River of Tears - excommunication should be the least of your worries about your wife right now. Unrepentant Adulterers will NOT be in heaven, so the "biggest stake" right now is the battle for her soul.

Allowing the affair to continue in secret, with your tacit approval and support through your INACTION, will not help. Take it from one whose wife was in a 6 year affair by the time I stopped denying the possibility and CONFRONTED the situation no matter how much it hurt. Understand, and I know this will likely be hard to hear, much less accept, your marriage is already over. Your wife chose to end it when she chose Adultery. There is "nothing to lose" because it's already been lost. Your only real hope is to "recover that which has been lost" by ACTIVELY working, first to end the affair, and second to either divorce or recover the marriage. But any way you "slice it," Marriage IS between ONE man and ONE woman. A "third party," other than God, is NOT allowed in the marriage in any way and is NOT God's design for marriage.

Destablizing the secet affair is STEP ONE. Nothing will happen to save your marriage, or to heal you if it ends, as long as the affair is ongoing. Your wife is enjoying the "have her cake and eat it too" walk through your enabling. That enabling must stop, or you are right, coming here or anywhere will be an exercise in futility for you.

A note of warning in case you have not done this yet. Separate all bank accounts, monies, assets, etc. from her. Get them all in your name. Wayward Spouses, especially when they feel their affair is threatened, will sometimes take everything they can get their hands on to "protect themselves" from your potential "evil action" of not letting them continue the affair with your approval and sanction.

You are going to get good, sound advice. But it's NOT easy to implement. It's just that it MUST be implemented, easy or not.

With your reference to your son and a 2 year mission trip, I am wondering if you are Mormons? If so, is your wife going against current church teaching and trying to justify her behavior as a form of polygamy that used to be sanctioned? Using your illness as an excuse is just that...an excuse for her CHOICE to engage in Adultery. Get ready for much more abusive talk and language from her as the affair becomes exposed and destablized as she will think everyone, especially you, are out to get her and acting like "devils." The "Fog" of adultery is thick and it takes a while for the light of day (truth) to penetrate and let reality begin to be seen.

God bless.