Where do I begin. My wife and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We've only been married for 9 months. I recently had a sinking sensation I was being lied to for the last 2 weeks and sure enough my worst fears were realized. I found out Friday morning she was having an affair with a (married)client of hers(she's in marketing). I found a letter from a chat program that clearly stated everything I never wanted to know. I was completely crushed. I could only stand to be at work for an hour and then had to go home because I was so disgusted. I was furious! I did my best to keep my calm and not confront her until she got home that evening. I had prepared myself all day for this. I simply looked at her and said "I know". She initially played it off like, "you know what?", to which I replied "about your buddy". Her face went totally blank and she broke into tears. We talked like adults for a while suprisingly enough not raising our voices. At that point I was too emotially drained. She said she has no idea why it happened but she is completely ashamed of it.

Just a quick background on us. Like I said, we've only been together for 4 1/2 years. In that time we have had a mis-carriage and also lost a daughter at only 18 days old. She was born premature at 27 weeks and quickly developed Chronic Lung Disease. My wife and I basically had to make th decision to let her go which the doctors would have made for us if we hadn't. Anyways, that was a very trying time for us. We were both crushed because we want kids very badly. We were both afraid that our relationship would be over because of our loss but we were able to pull together and became stronger than ever.

Now, I am asking for some help. I would very much like to try and rebuild our marriage but my wife is not so willing. She says she can't stand to stay with me knowing what happened and knowing how bad she hurt me. I truly believe we can fix whatever went wrong in our marriage that caused this to happen. How can I get my wife to understand that we can pull through this? Am I being naive to think we can even salvage anything at all? Please help. Like all of us here, I am desperate to save my marriage.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this and help.

Jeff

Hi Jeff:

I saw nobody had responded to you so I wanted to say hi! I read your story and it is very sad!

When a couple loses a child it can kill a relationship. I have seen it in 2 couples who lost babies. In both cases the wife ended up having an affair. Those people both got divorced so I have seen how hard that it is to lose a child.

You also have another problem. You have only been married for 9 months and she is betraying you?? It is hard to overcome this but some people are willing and able to do it.

You may want to post this in the General Questions II area since a lot more people post in that section. Good Luck and I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been there and I decided to divorce rather than continue my marriage. I think there are others that can give you better advise than I can.

If you hope to restore you need to expose the affair to everyone you can. Since this guy is married you should expose it to his wife. Then you have one person watching your wife and one watching the other man. She would have to end all contact with the OM(Other Man) and write him a no contact letter. Affairs thrive in secrecy and when exposed they can die a quick death in some cases.

Good luck to you and try posting in General Questions II.

Jeff,

My heart and prayers are extended to you and your wife. I’m not a big poster on these boards but I do a great deal of reading in order to better understand human relationships and in the process try to make my marriage with my wife stronger and happier.

I can only support IHadEnough’s recommendation to move your post over to General Questions II and recommend that you look up a thread by a chap named dazednconfusedks. His thread is titled “wife wants to leave me for the OM.”

While dazed situation is not influenced by the loss of two children I believe it would be a worthwhile read for you. In it you will find council on the MB principles from the best of the best starting from the point you are at now. You will also find repeated quotes from dazed ww nearly verbatim to your quote “She says she can't stand to stay with me knowing what happened and knowing how bad she hurt me.”

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Dazed and his wife found theirs just this last weekend and have begun the road to recovery. You can find that in another thread in GQII.

God bless!

Hang in there and don't give up. You are at the right place if you want to salvage your marriage. Keep reading and posting. Do you have an opportunity to go to individual counselling (IC) and/or marriage counselling (MC)?

Well, I decided to seek counseling for myself. My wife totally refuses to get help. This weekend, I went out of town to stay with family. I needed to get out. I didn't even tell my wife where I was going at all. She only called once to which I didn't answer. I did alot of thinking this weekend and hoped she had too but when I got home, nothing had changed. She just sat down with apartment listings and kept showing me different apartments she was looking at. We got in an argument because I bought her flowers and a card on my way home. She got mad because I still believe we can still work things out. Anytime I mention working things out or giving "us" another shot, she just flies off the handle. She is just so adament that we are finished. I told her we shouldn't give up so easy. She did say that she hasn't even spoken to the guy since I found out. She's been totally blowing him off. Whether or not that's true, it hard for me to believe. Also this weekend, I told my family what had happened and they all suggested that I tell her parents. I am still a bit leary about that since it doesn't really seem like my business to tell them. I told her last night that she needs to inform her family about what is going on and she said she would tell them when she is ready. I don't buy it. Should I tell them?

I am at a complete loss about everything right now. I feel that no matter what I say or do, we are finished. Should I give up?

Thanks again.

Jeff, you don't have to give up, however, you do need to be educated on the MB principles and gain the council of those that can help you. YOU have a great deal of work to do: (1) post your situation in Infidelity, General Questions II (do it now and by the end of the day you’ll have a roadmap outline provided) (2) read the threads of others in similar situations. This is just for starters to get you educated and headed in the right direction. If you choose to do nothing then the marriage will be over. Your WW is going to do nothing to resolve the conflict. It is completely up to you, my friend. And, you can not proceed forward without knowing where and how.

Jeff, I understand your desire to get away and not answer her calls. But that will hurt you in the long run. You need to be the kind of person she would WANT to return to. Don't get passive agressive on her.

Her flying off the handle is to be expected. She's in the fog. Don't expect her to behave rationally. Don't get too tied up in her words. YOU need to decide if you want to make your M work. Don't give up.

I'm going to make huge guesses here...tell me if I'm off-base.

I'm guessing the grief she is experiencing may be guiding her. She is filled with pain, and without the outlet (IC) to handle it, she is trying to avoid it and run from it. You are a reminder of that pain and sadness, and now...guilt. The OM is her escape, the apt is her escape. Does she usually avoid conflict, avoid pain, escape? If so, this is the way she is going to handle life...unless SHE wants to change...

This is a tough time, it's tough to know what to say or what to do. I would suggest be true to yourself, speak honestly, do what you can, express your love and care and hope, but don't give so much that you have no more love left. When you feel that love going away, and while you still have love left for her, you will need to stand back and protect yourself.

She seems like the kind of person who will keep running from herself...until she catches up. When will that be? Who knows, it is up to her...can anyone help? Yes, to a certain degree, but only if she is open to it...

Stillheremakingit, you hit the nail on the head. She has always been that kind of person. I have made a decision to move out of the house in hope that maybe she can start to heal for herself. I know my position and I've taken everyone's advice(even my counselor) and not much has helped. She is a closed door at this time. I know her very well, and am almost 100% positive she wants it to end with us. The only reason I say I'm giving up is because I feel I have been given no choice BUT to give up. She keeps telling that I am going to have to move on and forget about our marriage so I really have no other option at this point. maybe I will repost this in General Questions and see what happens. Thanks for the advice.

Jeff, I'm sorry to hear of that development. Is there a reason why you are not going to ask her to leave instead of you?

has this PA been exposed???

Time to notify the other man's wife. Your wife is behaving like they all do - ignore her coldness and words. Once the affair is exposed, it will probably end, and she will be much more likely to want to work on the marriage.

Jeff,

DON'T move out of YOUR home.

Expose her lying cheating [censored] to everyone and anyone who can influence her behaviour. Top of the list is her parents. And OM's W.

Don't ask her permission and don't tell her you are doing it.

She will be hit by a Tsunami of truth.

ALso read up on Plan A and Plan B.

Hi Jeff,

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I've been here for quit long and after I read your thread, I can say that your WS is reacting in a "typical" WS manner.

She's not thinking logically and she's in the FOG.

Even if it's difficult to understand what is going on in her mind DON'T take her comments "Personally"!

I've noticed that affairs tend to happen when the marriage is going through extreme stress situations.
This happened in my situation too. We were going through a very stressfull courtcase and we were building a new house and our teenage children didn't make it any better.

My xWS and I were both completely stressed out and our communication skills were down the drain.

My xWS and I were completely drained and stressed and overcharged!

I really understood what was going on when I read about:
The Chemistry of Love.

The body/brain produces hormones and androphines that let the ones involved feel happy.
Once this cycle begins, it's like an addiction and because the affairees feel so happy and so in love, they believe it is love!

Maybe someone can find the thread that explains this much better than I can or you can search the web.

I'd just like to say that once I was aware of this Chemical process, it helped me to understand what was going on in my xWS mind.

It explained his reactions, his behaviour and "why" this happened. It didn't justify his behaviour but it did help me to understand.

When the affair is discovered, it's devasting for both sides. This is when the WS go through withdrawel.

The WS and the OP were going through the chemical process that made them feel so good about themselves and they have their own little world. Then reality strikes!!!!

Reality is NOT meant to be and most WS react mad and demanding towards the BS.

This is what we call The fog. They are still in the middle of this chemical process and if the affair ends in the middle of this, they have to "let go" of these feelings that feel so good.

Hope this isn't too complicated............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

It might help if you think about what it was like when you first fell in love or if you know someone that has just fallen in love.
The first few months are fantastic!!! Everything is beautiful. Everything is just perfect about the other person. It's exciting, romantic.........simply perfect and you are meant to be for one another.

This does NOT last forever. It lasts only for a few months and then reality sets in again.
This is when the lovers begin to realize that the other person might NOT be so perfect.

I have a girlfriend that fell in love with a guy and they moved in together with each other. This guy was incredibly ugly and lazy. All of her friends (me included) couldn't understand what was going on in her mind. She had broken up with her long termed boyfriend for this guy.

She told everyone that he was the best thing in her life.
It took about 4 months and slowly but surely she started to complain about him.
She moved out after 8 months and the last time I talked to her, she told me that she doesn't know what she was thinking at that time!!! She told me that she must of been crazy!!!!

After I discovered my husbands affair, he wanted me to move out and he demanded that he needed "his" space.
I didn't move out, I planned A.

Slowly but surely his mind cleared up.

So, please don't give up. Not right now! Do whatever you can to feel good about yourself and give this time.

Read whatever you can here in Marriage Builders and educate "yourself". Don't educate your WS!!!

bb

Man, I really do appreciate all of the support here. My one problem is Plan A is somewhat already done. Like I said she did tell me she hasn't even talked to him in over a week. But, she still insists on us splitting up. Anytime I really say anything to her now she gets furious. We were paying bills last night and she had the worst attitude towards me. Is this part of the fog? Is there anyway I can atleast get her to treat with me with a little dignity? Sometimes it seems like I am just beating a dead horse. Do WS's usually not show any remorse after something like this happens? Because that's what I see.

Also, about telling her parents....should I really do this? Maybe I should because even my family tells me the same thing.

Thanks again.

Jeff,

you will not get her to do anything right now........... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> this is the FOG!!! yes.

Plan A is something that needs time, it doesn't sink in quickly. Give yourself a time limit for this. Read all you can about it, it WORKS!!!

WS usually DO NOT show remorse right away.......this takes time and once their foggy additude clears up they change their behaviour.

My xWS was terrible right after d-d. He was demanding and withdrawn towards me. I felt as if I had done something terrible. He made me feel worthless, ugly, unlovable.......

Have you read about the "Giver" and the "Taker"?
If not, I'll try to explain as good as possible. During and affair, the affairees are "takers". It's all about themself. It feels good, therefore they want it! They are taking, taking taking.............

Well and this additude usually is still on the go when the affair is discovered. The WS is still in the "Taker" mode.

Even if it's extremely difficult, it's good for the BS to be aware of this because the BS is going to be the "Giver" for a great period of time.............
I am not saying that the BS has to tolerate bad behaviour from the WS........but the BS has to be the strong one until the WS ticks out of his FOG.

I can only speak for my situation but I've seen it here plenty times.
When I found out about my husbands affair, I pulled back completely. No relationship talking except that I told my xWS what my boudaries were and what I would accept and NOT accept.

Then I Planned A my butt off. I didn't react needy nor was I klingy.
I took the best care of myself ever. I was soft, loving, smiling alot and I tried my best to fullfill my husbands most important Emotional needs that I was aware of.

I didn't pressure him nor was I always available for him. But I did snoop alot!!! I was aware that I couldn't trust him and I did catch him in lyes.

But I didn't give up and I'm happy about that.

There was no way that I could of gotten him to treat me differently so I did "my" best to treat him good. This must of had a great affect because slowly but surely his additude did change and he started to soften.

But it's important to take little steps and not to expect too much to happen in a very short period of time.

It might help you to think about wat it was like when you first met. How did you behave?? What made you attractive for her? What things did you do together? What did she enjoy the most about you??

Don't question her right now...........and don't make any life altering decisions either. You are both in shock!!

Yes, tell her family!!!!! This is important! You don't have to get into details and you don't have to "put her down" but it is very important not to keep this a secret!!!!

Your WS is going to "Blow Up" so be prepared!!!!! She'll probably rave and rant and threat you with whatever but this is also very typical!!!!

It's important that you stay calm!!!!!!!!
You might want to read the thread about "Reverse Babble".

D-d was just a few days ago for you............it'll take alot more time until you see the light again, so be prepared and if you feel like venting..........come here to Marriage Builders!

bb

Blondblossom: thank you. The part that I was worried about with telling her parents, was the fact that she will definitely blow up. I have been worried about that since we still live together etc. But I think everybody may be right that I need to let them know the situation. I definitly wouldn't put her down but I would let them know that I DO still love her and want to work things out with her. Her parents are very understanding and good people and I feel terrible about keeping them in the dark. I think I know what I need to do. It's just going to be a matter of me having the strength to do the "right" thing.

Thanks again.

Jeff,
Exposure is absolutely critical. If the OM is married then his spouse should be informed. Why in the world would you believe anything she says about the affair? You have been married only 9 months and apparently she did not have a problem lying, cheating and putting your health at risk for STD's. She tells you now that she has not talked to him since you found out. Excuse but why would you believe her about this? Immediately she wishes to move out and she is incredibly angry with you which tells me that she may still not be telling you the truth. Exposure is critical. No consequences to her actions (and OM) equals no motivation to change. It sounds like she may want you to move out or she move out so she can continue her affair more easily. Maybe yes or maybe no. I am just amazed why you are believing everything she tells you as truth when she has shown you that she is quite capable of lying and cheating to your face? Exposure is critical. I wish you luck.

I agree completely!! She is NOT trustworthy, so watch out!

She is still in the fog and it's much too early to trust anything she says right now. It's terrible but true, they will lie, lie, lie!!!!

I also agree that the WS want to either move out themselves or they want the BS to move out because they are NOT disconnected from the OP! They might be physically but surely NOT emotionally!
Jeff, remember what I wrote about the "chemistry of love" and what it does to them! It's highly addictive and this just doesn't stop within a few days.

The WS go through a grieving process and they go through their own pain. Even though it might seem unfair to us BS, the WS experiences great pain and grief separating from the OP. They feel as if something that "was meant to be" is going down the drain and they're afraid that these feelings will NEVER be a part of their life ever again.

They can't even imagine that their marriage can involve such feelings.
I think they react "furious" at times because the affair was NEVER meant to be discovered. It's frustration and guilt and shame altogether.

This "Reality shock" was never meant to be. In their mind there were 2 separate lives. One with their lover and one in the other "reality" world. They don't belong together and in their mind they don't fit together either.
It freaks them out to experience the two worlds clashing together.
This is why it's important to expose the affair!

Jeff, don't be afraid of her reaction!!! She'll cool down, sooner or later. Just make sure to stay calm and if you can't take it..............leave her to herself! Don't let yourself get involved in what she might say to you! She is NOT thinking clearly and it might even help to think that she is "insane" right now!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

My husband can't believe that he said the things he told me. He can't even remember most of the things. Well, if that's NOT insane.............<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />.

take care of yourself!!!

bb

Jeff,

I have followed along here for a few days. First let me offer my sympathy to you and your WW for tragic loss you have suffered.

She is still having an A. Either you or she will have to move inorder for this fantasy to continue uninteruppted.

DO NOT MOVE OUT.

That would be enabling her A. You need to make this as difficult as possible for her to continue.

Protect your money. Open your own account and move it, before you lose it.

Expose the A. Why not? Does she seem to want to talk with you about the M now? Exposing to OMW will probably shut him down from your W, not to mention your W might just get to see a side of this guy she didn't know existed. She won't like it at all.

I know you don't want to hear this but...

After 9 months of M. or 4.5 years together. You maybe in for a ruff M... She should not be doing this during the so called "Honeymoon period".

It maybe in your best interest to cut and run now. Before there are kids involved.

How old are you two?