So I've read this thread and am at a loss.

On D-Day for my WW first affair, our daughters were 12 and 11. We were counseled (by a pastor and MC) to protect them from the pain and struggle of the affair. I found out later (after recovery had started) that my WW had taken my kids to lunch with the OM once, but never found out about any other unusual contact. The OM was a member of our church and a "friend" of mine, so they had social contact all the time before I found out about the affair. We never told our children.

Since D-Day for her most recent affair, I left the house for the night out of frustration at my WW's refusal to tell the truth. I told my daughter I was called in to work (occasionally happens at night). Our daughters are now 16 and 15. The OM in this case lives in another state and there was never contact between them and him. We are trying to recover now and have not told our children about the most recent affair.

My daughter's aren't stupid -- I know they realize there is something going on between us, but I don't think they have any idea that it was an affair and how close their mom is to leaving.

If I suggest we tell them now, my WW would simply see it as me trying to get back at her by making her look bad to our children. I don't think we could agree to sit them down and "have a talk about their Mom's bad choices" without feeling some wrath or back-lash from my wife that would push us backward in recovery.

My questions are: Do we continue to keep the details from our daughters? Do I wait for a future "episode" from my wife to serve as a catalyst for getting it out in the open with our children? Certainly they're old enough to understand.

Thoughts?

My 2 DD13, DS12 were unfortunately there for the fireworks of D-Day, so they know everything, they are at teh age where they figured it out and voiced it to me before I was ready to deal with it. Soooo You must keep kids aware, do not lie to them, kids are smarter than you think. I look at my 2 as young adults without much worldly or life experience, ahve enver lied to them and have always stressed the importance of telling the truth, being hones, moral values, and foremost integrity. Now I have to teach them to show a little respect to FWW, they asked why this morning and said she hasn't respected us or the family or you for a long time so Why should we? I said because she is your mother, she is a little confused right now, and the right thing to do is extend the olive branch and see if she will take it and return the favor. We shall see.

Spidey,

Please understand these are just my thoughts. You are the decision maker so do what is best for you and your family.

Give the above and what you wrote, my observations and take w/b:

Observation:

1. You were asked to NOT inform the children and she has had at least 2 A's. So this is not a good move.

2. Trust has yet t/b restored.

3. You don't know where your children thoughts....yet....you need to find out.

4. You don't have closure......obvious since the trust factor is still not working.

5. She maybe still exhibitng WS like character traits which makes her dangerous to the entire family.

6. Your children need your support and guidance.

My 2 cents:

A. Your children need your support and guidance.

B. Your W needs to earn back her family's trust.

C. You and the children need to feel safe from the Xws.

D. You need to identify your personal boundaries.

E. Work with your daughters so they can ID their personal boundaries.

F. Even if the A is in the past..... you still need to address the principal of how wrong an A is. You could make it general 1 on 1 or group discussions with your children and let them know what type of conduct is not condoned in your family. Let them know that in the past, 'others' were able to commit bad acts and try to fool our family but no more. Ask for their support to keep out bad acts in the family circle. Ask for them to be up front with their questions about themselves, others and life in general. That as their parent you will try to give them answers that will help them become valuable adults. Reassure them of your love and will be there to help them through good times and bad. That you want to minimize the type of problems they may face. That together as a strong family unit..... it w/b easier than going through life alone.

JMHO,
L.

Thank you, Orchid and Eagle for responding.

It's a tough situation and I appreciate your candid responses.

I'm not sure how to broach the concept without killing any forward progress we've been making (at least I think we've been making). I will discuss it with our MC (during first session) and see what the recommendation is.

My gut says the children should know if only to help them understand the "weirdness" in our home of late. I hope my WS sees it that way.

Thanks again.

If you choose not to go into the specifics. Discuss in general with your children a plan on how to handle future issues.

L.

Spidey,
A few words of advice to add to Orchids. My children are 17, 15, 14, 14. The older 2 knew but the younger 2 did not. They all knew that Mom and Dad were not getting along well, but they did not know why. I chose to keep that info from the twins. They spent the last year wondering what was up, and why no one would tell them. They are angry with me for not telling them when the older 2 knew. You see they have missed out on the feelings and healing from over a year ago. I clearly let them down. In trying to protect them from the hurt, and not wanting to send my FWH right back into the arms of OW, I caused more damage. FWH had not up until a few days ago had to own his chit to the whole family. The twins were left out of the loop. They are angry and I dont blame them, Had I been honest with them back then, it would be different. I chose to think about how FWH would feel about it, and react to it instead of being honest with the kids. Honesty has always been a key part to our family. When FWH was with OW that honesty went out the window for everyone. It is still not there yet, FWH tells half truths, I withheld info from the kids, and they have since withheld from me and FWH. Vicious cirle.
FWH and I talked and he agreed it was time to tell them in his way. I sat, listened and waited to cushion the blow. The kids were great, and thanked us for the honesty. They had words to say to thier dad, and needed to say them to begin thier healing process that was denied to them by us.
Please talk to you FWW and express that this lie needs to come out. Either as Orchid suggested or with the full truth. There is no need for details of the A. Just the fact that A happened and that FWW is trying to earn back trust from you and hopefully them. IMHO.
JE

JE,

The problem with some knowing and some not is they will get together to try and figure out what's up. Mine did and came to some very accurate conclusions. They asked and I explained. They were not surprised, and they do get upset if I don't keep them up to date as FWW interacts with them as well and babble is babble whether it's to S or kids.

On d-day, OM bought my wife plane tickets to fly out of state to live with him...even though they had never met. Our kids were 17 and 15 at the time (two sets of twins).

When she told me she was moving out to go live with him, I told her that I was NOT going to enable her doing this in any way...and that part of that would be that she was going to have to break this to our kids herself. When the kids got home from school, I went outside and let her talk with them. She'd even talked with OM about how she thought this would go before all of this happened...she felt that they'd be upset with her, but that they'd come around quickly and even come to love OM. The kids told her that if she left, they would NOT come visit her at OM's...EVER. They were HURT, and MAD. Far far more than WW (at the time) thought they would have been (can you say FOG?).

I refused to hide anything from them. Other than to not let them see just how devestated I was by all of this...but I failed miserably at that.

They put tons of pressure on her not to go, and to think about what she was doing. She didn't want to listen...but that was part of what her finally starting to see what the outcome of her choices would be. I sat her down and showed her that if she went to live with OM, that she wouldn't be able to 'live' with the kids for at least another year...because they made it clear that they wouldn't go there before they graduated, and refused to even consider going that summer that all of this happened...talk about an eye opener for her.

I personally feel that the kids should be told as much truth as they can handle...because lies or hiding things from them simply make it harder for them to deal with the whole thing over all.

Agree 100%