I'm taking all of this is in, but again, how long should plan A last for?....especially in a case like mine. My wife just thinks that I'm changing because I knew about them...or should I say, because she told me about them. In part that is true, but I never admitted it. And never will.

sadmm, but isn't it the truth that you are changing because her affair WOKE YOU UP? That is very common. It is sad that it took, but it is the truth. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Your Plan A is sorely lacking some very key elements, my friend. And that is namely EXPOSURE. Your W is in an affair and this affair hs not been exposed. Exposure is simply RUINOUS to affairs because they can only survive on secrecy.

Yet, this affair continues to get more and more serious because you have helped hide their secret. Now your W wants to take it a step further and I assure you this will get worse until you step up to the plate and do something to save your marriage and your family.

You have some great exposure opportunites here that you are missing.

This is Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.