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Hi - Now I have to let what you guys said sink in. I really thought he was coming out of the fog. This is the very first letter that actually says anything about being sorry or that he wants to take steps toward making me trust him.
I know - that darn sentence about OW and protecting her. That sticks out like a sore thumb. I'm not ignoring it, but do see the good points in the letter too.
MelodyLane - I did send the note down with DS today. I will see what the repsponse is to that when he drops off.
I know that he is not totally out of the fog. Mulan, you believe he is in thicker?? You think he's trying another strategy? It just doesn't seem like he would send me a letter like that if he was further into the fog.
I know, you vets here are probably right on. My heart just doesn't want to accept it.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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So, what if a letter is sent back up with DS tonight saying:
"I have ended the Affair."
Then what? That doesn't change that he still might have feelings for OW. Right?
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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If he does that, then he needs to convince you he is committed to repairing the damage in your marriage. The first such demonstration would be a SINCERE letter of no contact to the OW, which demonstrates that he understands what he did was WRONG and shows that he values YOUR FEELINGS more than that ho-bag. Just because he says words does not mean he doesn't have to prove himself.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Heck, the only reason for this letter is to sucker you into thinking he's going to consider working on the marriage. When he has you suckered into believing that, he's going to try to sucker you into the refinancing to resolve his financial woes. You see, when you didn't jump in a rescue him when he asked outright for the money, he strategized and came up with a new approach to get the money...
Regards,
BB BINGO!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That doesn't change that he still might have feelings for OW. Kim, trust me, he won't be the first wayward spouse to still have feelings for his/her affair partner!!! He has to commit to the marriage and end the affair. Any feelings he has for OW will fade with time. When my wife came home, she had strong feelings for OM and no feelings for me at all. I heard her tell friends on the phone it was the best and worst time of her life. Blah, Blah, Blah. Just pure & simple foggy talk. But she was committed to working on our marriage and giving us another go. As we started applying Marriage Builders principles, we fell in love again. We developed passion in our marriage. She now tells people it was an awful black pit she was in and it was the worst time of her life. In short, ignore his foggy talk and instead look at what he does. Get a genuine commitment from him to your marriage and a commitment to end the affair and establish no contact immediately. And make sure he follows up those words with actions. Personally, I wouldn't be worried if he still has feelings for OW. They will fade over time and will fade as you rebuild your relationship.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Alrighty........ will keep you posted!
Say some prayers for me!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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What Are Plan A and Plan B? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. "Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B. "Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kim-
Just tread carefully.
As we know I fall into the " In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair ." catagory.
Be strong girl....I personally think it sounds like he is beginning to dislodge his head from his anus, he's just not there yet.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Thanks MelodyLane for posting the link....I will definitely read it.
So, I feel like I am at a standstill. And I feel like I need to address the counseling question. "WH, there is no point in going forward with counseling until you have ended all pursuit of OW. If you want to "give it a try" with me and keep OW at the same time, it won't work."
Kim
Last edited by kimberly234; 03/02/06 10:17 PM.
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Caren - Thanks for your post. I'm just going to hang tight.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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You know what? He doesn't GIVE A DAMN about the conditions in your letter because he is hoping that HE can take back control and set the conditions himself. He is hoping you will fall for that. He is being purposely OBTUSE in order to draw you out. He has the Plan B letters and has your note, that is all he needs to know. He knows what he has to do.
Just ignore him until he is sincere. He ain't sincere yet. He is getting there, but isn't there yet.
didn't your note today state that ending his affair was the goal?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yep, I think he knows what to do - thinks he can manage the steps in our recovery. Right.
OW has blown him off. He has not ended anything. He doesn't want to "end" it in hopes that she will want him one day.
Kim
Last edited by kimberly234; 03/02/06 10:19 PM.
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Hi Kim,
Just wanted to lend my support. I would have fallen for the letter too if he hadn't added those last two sentences about OW. Dang! At least he is questioning himself now and that is good. When he is ready to put your feelings above hers, than you know his heart is true. Hang in there.
S.
Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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I think that he thinks one of the conditions in my letter was "signing a No Contact Letter". There was nothing in there that stated that.
Kim
Last edited by kimberly234; 03/02/06 10:21 PM.
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He still thinks he can negotiate his way out of this. Did you notice that? Unfortunately, he has no leverage with which to negotiate anymore. Those days are long past.
I wouldn't even bother to respond. He has your letters and knows very well the conditions. He just wants to ignore them. Ignore him and he will get the message you are serious.
I think he is fairly close, Kim. This isn't a bad sign. It means that your Plan B IS working and he is starting to feel great discomfort. That would explain all these empty offers. He still wants to have it on his terms. But when he sees he can't get it on his terms, he will come around to your terms. So just hold out until that happens. It is not so far off.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, if he was in contact with OW a month ago, perhaps you should send another note to OWH letting him know it has continued?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Shattered -
Thanks - he is just missing some very important words here. Then I have to see action.
I was thinking this afternoon about all the things I want to do with him again. About how neat this is going to be starting all over again. That we could actually get a second chance. How I want to hold his hand.
It takes two though. I cannot do this by myself.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, if you hold out, you will get that!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Kim, I wrote this thinking of you and Shattered and Caren. Recovery Readiness I don't think your WH is there yet, but he is moving closer instead of farther away.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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I think he is fairly close, Kim. This isn't a bad sign. It means that your Plan B IS working and he is starting to feel great discomfort. That would explain all these empty offers. He still wants to have it on his terms. But when he sees he can't get it on his terms, he will come around to your terms. So just hold out until that happens. It is not so far off. I can do it. I can hold out. "Kim, the Affair is over. I have ended it." That's what I need. Even though I want to direct him, I will do my best to ignore it and continue on as usual. I will do this Plan B to the fullest that I can! I get tingly just thinking about it. I need to pull myself back down to earth. Also, if he was in contact with OW a month ago, perhaps you should send another note to OWH letting him know it has continued? Oh, man. You would have to catch that! Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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