Dazed - Good job on trying to change things up. I have no doubt you are 10 times the man that the OM is, no doubt at all.

Of course she is going to be upset but I want to tell you how much I respect you for standing up for yourself. Since you are trying to end her affair or move on it will be upsetting to her. I especially like that you are setting up some boundaries on her abuse.

You may need to talk to another lawyer if your current lawyer won't help you for your RO. Good luck to you.

Just a to be a bit clearer:

You let her know that you will be moving on...that she may/will be losing you (your friendship, personal contact)... for good....BUT you keep it to yourself that you will give her 2 yrs of plan B.... Then you 180 to a certain degree as you are 'getting a life' with your DD...without your WW. You reassess the situation at 2 yrs.

In FL we don't have legal separation and it is very much a no fault state. I had all the DV paperwork and info...but didn't file. My H agreed on support etc. If he wasn't in any rush to file then I wasn't either. He didn't file even after his OW got her DV. I was able to wait it out until the fantasy bubble burst, reality set in, and the A died its natural death. Others aren't willing or able to do that.

I think it will help your situation if she could fear losing her Dazed completely as well as all the respect from others etc. that was mentioned by Lexxxy.

So? What happened last night?

Not much...
She came home right after work. It was understandably tense between us. We both cooked dinner together last night. We both tried to make conversation but it was kinda awkward. Her girlfriend came by the house and picked her up to go to the gym and work out. Once she came home she was much more friendly. Neither of us spoke about no contact. I wanted to wait and see if she would avoid it. I kinda wanted to see if she would be the first to go there or not. I figured she would. That's okay it will not go away, I won't let it.

I was a bit surprised when she spoke in futuretense. She was talking about about us finding another home again and asked if i would order us a new computer for the house. She even offered to go in haves with me on it.

She told me her neck hurt and her hand hurt looking for sympathy and attention from me. Wanted me to rub her neck.
I don't think she was faking, but I kinda think she was also testing to see if Dazed would be nice to her.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into it...

She came up and slept in our room last night. The couch must not have been such a good option...lol

So, I wrote the county attourney asking for help with a protection order of some type.

The big plan for the week is;
1) Obtain some type of order for protection by 5pm friday.
2) Get a local MC interviews finished and an appointment date locked in. The WW agreed to go with me as long as I find one our insurance will help pay for. So, I'm taking that full speed ahead.
Hopefully someone else can educate other than me and give us a plan to work off of.
3) It looks as though I will have to drive the contact yes, or no to a head. I want to get the order and MC date set prior to bringing this to a head.
In case things get real bad and she leaves, I will have the order in play.

That's kind of it right now.

A plan!! Boundaries!! It is what we have been waiting for!

Drive on, Dazed.

In His arms.

Dazed-

Not knocking you here man. I like and respect you...in a lot of ways.

But, I somewhat disagree with MM. You've stated these boundaries and plans before...what I am hoping to see is them enforced. I was hoping to read here today that you enforced these boundaries last nite as you'd outlined you would...

For your own sake, for your DD's sake...enforce everything this time now. Try contacting a new lawyer on the RO/PFS...and/or go through the county courthouse to see what can be done on that front.

sigh....marriage counselling.

Not a big fan here. I think this step is great and wonderful if its YOU agreeing to go, and HER doing all the legwork.

Otherwise its just another tool for her later. Then she can honestly tell her friends and family that she tried so hard. Your marriage just wasn't meant to last. You and her even tried marriage counselling. Or worse, she might use the counselor to coach YOU on how important it is to break up cordially for DD's sake.

I just don't think you're in the right place of recovery for this. I think you're still in affair-busting mode.

I'd rather see you wait to do counselling when she comes to you, begging for forgiveness and asking what SHE can do to fix things. This just seems like another way you are chasing her instead of the other way around...

Just my opinion, and I feel sure others will disagree.

Lexxy,
I agree.... MC is a slippery slope at this point... I mean.. it's good that she at least (maybe) is open to saving the marriage even if she sees it as a desperate grasp.... BUT... if Dazed is careful (and I know he will be) to find a pro-marriage counseler... TRULY pro marriage./... then you never know what God can do with that....

But.... don't get me wrong.. I agree....he just has to be VERY careful to avoid the pitfalls you have wisely pointed out.... It happened with my W and I... again... my W has some serious emotional problems and KNEW how to "Play" a counseler like a fiddle!! She had been to soooo many... she was a pro so it backfired alittle....
GOOD LUCK DAZED... WE'RE PRAYING FOR YOU.....

Dazed...you still out there bro?

Short fuse today....

Everything is falling apart. WW is right back into the same old crap.

WW was caught at OM's house last night. She came home with her head up her @ss last night from work. Blew up at me for wanting to have dinner together as a family.

I left at 6pm to take daughter and her friend out of the house and to the store. WW left with in minutes after that and ran straight to OM.

I drove by his house at 10:15 to find him moving his truck out of his drive so she could back her car out of his garage.

They were both outside and seen my car go by. She shown up at the house about 15 minutes later...

Actually tried to act like nothing happened. I had already shut down the house for the night and daughter was asleep in her bed.

WW actually came upstairs and started getting ready to get into bed with me... She set down in the bed and asked what was new with me... I was in shock... She new I new... Then to ask a dumb [censored] question like that...
I replied, nothing is new. She said she wanted to talk. I said, I do not really want to talk tonight. She just started talking anyway. She started the same old fog babble about how hard it is for her to be here and she just doesn’t feel right and blah blab.. Then said it's all the things I HAVE DONE that she can't get over and how she just has no love for me. I said, I said I was not going to talk about this tonight... She then got mad and started insulting me and making crazy claims of how I never change and how we never talk because of ME and this is my entire fault. I said, I will talk to you only if you are completely honest with me. Can we do that? She said sure.
I said; where were you tonight? She said with friends. I said ok, specifically which friend? She said friends ok...
I ok. I agreed to speak with you if we could be open and honest. Do you want to add something? She said, NO..

I said, I know for a fact you with at that guy’s house for nearly four hours. She said we just hung out... I said, so did my letter I wrote mean anything? She said, it was a bunch of lies and you said you would bow out gracefully. I don't see that happening... You are the same as you always were... She threw a bunch more insults out and I told her I was done talking. I said, for me to talk to you I ask for your honesty and no lectures about the past and neither were respected so I'm threw talking tonight. She set there and needled me with insults trying to get me to fight with her. After a few minutes she finally gave up and went to the couch for the night.

This morning I did not wake her to speak to her or nothing.
Once she got up and into the shower I had to retrieve a couple things from the bath room. She asked me if I would was still going to mail back her eBay return just like nothing was out of place.
I said, sure I'm still planning on it.
Then I asked if she was ready for us together to begin no contact today. She blew up and said what do you think. I said, I just wanted see where you are at. She said, so then what, if I don't. I said, well I move on. I can't be a part of this type of relationship. I love you that are why it hurts me when the choice is made to spend the evening with that guy rather than your marriage or family.

She got all angry and spouted off some more crap. I just quietly walked out the door.

After getting daughter to school I had to go back to finish for work. I saw the LF car tire on the old car flat when I pulled back in.

The wife came to me all nice and said she never meant to hurt me. I said nothing. I stopped getting dressed for a moment and gave her a small hug. She seemed upset that I said nothing. She stopped back down stairs and shortly there after went into high gear bash me for all the past history and how she just can't feel for me because I wore all the love out of her over the years.. Then started sitting twisted past about me not showing up for dinner with her and our daughter some where 5 years ago. All the same old crap about how I took all her feelings and broke them.

I told her I have taken responsibility for my mistakes. I understand... I asked when you are going to live for the future and not in the past. She said well everyone gages the future by the past and you are stupid for thinking that I will ever feel love for you again. It is your fault, you had years to beat it out of me and you did.

I asked her if she ever really tried to end the affair. She said no not really. I said thank you.
She said the crap about trying for years. I asked how long it has been she stopped seeing that guy... She said, that did not have anything to do with it. I was seeing you when I started seeing him so what is the difference. She then went into a fog ramble about being a slut, and a bad mom, but at least she is a mom and never said she did not want to it was me that says she stopped being a mom and I will probably try to lie again about that and take daughter and blah blah blah... I just walked off and ignored her.

Once she stopped and headed for the door I asked if she felt better now. She said yes I do.

She was so screwed up that she got in the car and drove off with the tire flat... I said nothing... I left a couple minutes later and did not see her stopped anywhere. Must have driven the entire way to work with it on the wheel.

So, today....
I'm so back logged at work my job is in jeopardy. I have so much to do.
I want to finalize orders against him like the county attorney is helping me with... THANKS BILL

I want the RO against him today for me and daughter. The county attorney instructed me to put together a journal of things he has done and file it with the police department.

I want all that done today. If I can get that done, I want to file for a divorce going for full custody. To keep her away I want to file for a protection from abuse order against her. Because she destroyed the house on two prior occasions and did punch me, kick me, threw things at me. No I'm not afraid of actually being hurt by her. I just want her out and this would keep her away.

I don't think I can get this all done today and not sure what I really need to be doing. I feel this is it. I love her but, I can't take this anymore. I don't deserve this.

I have to think she had to learn what to do from the last time she filed.

I need to do some other stuff as well. Financially I have a couple other things that could snag me.
The new car loan is in both our names however it is title and registered only to me. I want her name off the loan.

Also, I have a possible buyer for my race car.. Not sure what to do with that money if the sale goes threw.

Hey buddy, I feel for you.... I ain't got no words of advise, but wanted you to know my number ain't changed. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call and I am pleased that the country atty is being helpful.....

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Are you talking about Plan B?

Or are you just done?

I think you need some peace in your life. To be able to focus on your work and daughter; instead of all of WW's drama.
You do not deserve to be verbally beat up everyday.
Please don't take it to heart, she's just trying to justify her sleazy affair.

I'm so sorry, Dazed. You are right that you don't deserve this. Most people would give anything to have their spouse do so much to change and make ammends for the past and to show so much love and care.

One question... did you tell the county attorney that this slimeball OM has threatened to kill you and your daughter? That needs to be somewhere in formal paperwork that can be used to get the strongest RO and also be of help to you in court when you go for custody of your daughter, since your wife received these threats and did nothing to protect your daughter from this monster.

I hope that you and your daughter are able to protect yourselves from the OM and your wife. You're a strong and loving man and I'm sure that you and your daughter will have a bright future together, whether or not your wife gets her act together. Hopefully once she sees what she's losing, she'll finally get it.

Dazed,

The good news is that, if you use the same attorney, it will be very easy to refile for Divorce. If you really wanted to get that ball rolling, it is entirely conceivable he could have that done by close of business today, Monday at latest, if you call him right now.

Regards,

BB

You see, now dazed...those are reasons to go to Plan B! Not trying to get wife away from OM. But for these reasons:


I did like you pressing the boundaries issue with her. And if you EVER get the RO, that would be great!

But if you TRULY mean what you say here about how you feel...then Plan B is the answer now. In order to do a proper Plan B, you needed a good Plan A AND you needed to go into Plan B for the right reasons.

Too many on here (I was guilty of it in my first Plan B attempt) want to use Plan B to manipulate their WS. And what happens is that the peace that should come with Plan B, doesnt. Instead, it is constant worry that their Plan B "isnt working." Well, it isnt working because they use it for the wrong purpose!

So, if you truly mean this, then I think it is time for Plan B. you dotn ask your wife. You jsut give her the PBL...and then shut this rollercoaster off for you and DD.

If you need to go to court to get some sort of custody stuff, then do so. But outside of that, Plan B should just be a place to hide out and rest for awhile.

So, my question is: is this how you feel? if it is, then let's get you to a place of rest.

And for those that love the other side of Plan B...yes...his wife will finally get her consequences!

In His arms.

I just got this email from her---

Dazed
i am just wondering if u have came to
any kind of conclusions about things?

I have mixed emotions... To reply and give her the same mantra or just blow her off and let her see what I think.

I love her... I wish we could work out our marriage. I may be able to continue IF she were to show any remorse and a real attempt to end the affair.
With out that I'm simply out of gas... The pain is becoming to great to overcome. I find myself thinking what it would be like when she is gone and liking it. It hurts me with stuff like last night. It hurts me that she discounts all my efforts. In the past I could brush things off and put on a smile and continue with out love busting and becoming something I don't want to be. I find that becoming increasingly hard. I don't want to love bust or be angry at all... It is becoming harder to do.

Like I said before, things are retreating because contact never ended. He has been able to place fog once again all around her.

Her complete lack of support in our marriage even while being home has made things easier to let go of her. She has done so little as a wife or mother.

The week end we refaced out bathroom was the high point of her return. Since then it's been all down hill... She found a new girlfriend and spends her time and emotions with her now instead of me. Since this happened we have started to drift once again. I really like that girl friend of hers and I do believe she is supportive of our marriage however the wife is NOT bonding with me while she is bonding with her...

I just cannot tolerate her giving herself to other people and coming home for me to take care off like another child.

That is basically what it is... I support her like a second daughter... Well, I thinks it time to send her off to for and education...

I don't know what others will think, but I think you are at the point of actions rather than words. I deffinately wouldn't top my hand at this point.

Get the RO in place. If'n you are going to file, can they reference the RO in the filing? Based on he inability to stay away from him and his repeated threatening gestures, I'd look strongly into "supervised" visitation.... Again, no talk, simply actions.

You've done good young man.... And as you move forward in which ever direction, you are stonger today than you were yesterday.....

GRRR...that would have pissed me off!

The NERVE of her. Have YOU come to any conclusions??????

She is one with a decision to make!!!
I would reply back to her with EXACTLY the same phrase,

"i am wondering if YOU have come to any kind of conclusion about things. I asked you to make a decision..."

What a selfish (#$*&%. She can't handle the guilt of being the one who quit.

MAKE HER.

I'd say either don't reply at all...

or...

reply with exactly what you just told us. Be honest and up front with what you're feeling about her right now. Tell her you've busted your tuckus, you've done everything possible, and that if this marriage fails it won't be do to YOUR lack of effort.

Tell her how much you love her and wish it could work out...but given how poorly she's behaved and treated you and your daughter, you're ready to throw in the towel and give her exactly what she wants.

I told my wife the same thing.

Additionally, I made things clear to her what OUR relationship would be if she did go to be with OM...in other words...NO relationship of any kind. We'd not be friends, we'd not be acquaintences...I'd never want to have ANYTHING to do with her again. I meant it...and if something were to happen again and she were to leave me...I'd STILL mean it.

Tell her that it's been her choice to make all along...and it appears that she's made her choice. So now it's up to you to protect yourself and your daughter from her decisions.

And then contact your lawyer and clam up like a big dawg.

Again, it's up to you. You know your wife and your situation better than I do. I know what helped in my case and that's the extent of my knowledge.

Have you given her a mental picture of what its going to be like if she chooses OM? (no contact with you, no phone calls, no "friendship"...)

We discussed this earlier on this thread....