...bump for military advise

Well, nothing new to add. Talked to H yesterday about small stuff, work etc. Kept it light, said goodbye to him first. Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Can I say "I love you" or is that a no-go?

Okay Jen,

I will respond later to most of your questions...as everyone else is doing a great job keeping you on the right path. I wanted to respond right now concerning the military.

Is your husband Army? Is the OW? Right now, I will assume they are. Another question...are they in the same unit? Is one a leader of the other?

While I await your answers to those questions, let me say that you have an enviable position that most BSs on here would love! Yes...I said enviable! Why?

Because you can have the affair stopped cold right now. You see, the command can order the two of them to cease any contact with each other until such time as both are divorced. Should they then continue contact, they would be sent to jail for violating a direct order. So, the military can end that affair right now!

So, my advice...besides continuing Plan A (and NO MORE talk about divorce unless you want to divorce) is that you should contact the Inspector General immediately. The IG doesnt need full proof. An accusation is enough. Of course, any proof you have would be helpful. I was an IG for 4 years.

The IG will then go out and go on a fact-finding mission. He will eventually call in your husband and the OW and question them under oath. If they lie? They go to jail for up to 10 years and with a $10,000 fine!

If anything even smells like adultery, the IG will inform the commanding general of his findings. The CG then will issue an order to your husband's and OW's commander(s) to have the two soldiers cease contact immediately. And again, if they continue contact...well, I know generals are not to happy when their soldiers disobey their orders!

Dont worry about making your husband mad. Him getting mad wont end your marriage. The enemy is the affair. You can end that thin tomorrow if you really want to. Dont give them the next two months to plan for a future. They think they have time right now to work it all out before he leaves. Shut it down now.

Jen, if you dont end the affair, your marriage has NO CHANCE! You have a tool most BSs dream of. You can legally have your husband and OW separated from each other.

So, I would get ahold of the IG office at your local base and take all the evidence you can muster to him. Like I said, your husband will be VERY angry! But the affair is going to destroy your marriage...and may cost him his job in the military. The only way to save all of that is get this thing in the open and get the affair stopped.

Good luck and let me know if I can help with the military stuff. All of the Plan A stuff, these folks are great with.

In His arms.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> That's the way to do it JJ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Keep the lines of communications open. It's your window of opportunity to work Plan "A" on him.

Keep it light, allow him to feel "safe" so he can reattach to you.

You will have to resolve the "bigger" issues eventually. But for right now I would advise keeping the conversations with him light because we need him to reattach and feel "safe" talking to you. He is in a position when he could very easily sever communications and that would make it virturally impossible to Plan A with him.



I would say it if you feel that way. Don't expect him to say it back.

I have yet to hear from the OW (I emailed her.) I was waiting to see if she could provide some insight, but from what I hear I better not hold my breath.

So I am at a loss...

Post deleted by JadedJennifer

In a word, YES!

Okay, good... He needs help. I can tell he is struggling.

...up

Jen,

The reason I say go to the IG is that the IG has to keep confidentiality...at least as far as provided by regulation and the law. The IG will not let this investigation get outside where it needs to be. The IG will not allow the commander to sweep it under the rug. The IG will make sure that the two are separated immediately.

Since this soldier is under your husband's authority, this is a SERIOUS situation. Your husband risks jail time and a dishonorable discharge for fraternization. To the Army, that is more serious than the adultery!

Your husband WILL be caught and WILL be prosecuted, unless some sanity is brought into this and he stops what he is doing. If the commander or anyone else finds out on their own, his career is over and there will be some serious consequences. If you expose this to the IG and tell them you are trying to save your marriage, then the CG can make this a lot less painful then if he is "caught."

I was an IG for 4 years. So many soldiers thought they would NEVER be caught. And they almost always are!

The IG doesnt need a whole lot of facts. Was the email address his Army email or personal account? If Army, the IG will go and get all of his email history and find any offending emails.

You just tell the IG that you had access to his emails and saw incriminating evidence. And now you dont have access.

An Ig is trained to find the facts. he will interview people in the unit that may have knowledge. They will be told that they cannot discuss their interaction with the IG, or face jail time. Then, after amassing eye witness accountings, the IG will call in the OW and your husband. It is actually something like a perjury trap. What happens is they get in there and the IG asks questions. Right before it appears that he is going to lie, the IG will interrupt and remind him that should he lie, that he faces a long prison sentence and hefty fine. That usually is enough to get them spilling their guts.

It works every time. I had several cases where we had no evidence at all and had people spilling their guts with all of the info we needed because we made them believe we already knew.

So, take what you have, call the IG and get this going. You would rather have your husband face the IG instead of the JAG! And he will face the JAG if this doesnt stop!

In His arms.

Thank you so much Mortarman... You have been an invaluable asset. If only other military wives had access to you!

Thanks again,
Jen

I have been doing Plan A now going on 4 days. (Gosh that does seem to be a short eternity!) No M talk, no divorce talk, nothing but light conversation and me sending a package with a few things H needed.

Anybody have any thoughts on this letter?
Anything would be helpful!

JJ,

Keep on going with the good work on the Plan A!

Did you use ILY's and how did he respond?



I don't mean this as a 2X4 but when I read the letter I only got one boundry. That was that you would not welcome him back unless he sought help for the Porn addiction. Is this what you meant?

Remember that WS's rarely look for reasons to go back to the BS's. Usually their inclanation is to look for reasons to Disconnect from the BS. Hence the LB'ing, the rewriting of family history, the lying, etc...

I probably wouldn't send this letter. The whole tone of the letter is that he needs to get help with his porn addiction BEFORE you can work on the marriage. I think you can work on both at the same time. One does not necessarly need to proceed the other (Unless of course that is your intended boundry).

If it is your intent that he work on the Porn addiction BEFORE working on the M then send the letter and stick to your boundry.

I don't take it as a 2x4... I appreciate the advice. He needs help, and I can't live with him knowing he isn't doing anything to help himself.

I guess I don't like the idea of being a doormat, and I know that is NOT what plan A is about. I feel like I am just being too nice... Is that what is supposed to happen?

I am afraid to use ILYs, the last time I did I got an "I know". So I am wondering if I should start and just expect nothing so I won't be dissapointed.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Excellent! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You've set a boundry. Now you have to stick to it! Fortunately by being stationed at a Hospital he is very close to where he needs to be to get treatment for the Addiction. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Since you've set that boundry send the letter. Don't forget to send a few pics of yourself and the kids to remind him why he needs to work through the addiction.

I have to get to my "other" job so I'll make this a short post.

Stay Strong!

Just having a terrible night. I read through some of our old love letters, and I know I shouldn't have. I am so hurt and sad now.

God please make it stop.

I promise you it will get better. When I first came here, folks told me that, and I didn't believe it.

How long did it take you to get so strong, believer? Did you have hope in the beginning? I am reading your posts and I am amazed at how tough you are. When did you come to the realization that you didn't want him back?

Well, my situation has been going on for a long time. I was a complete mess when I found this place. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and was like a zombie at work. I was even thinking about suicide.

I hung in for a long time, standing for my marriage. But my WH was just completely done.

The good people here supported me, and helped me regain a life. I still had hopes for my marriage, but WH had no interest. I finally did lose my love for him.

Now he is starting to realize the mistake he made. Right now it is because the OW has dumped him. But I'm sure in the future he will fully realize it.