My situation has been ongoing now since Sept. My wife moved out to be with OM in Sept-Oct. She moved back home Nov and in that first week conceived our 3rd child. While she was home, cell phone bills continued to point out their continued contact. From mid Dec until the first week in Feb, she moved out 2-3 times and said she was staying with a female friend who lives in the same town. She met this friend while she was seeing him. My wife moved back home in early Feb and she is still home.

On valentines day, she sent him a e-card saying that even though they are not together that she still loves him, etc. I confronted her about this, and she started to cry and told me that she was trying hard and that I didn't know what it is like to love 2 people. She said it would have been easier to stay up there and not come home at all, so she really wants to be with me and not him.

A couple days (last week) later a text message that went something like. "I told you I might have to cancel. Please don't be mad or upset, I don't like it when you are this way, text me back or I'll call you later". I didn't confront her on that because I don't want her to know how I got that info. She has been known to say things just to make the person she is hurting feel better, so makybe she talked about meeting him somewhere to make him feel better with no intentions of meeting him. She has told me similar things in the past while she was gone.

Yesterday, she asks me if she can go to dinner / movie with a former coworker and one of her friends from pre-A. I told her that her going out makes me nervous that she won't return - but didn't tell her I might suspect meeting up with him (he lives 2 hours away). She is going at this point. To have any bite to my "argument", I would have to reveil the txt message. I am thinking of asking her if this person could pick her up for my own assurance. What do you think?

I need to check the cell records, but I am almost scared to and don't know what to do if I find numbers from that area. I used to know his # as opposed to the female friends number, but he changed cell phone carriers and got a different number. W doesn't know I know he changed. This morning I checked her phone while she was sleeping on the couch (got up with a sick kid). She had moved it from the TV stand to the couch sometime between midnight and 6:30AM making me suspicious. All the phone records (incoming and outgoing) were empty even though she uses her phone all the time. I was going to confirm his number but I forgot.

My plan for tonight is to confirm his number if I can (from her phone book in phone), then check the phone records, but I am scared to confront her. We have been getting along good lately, and all her time for the past 2.5 weeks or so has been with me or the kids so I know she has not seen him. We've been getting along really well and talking lately. There has been no SF, but she says she is working up to that point and to be patient. I am scared that if I bring this up and demand NC, that she'll want to leave again.


How should I handle this? I don't want to do anything to make her feel uncomfortable in the house because I feel that as long as she is there, I have a chance to fix our marriage. The OM has got to be getting tired of her being with me. I need advice.

To add to this...

She has been doing things that suggest she is staying long term. For example, finding out what school our 5 yr old will be attending, getting shot records, etc to register him. He isn't registered yet, but she talks about it often.

She also looked up the local information on T-Ball for him and talks about it pretty often.

I am just not sure if I should let things go awhile longer before rocking the boat. Would I be crazy if I just waited it out in hopes it dies a natural death?


Some posts I read say to not force much relationship talk during the first month or so of her being home - isn't bringing this up doing that? What about LB's? Does this fall into that category - both the talk and letting her know I am having a hard time trusting her? Does this make her think it might be too hard and make her want to give up?

Don't rock the boat. This is just my opinion, being so self absorbed in my own mess with an EA. It is not easy to just let someone go, it takes time, a lot of time. I think if she is looking into school registration and T Ball she is looking to stay. I think you need to distract her with activities you and your family can do together. Don't give her time to think about the OM. Idle time is thinking time and guess where minds of the WS's may wonder?
Good luck and so sorry this has happened to you. If we could just see through the selfishness us WS's will and do cause to the innocent loving spouse we may think twice. Take care, don't give up on her.

VirginiaHurting,
in your situation its looks like the best option is to follow the plan A and avoid all LBs. try not to leave her alone. and give her your company as much as you can without geting into LB. by doing this WW would start getting her EN fullfiled by you more and more. on the same time you try to reduce the contacts b/w WW and OP. and try to keep yourself well behaved and under controlled. which is sometime very difficult in this type of situation.

I believe other experiecened member will come up and will give you more precised advise.

I pray for you, May God help you and save your relationship.
KFH

Sounds like KFH has sound advice. smfry too. I am in the midst with WW perpetuating the A anyway she can. I filed for D that's on hold until WW figures out what it is she wants. Find anyway (Prayer, meds, therapy, or anything that helps you cope) you can to stick it out but put a time limit on it. Otherwise, you will wind up in deep depression and all the trappings that go along with it.

Thanks for the replies, prayers, and encouragement. I need that now more than ever. I drive myself nuts trying to read into everything she does and says. I have to psych myself up before I check my sources of information. I am so scared of what I might find, but at the same time wondering what difference knowing will make?

She has shown affection towards me. Last night she laid her head on my while we were both on the couch. We hold hands, she'll put her arm around me while shopping, etc. She'll kiss me, but most of the time I initiate. If I try for a deep kiss, she stops me short saying that she doesn't want to be turned on because she isn't ready yet. She said the same thing a few days ago when I kissed her neck.

Its so hard for me to not feel the intense affection. That is easily in the top 1-2 of my EN. I love it when she is affectionate to me. I guess the only way to describe it is that I crave it.

She has said that it will take awhile for the in-love feelings to come back. She has also said that they are not coming back as fast as she would hope. This is why I worry about the contact so much as I don't think she can get those feelings back for me while contact is going on. I also worry that if those feelings don't come back, that she'll take off again. This was a reason she gave for leaving before.

Why do you think the baby is yours?

You are far too afraid. And its making you a doormat.

Her "in-love" feelings will NEVER come back while she is in contact with her lover.

I totally disagree with the advice above saying not to rock the boat. I say take over control of the boat and start driving it in the right direction. You're letting her guide it over the waterfall!!!

Step 1: Do you know WHY she is involved with another man? Have you identified the shortcomings in your marriage that allowed someone to invade it? Have you done anything to correct those problems?

Step 2: Meet all (or as many as you can) of her emotional needs.

Step 3: Gather intellegence. Learn all you can about the enemy. Stop being afraid to know you're being destroyed behind your back.

Step 4: Expose this affair. To anyone who has influence.

Step 5: Set your boundry. You can't Plan A forever. Start making some plans and decisions for your family without her. If she doesn't get onboard YOUR BOAT, float off without her.

Step 6: Plan B. Remove yourself and the kids from the constant pain she in inflicting on your family. Let her go discover what it really means to be divorced.

Thats a sample of a Plan, make YOURS.

And I agree with WAT....DNA testing is in your future.

Just had a discussion about it with her over IM (I am at work).


[10:45] Wife: can I still go ut wih (friend) tomorrow
[10:45] Me: Where are you going?
[10:45] Wife: she want to meet in (Town 20 miles north where firne dlives) this time. Dinner and movies
[10:45] Wife: She said she is paying for dinner
[10:45] Wife: and she has 2 free movie tickets
[10:46] Wife: she wants to go to the Outback and I told her that I didn't have that kind of money and she said she was planning on paying
[10:47] Me: You can go, it just makes me a little uncomforatable.
[10:47] Wife: why
[10:48] Me: could we talk about it tonight and not over IM?
[10:48] Wife: I just won't go.
[10:48] Me: no, that's not what I said
[10:48] Wife: but I don't undersstand how I am suppose to regain your trust if you never give me a chance to prove myself
[10:50] Me: Its not that I think you'll not come home
[10:50] Wife: what is it then
[10:50] Wife: you don't believe that I am really going with (friend)?
[10:51] Me: sometimes I worry myself into having small doubts - because you have contaced him when you've told me you weren't
[10:52] Wife: like when?
[10:52] Wife: I haven't talked to him for awhile
[10:52] Me: like valentines day
[10:53] Wife: okay..well that was the last time I talked to him
[10:53] Me: you told me you talked to him for an hour the next day or the day I asked you about it
[10:54] Wife: that was the next day.
[10:54] Wife: okay , that was the last day then
[10:54] Wife: it was sometime last week
[10:55] Wife: I haven't talked to or emailed him since then
[10:55] Me: I don't want to make you mad at me, but just as it will take you a while to be intimate with me, it will take awhile for me to gain 100% trust back for you. I hope you understand and don't hold it against me. I'm trying just as hard as you are
[10:57] Wife: I understand you not trusting me. But just like I am trying to be intimate, you need to try to trust me. One way you could do that is when I say I am going out with (friend or friend) or whoever just trust me a little
[10:58] Me: ok, you're right. I do need to trust you more. Like I said, I'm working on it. I didn't say I have no trust in you, but I don't yet have complete 100% trust all the time
[10:59] Wife: I just want to go out with (friend) for a few hours. We just want to go to the movies and go to dinner. We are trying to get our friendship back the way it used to be
[11:02] Me: ok, I love you - and I'm sorry
[11:02] Wife: sorry for what
[11:03] Me: doubting you
[11:03] Wife: you have every right too.
[11:03] Wife: I just want to prove to you that I am serious about fixing our marriage
[11:04] Wife: okay I have to go
[11:04] Wife: I love you
[11:04] Me: luv u 2

There are some suspect calls with the latest being the 21st that I think are the new OM number. They are just for a minute to 3 minutes here and there. I am thinking about calling it/them but I don't want my cell phone number to come up. Probably the best thing to do would be to check the details in her address book on her phone.

On the baby... Am I 100% without a doubt sure?, no and I have told her that and she told me I could get a paternity test. I am almost positive it is because of the dates and her reaction (she called my mother to let her know, etc). If it wasn't mine, I think she would have hid it from me for as long as possible and not be with me now. She also got really hurt when I brought it up the other day while discussing the valentines day e-cards. She started to cry and said she didn't want me going through the pregnancy with her wondering if the baby is mine.

Lexxy

I obviously wasn't the perfect husband, and I do feel that in the past I have neglected her or took her for granted. She has told me that she felt like I was just staying married to her as a conveinience. This isn't true, but I did take her for granted / somewhat neglected her. Yes, I have been doing better and she has told me that I have been being a great husband as of late.

Part of my fear is our financial state. I cannot afford to have sole custody of the kids, and she has never had a high paying job. She has been working at daycares and preschools to take advantage of free childcare. Due to problems with the pregnancy and the back and forth nature of our relationship over the past few months, she has not been working. We are barely making ends meet, and CC debt is increasing.

IF she is still in contact with OM, then I'll bet my next paycheck that OM thinks the baby is HIS. Why would an OM hang with a married woman otherwise?

Have you brought up a No Contact letter?

WAT

I was told that he knows it is not his but was willing to raise it as his own.

No on the NC letter. I have just been attempting to get my wife to cut off all contact with him, ignore his calls, etc. I guess I never saw the real point in one. She could easily send it, then call him a day later, apologize and continue on.



Do you have a link to a sample NC letter? Should she write it, or just have her agree to send something I write / find here?

Who told you THAT!? Your wife?


The point is going thru the exercise AND seeing your wife's attitude when doing it.

Former WSs who are sincere about NC do it enthusiastically. If they moan and groan and approach it half heartedly, you have an indication about their sincerity.

How many dog eared pages are there on your copy of SAA?

As for a sample NC letter - I don't have a link to one, but it's a frequent topic here so you may be able to do a search and find one.

But they're pretty simple and short.

OP, (no "dear" crap)
I have determined that my involvement with you has been a huge mistake. I have decided to dedicate myself to my family and my marriage and permanently end my relationship with you. To this end, I will NEVER contact you again and I request you NEVER contact me again.

WS (signed)

She should write it and allow you to mail it or watch her click the send button.

WAT

Yes, she told me that. But what you said before is what is more likely.

However, he was OK with the fact that she has 2 kids already. He apparently was willing to be a fatherly figure to them. He has a son of his own too, but not married.

This is what I think you can conclude:

Your wife has told both you/OM that the baby is yours/his.

Both of you assume you're the Dad.

She probably doesn't know for sure. When she came back in November, did she initiate sex right off the bat? If so, was she setting the stage for her cover story?

Now what?

I honestly don't know if inutero paternity tests are available. I suggest you find out.

Otherwise, this may all have to wait the delivery. If you're the Dad, OM will probably split.

WAT

"An in utero paternity test is done by obtaining a sample of the baby’s DNA with either amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling and comparing the results of this test with the results of tests done on a blood sample from you and your consenting partner. It is not possible to do this without your partner’s knowledge and consent.

It is possible to determine from this testing whether your consenting partner is the father of the baby. This testing is expensive and there are risks involved with it, so you and your partner should consider counselling in order to make the decision about whether to have in utero paternity testing."

I'm not sure. Your line of thinking is taking the deception to another level - a level I don't think she could get to. I just don't think she would be home if she didn't think the baby was mine. She was the one who told me her friend was more than a friend and reveiled the affair to me.

You didn't think she would have an affair, either, right?

Yes, I am playing the devil's advocate here. But I hope you are right.

The deviousness of WSs in affairs should never be underestimated. When they paint themselves in a corner, they get VERY creative. The "Who's the real Dad?" game has been played out many, many, many times before.

So, how many dog eared pages on your copy of SAA? Don't have a copy? Get hot, man. Also, please consider getting into counseling with one of the MB counselors.

WAT