|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Carnation,
Actually I feel pretty darn good. I think i held my ground very well. Of ccurse after I get home I think of things I should have said or done.
As far as him coming out of the fog who knows. Him saying something about him and OW not working out just may have been something to appease me. Bu it didn't work I don't really believe a word out of his mouth right now.... As they say actions speak louder than words. So all I can do is watch and see what happens next.
As for me I am back to dark and not iteracting with him..... Living my life like he is never coming back....
Let him and the bimbo live in their self imposed fantasy world.
Well gotta run for a bit take care all.....
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173 |
make sure you buy yourself something fun!
Don't you dare spend it all on bills and kids!
Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
WOF,
Not to worry I have some clothes already in lay-away that I am getting ......
I feel so good right now, that I stood up for myself to him.... FINALLY!!!!!!!!
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
I feel so good right now, that I stood up for myself to him.... I'm not sure I understand why you FEEL GOOD... How do you FEEL about your interaction today from a MB's POV? I've been thinking about this.... There's some GOOD stuff and some BAD.... Is there some info. that we don't have about some CONVERSATION on a Sunday?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Mimi,
Nope I gave all the info from sunday..... I mean I feel good because I didn't give in to him about the money....
If that had been just a few months ago I would have given in to him just to keep him from being mad at me. He knows how to work me and make me give in. A few months ago just hte threat of not speaking to me or seeing me would have made me cave in to him and he knows it.
it made me feel good because I didn't allow him to use his anger or my fear of loosing him to get what he wanted. I stood for what was right and just and fair to me and my kids......
Mimi I was not a weaklin around him I stood my ground. he knows I love him but he now knows I will not tolerate any more disrespect from him and to treat me as a woman who deserves respect.
So if I am wrong about feeling good about this something is not right somewhere.... I thought the MB principals were to work on me and make me stronger and earn respect for myself by not allowing someone to cross my boundries.
Hurting
Last edited by hurtinginokla; 03/20/06 09:48 PM.
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
Ok. I see your point now about FEELING GOOD...
I'm still thinking..
I'll probably get back to you tomorrow.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Ok Mimi,
I am glad you understand what I was meaning then.....
Was nothing bad at all just felt good to stand up for myself and be strong .....
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
I am sure it was hard but worth standing your ground. Just a suggestion....next time? Talk to him with witnesses around. I wouldn't have left the bank....would have told him that he could speak in the bank where you felt safe and that you didn't feel safe away from others. Notice how he yells at you then apologizes? That's good news. the WS is losing it and then he says he may not stay with the OW? More waffling. This is better than pancakes. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Give your kids lots of hugs and let them know their dad is even rewriting their current interactions with them....who knows what else he is capable of. That is why they must be cautious with him because he will twist what they say and do. So if they love him, then it is vital they learn to plan B the Ws and plan A their dad. Just like you must. That's what true love would do. It w/b hard because the WS who does NOT love the children will whine like a baby with a diaper full of poop. OW is poop..... LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> take care, L.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
orchid,
It was definatley hard to stand up to him because I look at him and see the man i love but I know its not him so I wrestle with myself to say and do the right things.
I think I did a real good job in saying what needed to be said and definatley not falling for his charm or anger in getting that money.
His apologizing could just be a suck up move to placate me into keeping my mouth shut , who knows.
But I am fine and feel very good about today. I think I earned some respect as well......
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 2,197 |
I am glad you see how much you have grown Hurting!
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Thanks Jean, I guess I didn't realize it myself until today.
I dont feel upset about seeing him , I just feel sorry for him really he is so lost an walking down the narrow path of self destruction and there is nothing I can do to save him. I love him but yet I feel pity for him ...... This is not th man I married and gave my life to 24 yrs ago, he is just a shell of that man now....
May God give him the peace and direction he needs in life, In Jesus name I pray..... Amen
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
So here again justifying his affair was his biggest concern. I'm not so sure about this... He seemed to be saying A LOT...it seems like he has been doing SOME thinking about your marital relationship prior to the A... You said: he then started again about how he is moving on with his life and how he wants nothing from me ever again. I said thats funny Patrick you sure wanted something a couple sundays ago. What were you referring to? Was he wanting SF on Sunday? Later...Got to go...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Mimi,
Yes he was wanting that..... But I didn't allow it I told him I need more than that from him.... I'm sorry I thought I put that in my recap of sunday ......
maybe i better go back and re-read what I put ..... I w ent back and read the post again , I mentioned in a round about way thats what he wanted.....
Hurting
Last edited by hurtinginokla; 03/21/06 11:22 AM.
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Mimi, As I was picking DS up from school I was thinking about what you said... He seemed to be saying A LOT...it seems like he has been doing SOME thinking about your marital relationship prior to the A... Yes he seemed to be thinking about it but it was all of the negative things he was talking about. My depression since my dads death and all of the ther things he feels or percieves were wrong, not one good thing came from him.... So he is still looking at all the bad things to still jutify his affair. Unless you see something here I don't..... Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 782 |
Hurting- Sounds like you handled the conversation as well as could be, and standing firm about splitting the money was great. I also think you did a good job on challenging/calling him on his comments~ they are all so good at twisting things around,taking things out of context, and "selective" memory! Does sound like he is continuing to think about things, and that there must be some "cracks" with OW, since that has been brought up before ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hold your fort ! Slammed
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
I'm sharing what I learned from my experience with my FWH and from my counseling with Steve..can't say it will be true for your WH...I'm so SENSITIVE now after being called CRUEL on Eav's thread..I'll get over that.... I think it's STANDARD for the WS to continue to talk NEGATIVE about his former relationship when THINKING about reconciling.. My FWH remained in the FOG for at least 6 months during OUR RECOVERY...still BLAMING ME and JUSTIFYING his A....that's the way he dealt with the awfulness and inner pain about what he had done...I kept telling him.."I have FAITH that YOU WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT ME AND LOVE ME AGAIN"..and the rest is history.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> THE GOAL IS for your H to BELIEVE THAT HE CAN HAVE A FUTURE with you..that's the BOTTOM LINE..he needs to be convinced that you HAVE CHANGED and/or WILL CHANGE..HIS CHANGING can come later AFTER HE IS COMPLETELY OUT OF THE FOG.... I sense that he is NOT COMFORTABLE in his A..and is CONSIDERING the idea of reconciliation..but this whole process is far from ROSY..He will not come home, if he does, professing his LOVE FOR YOU..or saying what a BIG MISTAKE HE MADE..that will come later...much later...THE KEY IS FOR HIM TO MAKE THE DECISION TO BE WITH YOU TO BEGIN TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE..He want to BELIEVE that you are WORKING with him... I got the impression that your WH is doing such questioning...He is not going off on his MERRY WAY with her, trying to start a new life... Hurting, I'm proud of you. You did the best you could have done with a very difficult situation yesterday. Easy for me to say, sitting here at my desk. That's the value of this forum..to have someone objective who can sit back and look at the situation..someone like me who has LIVED THIS... I had may share of EMOTIONALLY-CHARGED and HEATED INTERACTIONS with a WH..a lot of stuff that I certainly not at all proud of and wish that I could forget.... I'm thinking that you should write him a note to let him know that YOU HEARD what he was asking yesterday and that YOU HAVE CHANGED and that YOU APPRECIATE that he is THINKING about YOUR RELATIONSHIP... He remains, of course, a WS..and continues to be UNDER HER INFLUENCE..but I sense a bit of a crack..and you are running out of time....
Last edited by mimi1254; 03/21/06 12:21 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,609 |
Mimi,
I know I am running out of time here and it scares the crap outta me.....
What kind of note do you mean? I am not sure I am getting what you think I should say to him......
help me out here so I can understand you better....
Hurting
Last edited by hurtinginokla; 03/21/06 12:35 PM.
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
What do you think about yesterday, Hurting?
Do you think he was trying to determine whether you were trying to change?
From your report, as I read it here, you blew his questions off..
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 371
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 371 |
((( Healing ))) I like the idea of a note kinda like responding to what he said yesterday... perhaps a very positive one.... just to open the crack that I see happening...
P.S. I just can't call you Hurting anymore, I know you are hon, but on a more upbeat, postitive level you are healing so much from when you first signed on here... hope you don't mind...
I know you are supposed to be in Plan B, dark, but drastic times sometimes call for drastic measures... but, please just don't listen to me. see what others say to do.
your friend, carnation
Me - BS 55
WH/FWH 50
OW 30
Much evidence says that my H was/is
deeply involved in a very long term PA
Prolly will never know much more than that
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
This is the section that has information that I wonder about: He said you know BS I have not seen any changes in you at all. I said well thats your perception of things but of course your not around to see anything. He then said you know every since your father died its been this way. I told him I was tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. I said I have changed whether you see it or not. I have two jobs and am working my butt off. He said you should have gotten a job ;long time ago. I said maybe so but you should have talked to me. He said I did tell you how I was feeling. I said your a liar you never said anything. I said it really does not matter anymore because i am to the point I don't care what you think.
He said the house was a wreck last time I was there. I said I know that but I had just gotten the new furniture and things were not put back yet. He said what about the mess from the fire. I said I have cleaned it the best I can. I can't help smoke damage is still there. I said not only that I work all the tie so I don't have much time to do much. He said thats not my problem, I said I didn't say it was and I am not complaining I an just telling you how it is. So here again justifying his affair was his biggest concern. Although he is justifying his A, you are also justifying the issues about you that bother him.... HE IS DEFINITELY THINKING ABOUT THESE ISSUES..which is a GOOD THING....
Last edited by mimi1254; 03/21/06 12:57 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
167
guests, and
59
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,620
Posts2,323,477
Members71,937
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
