Remember babysteps....it sounds like he is stepping in the right direction...talking to his lawyer is taking action. Does he have a plan? Do you know what you need from him?

I agree it sounds good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Milk-
This is sounding a little more positive- actions always
speak louder than words ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Sounds like you can continue
to talk, take it at a slow pace, and see if he follows
through with the lawyer.
Seems like he was, at least, more willing and open to
talking about things, and was hopefully honest about
the things he is doing. Keep up the good work !

Him saying he'll probably be on meds for some time to
come sounds very likely- I know all those types of
meds take awhile to get enough "build up" in the body
to be effective, and even then take monitoring, change
to different type of medication, change of dose, etc.
I am disappointed that my WH is not doing better with
his- it was so promising that he felt a very drastic improvement when first starting the bipolar meds, but
after about the first two weeks he started to "level
out" and go back to feeling "down". His Dr kept him
on the same bipolar med but put him also on Ad's
last visit, to see if that would help bring his mood up.
It's just been a week, but I don't really see any change
so far. I dont' think any medicine is going to make him
feel great, though, while he's lying to his W and seeing
the skanky OW- that's some conscience talking !!!!

WH just called- said his day was busy but okay, and
reminded me of his alcohol class. Said he'll be home
afterwards and asked what I was making for dinner-
gosh, nothing like the comforts of home. Too bad he'll
miss all that when he moves to the other house.....

Slammed

milk

i envy you.....he wants to try again

i'm happy that you get the chance to choose

Milk, this is MUCH better! I was going to say, "Whaddya mean, 'When can I move back in?', don't you mean, 'CAN I move back in?'"

But he's starting to move. This is very good. Slowly does it, but it's still looking positive.

Milk, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I am glad to hear that your H has finally taken some action. I know we are not suppose to think much of the WS, but does it not strike you that he should have cancled the D first before asking you to move back in.

I mean, did he think you would take your H back into your home with divorce pending?

Anyway, finally a good step, and important step I think. I do agree with OWL. I just don't see the point for games here, at this stage. Too much pain has been cost, and you cannot go back to the dating stage where it is all about second guessing his every move.....and you yourself not being sure, should I say this or that.....Too much is at stake, I think honestly expressing your concerns and the plan for recovery should be the way to go.....

I really thougth Owl's advice to you was good.

Best to you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

milk.....

I was doing some reading here and ran across this by the Harleys......I think it might be helpful to you.....


Enjoy....
Daisy

Thanks Daisy. I remember reading this a year ago, but felt that I would never need to remember..., I will go back and do some more reading.

Spoke to H a couple of times today, but it was about DS3. He called last night but I was very tired and DS3 and I were both already in bed, so I apologized for that and he said "that's okay, don't worry about it", which is more like H's reaction, not the mean and nasty WH's reaction he has given me for the past 16 months. I felt good.

DS3 has his dentist appointment tomorrow morning and I cannot take time off tomorrow, so asked H if he wanted to take morning off. He agreed, so I dropped DS3 off this evening at H's apartment.

When I dropped DS3 off, he tried to hug both H and me at the same time (the group hug...), which touched my heart. H also said "oh, that's so sweet..." Then he told BOTH of us "I love you guys very much".

DS3 has worked so hard to put us back together, I know. When I think of that, I want to cry. He is only 3, and when the whole thing happened, he just turned 2, and yet since then, he has tried everything HE could to put us back together. He is an angel.

Maybe H felt bad and kissed me on my forehead. Wow. I felt still a bit uncomfortable, though (because I did not feel much emotion in it, and also H could not really look into my eyes). But any "actions" are appreciated at this point...

Milk

Update...

H just called to let me know how DS3's dentist experience went. Not so good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It must have scared him so badly that he was still crying in the car. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But they took care of two cavaties. There are two more - I can't even imagine how I can convince him the next time to go see the dentist after this traumatic experience! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Since DS3 is so upset and crying hard (I think he might still be in pain - poor my baby), H said he would stay the rest of the day with him instead of dropping him off at his daycare. That would be good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'll leave early today to be with him this evening (H has his SA group counseling session tonight).

H said "I was going to invite you up last night <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> (I stopped by H's apartment to drop off DS3 last night), but the room was kind of messy (I figured that..., he is disorganized and last night when I was waiting for him in the parking lot he came down with a HUGE garbage bag in hand, which made me wonder when was the last time he took his trash out... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />), so...., I mean, it's not THAT bad, but just a bit...", so I laughed and said "yeah, I could see that - you came down with that huge trash bag last night...", then he laughed too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I told him a little more cute things DS3 did yesterday and H really enjoyed listening to those stories. It seems we can have a very good time AS LONG AS we talk about DS3. Once we start talking about our R, I think he still has a lot of hidden anger and frustration and I also have so much hurt that our R talk usually does not go too well. We haven't talked about our M though since Tuesday, though. I won't bring it up for now.

I want to see more "actions", and so far, he has contacted the lawyer on his own (good), and considered inviting me over (just a thought, but that's good).

I think now I am more leaning towards the idea of reconciliation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My friends think I am nuts though... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Milk

Hello Milk,
Sounds like things are coming along at your end !
Glad that WH seems to be taking things more seriously,
and showing some effort.
I'm sorry that DS3's dentist appointment wasn't too pleasant. I can relate- I hate anything medical or
dental ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I understand what you mean about friends thinking you
are "nuts". I have a couple of good friends who listen
to all my venting and fretting, but neither particularly
likes my WH and I know neither thinks he's worth all
the trouble.

Will update on my thread about last night, today's IC
appointment, and worries about WH taking the D paperwork.
Slammed

I'm not at all surprised at this. It is a safe topic, about a very powerful something you both share. As for the other... well, you haven't "reconnected" yet. All in good time.

Hence... baby steps! You're doing great.

Thank you Slammed and Rivertam.

No much update for now, but will post later.

Milk

Hi Milk,
Just checking in...it sounds like things are going nice and slow....The big black trash bag...LOL..sounds like he wanted to clean up for you!

How is DS3 feeling today?

Thanks confused, DS3 is doing better. I still have to make another appt. for him and KNOW how fun it would be... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Update:
A month ago, H sent me an email saying that he cannot afford the cell phone bills anymore (we had a family plan and were splitting the costs every month) and is terminating the service. He said I would just need to get "my own" plan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I remember feeling sad that he is one by one dropping everything we "owned" together. The email sounded so cold. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I did not respond to his email at that time, as he said "I will keep you posted".

Yes, this is only 4 weeks ago. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Now, I really need a new phone. My phone does not work half the time. When I called my carrier, luckily our contract just ended in February so I am free to get any plans I wanted, with ideally a free new phone.

My friend told me about this wonderful plan with free Razr with no activation fee, and I want to switch to this plan. This is NOT a family plan, however.

So when I spoke to H this morning, I asked him "..., so you do not want to have your cell phone any more, right?"

H: "Well, ..., I think I'll just keep the one we have for now". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
M: "Hmm, b/c our contract is over".
H: "Oh really?" (I thought he checked on this in Feb??) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
M: "Yeah, so we are free to change or terminate our plan".
H: "..., okay?"
M: "I really need a new phone, b/c my phone is dying. My friend told me about this great plan that comes with a free Motorola RAZR and I think I want to get this plan".
H: "Okay, then I'll keep mine as it is then".
M: "Well, it's a family plan, so if I change our existing plan, you won't have the same plan any more, and you'll have to get your own plan".
H: "Oh, yeah, okay..., well we can talk about this later, is that okay?"
M: "Sure".

Last night when he called he said we could talk more later (I think he wanted to talk about us last night, but he was driving and I had DS3 who was keeping me busy, so he just said 'we can talk later then'), so maybe he wants to talk about everything then..., which might solve the cell phone issue too...

I mean, I do not expect H to be all of the sudden completely IN LOVE with me again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, but want to know if he really wants to come home only b/c of his personal issues and his love for DS3.

By the way, while he was still living with us, he signed up for LovaLife (which ticked me off so much that I told him to leave the house, and he apologized for it and canceled the service but in the end he left several months later any way), and apparently he signed up for eHarmoney as well while he was living alone. Hey, I was going to check out eHarmony once we finalized D in the future!

See, I knew he had signed up for some kind of dating service when he told me about "several women" he met right after he moved out... I knew that there was no way he could meet so many women in such a short period of time and discussed R already (basically he told me that he had met several women already but none turned out good and he was ANGRY about it, as if it was my fault...!!!)

Gosh, he is such an SA! If he wanted to be "alone" as he claimed when he moved out, he should have been happy being ALONE...., instead of starting to look for my "replacement" right away through the dating service....

Okay, I'd better stop, b/c otherwise I'll get mad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I have been handling things with H in a very calm and non-confrontational manner these days, and I want to keep it up.

Milk

Bad news. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I knew it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> But it still hurts.

Today I received two letters from the secretary of state. Since STBXH told me that he had written a letter to the state asking them to resend the notification for the licence sticker, I was paying attention.

So I called H tonight to let him know that we received what he was waiting for, and was opening those two letters as I was leaving him a message. The first one was the sticker for one of our cars, and I was saying "I'm not sure why we received two, but am opening it right now..., well it says... CONFIRMATION OF STATUTORY SUMMARY SUSPENSION...WHAT??" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Basically, H got a DUI. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I spoke to him after left him a message, and found out that he got a DUI the weekend S3 and I were up in WI for skiing.

Everything makes sense now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> No wonder when I asked how his weekend was he just said "just okay", and he sounded depressed. No wonder he felt vulnerable and called us and wanted to have dinner with us. No wonder he wanted to reconcile. Basically now he has to pay for the other lawyer for his DUI. He still has debt from his 6/04 arrest. He can't simply afford for the D lawyer.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> So he decided to "drop" it for now. No wonder I never felt that he was sincere. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It was ALL expected, b/c my gut feeling was telling me that there is something fishy about the whole thing. I am glad I did not jump on the opportunity.

But it hurts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I started to feel "maybe I have been skeptical, maybe I should give him a benefit of doubt" and started to lean towards reconciliation.

I can't believe what a jerk he is!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He has no shame of using me whenever convenient for him, using his own son's name! How does he sleep at night? I have no respect for him. Can't believe I have wasted my youth on this man. Can't believe I thought he was one of the sweetest men on this earth.

By the way, he is not remorseful about his DUI at all. Again, it's not his fault, he said "I'm so f***ing unlucky". Excuse me? You call this a bad luck?? So the fact he was arrested for DUI when he was in college and for SA in 6/04 and now for another DUI 2 weeks ago is all due to his bad luck? And the fact he had to change jobs for 8 times in the past 12 years is due to also his bad luck?

He will NEVER look at himself and wonder "maybe it's MY fault...". NEVER! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Now I don't even feel safe to leave DS3 with him. I don't want him to drive DS3 around the town. And he still thinks it was MY fault that he was arrested in 6/04! How does he explain this new incident then? He was so convinced that I was the cause of all of his misfortune. Well, I am in a way glad that he was arrested when he was living alone. Otherwise I know he would have blamed me for this AGAIN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for venting... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

((((((milk))))))))

It hurts, but you were RIGHT.

Think how much more hurt you would be going through now if you hadn't been cautious.

Venting helps, don't be sorry!
JJ

(((Milk)))

I am so glad you trusted your gut. But I am sad that your gut was right. Good job protecting DS from playing "happy family" and getting his hopes up.

((((milk))))
I am glad you found out sooner than later. I am glad you were cautious...not to just "jump" on the opportunity to reconcile. I guess he hasn't hit bottom yet he's just become comfortable as a bottom feeder swirling around in muck. I guess it would have looked good for him in court that he reconciled his marriage and was a stable family man...the DUI was because he missed his family so much...now he is a changed man. AAARRRRGGGHHH!


Take care of yourself and DS3, you are blessed to have eachother! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Milk-
So sorry to hear about this (WOW, I think your WH and my
WH are TWINS !!!!).
I am glad you were cautious and knew there could be some
underlying motives, but I sure understand that it still
hurts, and is so frustrating, disappointing, and maddening !

As you know, my WH started calling, wanted to spend time
together, got a counselor and on meds, and started taking
reconciliation right after he got the DUI at Christmas.
For awhile, he seemed to be making a serious effort at
being honest and at least taking "baby steps" towards us
working on our M, but then made a complete reverse and is
back on with OW.

You'd certainly think that these guys would get a "clue"
after repeated arrests and problems, but like yours, mine
still denies he has a "problem", and says he is "unlucky".
Mine was even with OW when he got stopped, but it hasn't
kept him from getting right back together with her ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My WH's license is currently suspended due to the DUI, yet
he is out driving around and I think I'm more worried about
him getting caught than he is !! (go figure !)
When he had a DUI before and couldn't drive, I drove him
everywhere and he was terrified if he had to drive at all,
but guess this time it would hamper his getting together
with OW too much !

SO, sounds like your WH knows that you know about this now ?
What did he have to say ?
How do you want to proceed ?

Nothing too exciting here (will update my post) but it's
sure been a long weekend.


Slammed

...so I asked STBX not to drive around with DS3 for now until the whole thing gets resolved, and now of course he is mad.

"I know where this is going, you are going to talk to your lawyer, right? You will tell him about my arrest. That's fine, go ahead, if that is what you want to do, go right ahead. This confirms so much that how little you know about me. You think I am going to harm my own child, you are so wrong and you don't know me, this really shows".

Somehow he was trying to make me feel "bad" by not trusting him! After so many arrests?

I said "I need to protect my son". He said "fine, if you feel you need to protect him, go right ahead!".

And he hang up on me.

So now I know what his motives initially were.

(1) financial reason (he cannot afford so many lawyers' fees)
(2) wanted to "withdraw" divorce for now so that I will not tell my lawyer about his arrest, which only makes his case weaker (initially he claimed I am the unfit mother and he should get the full custody! Then later on he claimed he wanted a 50/50 physical custody, which there is NO WAY he would have won anyway).

How dare him using his own son's name to pretend that he wanted reconciliation!

And of course, his sister who has the similar problems (addictions, depression, ADHD, debt, etc.) told him "oh, you just have bad luck". This really irritates me, as she is just feeding into his "victim" mentality.

No wonder he never feels he has hit the rock bottom. His sister has been having so many issues as well and she NEVER ever felt that she has problems. It's always someone else's fault. She must have had 30 boyfriends since college, and no R lasted very long, but it was always "his" fault. Go figure...

I guess my girlfriend is right. Unfortunately, those people NEVER change...

Yes, STBXH got one thing right: I never knew enough about him. I thought he was an angel. It turned out he was the biggest liar with no honor or shame whatsoever.

Milk

Milk


I see what you are saying. The fact is that he will confide in people that WILL see it his way. He did not confind in you because he knew that YOU would not support the "bad luck" story! DUI, is not about bad luck! It is about bad choices!

When my H's school was not going so well, we would talk about it. I would tell him to stick with it. He had a hard time writing the way they wanted. He writes well, but every disapline demand a different style. You cannot write the same way an english paper as a history or a science paper. Anyway, I would tell H that it is ok, that it will take time for him to figure out what it is they are asking him to do. He would just look at his friend who was able to do it right off and say "well, he is doing it, he really knows what he wants"...."I just don't write like they want, I really don't belong in this desapline"....I tried to explain to him that it demanded of him something he had not had to give before but that he could do it if he just kept at it (it was not impossible). But H got tired of talking to me about it, I was not simpathetic and supportive enough. Instead he talked to his aunt, he spinned it so well (it was all over email) and she agreed with him, that he needed to find a different disapline and quit where he was. I found out about 1 month after the fact that he had quit! He quit the program while he was still living at home and never told me. His family knew, Idid not. They deserved to know, cause they were supportive, I was not.

Daisy