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{{{Confused}}}

I know it hurts to think that WH wants D despite all the inconvenience, lonliness, etc., but like shattered said, it can be exciting for WS's to think about "being on their own" for the moment. Your WH may have to experience it in order to realize how empty it is go come home to find no body and he has to cook for himself, clean after him, etc.

My H has always been a good cook, so that part should not have been hard for him when he moved out. But even then, I realized that he was eating out a lot when he first moved out, instead of cooking at home. I guess he did not want to cook only for himself.

It would be great if your H agrees to speak to SH, but there is a good chance he wouldn't, not b/c he does not have any feelings left for you, but possibly b/c he is just so excited about "moving out". Again, this phase will not last too long, though.

Hand in there, and enjoy car shopping!
Milk

I don't know about that. I also think that WS's are never really sure about what they're doing and I personally think they have a lot of inner conflict.

I had a similar conv. w/ex last weekend. I said why is it that other people look at me and see positive things? I feel like when you look at me you only see negative things. He said "I don't see negative things when I look at you." Okay . . . . then we are divorced because ?? ? ? ? ? IMHO, I think it is themselves they are not happy with, they just don't know it yet. They think it is everything else - you, marriage, kids, responsibilities, etc. When they change all this and are still miserable, they start to realize that maybe it wasn't us afterall. They have to be willing to take a good look at themselves.

I used to struggle with this so much. To me it is the perfect crime. "I would love to come back to you but I am just too ashamed." That used to send me over the deep end. I used to say "I can forgive you, that's all that matters." He'd say "I could never face _________." Afterwards I always came to my senses. I would think, wait a minute . . . Finally, I emailed Melody Lane and asked "If he REALLY wanted to return to me, would he let shame stop him?" And she affirmed what I thought- NO. Think about it: they have the keonies to sleep w/someone outside their marriage and lie and cover it up. They have the keonies to beg you for forgiveness. I say it's the perfect crime because it makes them look good. Oh, he made a mistake and he's SOOOOOOO sorry about it that he can never face us again. See? Doesn't that make him look like a martyr?

Do you WANT a divorce? If not, I wouldn't go there. You might want to set a timeframe for yourself. Has it been one year since d-day? If so, I'd give it another year. I also feel your WH probably has to move out and get a taste of life as a "divorced man". It's not all fun and games. But just because he leaves, doesn't mean it's over. Like I said, they are in crisis, confused, and I bet they haven't a clue what they "want". I think it changes like the weather.

Hang in there.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actions say it all. My WH actions say he is not and does not plan to be committed to M. His independant behaviors and the distance he puts between us speak volumes.

I had asked WH to go with me to make final decision on the new car. When Saturday came he had other things to do. I had gone to a James Blunt concert with my sister and BIL Friday night. So Saturday afternoon my WH had to go out drinking with his friend since he couldn't go out St.Patty's Day.

My sister went with me and I got the car. Ford Fusion 2006, in MY name, totally based on my salary, no where is WH name on it. I also found out that I have an excellent credit rating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Later that night, I saw WH car at his friend's house so I called and stopped in to show them the car. His friend made a fuss over how much he liked the car pointing out the features and wished me luck with it. WH...the only comment he had was he asked how much the payments were. Is he jealous? Did he think I wouldn't be able to do it with out him? I don't know.

I do know I love my new car.

Woo Hoo - Congratulations on your new car !! Most importantly, what color is it ??

I hope I am not off base here, but I do believe that your WH may be a little like HurtinginOK WH. In that they will not or can not admit that they have made a huge mistake. They would rather like miserably than try to right a wrong. They know what they should do but just don't know how to go about getting there... does that make any sense at all ??

I do believe your husband does not want a D, but just does not know how not to do a D at this point. I may be over simplfying this, but I still think it may be workable. If and of course the most imporant if, you are still willing to try.

C42, I am only trying to help ease your pain here and tell you what I believe may be happening. Just throwing this out there for you to think about.

Sending my very best to you, C42 - carnation

Enjoy that car !!!! and yes, I do believe your wh is jealous/shocked that you did it all on your own !

Thanks Carnation I am lovin' my new car.


You know sometimes I believe that too. It seems he is biting his nose off to spite his face. He wants a home and a family he just isn't willing to do the work to keep it. He has said marriage isn't about work it should be easier as time goes on. Well...I got news for him!!! I guess that explains why he hasn't put any effort into the M.

I was thinking about something this morning....
Summer of 2004 we were at a family party at OW house (eeewww!) WH made a comment that heard on the radio a trivia question about...What word does a woman like to hear from her mate?
Guesses were...yes?...no?...love?...money?...charge?...vacation?...raise?...children?...home?

The answer: her name
I can't remember the last time my WH has said my name. That's sad. When he talks to me he just says what he wants to say.

My question is has anybody else noticed this? Does WS call you by your name? Or use your name when talking to you?
Example: How was your day Jane?

C42, my WW only calls me by my name when she needs to get my attention (i.e. in another part of the house). Otherwise she just states what she needs to say without saying my name.

She used to always call me honey or sunshine, but I haven't heard that in a very long time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just got my car back from the dealership...I had taken it in and got the remote start installed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Very cool!

There was a miscommunication and they also accidentally installed the upgraded alarm system.So they asked if I didn't mind keeping it for free...or they would uninstall it at no charge. I said "I wouldn't want you to go through any extra trouble so I'll keep it!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The salesman was so nice. I got a car I love at a great price. If only negotiating with WH was so easy... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

PS.
The car is a dark metallic gray with black leather interior. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Don't you just LOVE your new car? I traded in my aging minivan before Christmas. I bought a Honda CRV. My kids talked me into getting black. It's got every bell and whistle I wanted. I really wanted 4 wheel drive so I could be independent in any weather.

Last night, I was driving home through a snowstorm and all I could think is "I LOVE MY CAR!"

Good luck with yours!

ABSOLUTELY DEAD ON !!!

WH is away in Puerto Rico until Friday he left last Thursday.

My son had opening day for baseball season Saturday. Saturday evening DS gets a call from Dad to see how the game went. 5 minute conversation w/ DS and DS had to leave to spend the night at a friends's house. WH did not call back to talk to me or DD.

I got so angry Saturday night. He made a 5 minute phone call and it relieved him of the guilt of missing DS's game. Then he could go back to enjoy his time. I was angry because who decided he gets to come and go as he pleases, does what he feels like and leaves the rest for me to take care of? I am so tired of being married and having no H. I cried that night...its been a while since I had a good cry.

I started to post a vent here but read instead. I read the six stages of MLC....and post from new guy Newman4060. It made so much sense to me. I could see WH in his description. So my attitude went from "why me?" to "what am I going to do about it? How am I going to survive his MLC?"

I need focus on me and the needs of my children.

I need to remove myself from his chaos.

I need to get him out of the house and go to plan B before plan D.

I need to stop holding myself accountable for his poor choices. (stop making excuses for him)

I need to bring joy to my life.

So I am managing. When he calls tonight I will be too busy to talk to him. I need to protect myself from his babble and rebuild my strength.

((( C 42 )))

Sounds like a perfect plan to me ~~ you must detach yourself from the pain and him.

It doesn't even need to be physical

Just do it with your head.

It can be done ~~~ and you can do it !!!

Turn the music up in that new drive and enjoy yourself.

My very best to you, carnation

c42,

The good cry is good and will help you get out some of that pent up frustration.

You've been at this a long time and it's starting to take a toll on you...I know.

Remember, only you control how you feel. Take that control back.

Thinking of you...

I'm doing much better...I've had a peaceful week so far. I went to see the traveling Broadway show "Wicked" last night in Philadelphia w/ a group of girlfriends. Had terrible seats but enjoyed the show and the experience tremendously.The voices were incredible, it was witty and funny put a whole different spin on the Wizzard of Oz. Thumbs up evening all around!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />(in honor of Wicked Witch of the west)

Thanks for checking in on me carnation and HTW its nice to have folks stop by for a "visit".

Car- whats new with you is WH a FWH now? Is he away driving or has he been around.

HTW- Did she move out yet? How are you holding up?

c42, I'm glad you were able to get out with your friends and enjoy yourself. The BS spends way too much time focusing on the WS that they forget to do things that make them happy and ultimately makes them look more attractive to the WS. Funny how that works isn't it?

My WW is still at home (thanks for asking) and I'm awaiting the LS papers which should be arriving this week according to my WW.

take care and stay strong.