Its been now six years to our marriage and we have three kids (five year
old son, three year old son and one year old daughter).

I have been separated from my wife in mid of Dec05. As my wife was keep asking for a divorce. I thought it is batter to give her sometime to think on her decision and also take sometime for myself to think more seriously on this
matter and once we both have made our mind, we may go ahead with our decision later on but we must not take this so important decision so quickly.

The reason of asking for a divorce: me and my wife had stop the
communication with each other on very silly things (like you always find a fault in my work where as I always tried to help her to do the things in batter way) and expecting from each other to make first step to start communicating. in this duration I was getting so depressed as well as my wife was getting depressed but on the same time we both were standing firm on our ego and not to take first step to start the communication. in this duration my wife started to talk with my nephew (my nephew [age 27] was living in my house from last one and half year) and when / how the affair started I dont know but I after reading the emotional needs I can see why the affair was started because I was not fulfilling my wife's emotional needs.

when I found that my wife had an affair, I asked her to stop it and lets work out together to sort out our conflicts and lets go to couple counciling. in the begining she agreed but next day she refused and said I want to finished this relationship, I cannot live with you anymore. I was so upset after hearing all that, and had no clue what to do, I called my brother-in-law and told him about the affair and he got angry with me on the same time my wife also refused having an affair and told her brother that I cannot lve with this person anymore who is lying / blaming me with such things. since then my in laws started to hate me and keep trying to make trouble for me i.e. not letting me to see the kids etc.

In the begining my wife was letting me to see the kids but now she has refused to let me see the kids.
Now I have got the impression from my wife's recent behaviour that my brother-in-law has enforced my wife not to let me see my kids and if I try to contact her, and she must direct me to him.

I still wants to resolve the conflicts and work on our relationship but I dont know where to start. everytime I try to contact my wife she is not talking to me.

Kindly can you please assist me in this situation what is the best way to handle the situation.
me BS= 33
wife WS= 33
DDay 26/12/05
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hopeandpray
Member
Reged: 19/01/2006
Quote Quick Reply

Why are you out of the home? Is this home not in both of your names? If it is, move back in right away and stay. Tell her if she doesn't like being with you then leave but leave without the kids. She created this little mess regardless of the EN's you were or were not meeting. This is on her head and she bears responsibility for it. Read about Plan A ASAP on this board. Have you exposed the A to family, friends, people of influence? As far as the kids go (I assume as you say they are "your" kids together) there is no way that she can keep you from seeing them. If she does get a lawyer and take her to court ASAP and show her that your are serious and not a doormat. Keep updating as people here are great and will be of invaluable service to you.

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KFH
Reged: 29/01/2006
Posts: 22

Thank you hopeandpray, well me and my wife both applied the council house together, but council made the tenancy agreement on my wife's name, after I left the house I contacted the council and they told me that its your metromonial home thats how the council look at it, if you want, you can go back and stay in the house. but now I dont know if I have the right to go back once I have volunteerly left the home.

I have exposed the A to my in-law and they all got angry toward me and of course my wife has refused the A in front of her family therefore I am a lier in front of my inlaws.

Since my wife had told that she will not let me to see the kids I have contacted the lawyer and going to arrange court order to see the kids but then what I think if I send the court order to my wife, will it help me to resolve our conflicts in future or it will make the situation worst. sometime I think I should hold on for a while before sending her the court order !!!

Edited by KFH (11/02/2006 06:36)
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MowTin
Junior Member
Reged: 10/02/2006
Posts: 7

KFH,

Do you have proof of the A? Before you expose that's the first thing you should have.

If you have proof then show that to your in-laws. What is your ethnicity? Are you Asian?

I ask because in some communities an A is a great shame upon the family. Maybe you can threaten to expose to the community.

Hope, Love, and Faith
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KFH
Junior Member
Reged: 29/01/2006

MowTin,
u got it right I am an asian, and it is a great shame in our community. well when OM left the house he left his credit & debit cards and other bank details with WW and I have shown these to my inlaws. it is something very big that my inlaws can see why someone will leave such things with someone for nothing (though there wasn't any money in OM's account). when my inlaws asked the question to WW, she just said that OM left it with me cause he was going out of country, simple is that. and then myinlaws turned up to me what else have u got to prove your statement. of course I haven't had anything else but words to say.

well my inlaws has done the job to spread it in the family and other relatives already (they tried to use this against me but without realising that thier sister is also involved in this stupid story).

Now somehow I got the feeling that my wife and her family are blaming me for all the shame they are getting from all the relatives and family members. therefore not letting me to see the kids.

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KFH
Junior Member
Reged: 29/01/2006

Today I have recvd two drafs from my solicitors to send to WW in regards with, first one, for contact arrangement with kids and second one for matromonial matters (to reslove through madiation or couple counciling) its has been clearly mentioned in the letters that I am not interested to see my inlaws and if there is anything we we have to discuss it should be between two of us. I m not expecting that WW will accept to go for couple counciling but I m keeping my options open. let see what will come in response to these letters.
KFH
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LovingAnyway
Member
Reged: 19/11/2004
Posts: 673

KFH,

Did you read up on Plan A and Plan B? If this is like your Plan B, then you skipped a few steps.

Are you angrier at your inlaws or your wife?

LA

--------------------
me FWW - 45
FWH - 44
3 S; 22, 20, 16
FWH - EA/PA 8 weeks
FWH moved back in 10/24/04 &
Committed to M 12/15/04
In Recovery and so grateful for our M
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KFH
Junior Member
Reged: 29/01/2006
Posts: 22

LovingAnyway,
you are right I am not following either plan A or B. I have read the both plans where in plan A I should be in the house and concerntrate on my actions and try to fulfil WW EN as much as I can on the other side Plan B if WW is keep in contact with OM then I stop all my contacts with WW unless WW agreed to follow on with joint agreement policy.

but in my senario, I m out of my house and have tried to contact WW but she is not ready to talk where as my inlaws are comming in & influencing my wife on the same time. Now I didn't get the chance to apply plan A though I wanted to try it first. on the same time I m hoping A has been stoped beteen WW and OM as its been opened to everyone including WW's family and mine as well as other relatives.

I m not agnry with WW and my inlaws but got feeling that my inlaws are making the situation worst (may be they think they r trying to improve the situation, but I can see its not helping) therefore I want get in contact directly with WW and not with inlaws.
KFH
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MowTin
Junior Member
Reged: 10/02/2006
Posts: 7

KFH,

If you had proof of the affair then your in-laws would be on your side. They would pressure your wife to straighten everyting out. It was a bad idea to expose to them without sufficient proof.

Is the affair on going? If it is you need to gather some evidence.

If you can get any evidence then maybe it's best if you try to make peace with your in-laws. Explain to them that it's in their best interest for you and your wife to reconcile. I don't think a divorced Chinese woman with two kids is going to be able to find another husband in the Chinese community. I think she's bluffing about the divorce.

Is she going to marry your nephew?

P.S. How do you know for sure she was having an affair with your nephew?

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Hope, Love, and Faith
Edited by MowTin (18/02/2006 00:16)
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KFH
Junior Member
Reged: 29/01/2006
Posts: 22

Hi MowTin
well I caught her red handed, while she was on the phone talking to OM. then she agreed that she was interested in OM but so far they haven't done anything (sex etc). later I listend their coversation cause WW was thinking to finish A but still was feeling sorry for OM. WW was confused, after I told her that we can work out on our relationship, first she told me ok and next day again she start asking for D. thats where I got mad and called her family to open the A.

I am not sure but thinking of that A is stopped as the OM is not in the country anymore and WW has changed home tel no. I can't see WW going to get married OM. cause WW has already refused in front of her family that she has got no relationship with OM. and if she has to marry OM she need to inform her family soon or later as its not possible without their permission.

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MowTin
Junior Member
Reged: 10/02/2006
Posts: 7
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KFH,

Your wife is bluffing about the divorce. It looks like there is nothing you can do to get any proof now.

Just talk to your in-laws and ask them if they really think a divorce is good for their daughter and grandchildren.

I think your inlaws are the key in your situation. Forget trying to convince of them of the affair. Just tell them that you felt there was an inappropriate relationship and drop that issue with them. Focus on what is best for their daughter and grand kids. I doubt they think that her being a single mother is what is best for her.

After they get on your side then you can get to plan A with your wife.

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Hope, Love, and Faith
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KFH
Junior Member
Reged: 29/01/2006
Posts: 22

Thanks MowTin,
you have given me such a great advise, I will do that indeed. I know my inlaws will be desperate to talk to me once my wife will get the letter from my solicitor. and I will try to talk to them in a same manner you have mentioned. first I was thinking to avoid my inlaws. but after you have suggested, it make sense to talk to them and to bring their attention to the actual fact, i.e. forget about what has happended but to think about what we can do together, to save the relationship.

hopefully, next week sometime I am expecting the response either from my wife or inlaws. I will keep you update with the situation, thanks.
KFH
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Hi All

I have cutted and pasted my link here as "LovingAnyway" kindly suggested me.

SOME OF THE MISSING INFORMATION FROM PREIVOUS LINKS
(28th Jan I went to see my kids at my metromonial home (WW lives there) and WW didn't have A problem to let me see the kids, I picked up my sons with me while my daughter was asleep, and went to town/Park after 2/3 hours came back at home and WW went upstair to picked up the daughter, i stayed there another half an hour to play with my daughter and then left.

next week I tried to go and see the kids again but all of the sudden WW started to shout at me and asked me to leave without leting me to see the kids. when I asked whats the matter she told me go and see my elder brother dont talk to me otherwise I will call the police. I told her that I am not intersted to talk to your brother and if you want to call the police I will not stop u either, but can we talk for 5 min. but she didn't reply then I came back.

After that I realised that my in-laws are trying to pinch me and its kind of revange, not to let me see my kids due to what I told them about A. )

I am not sure if WW is in a state of withdrawal. or it is an influence from her family thats she is behaving in such a way i.e. not letting me to see the kids on the same time dont want to talk to me.

so far I haven't attempted to go and see WW & kids since 28 Jan06. and still waiting for reply from my solicitor i.e. if they have received any respond from WW or her solicitor.

I am not sure now if I should go again to see my kids directly or I must wait for a response from my solicitor.

Any advise would be much appreicated.
KFH

Here is my advice and it has been given to you before and you didn't listen: GO HOME. You cannot save your marriage by leaving your family. You cannot help your kids by leaving apart. Pack your backs, go home and say "hi honey, I AM HOME!!"

She will be mad, but you can handle that for the sake of your marriage, can't you? For the sake of your kids?

When she yells and screams at you tell her that you love her but are staying home. Don't allow her to bait you into any fights.

When the furor dies down we can help you work on your marriage. But there is nothing we can do except tell you to go to a lawyer unless you go home. And going to a lawyer HURTS your chances at saving your marriage.

GO HOME!

Thank you very much MelodyLane,
I do want to go home, but the problem is last time when I went to see the kids my wife didn't even open the door. and my brother-in-law keep forcing me to leave their sister for a while (so called give her a space) without realising that it could create more gape b/w us.
KFH

Do you not have a key to your own home? If you don't, and she won't let you in, you can call the police. They will let you in your OWN HOME. She cannot lock you out of your home.

The best thing for your marriage is to BE HOME. You cannot work on your marriage if oyu are NOT THERE. Not being at home is a HUGE GAP that you cannot overcome, that is why you must be at home.

If your wife wants "some space" tell her to go in the bathroom and shut the door.

But this is your home and you should be there to take care of your family. If you are in America, many courts look at leaving as ABANDONMENT. And essentially that is waht you are doing by leaving, you are abandoning your family.

Thanks MelodyLane,
I am dafinately going to try to go back home no matter what and if my wife dont let me get in then definately I will seek help from police. may be my inlaws will come and try to force me out but once I got in my house then I will try to handle the situation without lossing my temper.

will update u soon
Thanks
KFH

KFH, how can your inlaws force you out of your own home?

Guys need help again
today I went to see my brother in law (BIL) and tried to show him some evidences (an email from OM accepting that he had a EA with WW) but my BIL refused to see the email. and told me that I am trying to turn their favour towards me and want them to hate their sister. so that I can take the advantage of it and torcher their sis even more. my BIL was very aggressive while talking to me, I told him not to get upset and calm down but he was keep telling me that u r a lier. and I cannot believe u anymore. I tried to explain him that this is the reason I am here to get this miss understanding cleared out but he didn't listen to me.

as a matter of interest WW was also there at BIL's house and as soon as she saw me at the door, she went to the other room and didn't even face me.

The reason I tried to contact my BIL was to take him in confidence but it didn't work. he is like just dont want to face the truth. because what I have told him about the A.

In my case its looks like to open up the A (without proof) is getting into even more difficult situation.

the only way now I can see, to get in contact through the kids. I mean when I will start visiting my kids over the week ends.
KFH

MelodyLane
you know in our Asian families the problem is, elders are very much involved in everything. and where I live, all my inalws are on walking distance. if I will go to my home definately WW will call my inlaws as she does not want to continue the relationship (I think because of withdrawal state, it could be withdrawal from me or OP or may be both)
and once inlaws are there then it will be kind of fighting situation.
KFH

KFH, but your inlaws do not have the power to throw you out of your own home. They cannot come in your home and fight you either. Your family needs you to be there. You are married to your wife, not your inlaws. Please go home. They cannot throw you out, but you can throw THEM OUT.

You can't save your marriage if you are not there.

MelodyLane,
just to let you know that my metromonial home is not my house but its council house, when we got the house from council they registered it to my wife's name. so thats the tricky part of it, thou we applied for a council house as married couple and I was paying all the rent/utility bills and taxes etc. but still its on my wife's name.
KFH

KFH, but she is still your wife and this is still your home, right? This is your legal residence because you are her husband. Have you checked out your legal rights? Are you saying the police would haul you off if you tried to go to your own home?

KFH-

Wow, your situation seems sticky.

Can you not go to your Mother and Father in law and tell them that you only want to be with your Wife and children? That really is what will be best for them.

I sort of understand what all the fuss is about, it's a dishonor to them to have their daughter (sister) accused of infidelity, correct? So it's better for them to say you're a liar than to admit that this really happened...is that right?

What country are you in??? Your english is really very good, by the way.

God Bless,

-Caren

CarenMc

I have tried to get the point exactly what you are saying to say sorry and try to get on and start with Plan A.

but you will not believe it, how my inlaws are thinking. they dont want to listen to me cause my wife is telling them all the false stoires to use this situation and finish the relationship with me. everytime I am trying to approach my inlaws they have got new story and tells me that you are keep telling us the lies and we are getting to know them now slowley slowley.

when I went to see my inlaws this w/end (to discuss that I m moving back to my home), they told me that now we know, u just picked the words of our sisters and made the story of A. I asked them what u mean by that. they staired at me like they are going to kill me now. and then told me that, first you told ur wife that you have an A with OP and when she got frustrated from your questions finally she accepted and told you yes I do have, what do you want from me. then you wrang us and told us that our sister has told you that she had an A with OP. how dare u can do that. (this story came from WW to her family)

can you see what WW is playing with me and with her own family. now in this situation if I am going to simply say that yes I told a lie, the simple reply from my inlaws will be, our sister is batter of without you (such a lier) who cannot respect the Relationship.

u must be kidding CarenMc by saying "Your english is really very good, by the way." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

I dont want to mention my country of origin, just for privacy reason, hope you would not mind. currently I m living in the UK

So, you're a Brit!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, KFH...you are in a world of hurt right now. Please take hope. See, you are still being subjected to what all BS seem to have to suffer...that their once loving spouse is now a WS and is projecting a lot of stuff onto you from them...the lying, manipulation and now that she's alerted that you want proof of A, and he's out of the country (UK, I believe?) that there really isn't any proof to get?

Take heart! If they are in contact, you can track that. If they are by email/phone/even internet phone, you can get proof! If they are not...then she'll go through withdrawal (still distant from you) but without her drug, she will wake up. You are in Plan A...tell us what you're doing. You can do Plan A while living apart...ask CarenMc...she knows! She's exceptionally creative, too.

You have suffered injustice. Please do not allow that to make you unjust. You can have your wife and family back, I promise. Do not say you lied to your inlaws...nor do you argue with them anymore. They decided what they decided...they are not worth fighting. You will either get proof and expose to everyone (can't you go to the council about the council house?) you can think of, all at the same time. Or, if him being out of the country...did you say permanently or for many, many months?...well, Plan A works both ways, don't you think?

We're behind you...uhm, pushing you all the way.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You can do this. You're not alone. And be very careful with knowing the difference between "better off" and "batter of"...batter would be to hit repeatedly. I know you are not doing that!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

LovingAnyway, you made me laugh, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> thanx for that.

well, now what I am thinking is NC with inlaws and start contact with my kids which will allow me (soon or later) to interact with WW. right now WW is not letting me to see my kids as u can see my previous emails therefore I have sent WW a letter from my solicitors to arrange contact with children this is the second week now and I am hoping a response from my solisitor by end of this week.

so far what I have done is to show WW that I still respect her family (everytime I went to see my inlaws they try to blame me and I kept my self under control and try not to argue unnecessary)

WW keep trying to avoid me though in the begining after Dday she was talking to me and also alowing me to see the kids but since I stopped talking to my inlaws, she has changed her behaviour (and this is what I feel my inlaws influenced her) and she has turned her feelings as well, may be to find it as a scape route. before getting apart I was with WW for a day and night, and we discussed the A, I told her that we can work on our relationship and make it even stonger. and she asked me for forgivness and I told her dont worry, we are one and we will together work on our relationship, I love u. but next day she got her feeling back and may be she felt that I will torcher her in future by reminding her A. I dont know. and told me that no I cannot continue this relationship and want D. this is where I called my inlaws to open the A.

KFH

just a quick update,
today I wrang my solicitor and discussed with her if I can go back to my home, keeping in mind my wife does not want me to be there. the reply from solicitor was that yes I can go back to my metromonial home but if WW is not happy she can take an order against me to kick me out of there with any false reason (i.e. I am harassing WW or domestic voilence type of stupid thing). so the answer is yes and no on the same time. plus I see this would be huge LB in this case.

still haven't received any response from WW in regards with communication through my solicitor.
KFH

KFH, it is not a lovebuster to go to your home. That is your home and you should be there to take care of your family. A lovebuster is not anything the WW does not like. It means:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

See, going to your own home is not on that list. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be home, my friend.

MelodyLane, Thank you for such a great advise I do appreicate what you are saying. and I am trying my level best to go back to home but on the same time dont want make situation worst for me.

I have just phoned to the council and asked them what is the posibility for me to move back to my home. the first question they asked, is the house registered on my name or on my wife's name I told them though house is registered on my wife name but we both applied for it together on the same time I was paying all the rent and taxes. they have told me if you are not living in the house u should not be paying the rent cause it will not benefit you anything on legal side. (thou I m not paying the rent since I have moved out) saying that I am still paying all the utility bills of the house as well as paying the child maintenance to WW.

Anyhow Council people have given me housing advisor's contact number to ring tomorrow and the advisor will be able to tell me exactly where I am standing in this situation.

will update u tomorrow after talking to housing advisor.

KFH

Ok guys, I have spoken to Coucil Housing advisor and what I have found if my wife is happy then I can get into my house otherwise its very easy for WW to call the police and kick me out of the house, cause 1) the house is registered on her name and 2) if WW or her family call the police with word "domestic voilence" there is no chance for me to stay there plus I could be given a warrning not to come near to WW.

Now the only option I am looking at is to get the orders to see my kids and start on the plan if there is any from there only.

any thoughts would be much appreicated
KFH

some update, today I have contacted Family Mediation Services, and have booked an appointment for 16/03. not sure if WW will be comming up. I have checked with my solicitor and she hasn't heard anything either from WW. I dont know what to do. on the same time I asked my solicitor if I can make another attempt to go and see the kids on my own and she was bit reluctant to say yes, reason behind is that WW can take it as harrasement and therefore it will not be good for me. she recommneded me if I really want to go I must take some female with me (not man, again it will be kind of harasment thing with another man) and if WW refuse to let you see the kids there will be a witness that you didn't do anything harmful but only went to see the kids. and guess what I haven't got any female friend apart of my co-workers. and I dont feel good to ask them to come with me to visit my kids cause if WW says rude things it will not be good, I am just keep thinking what to do but not getting any kind of path to follow.

can anyone please advise me, if I am not doing enough to improve the situation or I am going in the wrong direction.

thanks
KFH