I heard it too Kim. You did good. Stay strong.

Kim, shoot I missed your call into the Harleys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But I would have to agree you do have a good grasp on the program, one of the best I've seen so far. Good Job? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady

ARRRRRRRRGH that's it, I'm quitting my job so I can listen to the program...LOL

How's it going Kim....what did Dr.Harley say specifically?

Is WH picking up your DS tonight or tommorrow?

God Bless,

-Caren

HEY!!!

What call???? I didn't call in today!! Do you think he replayed an earlier call of mine??? I have called in twice in the last month.....

Well, how about that! What did I say? My stuff is so good that he replays me!! HAHAHAHA!

On another note, WH has my example letter.

He asked me (via the phone) how we were supposed to get the letter to OW. He asked that before & I said either through a mutual friend or the mail.

Today I asked him What his concern was. He said that he didn't was OWH to get his hands on it. I was driving so I told him we needed to talk about that later.

I think my question back to him might be: "So, why shouldn't he see it? Wouldn't he be overjoyed?"

Any other help or direction on this would be great! He is picking up DS again in the morning.........

Caren - I know, this is making me all nervous too. I've talked to him on the phone 3 x today(he called me). Mainly about what he & DS are doing. Each time I talk to him, it gets easier to not be so "uptight".

Mel, I'm glad you got to hear me even if it was prerecorded!! I've had lots of great help here and that's why I am on the right track!

BK & Ladysheep - Hi ya!!! Hope you are both doing well!!!!!

Kim

And why not? I would make that a condition. The OWH has every right to that letter and will be relieved as you say. Tell him there will be NO MORE SECRETS! DON'T EVEN BACK DOWN ON THAT! You know why? If he does't want the OWH to know, that means he wants the affair kept secret and is holding out hope for a reprisal. Ya know it!?

So don't fall for it. Tell him HE11 NO! No more secrets!

In the call today you asked about refinancing and Dr Harley said HECK NO!! And then he praised your knowledge of the MB program.

Remember, your WH is NOT in a position to negotiate the conditions here. He believes he is. Please disabuse him of this notion!

I am TIRED of secrets. He could want to hide the letter from OWH like you said ML - so he can start things back up if he wishes.

I do believe though that he just HATES OWH and that WH doesn't want OWH to have any satisfaction of knowing that He WON. I believe also that WH things that it will set OWH off for some stupid reason. It's ridiculous. I have a feeling that I might be going back into dark Plan B again soon.

WH has had DS all day. Will see if there is a NC letter.

Kim

O.k. - No letter. DS slammed his finger in the car door & WH had to take him to the emergency room. His finger looks awful. He did not give a reason for not having a letter & I did not talk to WH face to face.

I vote going back into Dark Plan B again. I am serious about this letter. No playing around & it has been a week tomorrow since we talked about this on the phone. Isn't a week plenty of time to get that done????? It was only yesterday that I gave him the example. I have been answering his calls for the past couple of days.....talked mainly about schedules.

So, what do you think? Back into Plan B?

Kim

I don't like the sound of "he deson't want OWH to think he won". OW is NO PRIZE! She is a homewrecking ho-bag. Since OWH's knows all about the affair (thanks to you-good job!), I can't imagine any defensable position your WH would have for trying to sneak a NC to OW. That just doesn't add up.

But that is the breaking plan B part that I don't understand. Do you want them (the WH) any way you can get them? Or do you only want them when they KNOW that OW is bad and wife is good.

In my fantasy of WH wanting to come home, I would say "Are you done with the troll?". If he attempts to defend her at all, I know he is not done. If he says, you're right, she was a troll, then I know we have a chance.

But that is just my opinion based on how I felt about OM when I was finally ready to get my head out of my wayward butt.

Ouchie on DS finger <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I hope he feels better soon.

You're right. It doesn't add up. OWH knows there was an Affair going on......Perhaps his wife has tried to play it off as "just a friendship" this whole time?????




Jean, I don't want my WH any way I can get him. BUT, I don't think he will ever see OW as bad. He just doesn't get it. He sees himself as bad.

From what I can tell, he still wants to protect OW.

Kim

OK, so he is going to protect OW by hiding the end of his affair with her??

Maybe I am just oversensitive about this issue. That was a big problem for me. My WH wanted to protect OW from his big bad wifey (not that I have ever shown him any violent tendencies, all he wanted to protect was her reputation). His adament protecting of OW made me feel so very threatened, I just couldn't relax.

His objective should be making you feel safe and protected, IMO. And nothing bad can happen by sending NC letter, except her getting pi$$ed and not wanting to be his back up plan.

So, perhaps it is NOT time to come out of Plan B. I don't plan on talking to him again until I get a letter.

By him not wanting OWH get that letter, it is not making me feel safe or protected. I am NOT going to help WH protect OW from the truth of their sinful relationship.

WH knows his job is to make me feel safe. This does not do it.

Thanks Jean!

Kim

Kim, this is the right stance. I agree you shouldn't talk to him until you get a letter and you certainly shouldn't allow him to keep more secrets with his victim, the OWH.

However, just that letter does not mean you jump back into a relationship with him. Make it clear to him that he has to DEMONSTRATE a new committment to your marriage and agree to the 4 Rules of Protection. And under no circumstances will you consider refinancing with him!

Hang tight, you are on the right path and doing the right thing.

Have I backtracked some by talking to him over the past few days??

And if he calls do I talk to him and let him know I'm done communicating with him until the letter is produced. I've got SAA right here. I need to read again about the 4 rules of protection. Should I give that info to WH too?????

Kim

Why not have a heart to heart with him today on the phone? Open by telling him you are willing to consider reconciliation if you see a SINCERE demonstration of his committment to the marriage and the end of this affair, but without that you are not willing to resume contact. [The first step being a sincere no contact letter sent the OW and her husband.]

Ask him: "what is your plan?"

MelodyLane -

I read this earlier and have been thinking about it a good part of the day. I think I said all I can say last week in our phone conversation. If I called him, I think I would be repeating myself......or sound like I am begging. I know there is a way you can do it w/out sounding like you are begging, but I am afraid that is how I would come off.

He knows what he needs to do. I was reading some of SAA again today. He is most likely seeing this letter as "cruel" to OW. He has not realized that is a necessary to step to rebuilding our M. I don't know if he is where he needs to be as far as his desire to have his family back again.

I think I just might wait this out a while longer - go back to dark Plan B again. And it's not b/c it's safe, it's b/c I don't believe WH is where he needs to be....I am willing to take all kinds of risks, get out of my comfort zone. But what good is it if WH is not there too?

I'm just confused right now........

Kim

Kim, if you don't think its a good idea strategically to have this discussion now, then don't do it! I agree that you don't want to come across as over eager because that will hurt your leverage.

But would you agree that, at some point, this discussion has to take place? He seems to not get it AT ALL and, frankly, I am scratching my head wondering what he DOES WANT.

Do you think he thinks that the letter will earn him a refi? What exactly does he think he will achieve by writing this letteR?

I do agree that we will have to talk about it.....I am wondering what he wants too. I will try to get my "be patient" hat back on and continue on with recovering me. I picked up a Oil Paiting book at the library today. WH & I used to paint together & I hope it will inspire me to bring up my easel & start painting again.

I saw that WH called me tonight on my cell. Didn't leave a message. Missed his call. Hmmmm........

Kim

Kim,
I think the fact that he is taking so long to get the NC letter together is a sign he is still conflicted about it. He still has some thinking to do, you cannot do it for him.

He will contact you again, I would go dark now. He has gotten comfortable in being able to chat with you.....

Take care,
Daisy

Daisy -

Like Mimi said, a NC letter really isn't that hard. Will see if he can step up to the plate!

Blessings,

Kim