authentic1,

Thinking of you. How are you doing today?

Lady

intention - I preface this with the statement that I am not a follower of Jesus, but I am an adherant of the Golden Rule.

I postulate that one's forgiveness "test" is and ought to be highly individual. We have to determine individually when forgiveness is warranted. The parable you note is certainly appropriate, IMHO, and I believe reflects the Golden Rule.

My forgiveness test could be very similar to yours - sincere admission of wrongdoing, a humble request for forgiveness, with promise to avoid similar infractions in the future. Parenting 101? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Of course it's not always that cut and dried.

Your dilemma may simply be the question, "can I recind the forgiveness?"

I guess you can - you gave it in the first place. Maybe it was premature? Only you can decide this, IMHO. But does doing so change or improve anything? You forgave her. Perhaps you start over with a new "infraction"? I honestly do not know what your faith nor your personal ethics would proscribe.

On a practical note, your emotions sound normal. Anger and second guessing. Based on what I've learned here (not having experienced recovery or even an admission of wrongdoing from my XW) these emotions are typical of BSs in your sitch. It could be your wife is also typical of WSs in withdrawal.

WAT

Thanks for asking, Lady. I'm pretty good today.

I typed out a long reply, then hit the wrong button and it disappeared. Hope this isn't a double post - still figuring out the mechanics of the site.

I've been following the other thread related to this one. Sorry it turned into a flame session. To clarify, I was specifically looking for a Christian perspective - not out of bigotry or prejudice but because I am trying very hard to live my core values. I value everyone's advice and life experience, but I find that I am being bombarded with advice to divorce which is in opposition to the teaching of my church about the permanence of marriage. (Divorce is not forbidden in the case of infidelity, but restoration is strongly encouraged.) So I came here seeking some support to work in a badly damaged marriage.

I was under the mistaken impression that Marriage Builders was a Christian site. If religious references are not politically correct here, I can post more "neutral" topics.

Thanks for sharing your opinions and support.

I know authentic, there are many christain believers here with the christian perspective, and many of the MB principle's here are biblically based. I new that would be important to you.

Well you have come to the right place. I only pray that your marriage can and will be restored. Many others here are better with leading of the plans...so I hope they will come and advise and support you too.


MB was founded on many christain principles, so you can post what you want in accordance to your faith as well.

Lady

Thanks for the clarification. As a newbie, I will probably be more cautious in future posts until I get a better feel for the viewpoint of the MB community.

Okay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dear Authentic1,

Speaking of marriage ministy, Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce
have a wonderful radio show on each day, if you would like to tune in.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

You can call in if you have any questions.

Lady

authentic1,

I hope you weren't ran off by the questionable misunderstandings **********edit*******. ***************edit********That has never happened to me here at MB before now, and I've been here two times at very hurtful times in my marriage. I would've cringed to come to the MB discussion board to find what you found, after an innocent statement as I made to you.

I don't have much knowledge here of the plan A & B, exposure, etc...because I didn't live it, because my H had a ONS, and has always been home. I was hoping others here would come and help you sort through, and make a plan if thats what you would like. But it looks like everyone else was ran off too. How sad.

How are you doing?

Lady

authentic....

I hope you are still with us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.... This is a good place for you. There are a lot of people that come here with broken hearts or their marriages in shambles. You will find many here that deal with similar situations as yours, and those who have been where you are and can offer valuable insights.

You may want to fill out the questionare on his needs her needs with your H. I can see how 1 year appart would create a wedge between you and your H, especially with all the new info you found.

You may have been asked this, but does your H know that YOU know of the last EA (PA?) he is involved in?

I have been posting here for a while, and EXPOSURE is what is called for when you discover an A.

I would suggest reading all the material on this sight.

Best,
Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi -

Yes, I'm still here, but a little wary of posting right now.

To answer White Daisy, I'm a pretty good investigator and I think I have more than enough evidence to support my demand for change. The problem I am having with the whole forgiveness/restore the relationship idea is that my WH has agreed to several things basically because I forced him to. He is going to 12 step meetings, going to church with me and the boys, claims to have stopped all on-line dating sites, porn, etc - BUT -- none of that was done on his own initative. It's been over a year since D-day #1 and he is still not actively working on recovery. He passively goes to 12 step meetings, doesn't seem to connect with other men, doesn't seem interested in WORKING to understand himself, his behavior, me or the kids. He went a psychologist for a year, and got a little out of it, but he also lied to the counselor, so he wasted many of the sessions. He's been with me to see my psychologist and he lied to her as well. It's maddening. When he comes home, he tends to fall asleep on the couch. He is hard to talk to and we are all walking on eggshells.

We did something similar to His Needs/her Needs. A few months ago we both read The Five Love Languages (wonderful book!), and I thought we were making some progress. But he was actively involved in fantasy emotional affairs on the internet and exchanging photos with women - all the while telling me how helpful the book was and how it would help our marriage.

I have invested so much time in research, reading, marriage Bible studies, counseling, praying for him. Sometimes I think I'm just a co-dependent doormat. Other times I see glimmers of hope for improving the marriage.

You're in a tough spot for sure. This is going to test you. Remember Romans 5:3-5 ...we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us.

You are currently at the suffering part, but if you choose to endure, the rest will follow. God's hope will not disappoint you!

Stick around and read and post.

Hi authentic,

Did you tell your H before he came home this last time that if he did the porn, online dating thing again, that he would have to leave?

I am really surprised his year away didn't teach him a thing. Do you think he continued the porn, online dating etc...when he was away for the entire year?

I'm just wondering if it was a relapse (short term), or long term in that he hasn't stopped for a long time?

If he had been continuing before he left and continued the year he was away, he may be in big time withdrawl right now, that's why you are all walking on eggs shells...it's a hard period of time. Withdrawl is always difficult through and after stopping an addiction. This may explain his uninterested attitude. He may be depressed, withdrawl can cause that too, which might explain why he drops on the couch after he comes home. Even in withdrawl there are lies. I caught my H in a few of those too during withdrawl.

I would say emotionally detaching from him right now is the best thing.

I would say give it a few more weeks to see if he comes out of the withdrawl fog some. See if he begins to take a more serious look at recovery. It's only been a month since last d-day.

If you can stick it out for a little while longer to see where he goes with all of this. This might be a phase.
But discuss to him your need for 100% honesty. And if he can't give you that and fidelity in your marriage right now...consider a consequence. Thats not much to ask for at the present time from him. Fidelity, and honesy one day at a time....Little steps.


I see you have. You've done your best authentic, now it's time for him to do his.

What do your sons think of all of this, and how has it effected them?

Lady