There is something I don’t understand about exposure:

I always thought the purpose of exposure is only to help bring the A to an end and that exposure should only continue until contact has ended completely. This is how I have always understood it but now I have read on another thread (quoted by Mel) that Dr Harley says the following about this:

”Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.”

I don’t know what to think about this and I don’t completely agree with this… IMO there is no purpose in exposing an A which has already ended and where the FWS is committed to the BS and M – unless the couple POJA about this and agree to expose. Any thoughts?

After my EA has ended I have exposed myself to some family members and friends myself (with the approval of my H) – mainly to establish a support network for myself and to help keeping myself accountable at the time… During the times the temptation was great to contact XOM (during withdrawal and early recovery), I would contact one of these friends, family members or H in stead. But I would be furious and it would hamper our recovery if my H would decide to expose the EA (without my knowledge and agreement) to people after contact has ended. I would not view it as a supporting or loveable act, but in fact as an attempt to get back at me and/or humiliate me.

Any input from BS's and FWS's will be appreciated.

Edited to add:
I believe an A should always be exposed to the OP's spouse, whether the A has ended or not.

Suzet, yes I was sort of surprised to read that too, since we had always been taught that exposure was only done for the purpose of ending the affair. But I don't recall where I got that information, and suspect it was just an assumption made by board members and repeated so often that it took on the patina of gospel.

Apparently, Harley does not agree with that, though! And I have to say that I highly value his wisdom and experience in this field.

I can see the wisdom in his words and tend to agree with him. How often do we see affairs resume around here because they were kept secret? And perhaps another result is that the WS does have a support system in place in case he/she thinks about a resumption?

Here is the thread with the email from Dr. Harley:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=&PHPSESSID

Suzet,

Unless Dr. Harley (Bill) as changed his stance, your beliefs are pretty much in line with what he (and Steve and Jenn) recommend. I will put a caveat on this that I haven't talked with any of the crew for a few years now, so some of this may have changed.

Let's look at this email, because I believe that Melody is misinterpreting it.


First paragraph, the focus is on the typical MarriageBuilder rules to recover from an affair: radical honesty, accountability, transparency. Note the escalation in the measures: some couples are counseled to quit their jobs OR EVEN move to another state to ensure separation. This is completely consistent with what I was counseled with several years ago.


The key here is "a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair". Not any or all affairs---but in the situation where there is a struggle in restoration. The implication of this struggle is continued contact with the OP by the WS. This (my) interpretation of the letter is also consistant with the MB counseling I received. If an affair isn't broken in Plan A---exposure is escalated. First exposure is to the wayward spouse (you know about the affair). From there, it can be escalated to family, friends, and coworkers---if the spouse isn't able to end the affair and the situation is detrimental to recovery. In the case of my wife's affair---I exposed to her immediately, to my SIL within a month or so, and to parents after about 5 months (just before Plan B). I believe that this timeframe would be too slow for the typical case being handled by Dr. Harley today.


You'll note in this paragraph that while the basic rules to end an affair (honesty, accountability, transparency) remain the same regardless of whether it's a one-night stand or a longterm affair---the methods used for long term affair are more "extraordinary". And that's consistent with the view you have Suzet---if recovery is moving along, exposure will only be seen as punishing and vengeful.

And with regard to the OP's spouse knowing---POJA first.

Mel, thanks for your thoughts. I understand what you're saying althought I think in cases where A's are exposed after an A (and where the FWS is remorsefull and committed to the BS and M), the couple should first POJA about this and be very, very carefull who they expose the A to. You know, many people will use this against the FWS and use it to degrade the FWS and gossip behind his/her back - and therefore it's important to only expose to people who really care about the FWS and who will be able to support the FWS in doing the right things.

Yes, this is definitely a positive result (I've experienced this myself).

Dr Harley says:

"Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public."

Maybe Dr Harley mean by this that an A should only be exposed in cases after an A has ended where the couple struggle to restore the M and that this don't have to be done in cases where the couple don't struggle with restoring the M and doing fine in their recovery. What do you think?

K, there is always a "struggle" in restoration of a marriage after an affair. That defines the situation in every marriage after EVERY AFFAIR. He is clearly defining the situation AFTER THE AFFAIR. He does not say DURING the affair or if there is a resumption. No, in fact he makes it clear he is talking about methods to prevent a rekindling:

Quote

"An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation." Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public.

So, its quite clear in that context that the goal of exposure is prevention of a resumption AFTER the affair has ended. He is talking about a) after the affair has ended and b) ways to prevent it from rekindling.

But if you still aren't clear, I would suggest sending him an email and asking him to clarify or calling him yourself on his show today and telling him you don't agree with him.

You know, I can relate to this in several ways as a recovering alcholic. Exposure DID help in my recovery because it not only kept me honest and prevented me from drinking in front of others, but it greatly widened my support circle.

Like you, I eventually told most of my close family members - and children - myself once I came out of the fog and could honestly face what I had done. I would have to say that it was one of the things that helped me stay sober the most. I don't know, but I wonder if that is the dynamic he is seeking?

Mel


While I agree that every affair brings a struggle, I disagree with your interpretation that Harley recommends this method in dealing with all affairs. It's not written that way.


It's not me that "disagrees" with him. It's HIM that disagrees with himself. At least with the advice that I received from him (personally) many years ago.

I'm heading out of town for the week and won't be able to correspond with him---feel free to shoot him an email youself (I'm delegating), or I'll do this when I get back next week.

I'm not doing this to be snotty, Mel. This is a very important point that I believe is being misrepresented---again, I've had coaching from all three of the Harley's, and your interpretation is inconsistant from what I've gotten. My caveat with this is that I haven't discussed any of this with them recently, and Bill continually refines his process to increase success. But if this is misrepresented---there's the potential to do harm with exposure where none is "needed" (to keep the affair from rekindling).

Hi Suz -

Count me in as perplexed.

I first reacted that maybe "had" in the quote above was meant to be "has." But then that wouldn't fit with "after."

Absent some explanation, I'll stick with the conventional wisdom we've been spewing - and it's logical. Unless I'm missing something, unnecessary exposure could be nothing more than punishment and could be detrimental to recovery. Anyone for bringing back the scarlet "A"?

JMHO
WAT

I am a FWW early in recovery (DDay 10/13/05) and like Suzet, I also exposed myself to family and friends. My A lasted almost 3 years, and during that time I spoke badly of my dear H while in the fog. He did not deserve it and when the fog lifted, I felt I needed to make amends to both him and myself by telling those closest to me the truth... H did nothing wrong, I was very selfish, and I wanted to clear his name and apologize for not being the friend/family member I should have been during those A years.

I ended my A and didn't want anything to do with OM although I was still very foggy within the months following Dday. It would have been a huge LB if my H exposed, because the A was over by my doing. I think it would have been different if OM ended it and I was upset... then I think exposure might have been necessary.

OM's wife still does not know. I struggle with telling her, but my H says no. He wants me out of that "Jerry Springer" world and for us to move on. I'm respecting his wishes, but it's still a struggle sometimes.

Wow, your comments really resonated for me. I am currently involved in an A but am so very torn because both the OM and I believe we are in love with one another. OM and I share a child that my H believes is his. OM and I are married and agree that is best for the sake of our children, but the thought of giving this relationship up is devastating. I feel very lost and unsure of what to do.

And Mel:

I like your reference to alcoholism. Exposure is an excellent method for accountability. But the difference you cite is that YOU exposed yourself with regard to your problems with alcohol.

When you expose someone else, you're asking for resentment (initially). In dealing with affairs, the focus is to end the affair, and then rebuild the love (through recovery). If the affair is over---exposure of one spouse's affair by the other to family, friends, and coworkers doesn't make any deposits in the lovebank. That's the concern I have with this advice.

K, I do think its pretty clear what he means. There is nothing misinterpreted here, folks can clearly read his words.

Perhaps he has changed his stance, but he is talking about methods to prevent rekindling of an affair. An affair can't be rekindled unless it is OVER.

Perhaps someone could call him today on his show?

No, my H did most of the exposure. I added on afterwards because I saw the value of it as I was restored to sanity and no longer committed to path of secrecy. And of course, I resented his exposure at first, that is always the way when someone is still in denial. It is no different here. But resentment goes away as honesty sets in. However, that exposure helped me become honest because I was not able to keep my secret. And like I said earlier, it widened my support system, which was a great help to me.

It seems to me the kind of exposure advocated by Dr. Harley is part of the radical honesty doctrine that is, in turn, a key part of a good marriage. If everyone knows a spouse strayed, then there is nothing to hide...ever. He or she (as well as the marriage) can get on with their life and not have to be concerned about a taboo subject no one can speak of. There are no remaining secrets, no lingering dishonesty, and no deceit to be kept hidden. Affairs, and resentment, thrive in secrecy. If there is no secrecy, there’s little chance the marriage will be again plunged into the crisis an affair generates.

Suzet, you said you exposed to a selected group "mainly to establish a support network for myself and to help keeping myself accountable at the time." Can you see the more who know, the bigger the support group will be and the greater number of people who would be working with you, albeit perhaps only by silently observing, to hold you accountable? Is that not an advantage to be used to its fullest extent?

I know the difficulty. If everyone knows…they look at you “funny” when you walk in a room. They watch from the corner of their eyes to see what you do next. Every time you strike up a conversation with someone of the opposite sex, people wonder if you’re falling off the wagon again, right? Actually they don’t. It’s more a product of guilt than anything else. But assume for a moment they do happen. Is it not true these things are actually a product, a legitimate consequence, of the adultery and not the exposure? The adulterer did, after all, do something very damaging and very, very wrong and the confession needs to be made.

I have never been to an AA meeting, but we all know every person who stands up to speak in those meetings begins with a stark admission he or she is an alcoholic. I suspect it’s brutally humiliating at first. After all, the individual is admitting to a deeply rooted problem, psychological or physiological, that they haven’t handled well at all. They get by that first admission though, and then, one day at a time, they get through the admissions that follow. Eventually, the perceived disgrace goes away. In AA meetings, the rest of the group salutes the speaker, welcoming him or her into their midst, do they not?

Similarly, as people see a formerly errant spouse facing up to their offense forthrightly and giving their all to the marriage again, the stigma of having been revealed as a wayward spouse fades and eventually dies. The strayed becomes one of the family once more. I know the dread of what people will think is enormous, but it passes and we become whole again. The fear cannot be allowed to overcome the good that can come of being completely honest.

Finally, in a way, exposure is also a way to clean house. Once children, friends, and family know what happened, rumors and innuendos won’t keep popping up every few years because there’s nothing there to feed on. Everything is out in the open and it’s dealt with at the time and place the problem occurred. With everyone’s questions answered, it’s all over with and the debris from the affair can be swept away. There will be nothing left to return ten years down the line when little Suzy or Jimmy overhears a speculative conversation between mom and dad.

Just my two cents worth. Hope it contributes.

Mel,

I agree---I think it's exceptionally clear what he means. (And you're wrong.) The fact that you also see this letter as exceptionally clear (and I'm wrong) indicates that it's not clear at all. Or one of us is insane...

Because this is a very important point, and I'd like to hear the good Doctor clarify it. Whoever can get to it, please post...

Longhorn:


That's a good point, but radical honesty only extends between spouses in MarriageBuilder terms. While Harley encourages honesty with children as well, he does NOT encourage Radical Honesty with coworkers, casual friends, people off the street.

I tend to agree with you that the sooner the affair is dealt with (honestly) in the family, the better---but it ought to be a POJA agreement between spouses.

Mel:


So, in essence your husband exposed to confront a continuing problem with alcohol? Again, that would be consistant with the MB method that I stated with regard to an active problem in an affair/recovery (continued contact).

Gotta catch a plane...

Yes, I would like clarification too, however, he clearly states that the point of exposure is prevention of rekindling so it can't be said that I am the one who is wrong here. Something can't be "rekindled" if it is over. His words are clear and words do have meanings. Perhaps that is not what he MEANT, but that has to be clarified by him and can't be assumed.

No, I never said that. He exposed AFTER I quit drinking, as he was advised in Alanon. And, again, it was one of the best things that happened to me as it was critical to my recovery. Like Dr. Harley said in his email,

Understood---a preemptive exposure. And that may be exactly what Dr. Harley is suggesting now---but that would be different than my counseling. I've emailed him and Steve, although I don't know how current my email addresses are for them...