My story is:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Unexpectedly, there has been a new development, and I really need help!!

STBX just called this morning from his work and said he wants to give us another try. But he ASSUMES I am open to that idea. He did say "...if you are okay with that", but I know he knows that I will always consider this option.

He did say that it would take a lot of work and he said "and I know, most of that is me, Milk, I know that", but he said he wants to give us another try "for the sake of DS3...., and for you". ??? He did not say that he realized that he loved me or anything. Is it dangerous to get back together like this? Please advice!

A little background...
DS3 and I came back from the ski trip yesterday. While we were up there at the ski resort, my cell phone did not work (no signals), but apparently STBX called three times during our trip. I think he wanted to be the one who takes DS3 to his first ski trip (that is why he kept calling me last week asking about the trip? I am not sure, but he called every day last week), and must have missed him so much.

Anyway, soon as we entered the house, the house phone rang, and it was STBX. He said "I called you several times...", so I said "my cell phone did not work up there". He asked how the trip was, so I said it was fun. Then I asked him how his weekend was, and he just said "it was okay", in his depressed voice.

Then he was supposed to bring the dog back home (I asked him to take care of our dog while we were gone), and he said "Milk...., I have a pasta sauce I made...., can I bring it over and have dinner there? Do you have pasta and parmesan cheese?" I was surprised by his request, but pretended I was affected by his statement, and simply said "sure, that's fine, I have pasta and cheese".

He came over, kissed DS3 all over saying he missed him. Then he saw the roses I received from a guy for Valentines day (they are still beautiful and I had them on the table), and said "these are nice flowers, Milk. Who gave you them?" So I said "my friend". He asked "your boyfriend?" I said "no".

Then he said "nice box", looking at a chocolate box and asked if I received it for valentine's day. It was actually from my girl friend for Christmas (I am not a big chocolate eater, so there are still some left in the box...), so I said "they are actually from Christmas".

Then he complimented some of the pictures I had on my console (I used to have a lot of our family pictures, but I took them all out and replaced with DS3 and my pictures). "What a nice picture of DS3 and Mama".

So the whole time I was wondering what he is up to. But I did not want to have any kind of expectations nor hope, so just kept unpacking.

When DS3 asked STBX "Papa, are you going to stay now with us?", he got emotional and "oh wow....", then when DS3 wanted to hold both STBX and me, to my surprise, he almost wanted to hold both of us.

DS3 did not want STBX to leave, which made him feel uncomfortable, I could tell, but I told him to make the scene "light", so that DS3 will not get too emotional, and STBX said okay, and left. The difference was that in the past, every time DS3 made the scene, it was breaking my heart but it seemed STBX was perfectly fine with that and just waled away. So he is finally feeling some pain and guilt??

He called here at home (I took a day off today) in the morning but we were still in bed. Then he called me on my cell to tell me what he said.

How should I handle this? I do not want to repeat the same thing - that would hurt me and DS3 so much and I never want to see DS3 getting hurt ever again.

STBX does not sound too convincing (he might be just getting emotional right now??), and I do not want to raise my hope too high either.

He just called me again asking for my email address. I think he wants to email me his thoughts.

Please advivce how I should approach this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have any advice, and all I can say is:

HOLY CRAP

Lol! I read through your thread (very good examples of crazy WH behavior), and when I saw this post today I nearly crapped my pants.

Good luck!
JJ

I knew mine was going through MLC, but I am very very surprised... The way he dropped his bomb more than a year ago was a big surprise to me, but the way he turned around (really? or is this one of his "fake" recoveries?) could be more surprising to me....

He did this last April, and wanted us all to go to Hawaii. But soon as we came back, he moved out. So I REAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY want to be cautious this time!

Wowza!

I follow your thread, but I am not real familar with the early part of your story. Have you done false recoveries before? Does he sound any different this time? Is this just a run of the mill affair or doesn't your WH have some other addiction issues?

Wowza!

WOW, this can be big...

It's great he realizes HE needs to do much of the work. I would take it slow, find out if he has a plan, watch his actions...find out what the big change was. It may be time for a real heart to heart with him and find out how serious things are...how determined... You don't want to invite him over or expect too much with DS if he is still waffling, without a plan, just misses his life but hasn't done any soul-searching...

What would it take for him to get back, Milk? Just wondering if you have a plan........


Never underestimate the value of a good plan.
- kimmy

Flipping 'eck, as we Essex girls say (when we are being particularly polite, that is).

Milk, you've brought me back to the board, I'm just so amazed. And happy for you of course, but be careful, girl.

As Dealan-de says, you need a plan. Will WH speak with you to the Harleys?

Alph.

{{Milk}} I'll be praying for you. Hopefully someone like Orchid will come along and advise you as I have been the ultimate sucker of "false recoveries"

milkshake,

First, your name reminds me of a malted milkshake and I think I'll have one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> HEEHEE. Haven't had one in ages!

Now, onto your question--he says he wants to "try again" --how should you take this and how should you proceed.

Actually the answer to this is relatively easy. In your past marriage, milkshake, your WH made many mistakes but so did you. You can NOT change him, no matter how much you may desperately want it--HE has to change him. The only person you can change is YOU...so you keep focusing on you and doing what you need to do to be a better woman, mother, person and wife. You keep learning, reading and growing and focusing on YOUR issues and the stuff YOU need to do for YOU. Let your WH deal with and work on himself.

A WORD OF CAUTION: Do not fall for just his words. I could say to you, in complete conviction as if I really believed it, that the sky is down and the grass is up. That means NOTHING; words are only hot air squirting out of a person's mouth. What MEANS something is when you see actions that match the words. Let me give you an example. If I say, "I am going to work on myself" but I don't humbly admit my issues and sincerely repent...and I do not buy a book, go to a support group, listen to tapes, go to a class or seminar, or do anything different in any way...have I worked on myself? Not much!! But if I say, "I am going to work on myself" and speak to you respectfully and take personal responsibility for the problems *I* have created with my poor choices...I buy edifying books or tapes and really study them and think about the concepts...and then think of practical ways in which I can apply what I've learned to my life--or if I go to a support group (or seminars) and learn how others have dealt with similar issues--and I face the music for the hurt and anger I participated in making...TA DA!! THAT really would be working on myself, wouldn't it? And you didn't have to NAG me or REMIND me or HELP me--I did it all on my own!!

SEE?? Do you see what I'm talking about here milkshake? If you are so inclined to give your WH another try, that is your decision and may be a gracious one. But do not do the work for him. Do not believe just his words. Wait--be patient--and give him the opportunity to show you that ON HIS OWN he is willing to admit his own problems, deal with them, and be a better man, father, person, husband. Meanwhile you keep your focus on YOU--being the woman you were intended to be.

(((((milkshake)))))




FNCJ

Milk,

I just don't know what to say. I am amazed by this and hopeful for you.

But please be careful and take it slow and like Faithful just said he has to do the work not you. Watch his actions.

I pray for you and DS this is for real. I wish you the best of luck ...



Hurting

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />WOW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is excellent news milkshake. I would agree with the others that taking it slow would be best and letting him SHOW you he means business.

Sounds like he sees you moving on and the roses and chocoates surely helped clear some of his fog.

good luck

Hi, milkshake!

I'm glad to hear your STBX seems to have possibly come to his senses...

I hope things work out for you the way you want!

Milk.....

WOW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Just saw this thread, cannot believe it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I agree with the poster above, what is YOUR plan??

Don't rush into anything, let him show what he is willing to do for recovery. Can you talk to the Harleys!

Very happy for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.......

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice, everyone.

I haven't responded to his email yet, and in the mean time he called again (I was out playing with DS3 and our dog in the snow and did not get it). He just called and said "I hope you guys are having fun sledding - let me know how you are doing".

So I do need to get back to him soon. I want to let him know that of course my door is still open, but I do not want to appear too excited either. And, I want us to go to a MC, but is it something he should bring up? Can I suggest that? At the same time, I do not want to make it sound like this is a condition for us to give it another try either.

How do I take this slowly while showing him that if he is serious, of course I want us to get back together?

Oh, and I forgot to mention my "plan", which was suggested by several people. That sounds like a very good idea. Hmm, what is my plan?

Well, I want us to take things slowly, but want us to start going to MC and church together to start with. I am not sure if I want him to come home yet, simply b/c I do not want to break DS3's heart again, in case H came home and leaves again. So I want us to have a lot of opportunities to "get together", but not living together yet. Does this make sense? But what if he says he just wants to move back in?

Also, I want us to start having "fun" together, by going to see movies, going out for dinners, etc. I want us to go skiing as well (we used to do this before DS3 was born), but I am not sure if that is too much of a big "jump" at this point. I want to start with something little.

If I make an appointment with SH, for example, for us, that would be considered I am setting things up for WH again?

By the way, the email he sent said:
"Milk – I would like to give our relationship a second chance for DS3’s sake and also because I do still have feelings for you I realize. Also, I know I have issues in my life but I am willing to work through them together.

Are you willing to give this a second chance?"

Again, what is the best way to respond to him?

milk.....

Before you respond to him, it might be a good idea to post on the recovering/recovery board to see what people there think.


Milk, radical honesty is necessary for recovery. This is not refering to just A, but honesty with your feelings as well. Be honest about your feelings. You may want to sit down and write down exactly what you want, kind of organize your thoughts that way......take some time, do not rush in your reply......

Daisy

I would ask him two questions to start:

1. Why do you want to work on the marriage (and for the record, I don't love the word 'try', you are committed or you are not)

2. WH, what is YOUR plan to recover our marriage.

Thanks Daisy and Jean. I will post my questions on the recovering/recovery board. That is a good idea, Daisy.

And thanks for your suggestions Jean. Yes, I do need to know what are WH's primary motives for this. Does he want us to be together, or is it one of his "conveniences" again?? Last time he "used" me for his convenience, and that time he did not want to go to MC or anything. So asking him about his "plan" is a good idea.

Milk,

The question that I would pose to my WH if HE decided to want to work on us is:

WHAT has changed that now you want to work on the marriage. I don't know if that is the right question to ask, or maybe there is some other way to get at it, but the point is that I think before you AGREE to anything, you need to see the level of commitment on HIS part!

The man served you at work and has been pretty adament about D. So, why the change? An answer like I want to do it for DS, in MHO is not enough. Recovery is difficult, both parties have to be committed to it 100%.


I strongly feel that HE needs to express himself honestly about what he wants and feel and what he is prepaired to do and just OPEN himself up to you completely BEFORE you make any commitment to him.

Have you been reading Kim's thead? People there have explained it as a stage of negotiations. He states what he wants, you state your terms (and Milk, if MC is what you want, then YOU say it!), and the negotiations begin!


Daisy