Where to begin?

I’m nearing 50, and I’ve been married to my W for almost 20 years. We have three kids ranging in age from 13 to 18. While my love for my W had been diminishing over the last 5 or 6 years, she continues to love me with all her heart. (18) months ago I started talking to another women on-line, who was trying to end an abusive marriage. We started seeing each other shortly thereafter. What started out as an innocent meeting turned into a full-blown love affair. What she and I have shared during the last (18) months is like no other relationship either of us has ever experienced. Besides being lovers, we are now best friends. We both feel we are soulmates, like we were supposed to be together! She would do anything for me, and I for her. But throughout the affair, I told her that I didn’t have the heart or guts to leave my family. She wasn’t pressuring me to do so either, because she knows what I would lose. Now I am at a crossroads. My lover is finally going through her divorce. I reluctantly told her that she should move on…..that she deserves to be with someone who can be there for her full-time. Yesterday we said what could be our last goodbye. We held each other and cried for close to 2 hours. It was so hard to let go. It’s hard to explain what we had.

My W does not suspect anything…….only that I have distanced myself from her. We have spoken several times about our relationship. We even went to counseling about a year ago, but that didn’t change my outlook on my marriage. I told her several months ago that I still loved her, but that I was not “IN LOVE” with her. I truly don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to hurt the kids. I know I’m to blame, and I not sure the kids would not forgive me for breaking up the family.

So what do I want? I want to be with my lover…..my best friend. She is all I think about! I can’t let her go. I don’t know how I can stay in my marriage if my heart is not there. My heart really was not in the marriage prior to the affair. Right now, my thoughts are to tell my W that I am not happy, and that I move out.

Okay, I’m ready to take any advice or bashing that anyone has to offer.

Thanks for listening.

Twisted T
I feel your distress as my situation is very similar. I am anxious to hear what others have to say who've been where we are.

First of all you deserve credit for coming here and telling your story. My advice is going to be short and sweet. Get away from this OW and go back to your M, tell your wife about the A, take responsibility for your actions, tell your wife about your feelings in the M and what needs are/were not being met, get professional counseling, make a commitment to make the M new and better than ever (heck, even steal the things that are good from the A) and don't let your kids down.

You say "how can I just do this when I am in love with this OW and can't think about anyone else"....

I propose that if you go with OW that within 3-5 years you will be back here having found another "soulmate" to replace the OW and wondering if you failed to give your M the attention and chance it deserved. A's are like addictions. Once you are hooked they are hard to give up regardless of how destructive to everyone they are. No cocaine addict tried cocaine with the intention of getting hooked, they only liked the way it made them "feel" there is that word again at the time.

You sir are at a major crossroads in life that you will never be at again. You have a decision to make. Now if you are a Christian the decision should be an easy one. OBEY GOD and get back and build a new M with all of the things that both you and your W want. Set an example for your kids. I don't envy the position that you have gotten into but there is still time to do the right thing and let the pieces fall where they may.

Why is it that we men all share this character flaw passed on to us by genetics that makes us feel we have to save the world. The OW makes you feel special because you were her knight in shining armor. You saved her and now you can't leave her because you feel you would be failing her. The bottom line is that this is all about you. Who is it that you are really failing here? The answer is you are failing yourself. One of the most important thinga about being a man is responsibility and living up to that. Where does your responsibility really lie?

Thanks, I appreciate your comments.

I don't know if I can do as you ask or even if I want to continue in my marriage. You see, I feel empty inside towards my W, and this is how I felt prior to the A. What I had with the OW is not normal, as it is something real special and precious. As I said before, I don't want to give that / her up!

Twisted,

Hope and Pray is right. I can't advise you speaking as a WS since I was the BS, but I do suggest you thoroughly read some of the insiteful posts from some of the FWS who have seen the light and are truly glad they stayed the course with their marriage.

Thankfully, my FWH never deluded himself into believing that he had anything more than SF with OW. She, on the other hand, wanted the whole package and ended up hurt.

IMHO, if you leave your W for OW, you will reach a point where you will wonder why. Look at the statistics for relationships that began as affairs and you will see how slim your odds are.

You will need to tell your wife everything and be prepared to see horrific pain caused by your actions. Don't delude yourself into thinking that either road will be easy for any of you.

Who

Read my post Twisted. This is something inside of you that you must deal with. You also was in love with your W at one time. A's have a way of accentuating the positive and limiting those negative things we see in each other, providing a fantasy land to conduct the R in. As soon as you marry this OW the fantasy land ends, the honeymoon is over and reality sets in, I predict that you will have wished that you would have given your M one, last, real committed effort prior to leaving for everyone's sake including yours. just an opinion.

Twisted-

Something is obviously going on, or you wouldn't be here.

I would say 90% of Wayward Spouses feel the same way you do.

Your affair isn't unusual, it isn't special. It is a relationship built on lies and the pain and suffering of your loved ones.

You've been with your wife for 20 years, you only THINK that you felt this way pre-A. You need to cut off contact with this OW, you need to tell your wife about the affair and try to work on the marriage.

Your FAMILY deserves better from you.

God Bless,

-Caren

TwistedT,
Glad you are here. The fact that you are here speaks of the type of man you want to be. I am a former wayard spouse and a current betrayed spouse, so I "get it" from both sides of this mess.

Give yourself a break from the guilt and shame you will feel if you allow this A to continue. Go home, bust your [censored] to try to fix your marriage. A relationship built on a foundation of lies and deceit can have no happy ending.

Why would you want to be with someone who would cheat with you? The first thing you and OW knew that was true about each other, is that you are both liars and cheaters (at least in that period of your life). You know the old saying, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

The whole "soulmate" thing is not indicative that OW is your destiny. The universe does not send you soulmates when you are married to someone else. I thought that my OM was my soulmate, maybe he is-who knows, but I know who my husband is. I cannot have any personal integrity by betraying my husband. If I become single again, I can persue whatever realtionship I want, and anyone who is my "soulmate" will be there at that time. (I just don't buy into the soulmate thing, love is a verb, not some mysterious aura)

Your feelings for OW are something that you actively nurtured and tended, they will disappear from neglect if you focus your energy on something else. Try to regain your integrity by keeping your reclaiming your commitment to your wife.

Stick around here, glad to meet you.

As the WW in your exact situation 5 months ago, I feel your pain. But, the wisdom from the others on this board holds true. I told my H not because of shame or regret. But because deep in my heart I knew that God would never present me with what I perceived to be an opportunity for MY happiness at the expense of others. The OM and I used to ask ourselves, "why were we brought together?". I (we) finally had to tell myself(ourselves) that it certainly wasn't in order to break the hearts of my children, spouse, family members and friends. Our emotions run very deep and maybe we are "soulmates". Yet the reality of the situation is that it is not meant to be. Try saying it out loud-ALOT (I do). I try to focus on God's promise that in HIS time, he makes all things beautiful. But, I also know that at times that my faith does not ease my pain. That's where I need help.

Twisted,

Your love for your W started to dimish when YOU stopped behaving in a loving manner towards her. That is how it works, the spouse who is giving the least in the M is the one who will have the affair. Love is a verb and the feelings follow the actions.

Which also explains why you think you have feelings of love for the OW. You`re treating her like a soulmate, you are giving HER all of your loving attention. So of course you feel like you love her.

The way to put and end to this is to STOP acting like you love the OW and START acting like you love your W.

Sounds pretty simple doesn`t it? But this is not going to be easy. First of all you have to cut off all contact with the OW once and for all, and forever. As long as you remain in contact with her your fog is not going to lift. And then you must of course tell your W. I am certain that she already has a clue, she has already noticed changes in you even though she might not quite be able to put her finger on the problem.

Your MC session didn`t pan out because you were still in contact with the OW. Did you tell the MC privately what was really going on?

If you do not give a doctor a full and accurate account of your symptoms then don`t expect the doctor to pinpoint the problem and figure out the treatment. The same goes for MC. You have to be honest with them if you want for them to help you.

And you must be honest with your W. You are not being fair to her. You are not giving her the opportunity to work out the REAL problem. You are depriving her of her choices. And that`s not right. Do you understand that?

What you need to do here is find yourself a good pro marriage MC. You can call you local psychiatric Assoc to find out who specializes in dealing with infidelity. Or you could call the Harleys and set up an appointment with them. They are the best.

A good MC will help counsel you on how best to handle your upcoming d-day. There are specific things you must do or must not do to get this process started on the right foot. The MC will help you with that.

I think you do want to repair your M or you would not be here. It can be done. Many people have weathered this, it`s tough but you can come out with an even better marriage at the end of it. Good luck and let us know what you are going to do.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I really don't (I know I come off that way), but these OP's are NOT your soulmates. I know it *feels* that way, but it's absolutely not the case.

This is a fantasy, and the sooner you realize it, the better off you're going to be.

God Bless,

-Caren

Think of it this way: the story that you have been telling yourself for the past 18 months is that this OW is your soulmate and your relationship with your wife is fatally lacking. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. By moving toward the OW you have necessarily pulled away from your wife, making yourself unable to receive any succor from the love your wife was offering.

If you were really that unhappy with your marriage, I think you would have left without another person coming into the picture. It seems to me that you have needs that you have not properly communicated to your wife and therefore she could have had no hope of meeting them. Sometimes it's easier to explore such needs with a new person because you don't have the baggage that comes with an existing long-term relationship. It can be easier to pour your heart out to someone who is seeing you with fresh eyes and may not be as judgmental as your partner.

You have something real to fight for here. Show your wife the respect she deserves and tell her what you are going through. It is going to be a hard process to "reprogram" your current way of thinking (regarding the OW), but on the plus side you have 20 years of history with your wife to draw from. Even though you feel now that this OW is your soulmate, I would guess that your wife knows you better than anyone.

I wish you much strength in whatever lies ahead for you.

Like Tempest said, "Everyone's opinion counts".

Cabin-

Of course everyone's opinion counts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry for what you and Twisted are going through, I know it must be painful.

I didn't mean to offend anyone, I am just trying to get you to see the flip side of the sitch.

God Bless,

-Caren

Everyone's comments have been appreciated. I know what the right thing to do is......of course it goes without saying that I have a responsibility to my family. I applaud all who have been in my situation before and nurtured their marriage back to the way it was or better than it was. That is wonderful! But you have to understand, that eveyone's situation is a little different. I truly mean it when I say that my relationship with the OW was truly unique. Each of us shared things together that neither of us shared with our spouses. She actually knows me better than my W does.

So I know what God wants me to do, what the right thing to do is, but I also have to listen to my heart.

"What I had with the OW is not normal, as it is something real special and precious" Oh, GAG, and just when I was enjoying my breakfast.

All cheaters say this, it's right out of the handbook.

Why don't you do your wife a favor, let her know what is going on in her life and divorce her? Then you and your "soulmate" can live happily ever after. Well, not really, since that statistics say that you have less than a 3% chance of getting married, and 75% of these marriages don't last.

After all you both know what you would be getting - someone who CHEATS!

Twisted.

I know how hard it seems right now. But sadly - you are singing the same story pretty much 95%of any former WS on here has spouted.

I can't even BEGIN to tell you the bond I felt with my OM! It was only a 6-8 week relationship...but my world began to revolve around him.

Things had not been good in my marriage for a long time. At the time I felt it was my husband neglecting me...i felt i was isolated from loved ones, family, friends...that he didn't really appreciate who I was...

You know what's funny? My HUSBAND felt very similar ways about me.

The main problem was COMMUNICATION. I thought we talked about these things - turns out - I never really talked to him like i thought I had - i pulled up his walls...I made him argue...he admitted it began a tit-for-tat sometimes in our relationship in what we would not do for eachother.

Who started it? Who cares...as long as one of us could stop the cycle.

The Om though - he really understood me, he got me. He listened to me. Sound familiar?

I am not 14 months post d-day and NC. I do not think those things anymore, and we are still in recovery- but i love my husband. My husband wont do MB, he wont go to councelling...so I have had to learn how to make some changes happen on my own.

I had to be the change to see the change. I learned about who my husband really is. Why he does the things he does...and how he shows me love in really wierd ways that i never knew. Many of the men on this board helped me into my H's head. I then learned how to talk to him, how to bring things up, how to keep his walls down. I then learned how accept that we dont have to agree. He doesn't have to UNDERSTAND how I feel...and i dont need him to. So pushing my opinion down his throat to make him UNDERSTAND me...i dont do. And I respect his opinion even when I dont agree. As I tell him. I don't agree at all - but it makes sense <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I realized as many people on here preach - do you want to be right or married.

and now 14 months later - we are still dealing with remnants of pain from affairs...but you know what - we are doing better than we have in 5 years. He is affectionate, he is warm and loving - OMG he says SORRY in a fight (I have heard sorry more times in the past few months than in all 7 of our married years)

but the minute I have a really bad day and am not working on my changes...and it lasts more than a Day - my husband acts different. hmmm isn't that funny - he reacts to me!!!

My point to all of this is that many times your disconnect, your neglect, your problems may be MORE your problems than you think.

And the OM/OW all they do is help keep you justified. I mean- they dont make you feel that way - they don't react to you like your spouse does...so how can it be wrong! Right?

Because as "truthful" as you are being with your lover...it really is a relationship built on lies. Your spouse has seen you at your worst and reacts to it. beleive it or not, as much as YOU are putting up with from your spouses? It's not one sided - they are putting up with JUST as much.

But when we are in affairs, because of the feelings OM/OW are giving us, we can't step back and rationally see this. We try...but in the end - the marriage isn't winning, the lover is.

This is why if you want to give your marriage a REAL shot - you have to agree to 6-12 months of NC - that is ABSOLUTLY NO CONTACT. and work on changing YOU, tell your WIFE the truth...and get into councelling.

If this lover is your soulmate - you guys will reunite when the marriage is over.

You did love your wife once.. and I bet if you gave her a shot...you could love her like that again. It's in your hands.

Did you know statistically, that maarriages starting as affairs...only 10% of them ever survive?

Did you know...your children may also have affairs when they grow up? My dad left my mom for his soulmate....their marriage lasted 2 years....funny how I then had an affair....found a man who could make my soul sing.

Funny how my husband had been that soulmate - and he was so easily replaced.

Funnny how while months before i met my OM, and during my affair, I was so discouraged and disillusioned by my marrige...that I was convinced i wasn't even REALLY happy on my wedding day.

Let me tell you - you can justify, say your sitch is different all you (and you to cabinfever) you want. it isn't.

And many FWS's on here can tell you - once you get out of that frame of mind...things start to look very differently...

Some people on here call it the fog...it's acually a whole shift of a belief system...and you believe it so to the core...you can't be convinced otherwise. But by choosing your marriage and NC...and starting the changes on you....bit by bit you can shift that belief system back...and build an even better marriage.

Give your wife a shot at trying...rigth now she doesnt even realize what she is losing and you haven't given her the shot to try to keep you!

Sadly she knows details about you your wife doesn't know - but your wife has lived with you for 20 years. trust me - your wife knows you more than you know. She knows evry little idiocyncrancy, every little annoying thing you do that she only found out after years of living with you...and I bet she loves you all the more for it.

Your lover may know secrets, and in depth conversations that rocked the world...but she has no clue who you REALLY are. Your wife does...

"God + right thing to do" vs. "my heart"

Rationally, there really is no contest, I would think. Of course, the feelings are not rational, and working through them is going to be painful whatever you do.

But the decision has to proceed from reason and ethics IMHO. And if it does, there really is no contest, although clearly it is going to be a very tough road.