did you read about the Giver and Taker?

Here's that link (glad you like the service) The Giver and the Taker

Also, when you're at that article, look on the left and right sides of the page for more links to all sorts of great articles. Uhm, please? Easiest way to get there.

My definition of affection includes a touch on the shoulder in passing...or the hair, face...holding hands, hugs, back and foot rubs, any touch at all. Play footsy counts in my book. Words are affection, too (they touch the heart). Terms of endearment.

Last thing...since you don't miss what you once enjoyed, I suspect some resentments have piled up over your love for your H. Removing these will help for you to feel more loving and to receive love easier. Resentment can block any love deposits your H may be trying to make.

Here's the link to a thread about Resentments and an exercise you might want to try Our Resentments Read down toward the middle of the page.

Sounds to me like I'm giving you homework. Ack. Well, I guess that is what it is, huh? Home-Marriagework. There's no test and you can't fail from studying, though. No judgment here at all, 'k?

LA

Thanks also to coachswife for the reply. I guess I do enjoy sex while in the act and do have orgasms. It's just that I could do without it, you know?

Men do not like to feel that SF is an obligation to you. They want to feel like you want it just as much as they do, and that it's just as good for you. What about showing him what you like?

I completely agree. My husband would love for me to initiate sex but I don't because I don't want to have sex. But like I told KFH, I did do it on Valentines. He knows what I like so that doesn't really seem to be an issue. He always makes sure I am satisfied.

I often fantasize about other men. Is that an issue?

LA, youre right, I have a lot of homework to do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'll take a look at the links you've included and get back to you.

Thank you for your contributions, CW. You seem to have a good handle on this issue.

A question: How did you go from not enjoying sex to enjoying sex?

"I often fantasize about other men. Is that an issue?"

Yes. A big one.

LA

I wish my husband was still home. Just before we divorced our active sex life became quite hindered. He was worried I would get pregnant again. And more than that, my post pregnancy body made me feel less sexy and less interested. You see it wasn't about him. It was about me not feeling sexy. Now we have been divorced for 3 years and trying to reconcile for the last 2 years. I don't recommend divorcing your life partner or the man who is your soul mate and love of your life - even if he is the person who asked for it. My point is that 3 years after our divorce I'm at one of my heaviest weights but losing weight and starting to feel good again. We have a nice love life now after divorce compared to what it was like just before as you describe in your post. Make love deposits in as many ways as makes you comfortable. Love your body for what it is. Love your husband for wanting you and not another woman and show him how deeply you care and how deeply connected you are when you "make love" to him instead of just having sex with him. Look him straight in the eyes while you are in the act and tell him what makes you feel good in whatever way works best for you. You are blessed to have a man who wants you.

I AM HAVING THE SAME SORT OF ISSUE, MY SON IS 10 MONTHS OLD AND SINCE HE'S BEEN HERE THERE'S NO INTEREST IN SEX. MY H CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT BUT I JUST DON'T WANT TO. IT FEELS GOOD AND I DO HAVE ORGASMS (THEY'RE HARD TO ACHIEVE DUE TO THE FACT MY DOCTOR PUT ME ON AN ANTI-DEPRESSANT WHICH HAS THAT AS A SIDE EFFECT). HIS ADVANCES ANNOY ME UNTIL I GIVE IN AND IT STARTS TO FEEL GOOD AFTER THE FACT, IT'S JUST THE INITIAL "GETTING GOING" THAT I ALMOST.....DREAD I GUESS. I HATE TO SAY IT BUT I DO. I'M SO TIRED AND WORN OUT. BESIDES OUR SON I WORK FULL TIME FROM 4PM UNTIL MIDNIGHT. AHH! I'M A MESS!

so what happens when she does have an affair.. and you want to R... but at this moment she doesnt know what she wants... i dont want the SF i just want the EF back again.. i miss my family...

that was one of our problems and then one night i asked a girl if i kissed her would she tell my wife and she said yes.. Nothing happened after that No CONTACT or any thing else.. well i told my wife and she got pissed off. well one thing led to another and she had sex with my 19yo brother in sept.. they new it was wrong wife and i went to MC she stopped then i did the they starting back up again and then they started to have feeling for eachother. i found out about all of this on 1/6/06 and now we are seprerated and she is living in my house with him... what can i do.. was it really me that caused all of this with my wanting to have SF more than she did... i mean i work alot and when we are together we really dont talk about what we are really feeling... i truelly love this women but i try to show it and when i do it shows. but when i do those things like a deep kiss, grab her, hug he strongly, or make sexual comments she closes up.. how can i get her to notice that what she is doing is wrong and that i know what im doing is wrong and im working on it.. instead of it being just me and her having her cake and eating it too..

Hi,
Today is my first time on this forum. In regards to your situation I understand how you feel. I have been with my husband for 10 yrs married 4. In the beginning everything was very nice. Now I'm always tired. My husband constantly thinks about sex that he stays up at nite to watch porn on the computer. He saves all these pictures which bothers me so much. I'm about to confront him about this tomorrow when he comes back from busi trip. I have a 3yr old i just quit my job on friday and feel i at times have to make myself have sex eventhough i dont want to. I figure if i dont he will find it somewhere else. I say marriage is not easy!
I've been more honest with him and hes been more honest with me in regards to this situation. We need to find time for each other.. no matter how tired we are. I have this set in my mind already...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [color:"orange"] [/color]

She says he gropes her and doesn't stop even when she tells him to and that it's a daily thing. This sounds like he just wants to control her and is using sex as a weapon. He's not respecting her wishes or feelings. Am I the only one that thinks hounding her daily after 8 years and 2 kids is a bit excessive? This sounds like a borderline-abusive relationship to me. I wonder what would happen if she truly put her foot down and refused instead of giving in to get it over with?

My H gropes every day too but I dont see it as abusive, he loves me... loves my body.. I dont so it does nothing for me when he does it but he thinks he's making me feel better about my body. Could it be something like that?