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Regarding your thoughts that you won't approve of his NC letter. You probably won't......but it's an amazing thing that he is even going to sit down and write the thing. Does he know what it should contain??? Don't be too rough in *grading* this letter Caren - Thanks for your entire post. I will not expect his letter to be perfect. After all, what tools does he have access to to help him along? I do expect a sincere letter. Should I make a copy from SAA for an example to give him? MywifeIlove - thanks for your input and for giving a man's perspective. I appreciate your encouragement! I know that I am going to be cautious and try to take this slowly...until I see action. Mimi- I believe you are right. Once I start seeing sincerity and that he is committing, then we can move from there. I want him home. But not too soon. Now, he seems so appreciative...his message to me is often.."How can you possibly continue to love ME?"..he, of course, knows even more than I do about the AWFUL things that he did..he continues to indicate that there are things that I NEVER need to know for FEAR that I would STOP LOVING HIM...YUK.... I will look forward to the day when my WH is appreciative. Maybe my WH IS wondering HOW I can still want him & love him. After all he has done..... I am reading all of this & digesting it. Gotta go & cook dinner. Will finish reading through a bit later tonight! Thanks to all of you who have posted encouragement and support!!! Keep me in your prayers. Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim,
I pray for youthat he is sincere in this. I do believe you will know if he is or not.
I would love to see you and your WH make it. It gives hope to everyone it can be done.
Take your time and let him prove he means it. I have had two false recoverys one before MB and another after MB. They are just as painful as if not more than d-day.
I would not want for you or your DS to go through that.
Again I am praying for you that your WH is coming from the fog.
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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You have to remember, Kim is the one that is equipped with all the knowledge that it takes to get this M up and running again, she has to guide him through this. The only thing that he has right now is the willingness to try. Caren - Yep. And I need all the help I can get in guiding my WH. I feel like I am wading out into deep water, but I have you guys as my flotation devices. Holding me up on either arm. Luna - Thanks for your support!! Much needed! Whistles75 - I agree with Mimi! Great post. And it has been just over 4 months for WH & I to be separated too. Thank you - You have brought up a lot of the concerns that are in the back of my mind. I am just going to have to jump in & go through the motions. I know that my lovebank was nearly empty when I went into Plan B. There's a lot to fill back up. But I know the "taker" has to be hidden away for a while. That will come later.... I do agree with your point...mine was more to emphasize the danger of moving too fast with any "positive" actions the WS may be displaying. Mywife - If you only knew how skeptical I am. I don't even think I have felt the least bit of excitement over this. I can only think right now of all the awful things my WH did. I can't imagine him ever "releasing" his desire to be with OW. But he says he's ready. So, I'm going to have to get out of my "safety" zone..... Lady, Confused & Hurting --- It's so awesome to have friends who are cheering me on. This board is so good to so many people. MelodyLane -- I CAN do all things....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim, I keep thinking about something and wonder if you could bring me up to speed. What was your marriage like before the affair? What kind of a husband was your WH? Was your marriage ever GOOD, where you felt valued, respected, loved?
During the affair, you walked around continuously on egg shells and worried only about keeping the peace. Was this a new thing for you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel -
We had a wonderful marriage up until a few years after DS was born. I did feel valued, loved and respected. I felt like I was the world to WH, that he had me on a pedestal. We both had a love for music, arts, etc.....We had a lot of fun together. I never believed I would have someone care for me that way that WH did.
So, yes. There was a wonderful M before the A happened. Now, what I think led up to the A is a whole "nother LONG story....Not sure if you want all of that....
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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ok, I just needed to be reassured that there is hope for a good, respectful marriage here. Because I have to tell you, I was very afraid for you before he left and that is one of the reasons I really pushed for Plan B. His behavior was so destructive that I worried about your safety. I feel better now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thanks!
(he was off his rocker)
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Just a quick update - No letter.....WH sent a note stating he was having trouble with the letter & asked if I would please give him a copy of whatever is online or in the book.
Anybody have links to examples of NC letters? I think way, way back in August(when I naively thought WH was going to write one) someone posted a link for me....
That's all!
Thanks!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Hi Kim, Here is a link to some sample NC letters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Sample No Contact Letters
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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Kim,
I am glad someone found it for you .. I was looking for my SAA book to get it from and i can't find it .....
I sure hope he does this for you......
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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kg3 - Thank you! Kim <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Posts: 445
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You're welcome. I am very happy that the fog seems to be lifting in your life. I hope I can say the same in the future.
God Bless
K
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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Kim-
Well, I think that your WH is moving along.....he realized that he has no idea what to put in an NC letter, and asked you for assistance.....this is a good thing.
You are the one with all of the tools here, you're going to have to guide him.
I would just give him the one out of SAA and let him know that is just a guide.
Does he know all the abbreviations? OW....BS....WS??? If not change the abbreviations to words.
I really think this is promising.
Good Luck and God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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kg3 - I hope the fog is truly lifting. Time will tell. Best wishes to you in your fight for you Marriage.
Caren - I plan on giving him a copy either Friday or Saturday. I hope this is not just a "stalling" plan on his part. I think he is clueless.
Question - I have not talked to him since Sunday. Do I wait until I get the NC letter to talk to him again? Should I pick up the phone & intiate contact? I don't think I should, but I just wanted to get second opinions.
I want to invite him to Church on Sunday, but I suppose it might be best to have a couple of "dates" where we can talk alone first, huh?
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim,
Back from vacation and pleased to see progress. Tentative hesitant progress but progress none the less.
You've been here a long time. Glad to see MB working for you. Yes, you will make it.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Mr. Wondering - Thanks! And I am SO very cautious. Keep sending positive thoughts my way.
Thanks for checking in!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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I don't think you should meet with him face to face without the letter..
I made the mistake of getting into this pattern and ended up ENABLING the A..he actually got closer to the OW..THE CAKEEATING PHASE.YUK!!!
Plus, I've been thinking..it's not too hard to write that letter..keep in mind he may be stalling you..
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Got it Mimi - I may or may not be able to get a copy of the NC letter from the book to him tomorrow(not face to face). I am just going to type the copy of the text in a word document for him.
What's weird is that he has not called for DS at all in the morning this week. DS wanted to call him twice this week before getting on the bus, so I dialed the number for him.....
Other than that, No News. Just carring on as usual!
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Hi Kim, How's it going?? Does WH pick up DS tommorrow? I was just wondering what would prevent you from sending the NC example letter out with DS when he saw him. LOL, you'd think this was happening to me....I'm all anxious to see what he does next. I'd be chomping at the bit to get that example letter to him. But as we know, I am a little over-zealous on occasion <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Whelp, I guess I'll catch ya later!! God Bless, -Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Kim, I heard your call into Dr. Harley!! Some nice lady called in right afterwards and said: "Kim, don't refinance with him!!! Been there, done that!!" I am glad you got Dr. Harley's take on it all and that he affirmed your plan. He even praised you for having such a good grasp on the program! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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