Longhorn/Noodle

Thank you for your input, but I think I will let this thread go since my husband doesn't agree/appreciate it.

Noodle as far as my decision of where I'll go/do, it isn't I have to ask permission/opinion to go/do anything. I reviewed his boundaries again and I'm reminded that my feelings don't count/matter. I must stay wihtin the realm of the his boundaries.

Thanks again to all and have a good day.

No you are letting this thread go because you do not want to get specific. What do you want to do ? What were the oppurtunities you mised out on. Where they OM or what? Please answer if you want help we can help. You come across as whinney and not real sure what you want.

Hey eagle t00000. Sorry never posted to you before. I just finished reading your thread. And I see a LOT of problems. And a LOT of self-justifications and no VALID reasons for your attitude. So what if you BETRAYED husband doens't like your thread? What has THAT got to do with you refusing to give details as to why you think it is okay for YOU to justify YOUR actions be BLAMING him?

That is like saying EVERYBODY hates me. Hello! Unless you are Sadam or soemthing that is such a sweeping generalization it holds no water. It is an excuse to change NOTHING. It does NOT accept resposnbiity for the DAMAGE and the BETRAYAL and the LIES you have INFLICTED on YOUR fmaily. THe ones YOU VOWED to protect and to be with and put FIRST.
I see experienced posters asking you for SPECIFICS as to your H RUINED your life and YOUR opportunites. I SEE that you have nothing to give as an example. HE is not respsonbile for YOUR POOR choices. All I SEE is EXCUSES for YOU not to DO anything positive.

ARE YOU HONEST? DO you STILL keep secrets. Are you an open book? Have you maintained NC? HAve you gone to your BS when you have been tempted? ANY of that?

Focussing on WHY you don't want to have sex is redirecting the focus on REPARING the damge that has been FORCED on your fmaily by your actions. SO instead of worrying about SF. How about WORKING on your M and your fmaily? This is NOT all aobut you. YOur fmaily is the VICTIM of this. And yes even yourself.

IMHO, I think that you BOTH could use COMMUNICATION skills. In additoin to some SERIOUS counsleling. I only see you trying to NOT change the things that contributed to this mess.

ANd when you say immature, childish thngs like "i hav eto let got of this thread becasue H doens't care about your feeling" Are you kidding me? How is THAT working on YOURSELF OR on your M OR on anything excetp giving yourself reason to NOT change YOUR behaviour?

I am NOT saying that your H doens't have room for improvement WE ALL DO. But come on who are you trying ot convince. Playing that POOR me WOE is me card, is just plain well it is not productive. ACTING Like a VICITM to get your way is so a 4 year old's approach. Sheesh!

Oh and until you can be honest with a IC do not bother to go. You must be honest and be specific with them as well. Sorry to be so frank with you but I felt you needed this.

I just thought of soemthing that I have not seen in your post.
What EXACTLY have you done to contribute to the helath of your family?
What exactly have you done to REPAIR the damge you have done?
Are you transparent?
Are you HONEST ALWAYS?
WHAT EXACTLY have you done to move forward? Like plan a date, plana romantic dinner? ANYTHING?

DO you have a PLAN to get a better M. DO you have a PLAN at all?

WHat is YOUR goal? Is it to have a far better M or to just get over the disgrace that you caused your self by YOUR actions?

Big difference ins't there? Between ACTIVELY working TOWARDS a fantastic M and trying to do damge control.
Are you POJAing EVERYTHING? And if you have problems with that, why are you not ACTIVELY looking fo ran MB weeeknd or soemthing to HELP you BOTH talk together better?

So as MS jacksons song says, what have YOU done for your M lately?

This whole affair is MY FAULT!!!! I have apologized to husband and kids.


Some specifics on opportunities; chance to fly in a Blackhawk helicopter(whole hospital), gospel concert at local church,sky dive(thrill after flying F-15), chance to make next rank in Air Force. I have always supported his dreams/goals 110% and would like the same. He has apologized for the issues and I have put in the past. The main issue is that I feel controlled and not an equal, so when husband asks for specifics I mention these.

I feel that I have no secrets left, but husband may disagree with this. I have maintained strict NC since mid March.

We are in counseling with Jennifer on a regular basis and it has helped some. I mentioned to her about the contact and also told her that I not stopped any of things asked of me. For example reading books, on MB website, constant notification of where abouts. She told me that it was good that I had continued working on the marriage and gave me the extraordinary measures which are being adhered to.

I am honest with myself and what makes me unhappy and have discussed with husband. He tells me that I use honesty as a love buster, I don't believe I am. As far as this thread; he wants me to be on here and ask questions, but will bring it up later and I feel like I'm being scolded.

We spend time together, whether we're cooking, running errands (without kids), took a walk (plan to do more),show affection to him, intamacy, holding hands,riding motorcycle and dinner/movie out with kids. We have dicussed dates, but haven't yet. I have promised to get a physical to check out my hormone level to see if that is a problem at husband's request. I set up a physical love bank for us both, we deposit coins into our individual banks when appropriate. I tell husband thank you for things, deeds that he does for me usually followed by a kiss.

The plan is work on marriage for out kids, I don't want to lose my kids. I hope that the relationship will be better than before, never felt like a full partner. I would give in to what he wanted. I would love to be myself as a couple and individual. Where my thoughts/dreams/ideas/goals matter all of the time not just when husband agrees with them.

We are working on POJA's with Jennifer now and husband has one for not having a male friends. We will only have couple friends. I ahve asked for a list of things to POJA.
on.

I would like to have a face to face counselor again, we used husband's IC as a marriage counselor. After an incident during a session I don't feel comfortable with him anymore. I'm currently trying to get in with an IC in the same association.

I apologize to you if you thought that I had/have an attitude. Thank you for your opinions have a good day.

Thank you Eagle for the clarifications.

Now I have something that I can offer comment on.

I didn't know that you were in recovery for an A..

..and I don't care. Not with regard to these issues anyhow.

So..if the appropriate boundaries have been established and are maintained..then the A probably has little or nothing to do with your current marital problems.

I refer to attitudes and dynamics here.

So..let me approach a few issues in my general stream of consciousness sort of way...and hopefully..as a whole it will make some sort of sense.

You have said that you have given up opportunities that you now regret having given up..feel controlled..don't feel a respected individual..etc..

Quite a few things along this line..and I can almost taste the resentment rolling off of you in waves.

Trouble is..the anger is misplaced..to an extent.

Since you are here..I'll deal with you..and let's try to further separate where your choices merge with your Hs wishes.

I see a vast gaping lack of POJA.

Probably an overlooked area of your marriage..particularly with respect to A recovery...but so very important..and such a big part of FEELING respected..FEELING an individual.

The part of these choices that you own..was that you did not stand your ground. You caved in the face of his disapproval instead of holding the line and insisting on finding a solution that you could BOTH be happy with. It is doable if THAT IS THE GOAL. If one person is still trying to win or unwilling to bend..it won't work..that would be a non-negotiable area..and should be admitted as such. A boundary.

Let me give an example. I require fidelity in my M. Regardless of Hs fellings or wishes..it is not negotiable. Therefore it is a boundary.

Another example...

Perhaps we find ourselves with an excess of cash..and have to decide what to do with it..we disagree on how to do that..that can be negotiated..not a boundary.

Perhaps he DOES have some controlling tendancies..they will not become readily apparent until you learn to establish healthy boundaries re your own wishes etc.

Do not agree to something you actually disagree with. No matter what. Even if he is mad. It is dishonest..it will build resentment. Very destructive.

On the other hand..we do not do well to disappear into independant behavior either.

That is the attitude that says.."I'll do what I like..whether you like it or not"

This is equally destructive..and POJA is neither.

POJA means..we BOTH committ to chewing on this issue until we find a solution that we BOTH are ENTHUSIASTIC about. [not merely accepting of]

What I see you doing is swinging back and forth between the two.

Going from.."Fine, I'll do what you want and disappear to myself [while gritting my teeth and hating you every minute of it wishing there was some way out of this marriage with losses I could accept]

TO..

"I'm going to be my OWN person and make ME happy whether you like it or not..." probably played a role in your A..I'm just sayin'.

I think your counselor is dead on to be working on POJAs with you.

I notice though..that you really are still just going along with some things that you don't seem to agree with...for example not having opposite sex friends.

What ARE your thoughts re male friends? You are probably familiar with Harleys thoughts on the issue..and I agree with him completely..because as a person who DOES naturally gravitate toward male companionship..who DOES enjoy the added zing of attraction..that even an "innocent" or platonic friendship..even if it never for one moment stepped over the line..is still TOO much of a risk and not WISE to allow as a factor.

Why should my H have to wait and wonder and just hope that whatever friend I currently have and I just don't go there?

That is an unfair position for me to put my H in..and coming from an A..it is doubly so for you...and..and yet..I sense resentment there. Reluctance to let go of that aspect of life. That once again you are agreeing to something you don't really agree with. Why?

Drat, out of time..but I'll check in later..