As was often the case before, I have much to say, and little time to say it.

It's good to see the suppport you are getting, and it's good to know people care about you. I hope you feel the suppport.

Now, I hope you don't mind some questions.

On the personal side, I feel stronger than I was two years ago, but also more devastated. Energy-wise, I am wiped out. Spiritually, I'm in crisis. Personally, I'm glad to have myself back without having to worry about pleasing H.

Stronger means you think you can do whatever you need to once you know, or once the decision is made.

Please expand on the other statements. It would really help me to know where you are. My vision of you is frozen in time as you were when you left. Please tell me about the spiritial crisis, and the other statements too, if it is OK with you.

God be with you.

SS

Post deleted by friend4life

Post deleted by friend4life

Post deleted by friend4life

My personal feeling is that if you are finished, then take care of everything as soon as you can. I think son can adjust better with you now, than later at school.

Wish you had been able to do the schooling you wanted. Wish your mother was here. (though she may be closer than we know.)

Once you told us about a dream. It was a marvelous dream. I knew when you told it that you were aquainted with God.

Think on that experiance - it will give you strength.


I'm not without the support of good friends, so please don't think I am totally alone.

Thank you for saying that. It brings relief on this end.


From reading, I would guess the cyber bully problem was what you think. I would also guess if it has stopped, they have gone on, and it won't return unless you have more dealings with those involved.

Picking up where I left off - if you are certin you will D, and it is just a matter of time, I recommend you finish it as quickly as you possibly can.

If you still doubt, I recommend plan B on the same time line. In fact, plan B no matter what, to save your health and sanity, and any remaining love for your H.

ss - I don't know where I'm at spiritually - basically I've run out of words and feelings and even feel like I am running out of faith. I'm just saying to God, I'm still here.

I would guess you are no longer in daily personal study. I recommend it, and I promise it will help. Notice I didn't say I "think" it will help.

If you have read the book of Esther, you will understand this. I will fast for you this weekend. For all of you -

Don't worry about posting on a schedule, do what works best for you.

Next week, I will be away Mon, and Tues, home Wed, and half of Thurs, then gone for 9 days. I hope everyone else will take good care of you.

Lots of questions in my mind - don't know if I should ask.

About -
the garden
what you have done about your schooling
if you have been home again since........... early summer of 03? no probably 04 - it all runs together in my mind.

Many other things - little things that will tell me nore about your state of mind, and how strong you are these days ........ but I best leave you alone.

Please take care of yourself. You are worth the effort, as are your sons.
Have hope.
It isn't as bad as we sometimes think it is. For a long time I had to tell myself every morning - Don't worry, it will all work out. If you put your trust in God, and go forward with confidence in the future, he will not forsake you.

It doesn't always work like we want, or like we hope, but somehow you will find happiness again. I believe this applies to you, I have faith your prayers will be heard if you continue to try.

SS

I have one more post I would like to do for you no matter if you post again or not. Just don't know when I can get to it.
Ha, I bet that brings back memories. Haven't changed, have I.

SS

If you have wireless service at home maybe someone hacked into your computer from the street outside your home? If you didn't have it secured then people can do illegal things using your wireless which you can be held accountable for...at least that can happen in the states.

I would think you could make your computer more secure. Setting security settings higher, a good firewall, anti-spyware... I imagine you already know this stuff. It just seems like you shouldn't have to be held hostage in fear of someone continuing to violate your privacy if there is something more that can be done to protect yourself. I don't know that much about IT but I am sure others around here do or some local tech could advise you.

I hope it all works out for you and if you have to leave again please know we care about you and will miss you.

All the best.

Just wanted to thank you all.

To say that MB has helped me to grow, to understand what a healthy relationship should look like, to understand what an unhealthy relationship looks like, to help me learn the skills I need in order to set boundaries, to negotiate, to face the things it is not in my power to change, to find the courage to try to change the things it is within my power to change, to defend my children. This is an ongoing process.

I am grateful for all the kindness, concern and caring that has been shown to me here by so many.

To answer ss -

my schooling is now on course - I was accepted onto my MA course and I start in a month - I am on my way -)

the garden is sleeping but spring is on the way - I got out and worked for a whole morning a couple of weeks ago - that reminded me of how healing to the soul my garden is...I have plans for the future of my garden

I haven't been home since my mum's funeral 18 months ago - my free air miles run out in 2007, so I will be making a trip home sometime this year on my own - that will be good...

I am not reading my Scripture daily - left off a few weeks ago - got to the point where they were someone else's words - felt what I needed was to pray and be "face-toface" - I read when I am called to read....I spend more time in prayer now...

I would like to be able to forgive my H...AND I need to be able to be myself and live in a relationship where I feel safe, respected and loved...

My H and I are working together to try to support our children and work out their schooling....this is our priority...our children need our support right now...we live in a small, entangled community...we live and work alongside the people who were caring for our children last year...we cannot walk away from our situation unless we sell our house, get new jobs and move away...that is not going to happen...this is our community...we had no malice in our hearts last year....we did what we had to do and I have no regrets...it is important that we remain stable....what has happened to our marriage may have been inevitable, but is also partly to do with the stress we were under last year....a sad fact...

A friend here reminded me to "keep my eyes on the hills" - that's what I am doing - I have to keep remembering to "lift my eyes", instead of focusing on the ground....you'll know what I mean, ss...

As far as the cyber-bullying goes...it was a one-off...it has been dealt with as far as it could be....the case is closed and we have to go on....my children are home now, so I don't have any more to do with the people who cared for them last year...when my OS leaves his present school, that chapter will be closed....except if there are any future problems between the school and other parents, then I would be happy to lend my support to those parents if needed...

Hopefully one day I will feel able to come back and be more open....I'll work towards that...

God bless everyone here and many thanks....
LIR

Why are all th eoriginal posts deleted? I do not understand why this happens so much!! It is just a pet peeve of mine....

Sorry sadly -

Glad to see that you have recovered - remarried - to your FWH?

My original posts are deleted because I thought twice about posting my sitch in public - because of issues which happened in my life last year and the fear that someone would see them who would use what I posted here to harm me, which would do a lot of damage to my children and my life, not to mention my WH's. This is a real fear.

People's posts here are usually deleted for good reasons, primarily because they fear discovery by their WS, or the OP, or because they have thought better of the advice they gave to someone else and decided to retract what they said.

I know it can be frustrating, especially when you want to help someone, but I'd say, it's usually for a good reason.

Good luck on your new marriage! And thanks for looking in here.

LIR

LIR, I have been away on business, home for a day, and now am leaving for about 10 days.

Don't think I will have net access while I am gone.

I will probably still try to post to you one more time, though I know I'm just one more voice, and you are probably doing just fine.

See you late march.

SS

A message for stillseeking and my other friends here at MB who have been praying for me -

My marriage is still a mess - H and I no longer sleep together, and no longer have a R - no talk except about daily tasks and the kids - no emotional talk at all, no touching at all, no arguments, no fighting - we have family meals and we interact as "normal" to keep a family life going for the kids. We have not talked about separation or about what we will do in the future - I think neither one of us is willing to do anything to rock the boat. I don't have any idea what H is up to with OW3 - I am sure that she was a woman in another country that he visited every month for the past six months, but he has no plans to go back to that country until August, and that will be for business (he will probably see her then, though). Unless I put spyware on the computer or tap the phone, I will not be able to know what he is doing...I haven't taken those steps yet....H appears to be more "normal" now - more like he used to be before his affairs - perhaps OW3 is now history for some reason, I don't know....maybe he is in an interim period between affairs....that's possible....sadly, there is not much of H left that I still like and I don't think he has changed at all....he still shows signs of his "selfish" self, like mentioning the bills *he* has *had* to pay out of *his* account....as long as he shows this low-grade resentment, I know that he is not ready to be truly married....

The pluses are....I am now working with a registered psychotherapist with a lot of experience....this is offered free through my work.....I think I have finally found the right counselling situation to help me grow stronger and face the things I have to face.....so that's good.....an answer to a prayer....

Second, my OS was awarded a scholarship to the school of his choice....this was a fundamental reason for my H and I staying together after I challenged him on his affair....to give OS the stability he needed in order to be able to perform well in his scholarship exams.....OS schooling is now sorted out and I am very happy with this final outcome.....again, a prayer answered....

Also....next week, I go off to start an inset week to commence working on my MA.....this is my first baby step on the road to financial independence......

YS is also doing very well......happy and doing well in school.....

So although my marriage remains a mess and I am very unhappy with being married to my H, other things are progressing forwards, even if they are slow....

Basically, I am not trying to recover my marriage....I am not investing any energy into that....it still hurts me so much that I don't want to think about it, even though I end up thinking about it a lot....but the situation I am in now - of non-relationship with H - is basically the one I feel I have always been in with H, it's just that in the past, we slept in the same bed and I accepted whatever crumbs of affection he decided to give me when he felt like it....our "marriage" "worked" only so long as I was willing to serve him, ask no questions, expect no answers, and never ask for anything I needed...

Our "problem", if I can put it that way, is that H has never actually been truly "married" - when he got married, he simply acquired a wife. For H, marriage consists of living with a woman with whom he has children, for whom he feels he is partly financially responsible for. When H got married, he basically continued his life as before, as an independent person - he just wanted to live with someone and have children, and he elected me to serve that purpose. That's basically how I see what happened. I was convinced otherwise - but I think I was willfully blind. The signs were there before we got married, I just chose not to see them....and H even told me afterwards that he had married me because "he didn't think he was so emotionally entangled with me that he couldn't live with me"...but by then it was too late - we had had our first child...I think that all this time, I have chosen to look at the best side of my H and not to look at the more disturbing stuff....now I have to look at all of it in order to look after myself....

I am concentrating, in my therapy, on looking at how I let myself be "conned" (my term) into this marriage, how I colluded with him in creating a marriage which existed only on his terms and the fears I have that caused me to accept being in a relationship on these terms for so long and on changing my own behaviour....its a long road...my strategy for the moment is to look after myself and abandon him to his own devices....

Thank you to all my friends here....I'm still here and thank everyone for their prayers....

LIR

Greetings are difficult sometimes.

My heart is heavy for you, but still, I have such great hope for your happiness .

When I got home from my trip I had a project at work that required me to work 7 day weeks, and double my normal hours.

Still - I have been thinking about your situation.

There are thoughts waiting to come out - not that I have any great wisdom, but........ you know me, I tend to say what's on my mind.

What worries me the most is that you came back........ wanting to talk.......... and didn't stay long enough to work out all your feelings.

My short admonition to you tonight...... is not new to you.

God lives. Jesus is the Christ. He will not fail nor forsake you. This I know.

SS

Hi LIR,
Hope you are doing well today.

I almost (like old times) started to answer point for point, but that is probably not best right now.


My worries center about why you came back, and then left so quickly. The life situation you are in is not a pretty one, nor does it permit one to get much emotional rest. One of the reasons I asked about school, and the garden was to get a feel for how you are. That you are going back to school, and that the garden is on your mind are both good signs. It means you are coping well, even in the midst of the turmoil.

I see a much stronger person these days. You know what you intend to do, even though you still think about it and go over the options. You were always good at looking at all the sides and picking the best solution. I admire that trait in you, and it seems to be serving you well.

There is sadness in these latest posts. Easy to understand why. It brings to mind some lines from T.S. Eliot's "Four Quartets"

The only hope, or else despair
Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre -
We only live, only suspire
Consumed by either fire, or fire.

I don't know if you fear it, or if you are resigned to it, but it looks as though whatever happens, part of your life......... of your dreams........... will die. I am sorry.

Remember that our fears are seldom worth nearly as much time as we give them in our minds. We betray our selves when we listen to them too much.

You are infinitely worthwile. Perhaps you know it, perhaps not. Your worth has something to do with how you revere, and respect others. You have inherent goodness, please don't doubt your motives, or your intent when you are making decisions.

In your case self betrayal could come if you don't accept that you are important too, and your happiness is as important as that of others. You need to keep everything in mind, but don't sell yourself short.

I am so glad your son is safely in the new school. I know that was a big worry, and it is good that you show such concern and care for your children.



It is good to see this below -

The pluses are....I am now working with a registered psychotherapist with a lot of experience....this is offered free through my work.....I think I have finally found the right counselling situation to help me grow stronger and face the things I have to face.....so that's good.....an answer to a prayer....

I see a lot to give me hope. I have faith in God......... and I have faith in you. That you will continue to learn and grow. That you won't make big mistakes, or do really dumb things. (grin)
Is that plain enough?

Dream - and work to make your dream come true. Pray, and have faith the help will be there.

Don't be afraid to write here if you think it helps you.

SS