Mimi,

I see what your saying. I will talk to my MIL today in fact I will show her these posts.

Eav,

Its funny you mention that because I now have two copies of that book. The one I bought and the one Dr. Harley sent me after talking on his radio show. I'm not sure he would read it though he is not much of a book reader. I will have to think on this one. Thanks for the idea.


Hurting

Because of that PRIDE thing with Middle-aged men, I think it's important for your MIL to make sure to keep her questions open-ended, sort of like the TV detective Columbo, and for him not to feel pressured...

"WH, I WONDER why you THINK it's too late?"

Then, let him talk...

She saying UH..HUH..UH..HUH...

Ok Mimi I will show her this and I am sure she will do this.

I don't know when she can talk to him hopefully soon. Today is a birthday party for her so I know it would not be today.

In fact I think he may have been invited to the party my SIL was thinking about it but she did say if she invited him he would be told OW was not invited as she is not welcome to any family functions. So I doubt he would show up anyway. My MIL would freak out if the OW showed up.

So as soon as MIL talks to him I will let you know what he says....



Hurting

Hurting-
Thanks for the encouragement. I know we have to take it
"one day at a time", and not let an up or down "make it
or break it", but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes.

I was feeling very confused, trying to figure things out,
trying to make sense of recent events, and even began to
question whether the A was still behind things for the past
couple of days. Then, had a seemingly "sincere" talk with
WH yesterday which added more confusion and questioning to
my thinking.
Last night,however, saw WH outside on his phone, and am
sure he was trying to call OW. This morning, she called
our house at 745am and left a message for him... so obviously it's not "over", and I'm sure the continued
is exactly the reason for his "change of tune" and phony
heartfelt "speel" yesterday. I'd assume she's either given
him an "ultimatum" that she won't see him until he's out of
our house, or they had another temporary "break up" and now
the talking is them trying to get back together.


Not happy about the continued contact, of course, but at
least I feel better about understanding what's going on and
not thinking I'm not nuts !

Hope your weekend is okay too. I dreaded them when WH first
moved out, as the time was so long and dragging, and I'd
feel miserable, bored and lonely. Eventually, got used to
it and didn't feel too bad, as I'd run errands, do laundry
and housework, and try to plan things with friends or my
parents. Now, after WH being back home and us doing things,
it's like going back to the beginning again and the stress
of adjusting again...
Will update with more details on my post-
Slammed

Just thinking about you and hoping you are having a good weekend.

jean,

Thanks for checking in on me. I am having a good weekend. WH just came by and picked up DS and a few of his things. I went outside to say bye to DS and WH and I then had a c onversation. It went pretty good actually. I will post more about it later.

Hurting

What? You were not given permission to break PLAN B!!

Kind of JUST KIDDING....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

mimi,

I know I was not given permission but ya know what I decided on my own to ask WH the question myself. I wanted to hear the answer with my own ears.

Actually WH started the conversation himself and so I decided to ask him. I handled myself very well I think and I do believe he is doing some thinking just by some of the things he said. Yup he is still in the fog but a few times I saw H struggling to come out.

He said to me BS I think we need to talk about this alimony thing and me payingfor you to go to school. I told him in a very calm voice that I will not discuss this with him as this was not the time or place. He said yo know I don't want to pay alimony I said I know this but I will not discuss anything that has to do wih divorce. So he d ropped it with I guess then its up to a judge.

So then I asked him the question, WH I want to ask you something, he said what is it? I said well before i ask you I just wnat you to know that this is not asking anything from you just a question. I want to know just why you think we can not work this out. His answer was " I just think deep down inside it won't work." Isaid so is this your answer, he said yes. Isaid well I don't think its much of an answer but if thats all you have then so be it.

He said I know you still love me I saw it friday in mediation just the way you looked at me. I said I won't deny it but I am doing just fine and I can't make your descions for you and I would not even try. He then asked me do I thoink it could work. I said yes I do because I know what I have learned through counseling and growing the last several months. I said it w ouold take both of us committed but I know deep down inside it could work.

He then said to me you know I have not gained any weight. I said were in the w orld did that come from. He said that what you said to me at mediation. I said oh yeah I did. He says I think it was just the shirt i had on, I said oh could have been. He says to me I saw you pretending to look out the window during mediation but I know you were looking at me, I said well then you know what you had to be looking at me to know what I was doing. He said I saw you out of the corner of my eye. I laughed and yeah whatever you say.

He then asked to use the bathroom and I said ok go ahead. He c ame in and i went and closed my bedroom door. he c ame out and went in the kitchen and talked to DD in fact he jumped DD for all of her antics of recent times. he told her she owes me money and he was tired of her w alking on me that she knows were the door is if she can't straighten up. He then was looking out the back window to the backyard and said you know what if I could plant a money tree in my backyard I would but there is no such thing...

Anyhow he went outside again and then said is there anything left in our bedroom that is mine. I told himno there isn't. He said can I look, I thought about it and said sure go ahead. So we went in the room and he looked and as i was standing in front of my jewlery box he stopped in front of me and said do you want a hug. I said sure, he hugged me for a long time and would not let go I finally pulled away. I had a few tears running down my cheeks and he wiped them away and said please don't cry. I turned away and was getting his watch and a few things for him when he hugged me from behind and said ... BS I never meant to hurt you , I am so sorry..... I never meant to hurt you. I said I do believe you didn't mean to but you did, you have no clue how much.... He said you know I have said to myself many times maybe I should have tried harder to save my marriage. I said you still could.

As i turned he hugged me again and said I am so sorry. He said I still like you and I always will. I said like me is that all? He said well and i said WH I see more than that when you look at me but if thats what you feel right now thats ok because I know at this time you don't feel for me what you once did, but one thing I know for sure you fell in love with me once and I know you could again if we just tried. He just smiled at me and said I know babe..... As we kept talking he kept calling me babe and I asked him are you sure this is what you want and he said I think it may be for the best then we can both move on with our life.

I said I am moving ahead in life I am not just sitting here waiting for you. But I did say if your not sure put this divorce on hold until you are sure. He said well we have to wait for a judge anyway its not like its going fast anyhow. I said your right its not.

He sad BS I don't want to give you hope in case it does not happen. I just looked at him and said WH I never have given up hope and don't plan to now but my life is moving ahead and I am not waiting forever.

We then talked about the grandkids and i said you know while they were here I kept thinking how we should be together enjoying them and watching them grow. I said we are missing out on so much living like this.

With this he hugged me again and I knew he wanted more from me and then he said It w ould not be right. I said your right it wouldn't be but remember one thing I am still your wife right now. So with that he kissed me and we left the room.

We talked about DS and his school problems. I had decided to leave WH out of it all but then decided I needed him to step up to the plate and be involved in DS school problems. So not long after that he left with DS.

I did tell him when our income tax comes in I would call him and make arragements to meet him at the bank ot cash it. He said ok.

So now I know I maybe went to far with this interaction today. But it felt right and I told him how I felt because he asked, I didn't push, beg or plead I just said it how it was. I handled everything with diganty and grace. Maybe I have shot myself in the foot who knows. But I now have the answer to my question and the answer was not facts just a feeling he has.

So 2x4 me or whatever ya need to do..... But oone thing for sure he now knows the door is not closed but its inching that way......


Hurting

Hurting, no 2x4's here, although I imagine a few others might. This is a conversation like I'd want to have with my CH. Sometimes, it's best just to have things, even lies comes from the horse's mouth. Plan B is good defense but it's not good for getting information.

My sense is that someday, your CH will wakeup from this long, horrible dream he is in and realize what a gem he has lost. I think you are right about the door inching closed.

You have your answers. You can go in peace.

(((((((((((hurting)))))))))))))

OMG Healing !!!! This sounds good to me... I think you did terrific. I don't blame you for one second of taking advantage of the opportunity to talk with him.

Oh My Gosh - this is great !! I think the fog lifted alot today. I am sure he is thinking this over right now...

Yippeee !!!! I think progress has been made...

I am so happy about this - carnation

P.S. Where and when is MB radio on ? I am in DFW.

Had I known before, I surely would have listened to you.

Dear God, please send some rain to my part of Texas. We still have had no rain here.

Carnation - doing another rain dance, obviously poorly

GG,

Your right I do have answers , maybe not any that make a lot of sense but I got some.

I know somewhere deep down inside he wants to try but just can't bring himself to do it. Thats is his choice and I can't change it nor will I try.

Do I still love him, yup very much so. Will I sit and here and wait forever, nope can't do it. I have to live my life and be happy. The ball is all in his court he knows what he has to do if this is to work out. If he can't do it then its his loss..... I do believe someday he will wake up and see what he has lost.

I am holding the door open for as long as I can but its getting closer to be closed everyday. I just hope he realizes this......

Thanks for the support. I have to say though I feel good after this talk tday. I don't fell hurt or let down , I guess I have become imnune in a way to his babble and just take it for what it is at the time.


Hurting

Carnation,

I don't know about any fog lifting going on but at times I could see the real H and he was wrestling with himself. You could almost see the internal struggle....

I saw the smile the beautiful eyes glistening with life, far from the man I saw the day he sttod in my front yard and said he would never love me again.

I do know he has been thinking since mediation just by things he said. Bringing up the comment i made about his weight, the way he says I looked at him..... So many little things.... So who knows, I think he is struggling with himself as what to do... He is still trying to make himself believe this is right but I do believe he is questioning himself as well.

I don't expect anythiong from today to make any difference in what is happening. Because once he goes home to OW all s forgotten and the fog takes over again.

So I had no exspectaions at all just a chance to ask the one question was all I needed. More came out that I had expected which was ok. Sure not getting my hopes up for anything because he is still a long ways away from making any kind of move IMHO.......

Hurting

Sounds good to me Hurting!

I do have to admit, the part where WH said "You know I don't want to pay alimony", that part made me LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You sound like you did very well, I probably would not have been able to keep a straight face after her said that.

hurting,

No LB from me. You know I've been asking when will u/b ready to step out of plan B?

IMHO, you just threw a big punch in that fog. He gets to take back with him that warm and fuzzy feeling his WIFE gives him vs that cold slimy stinky OW. LOL!!!

LB's from afar..... aaaahhhhh..... good one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

IMHO, you did well. Felt right, eh? Didn't get all the answers the way you wanted but you did see your H for a few moments. Good.....there c/b more of those moments.....just don't put your life on hold for it and don't hold your breathe.

The demise of the A is a comin'. I feels it in me bones. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid,

Thanks for your support. It did it felt very right to talk to him and feel him out so to speak.

it felt so good to have him hold me in his arms today, I have missed that so much.....

Anyhow he will have DS all of this week since its spring break and DS will be on the road with him until friday. So i will be calling his cell to check on DS. I won't do it on a daily basis maybe just Wed and Fri.....

Oh I did say to him before he left, please take good care of my baby this week, he looked at me and said don't worry I will take very good care of Our baby......

LB'S from afar ..... I think some may happen soon......


I hope your bone feeling is correct and the A is falling apart.......


Hurting

I've been trying to keep you from making one of my biggest mistakes.

Mortarman warned me about this and he was correct.

When I allowed my WH to have his FIXES with me, I felt better but it ACTUALLY ENABLED THE AFFAIR...

The WS has to continue to SUFFER before ending it...

No 2 by 4s from me...that wouldn't be helpful to you..

I understand what you did..not sure how helpful it will be in terms of bringing an end to his A...

IMO, it may have SLOWED down the affair's end..cause he probably was missing you after the mediation..now he is relieved of that sad feeling of missing you...

Understand what I am saying?

Hurting-
I think you did great ! WH definitely seems to be thinking
and sounds like some of the fog is lifting because of it.
I think seeing you, the way you handled the mediation, the
way you've been handling everything with strength, dignity
and courage are all making him realize what he is missing
out on and could be losing.
Sounds like a great example of showing him there is a "path"
home and a way to get on it, now he just needs to keep on
thinking about it, let go of some of his stubborness and
get on the right road....

Had to laugh about him telling you "he hadn't gained weight"
- that is just too funny. He saw you looking so good, and
must know that he doesn't look so great these days....
Yep, the influence of the OW has a way of doing that to ya !!
Keep the faith~
Slammed

I do understand Mimi. But its not like I am going to seek him out because I'm not.

I am not going to try and talk to him all the time or see him...... The ball is in his court not mine.

The one sure thing I saw today is he is still unsure and waffeling in his own mind about this......

You know I don't have the time or energy to seek him out. I have said all I am going to say about our R. if I have to see him or speak it will only be about finances or DS. Like Steve told me when you see him planA him.

So maybe he got his fix, but then again maybe he got a glimpse and a feel of what he can have again...... Because we all know OW can not give him what he truly longs for....


Hurting

Of course, you should certainly do what Steve told you to do. You know how I am about that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Again, I understand what you did..

I really hope and pray that it was helpful...that he will be thinking of you tonight...