Slammed,

Thanks , I hope DS see's it the same way once WH gets done ranting and raving about it to him..... I just have no clue what he may say to DS.

Yes DD knows she has to get a job and soon. I will not and cannot support her forever. She needs to be responsible for herself very soon.

As far as the fallout goes I am sure it will come. I know WH well enough to know he will take this as manipulation on my part. Heck he thinks I am asking fr alimony to manipulate him into coming home..... He just don't get....


Hurting

Hi Hurting-
I understand what you mean, although, the WH seem to be able
to twist anything to mean whatever they want it to mean,
right along with re-writing history, "selective" memories,
forgetting things they said or did ,etc....

I'm envious of your strength and independence today.
After feeling pretty good most of the week, I'm feeling
down and discouraged today. Will update on my post-
Slammed

Slammed,

I know the feeling down part very well.

I have been there myself for the last few days. I believe its worry over what may happen once WH gets this information from his attorney. I feel like I may have put the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. But as I stated earlier DS is my main focus now and he has to be.

I don't want my marriage over but WH is steamrolling that way and nothing is stoping him. Running over everyone and everything that was once dear to him.

My strength for now is because I have to do the right thing by my son and that means protecting him from WH'S bad choices. Independance is coming form the place of I have no one but myself to count on to be here and help.

Taking it one day at a time for now. I can't worry about tomorrow or next week. I have to take care of today and make it the best I can. Somedays its so hard and others its easy.

My DIL called me with some really exciting news her parents who divorced 18 years ago are trying to rebuild their life together. Can you imagine after 18 years going back to your first love? So in that I find hope that it can happen, I don't want to wait 18 years but it still gives me hope. Things can work out if its meant to be......


Hurting

Thanks, Hurting.
I know you truly do understand and have been on the same
horrible roller-coaster ride too.

Besides feeling down with the overall situation, part of
my being down today is feeling down with myself. I was
thinking earlier about the days before I met H and got
married, and remembering that I had my own house which I
bought, decorated, furnished and kept nicely, had a paid-
off car, had no big bills, money to travel, and while I
spent a lot of time alone, also did things for fun with
friends-
Now, I feel like such a wimp and hate being "up or down"
based on WH's mood and actions of the day. After actions
of the past couple weeks and a conversation today, I'm
just totally confused about what's going on, whether I am
reading the situation correctly, and definitely about
what to do.
Sounds like WH is still planning to move to the new house
next week, which will be hard on me after his being back
home and us working on things for a brief time, but maybe
overall it will be less stressful.
I realize I can only control myself and what I do, but it's
so frustrating when you'd just like to "shake" him until
he has some sense !!!!

I'm dreading the weekend. Don't know what WH is planning to
do or if he'll be around. If out at night, I'm always so
anxious about him possibly drinking or getting stopped now
that his license is suspended. I work in the morning, have
a haircut later tomorrow, and have plenty of housework,
laundry, some errands, and things to do, and hope I can
get with a friend or do something for fun as well.
Slammed

Slammed.

I know what you mean. even after all this time I hate the wekends. I guess maybe because I know WH is in town and at OW'S. At least during the week I don't think about it.

You know I find it funny that I am beginning to hate my days off work. I am off tonight and both kids are gone doing their own thing. At least when I am at work I am interacting with other people and my problems just vanish. Money is a little tight this weekend so staying home is my only option. I have things I can do but just don't feel like it.

Hope your weekend goes smooth.


Hurting

I just now read your mediation story.

I can't help but think that you had impact on him..not only what you said but also your looks. You said yourself that he began to warm up..

I get the feeling that he thinks that "it's too late"..that he has himself dug in too deep...

Is there any way to let him know that there is a way out...that it's not TOO LATE...

Maybe your MIL can help with this...

Mimi.

I have the same feeling you do .... I just don't know how to go about it

I need h im to know its not to late....... I just don't know how

Maybe my MIL can talk to him but I don't know if he would listen to her either ....

I know he won't talk to me, and even if he oes he gets nasty and says its over.... But I don't think he means it deep down inside ... He is afraid is what I believe ....

Do you think your MIL could just begin talking to him about this without being pushy?

I'm thinking suggesting that she start off by just asking him questions like: What makes you think that it's TOO LATE for you and "Hurting"?

Once she feels him out some maybe you could then write him a letter...PLAN B LETTER, PART II...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

Yes I think she could do that..... In fact I know she would be more than happyto do it....

if you could do me a favor and maybe write out some questions for her she would ask them .... I would print it out for her...

she wants us back together so bad she will do whatever I ask

a planb letter 2? I dont know if he would read anymore letters from me .....

I think just start off with that one question.

Then she should sit back and listen carefully to what he says...

Ok I can do that ......

I will talk to her tomorrow and get this done .......

can ya tell me what you mean about a second letter? What would be the difference?

The letter might be in response to what you have learned from your MIL about EXACTLY why he is thinking that it is TOO LATE.

You would try to help him understand that it is not TOO LATE...

Ok then once she talks to him, I will let you know and maybe you can help me write it.....

I am not good with these things .....

Mimi,

Not that this means much but I do want ot share somethig with you that WH said this past w eekend to DS.

Now DS did not tell me this he told my MIL. I have no idea how the conversation came up or why it was said or the context around it... But he said to DS, " I still love you mom, but not like it used to be."

It probably means nothing but thought I would share it....


Hurting

You're cutting it close to the wire with the D...

So I've been thinking that he might need a ROAD MAP back home...

I'm willing to bet that he can't get that VISION OF YOU from the mediation out of his mind...

Of course..he still "loves you"...

Of course..not like he "used to"..

You don't love him like you "used to"...

That's what I was saying about these MLC men trying to recapture the FEELINGS from their YOUNG DAYS of COURTING...the OW has REKINDLED those type of feelings...

HE HAS TO BELIEVE THAT HE CAN HAVE A FUTURE WITH YOU...this just hit me..I think that's what he is saying and thinking...WHAT WOULD THE FUTURE FOR US BE LIKE AFTER THIS?

In thinking about your letter to him, you would mention sharing good times with your grandchildren..making NEW MEMORIES with each other to ADD to your OLD MEMORIES...

Why did Dr. Harley think that the D would happen?

Mimi,
Dr. Harley didn't say why he thought it would happen. He said if it happens he wanted me to keep the two year window open.

He did say if/whne WH comes back we need a plan in place for the 15 hours and for WH to be home at night. I dont really know if thats an option at this time because he loves his job and we have to remember we have done this for years and were happy. We had a good marriage.... we spoke everyday one the phone and I went with him as much as I could.....

So Dr. Harley said if it happens its because it can happen so quick here due to our laws and that was his only reasoning behind it....

So in a way your saying I need to let him remember the good times and let him know we can add new memories to the old ones..... Am I understanding this right ?

Hurting

Also, get this, Hurting...

I think he needs to know the mechanics of how to make it back home...and how you two could possibly work it out...

WH:

I know you don't feel like you love me now..BUT..meet the conditions of the PBL and we can build on our past and develop a plan for our future, etc....spend time with our children and grandchildren...etc.

oklahoma....

maybe your MIL could give your H a copy of "SAA" with your letter?