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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, what is your next step? Get the NC letter & see what it says. I have a feeling I won't approve..... Does he realize that the letter needs to go to the OWH also? That he owes him amends? Kim
Last edited by kimberly234; 03/11/06 07:11 PM.
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If he is unsure, then why do you think he is doing this? Is it because he is broke?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It sounds like you did GREAT!! So happy for you that the conversation went well and you stood your ground.
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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I would continue to test his sincerity, Kim. Make him prove to you that he is sincere. If he questions, then he shouldn't be coming back now. Keep telling him this. So true. That's one of my concerns. I will just keep putting it back on him. "If you are not ready, then we don't need to talk any further." Now go do something fun and rewarding. C/b something simple like indulging in good chocolate, favorite deseert, Starbucks, Jamba juice, good glass of wine.....something rewarding. U deserve it. Thanks Orchid - Have already poured myself a glass of wine!! I'm one of those people though who will try to go back and see how I could have done that better....Thank you, thank you!! ML - I'll go check out that link.
Last edited by kimberly234; 03/12/06 09:56 PM.
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It sounds like you did GREAT!! So happy for you that the conversation went well and you stood your ground. Thanks Jean. There's a LOT of work to be done here - it seems like he feels that he was the only one suffering in our M before the A. I know my needs are going to have to take a backseat to his. Kim
Last edited by kimberly234; 03/12/06 09:57 PM.
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You did absolutely GREAT!! I so remember such conversations..YOUR HEART WAS ABOUT TO BEAT OUTSIDE OF YOUR CHEST, right? This was happening while you were trying to keep your voice calm... You mentioned expecting him to be HAPPY...IT WILL TAKE MONTHS FOR HIM TO BE HAPPY...Remember 3 to 6 months of withdrawal and he is reorienting to the real world... Eventually you can let him know that you do not EXPECT TOO MUCH from him... His LOVE for you is THERE INSIDE and WILL CERTAINLY RETURN... He sounds almost EXACTLY like my FWH.... He's FOLLOWING THE SCRIPT.... Hoping and praying for you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by mimi1254; 02/26/06 10:41 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Kim, i wish you could have Steve Harley speak to him to determine if he is truly ready. Would you consider that? He routinely wants to speaks to WS's before they are allowed to come back. It is because letting them come back too early before there is a recovery plan in place is the kiss of death.
I don't sense that your H would even be interested in a recovery plan, though. Do you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML - I printed out the info from that link....I'll read it over. You think I should give that to WH?
Mimi - Please, keep praying for me. I need all of the encouragement I can get here!! One step at a time, right? He just doesn't feel connected to me at all.(Gee, I wonder why?)
ML - I forgot to ask him specifically what his Plan was for healing our M. I will get the NC letter & perhaps see if we can talk again after. I will bring that subject up. I think having him talk with SH is a good idea. I don't know how open WH will be to that, but if he wants to rebuild it will be in his best interest. WH spoke with SH back in September of last year.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Ahh...
ML is probably speaking of the need to prevent the dreaded FALSE RECOVERY..
Speaking from my past MISTAKES (plural, that is), it's essential to set up EXTREME PRECAUTIONS.. He will need to be willing to make his life an open book and to be completely accountable to you regarding his time..cellphone usage, etc...all free time together during early stages of RECOVERY...
Recovery is DIFFICULT..much harder than PLAN A or PLAN B...
Your WH will return to you as a wounded, broken man...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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He just doesn't feel connected to me at all.(Gee, I wonder why?) This won't happen FOR A LONG WHILE either... I told my FWH that it will come..and it did... AFTER WITHDRAWAL..WITHDRAWAL IS AS REAL AS THE FOG...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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ML - the printed material. I think I will hold onto that for now. Wait just a bit unitl WH is more ready for it. I'll have to see what kind of an attitude he has the next time we talk.
Mimi - WH already sounds wounded and broken. What do I do with that? He sounded so down on the phone - perhaps I was intepreting that into a "hesitancy" to work on the M.
Is it my job to build him back up? He's got to do that on his own, right? He has to be a person BY HIMSELF. Not according to another person. He keeps saying that he's "going to end up alone." It almost makes me think that he is not his own person.
I sucked at Plan A. I hope I can handle this Recovery thing....(if that's where I'm heading!!)
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, this is where the hard part comes in. Now the work begins. I just hope he is ready. So please take it very slow. Like Mimi said, I fear the dreaded FALSE RECOVERY. It is a hale that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I told my FWH that it will come..and it did... Yes! Tell him it will come. I just didn't know what to do with those words. Now the answer seems so obvious. Sure, right now seems pretty bleak. But IT WILL COME. I was trying so hard not to sound needy & "Oh, please come home" on the phone that I just couldn't think!!! Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim why do you think you sucked at Plan A? I remember you did a superb job! He was just so fogged out that he couldn't respond, which is usually the case in most affairs.
I think it is important that you talk to him about recovery real soon here. He needs to BE MADE ready for it, so he understands what it is going to take. And he needs to understand that you aren't just going to take him because the spirit moves HIM.
He must agree to a plan of recovery and must agree to do certain things to rebuild trust, as Mimi mentioned. Kim, don't be hesitant here. You can't afford to leave one thing unsaid.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mimi - WH already sounds wounded and broken. What do I do with that? He sounded so down on the phone - perhaps I was intepreting that into a "hesitancy" to work on the First, he has to do the NC letter and agree to those RULES OF RECOVERY that ML shared with you. He does not need to read the RULES now. Given that he continues to be a FOGGY WS (although hurting and wounded), he needs SIMPLE DIRECTIONS AND INSTRUCTIONS NOW..GET RID OF THE OW...WRITE THE NC LETTER...COMMIT TO WORKING ON THE MARRIAGE... THEN AND ONLY THEN..begin to attend to his woundedness..otherwise, if you begin to rescue him prior to his making a commitment to you, you stand the chance of ENABLING THE A ..You don't want him to begin to feel better before you reconcile.. Make sense?
Last edited by mimi1254; 02/26/06 11:02 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mel - As much as I'd like him home tomorrow, I know he is not ready for that & neither am I. In truth there really is no hurry to this. It's been over 4 months, so why ruin all of that hard work?
You guys, just keep me at a good pace here - o.k.?
I am not doing anything until I come here & post first!!
I do want WH to talk to SH. I just need to bring it up at the right time.
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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I posted just ahead of you...
I kind of disagree about slowness in him coming home...
If he voices a plan to get rid of the OW for life, writes the letter and wants to come home, I would let him...you don't want him to lose his nerve and get back started up with her again...
That's my opinion...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Kim, did he mention a timeline?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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