Do you think WH & OW are in on this together?? I don't understand what good does it do to send a copy to OWH.......if the A is not over, it's all still a lie anyway. So, if the only people who know about the letter are me, WH and OW then OWH is left out of the loop. Which means that he still thinks my WH is on the prowl for OW.

It just doesn't make sense.

I don't understand what WH"s setup is......To keep that the A is over a secret? Either way the OWH doesn't have a clue as to what's going on.....

I"m not thinking straight.

Kim

Kim,

Is your WH one that has said that he and OW stopped carrying on awhile back?

I think it means EVERYTHING that the OWH gets a copy. This gets everything out in the open and keeps him in the loop. But I suspect that WH wont want to do it BECAUSE the affair is not really over or he is holding out hope of a reprisal. I don't think that OW and WH are in this together, only that WH is not sincere.

There is simply no legitimate reason to NOT sent the nc letter to the OWH, too, so his aversion indicates an ulterior motive.

And doesn't WH assume that you and OWH's keep each other posted?

I agree, Melody. Thanks for putting it so clearly. Kim can't think clearly.

I believe that there was no abuse of the OW. I think that Kim's husband believes there was, because the OW used that to attract him - the whole damsel in distress thing, plus an excuse for her to cheat.

Now, for whatever reason, the whole thing is imploding. But Kim's husband still would like to protect the OW.

Where does this leave Kim? I want Kim to have someone who wants to take care of her.

was referring to WH, not sending the NC Letter to OWH BTW.... My thoughts are getting all jumbled.

Jean - Yep, my WH said that it has been quite some time. He has not talked to or seen OW. & yes he assumes I keep OWH posted.



Exactly what I am worried about.

I'm off to bed.....I'll think clearer tomorrow!

Kim

Is there a possibility that WH and OW did break up and OW dumped him. Maybe WH is embarrassed to send OW a "Dear Jane" letter because it would sound silly coming from the dumper - instead of the dumpee.

Would a letter to OW and OWH's be appropriate, apologizing for the affair, admitting the mistake and WH's pledge to never interefere with OWH's family again.

Well, the letter should state all of the above. It should state his pledge that he will never contact her again, and that she should never contact him. He would also apologize for the terrible mistake he made by having an affair with her.

Letter to OWH:

OWH,

Hope you are doing ok. Thought it might be good if you were at the same knowledge level as I have been. Not sure if you already realize but somone dumped someone and now there is a fear that someone else might beat up someone. Just wanted you to know so that you are not falsely accused or setup to be made to look like a criminal. The OW seems to be telling stories about you beating up people.

Make sure you get your good W back and not the WS in her clothing. If my H decides to come back without his WS attitude, I will certainly be as thorough as possible to make sure that WS isn't hiding nearby. LOL!!!

It is sad we have to deal with so many weird personalities as a result of their sick A. I hope you are able to find happiness in your future. Our famiilies truly deserve better than this A mess.

All the best,
BS.

BTW, I'd send this to his work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Just checking in with you this morning - hope you have a great day!

Well, Spoke with WH again tonight. I don't know how I did. He is not ready yet.

I explained the intent of the NC letter. I asked him what his Plan was to protect me. He did not have an answer. He understood that the letter was to show he valued my feelings. He said "I do value your feelings."

It is true that OW had done the NC thing on WH. WH is still not there with sending her the NC letter. I said that the NC letter should thrill OWH as it would get you out of their lives. WH said he didn't want to do anything to "thrill" OWH. And then went on about how awful he was.

WH kept asking how the letter was supposed to be delivered. I asked what was wrong with the mail? He said he didn't know who opened OW's mail. That's when I went back to OWH should know the A is over. He said that OWH was off his rocker & something like this would set him off. I told him that I didn't care. What was he going to do to build trust and protect me?

WH wants to know if it would be o.k. if he called OW and read the letter to her in front of me(he said she stopped answering his calls a long time ago, that he would leave a message. that way she would be sure to get it.)

ARGH. I told WH that I wanted us to speak to SH. WH wants someone not with MB(b/c he wants someone to tell him the letter is not necessary IMO).

SO. I told WH that he wasn't at the place he needed to be and that he needed some more time. WH said he was very close, that he needed to be to the point that he didn't care what happened to OW.

We talked a good bit more - about the good times. He brought up the time before the A. He felt like we were both sitting around waiting to die. Ouch. He is scared to come back b/c he doesn't want things to be the way they were before. I told him that I didn't either. That I wanted a different, better marriage.

He said he needed to get over this addiction.

He asked if we could talk again tomorrow night, but I told him I didn't know. I told him he just wasn't where he needed to be. I told him I would think about it. It was so hard for me not to say "Yes, I'd love to talk to you again tomorrow."

I left out a bunch. He is on the verge of coming around. This is so hard. I want him home so bad. I told him how I'd like to just sit beside him and hold his hand, that would make me so happy!

Kim

Kim YOU ROCK!!!!
Lemonman is missing all this crow. I think you did AWESOME! You established your boundaries and you are sticking to them!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your husband sounds a little co-dependent. He cannot "save" the OW (if she even needs saving, which I doubt very much).

I loved Orchid's letter.

Hang in there. I would start getting busy on making a nice life for myself. I think he is going to come around, so no sense for you to sit around being miserable.

Confused - Thanks!!! I so hope I am doing this right. He is hurting badly right now - both emotionally and financially. I want to rescue him from that so badly, getting this letter from him is a huge obstacle and at times I consider just not getting it.

I like to think that Lemonman is checking in from time to time......I miss him popping in on my threads!

Kim

Believer - I am trying!! I have all of these plans, but somehow I either don't get to them or get started and don't finish ---- time seems to be an issue!! Could be all this time I'm sitting here in front of the computer ....

Kim

Go DARK again, Kim! He is almost there, but is still trying to negotiate his return. There IS no negotiation. Don't settle for scraps.

It is interesting to me, your WH should have already gone through alot of the OW withdrawal - right? They have been out of contact for a little bit. But that has been one of the questions that I have never heard a answer to. After an effective plan B, does the WH come home for withdrawal, or does he need to do that while he is still out of house?

In my fantasy world, if WH wanted to reconcile, I would ask him if my feelings were now more a priority than the feelings of the troll wh0re (and I would probably call her that). If he started defending her again, no dice, no deal.

I am not advising you to do that, just thinking out loud on your thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> . I know for me, as a FWW, when I approached FBH about reconciliation, I had already been out of contact with OM for a month or so. I had a head start on the head-butt extraction. FBH could have called OM any name in the book and I would have happily agreed with him because I was able to see OM as a little troll man who had preyed on my family.

I need to be WH's choice, not someone he settles for because that 'soulmate' thing didn't pan out.

Jean - personally, I didn't care how my wife felt when she came home. She came home to give our marriage a chance. She still loved OM. You really do take what you can get. A commitment to work on th emarriage was enough for me.

I am no plan B expert...but the way I understand it...it depends on the WS' level of commitment to M. Say in LTA...WS choses M over A, establishes NC, does NC letter is opening up to BS becomes transparent, REALLY does not want to lose family but still does not feel "love" for BS, agrees with plan to recover M and starts to IMPLEMENT that plan, maintains NC but misses OP. I think it is ok to come home at that point. Recovery like eveything else is a process.

Melody - going dark again were my thoughts when I woke up this morning....There's nothing I can do to speed this up.

Jean - that's a very interesting point you bring up. I do believe it's different for each sitch. I would absolutely LOVE it if WH was completely over OW before coming home. If he is willing to send the NC letter, I think that shows enough committment for me(of course, he needs to be sincere). I think for my WH, his addiction and level of fogginess was SO severe that he is going to need me to help him with withdrawal. I do believe he has gone through some of that on his own already. He was also CONNED by OW into believing her sob story. I believe that one day he will see it was a lie........but that day is way far off.

I was thinking today --- I bet that OW has moved onto her next victim already. Most likely another poor sap who is lonely and working the same awful job and hours she is.

BigKahuna & Confused - I agree. A firm committment is a step. Even if the OP dumped your spouse, I will take that. I have to think back to the part I had in contributing to the atmosphere for an A in the first place.

A very interesting question to ponder.......

I am still having a hard time today though staying firm in my condition of the NC letter.

Kim