Mulan,

First, while the anti ds will help, they won't FIX anything. Your WH has got to get that thru his skull, even if you have to use a hammer to do so.

Second, Wookie could not/would not help me when I was going through this. I had to do it myself. There comes a time, even if we've been able to rely on the spouse for anything before, that you realize you MUST do this for yourself...especially if they won't stand up and help you out of this. Do you understand? I don't know if I'm being clear or just sounding mean....but I'm not trying to sound mean. These guys (I say guys, but any wayward)...even if they're coming in from the fog...are sometimes still way too absorbed in themselves to be able to help anyone else. When I figured that out, it made me madder than a wet hen. Why, since I was the one so hurt, did I have to fix me? Why can't he help?

The answer is because he's not able to yet. Period. Cut and dry, black and white. It hurts oh-so-bad - this truth. I know.



To give you a little insight into the working brain, when you are under stress, the brain fires certain chemicals off. It's a nifty little bit of wiring our Creator threw in to help us survive. Unfortunately, when that stress is a constant (such as PTSD), those chemicals become so also. Your brain forgets how to shut them off and is addicted to those chemicals besides!

That's why I got on the zoloft...to wean my head off that constant stressed out state. I wasn't on them long, in the grand scheme of things, but long enough to be able to "deal" with what I had to deal with.

I think if you went to a doc and he suggested anti ds it might help you be able to put everything into perspective for you...and might also help you POJA with your wh other issues to help heal your marriage.

Hope this helps,
Kimmy

***These guys (I say guys, but any wayward)...even if they're coming in from the fog...are sometimes still way too absorbed in themselves to be able to help anyone else. When I figured that out, it made me madder than a wet hen. Why, since I was the one so hurt, did I have to fix me? Why can't he help?***

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Either way, I will have to recover either with him or without him.

He does not seem to realize that what's he asking me to do is learn to be happy and content without him.

Once I learn to do that, what's the point of being married to him?
Mulan

My husband's OW didn't want to go so quietly, so she harassed us for almost 2 years after the affair ended. A restraining order slowed her down, but didn't stop her completely.

Anyway, to the point of my reply....

The stress that I allowed that woman to cause me really messed me up mentally/physically. Note that I said "I allowed", ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Her bark was worse than her bite.

Let's see...what did I go through? I had trouble sleeping, had flashbacks (still get triggers, but not so much), still can't concentrate, I was extremely vigilant and afraid to be alone (due to her calling the cops on me for something I didn't do), obsessiveness (I had to know what she was doing and what she was planning), I did get joint and muscle pains and even went into pre-menopause for almost a year. I'm still a bit depressed, but opted not to take any AD's. Low self-esteem and shattered self-confidence...I think that's probably normal with most BS's.

I'm not the same person, older, wiser and more somber.

2 years ago, this very day in fact, was the day that I found out about the affair and tried to commit suicide. My husband knows that March is a bad month for me, and he's treating me more gently than usual. Rather than dwell on the past, we're going to go out for a nice dinner and focus on the present.

Mulan,

I have had PTSD all my life since a little girl, but was not diagnosed until 8 yrs ago. I tried many AD's, which did not work for me. IC... various counselors.

What had helped me is a multi-vitamin daily, and an extra dose of B-vitamin (which is for stress).

PTSD gets triggered with every trauma in my life, thats why I have many recovery groups to help also.

I don't know your story, but if your marriage is very unhealthy, try to keep all other unhealthy relationships and trauma in others lives away from you, such as family and friends...until you are better. (Do not keep MB away).
Hang around positive people who will lift you up.
Trust the Lord & Be good to yourself.

Blessings,
Lady

Were you not that person before you met him? I was. It was years of allowing him to control things in our married life that contributed to my needing him so badly. I say needing him like that because there were things (like money, for instance) that I let him totally control and forgot how to do for myself. It was debilitating and daunting for me to think I might have to face money stuff by myself. My Wookie would TELL me/MAKE me go to the doctor....that's why it hurt me so bad that I had to figure out that I needed to see someone for the PTSD....cause he couldn't/wouldn't do that for me.

But Mulan! Why did you marry this man? Only for him to take care of you? Not because you WANTED to be with him...you wanted to share experiences with him....wanted HIM? C'mon the taking care of you part is JUST A LITTLE part of why you married him....but because it's so big in your mind right now that he's not doing that part, all the other reasons to be with him are being pushed aside.

Remember, OCDing is a big part of PTSD...you obsess on one little part over and over, instead of concentrating on the big picture.

Hugs Mulan. I know, I've been there...it hurts and I'm not going to tell you to just quit hurting and suck it up...but YOU take the reigns and WH will follow.

Stranger things have happend. Ask my Wookie.

- Kimmy

I was diagnosed with PSTD during my H's 4 yrs on/off, mostly on affair. I had most of those symptoms. I was put on Serzone at the time. I think that one may have been taken off the market due to causing potential liver damage.

He does not seem to realize that what's he asking me to do is learn to be happy and content without him.

Once I learn to do that, what's the point of being married to him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

***Were you not that person before you met him? I was.***

Yes, of course. But if he becomes so meaningless to me that I am perfectly content without him -- the same way, it seems to me, he learned to be content without me many years ago -- again, what is the point of being married?

I'm not talking about unhealthy co-dependence. I work full time and I can manage my own money just fine.

I'm talking about having someone you love to share your life with and to fill each other's ENs. If I am happy and content without him and he's just another face in the crowd to me, how on earth can you maintain a marriage like that?? What would be the point?

But it seems to me that this is precisely what he wants -- a marriage where he can treat me like I'm no different from anyone else, no different from any stranger on the street, and I'm happy and content with that and don't ever bug him about it. Yet he still wants me to drop everything the minute he gets around to coming home and fully expects me to be ready and willing to be with him when HE feels like it.

And he can't understand why I freaking out and have every symptom of full-blown PTSD?
?????????????????
Mulan

Mulan,

A very wise man (waving cause he reads here) once told me you love what you nurture.

But you cannot do much nurturing when you are freaking out.

Take care of yourself first, THEN you are able to concentrate on your marriage.

Also, your wh does not sound like he's got a very healthy outlook, himself. I know from experience that it's harder than hades to get a guy to go to the doc - but your wh sounds at least depressed.

But...what do I know. I'm not a doctor....it couldn't hurt for him to see one, tho...what? You'd just be out a co-pay and some time...seeing how he's wasted so much (time) on an A, that should be the least of his worries.

- Kimmy

Mulan,

It sounds like you are suffering with PTSD. But don't take my word for it.

I suggest you get thee to a professional and find out what your options are to move forward.

You have one tough spouse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes meds can help you to step back, help your anxiety and frustration and get you on a healthy road.

You do not have to take them forever.

I definately have symptoms of PTSD. The A has been over for 5 years this month.

I am better, my main problem being anxiety. I am recently on a low dose of Paxil ( 3x a week) for my early menopause, (went into that post A) which was caused by the trauma, (yes, it does happen), and anxiety disorder (diagnosed by wonderful professionals) that I have resulting from the A.

I really fought taking meds. But that is me. I don't like taking drugs, but they do help sometimes. You don't have to take them longterm.

I guess what I am saying is that these medications serve their pupose, at times. If the diagnosis is correct, then the meds can help.

Mulan, you are wonderful...and WORTHY <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Start believing it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M