(((milk)))
Sorry you are having a bad day...but DO NOT beat yourself up for making a decision that upholds your boundaries and protects you. HE is having financial problems and is trying to pass it to you...his choices...his consequences.

He needs to feel the financial squeeze... he doesn't like it. He may have been trying to manipulate you but you held your boundaries. YOU GO GIRL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Need some help and advice.

Of course H is having all sorts of secret agenda, and now he wants me to sign over the title of one of our car (the newest and most expensive one) to him. He said he would do the same fot the other car for me, but one of them has basically no value (it's 1994 and has tons of mileage on it) and the other one is also pretty old. I called my L but he was not available. H wants to get the car but still wants to go after the house I am still paying. Can't believe how sneaky he is!!! And this man dare to ues his son's name in order to move back in!!! What an a$$!!! I do not want to sign anything. Any suggestions?

Also, since now he has a lot of debt (from his 2004 arrest, divorce lawyer, and DUI arrest) - I know I do not have to pay for his lawyer's fees, but am I going to be liable for his DUI lawyers's expenses, because we are still technically married?

Any advice is much appreciated.

Milk

Update:

I told him I could not sign on anything w/o our L's presence. And I told him that if we do this, we need to do the financial settlement. In the mean time, I asked my L if I would be responsible for his debt related to his DUI and my L said it should not be. So that made me feel safer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

H was angry, because he was not getting what he wanted from me (the agreement that I sign the title of our most expensive car over to him) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />. He then said "okay, fine, we'll divorce then - we cannot stay just for the sake of DS3". This is the same guy who said he wanted to give our M a second try 'for the sake of DS3'. How many times is he going to do this?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He keeps using DS3's name whenever it's convenient. It makes me feel sick. I told him "well, we cannot stay just for the financial reasons either", to which he said "no, and I do not want that either!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I did not give in, even though the whole thing made me sad. He then started to talk about our asset split using my last offer back in November so I told him "no, that deal is over. You did not take it. In fact, you took it gladly and thanked me for being generous, but soon as you spoke to your lawyer you got greedy and came back and asked for more". He asked "then what are you proposing this time?" so I said I will get back to him this week.

Then later H called back and asked "well, you are not going to ask me more than 20% of my income, right (b/c I have the right to ask him for 50% of DS3's daycare costs, extra curriculum costs, doctors bills, etc., which in my previous proposal I did not ask)? Can we at least agree on that point?" Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh!!! Can he ONCE be a stanup man??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I said "no, H, I cannot agree on anything with you right now". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Felt sad, b/c at that point I really felt that H "used" me over the past several years for his financial needs. That's just disgusting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He is the guy who told me "money is not important to me, and next time I will find myself a spiritual 300 pound woman!" 16 months ago, and yet now he claims he is not a "big fan" of "I'm holier than you" type articles, and continues to worship porn and money.

I wanted to call him yesterday just to talk..., b/c I felt sad that our M ends like this... over money. I wanted to ask him what he really wants and his intention is..., but then I told myself "what's the point? Right now he cannot see anything else but his situation. No one could reason him...., I am fooling myself to believe that this time I can talk to him and he would listen". So I did not call.

Last night when DS3 and I came home, I realized that H had called several times during the day. So I called him back, and said "we just got back". Then he asked if we were with so and so, or so and so. I said no (I was with my girlfriend and her husband who were visiting from NJ, which I told H on Saturday but obviously he already forgot about...), then he asked "so you were with someone I do not know?", I said "yes". H then spoke to DS3 briefly (H asked DS3 what we did...), and then he hung up.

This morning I found an email from him:

"Would you like to come over for dinner tonight with DS3 at my place for a change rather than me take DS3 out?

WH"

Is this his another attempt to manipulate me so that he can get a better deal in our financial settlement, or is he still trying to lure me back so that I would agree to reconcile? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Either way, I know at this point, it is still ALL about him (which, by the way, I told him on Saturday - I said 'it was never about DS3, us, or me, and it was always about YOU', to which he did not say anything). Guess I will go have a talk, as either way, we need to talk. I will not let him manipulate me though!!

Milk

I thought I would check in and give you big huugs...
((((((((((((milk))))))))))))))

It sounds like jealousy plays a huge role in your H's actions. I haven't read anything from really far back, but it looks like anytime you make it look like you have friends that he can't control or know he goes nutty.

Can you imagine what would happen if you actually did have to go through with the D and he found out about your first date?

Hang in there... You are so tough and have played your cards so well. I can't give much advice, but I am thinking about you!

Jen

Thanks Jen. I am not sure if he is actually jealous... He does ask questions about my "friends", but I think he is pretty confident that I would not "cheat".... I mean, I am not sure if his feelings for me are strong enough to actually get jealous at this point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Here is a little update:

DS3 and I went to see H last night. This was the first time I went inside his apartment. The funny thing is that soon as we got to the parking lot, DS3 asked me "is Papa taking his garbage out?", obviously because his apartment is always mess and whenever he has DS3 he has to clean it up and take out the garbage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> In fact, when he opened the door for us, he had this huge garbage bag! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Guess he was cleaning before we arrived there. So I give him some credit for making some effort... Inside was clean and in order, obviously because he just cleaned it.

Interestingly, he had some pictures of me or us together in his bedroom and in the dining room. Although one of my pictures was upside down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />, and I am not sure what I should make of it. Did he put those pictures around in a hurry right before I came in? Or he put them there when he moved in 11 months ago but does not even look at them anymore so did not even noticed that it was upside down? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

He cooked chicken (hey, I hope this is not the same chicken he wanted to bring a month ago to my place! Yikes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />), potatoes and some vegetables. We all ate together, and it was pleasant. He did not mention anything about us till the dinner was done, so that was nice.

After dinner, we were sitting on the couch and that is when he brought up the subject. I thought we agreed to get D on Saturday, but he asked if he dismiss the D work, if I would let him move back in. He must think I am mad that he did not dismiss our D and that is the reason I am not allowing him to come home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> So I told him as long as he has any doubt or WE have any doubt about us getting back together, we should continue to live separately b/c I do not want to break our son's heart. He then asked we could "snuggle" together again - so I said "I don't know, if I could trust you again, but you lied to me many times and hurt me so much". To which he said "I know".

Then when I told him how he used to blame me for everything that was going on in his life (his addictions, arrest, depression, etc.), he said "no, I know that is how you think, but what I did was all my responsibility. I learned that when I faced difficulty, I had to face it and deal with it instead of running away from it and escaping into addictions and other things". So I said "but you ran away from our marriage when it got tough". And he said "I am aware of that, I realized that I never really gave our marriage the second chance".

Now this sounds pretty good. But when I was talking to my friend this morning, he said "but wait, he is AGAIN running away from the problem and trying to get the easy way out - he has financial problems and he is asking you and his parents to let him move back in, instead of dealing with his own financial issues". Which I thought was an excellent point.

I am in no rush, he is. So I will just wait till he takes some actions, such as making an appointment with MC. If I do not see anything on his end in a reasonable time frame, I will just go forward with D.

Milk

Yes, please make him sweat, and eventually, if he is not sincere, his true feelings will leak out. When he really starts to feel the pressure of financial obligations, he won't be able to keep up an "act". He will get impatient and make more demands... Then you will get your answer. I just hope he is really turning things around.

Sounds like you are in a really good position to just sit back and watch. That is an awesome place to be!

Thanks JJ. I agree, H has to show some more interest, feelings, remorse, something...., by taking real actions rather than giving me the usual blah-blah-blah. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Here is a little update:
H called last night and told me this -
"I'll be honest with you, I do not feel comfortable with the deal you are proposing (I did not propose any 'deal' - I just said I do not feel comfortable him moving back in now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />). I mean, you want me to dismiss our D (I did not ask him this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />) but do not want me to move back in (yes, this I told him) - then what if we'll have to go through the D process again? Then if I put D on hold, we'll wait another 5 months and then we have to settle - in the mean time, I am losing money b/c of the mortgage (last year he agreed that we'll subtract the 1/2 mortgage payment he is not making all of these months from our equity split of the house). Also, can we settle and complete the D before the next year's tax season?"

Okay, so the truth came out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Funny, it's still ALL about him, and his financial situation. So is he saying that once we get back together, even if we end up D, at least he is not incurring any additional costs so it will make it okay for him?? Where does the concern for DS3's emotional well-being come in? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I was quite upset (but did not show that on the phone) that could not sleep well last night. So far, he has brought more frustration and further disappointment than anything else. That's sad.

BTW, my mom wants to come visit us next month, but she has no idea that H is wanting to come home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If she knows there is a chance that he might be in the house, I do not think she will come. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Should I let her know or since I am planning on keeping him from moving back in still, it does not matter? I wonder if I should let H know..., he should understand the uncomfort my mom would feel... besides, this should be uncomfortable for him as well.

Last time she was here, she told H "you are not an honorable person" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> with her broken English (she was upset with H beyond words...), and apparently he told his parents about this. His mom told me that his own father made a comment to MIL that night "you know, unfortunately Milk's mom is right, our son is NOT an honorable person".

So I can't imagine what would happen if she just comes over and sees H wanting to come home simply because he is having financial problems... She is a tiny person, but oh boy, my H was always kind of scared of her! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A little update: I had some interaction with WH this weekend.

He told me that he would come by 11pm to pick up DS3, as DS3 had a swimming lesson at 11:30am. But he never showed up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> and at 11:15am, I decided to take DS3 to the class myself.

When I drove about four houses down, I saw H's car coming. He said there was some construction going on nearby and he had to detour. I told him since it's late I would just take DS3 to the community center, and he just followed my car.

Since I was there, I decided to stay and took some pix while DS3 was in the class. It's so cute to see those little ones sitting side by side on the pool site. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> DS3 was happy to see both of us there, like other parents.

Then we left - I alone and H with DS3. Before leaving, I gave him some of his mail. He opened one of them, which was from the secretary of state regarding his DUI. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> They enclosed his check of $250 to return because they needed $500 instead. Given H's tight financial situation, I am sure he was not happy to see this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> But I did not say anything.

When I was at home talking to my friend on the phone, H came back to get DS3's Batman mask he left in my car. Then he asked me if I would not let him move back in - again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> When I did not really answer to that question, he said

"you don't want me? Are you kicking me out?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
So I said
"No, I never kicked you out, you CHOSE to leave"

Then he went on saying
"No dating, okay, no dating" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And he said them in his usual, cute & manipulative way that he always did in order to get what he wants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> In the past, I always gave in b/c he says things in such a sweet and cute way that I could not resist. But I LEARNED that it had NOTHING to do with his love for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He never acted that way because he loved me. He did it so that he KNEW he would get what he wanted. In a nutshell, he always USED me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So I did not respond to his nonsense. I have been told that addicts are a king of manipulation, and they are right!

Later, after he left, I was thinking about the whole thing - and realized that AGAIN he did this, when he felt he needs help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He received this letter from the state, requesting him to pay more. Again, it's the financial issue. He must have felt "men, when am I ever going to have some money??? I have so much debt and will be screwed!", and whenever he feels vulnerable, he changes his angry tone to sweet & cute tone to get me help him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I know he does not hold the same kind of values I have, but if I was him, I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Milk

Hello Milk,
Didn't have a chance to get on the boards last week, so I'm
getting caught up this morning.
Does sound like at least part of your WH's motive for saying
he wants to get back together is his financial problems, but
doesn't necessarily sound like that's his only reason.
I think you've been handling him very well, and making it
clear that you aren't "desperate" to get him back or going
to settle for less than you want and need. You've also set
clear boundaries and stuck to them, which is great.
Seems like it gives you a good opportunity to see through
any "false pretenses" too !

The way your WH gets mad if you don't go along with his
"plan" sounds exactly like mine ! For example, my WH and
I owned a peice of land in a nearby town, which we bought
about three years ago, as an "investment". WH has always
steadfastly insisted he didn't want to sell it, but would
like to keep it and possibly build on it sometime, Then,
just lately, WH has been talking about the possibility of
selling it. He didn't say so at first, but I already had
guessed his reason for changing his mind was because he
has run up big credit card bills. Two weeks ago, WH told me
he had gotten a very good offer on the land, and asked if
I'd be agreeable to selling. I said yes, and presumed we
would split the profits. That got WH really "going", with
all kinds of facts, figures, reasons why he should get more
of the money, how it wasn't fair for us to split it because
he'd been paying the larger "chunk" of our household bills
and expenses, how he should get half of my 401K, expenses
and bills from years ago, how he had such big bills, and on ...and on.....
He seemed totally unreasonable to me since I have worked
all the time we've been together and contributed my entire
income towards "our" bills and expenses, and of course, he
had "conveniently" forgotten that I was our sole income at
times when he was between jobs, I paid our medical insur, etc. He got very irate, loud, and mad, but I stayed calm, talked quietly, was reasonable and "stuck to my guns".
Didn't help his mood that OW called FOUR times, just in the
hour or so we were meeting, which really seemed to make WH
more aggravated. Made me really mad that she knew we were
meeting to talk about our business, and that she knows
anything about me, us, our finances, our business !!

We left that meeting without coming to an agreement, but
about an hour later, WH called me and had backed down, agreeing I should be able to pay off my car and my credit card, and then he would pay off the larger chunk of his credit card bills.
Sat down and figured out our household bills, and without
my car payment and credit card payment to make, realized I
will be able to afford to pay half of our joint bills that
relate to our house, as well as have somes spending, gas
and grocery money, so I am feeling agreeable to this "deal".

Even with that, however, I won't be surprised if WH will
start pushing to sell our house soon, so he doesn't have to
keep paying towards the mortgage and related expenses now
that he has his "new house" and related expenses for it.
Seems so unfair that he can have a nice, newly renovated
house with nice things, and since I can't afford to keep
our house, I'll have to move to a small, cheaper place <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

After consulting a lawyer, I am in agreement with his "deal"
but am also putting into writing some stipulations that will
protect me from his future debts, and clarify that the paid
off car is mine. We'll be closing on the land this week.

Otherwise, nothing really new here (will update on my post).
I'm feeling really down and discouraged about the A ever
ending, worried about WH's upcoming court date about his DUI, not sure what to do about continuing to go to his IC
with him, and just very tired and worn out from it all ~
Slammed

Good to hear from you again Slammed.

But 1/2 of the new house is yours too, you know that, right?

Good morning, Milk~
Thanks for your reply on my thread !
I hadn't changed my mind about "Plan B", just have had so
many different thoughts and opinions after talking to both
my IC, WH's IC, and reading various books that I felt totally confused and needed to throw it all "out there" to get more opinions and clarity.

I feel like I'll do fine with Plan B, as I aleady don't call
or "pursue" WH, have lived alone previously (before married)
and did well alone when we were seperated before. I also
do better at "entertaining" myself and have good support
with family and friends, while WH has never been alone,
isn't good at occupying himself, and does not have any
close friends or family here.
We'll have to have some contact since our finances, house,
and other items are "joint", but I figure I can do that via email and as minimally as possible, because I don't have
anyone to use as an "intermediary".

I had talked to the lawyer again, as I wanted to verify the
legalilty of the "stipulation" I wanted to make with the
land we are selling this month. WH and I agreed that we
would pay off both our credit cards (he has much bigger
bills than I do), and pay off my car, but I wanted to make
sure that he couldn't run up more bills, and then later,
if we D, try to make me responsible for half, as a "marital
debt". Also wanted to make sure he couldn't do the same
with the car, since it's in both our names, but was bought,
is insured, and has been driven, only by me !

The lawyer did advise that for "all practical purposes"
the houses are considered to be owned by whoever's name is
on the loan and/or deed, which would make our house (where
I live now) both of ours (both names on loan and deed) but
the newer house just his (only his name on deed and loan).

If we did divorce, both houses would be considered "marital
assets", however since the new one is still under a "rehab"
loan (has to convert to a mortgage by August) and was just
completed, it has little, if any "equity" in it, so wouldn't
do much for either of us, money-wise.
I think the mortgage on it will be fairly high, and of course, WH is paying the phone, utilies, cable, etc and all related expenses since he's living there. I dont think I'd be responsible for any of that stuff since I am not living there and could prove that.
Our current house would likely make some profit (not a lot, but some) which we'd either split, or could maybe make a deal he'd keep the new house and be entirely responsible for it (asset and debt) and Id get the profits from our current house, or something.

What are your thought now with your WH ? Is he showing any
effort, such as setting up the counseling ? I think you
have been doing very well with making your boundaries and
what you need from him clear.
Sorry that, like my WH, he continues to make "his own mess"
then needs your help to "clean it up" ! You'd think these
guys would get tired of always playing "victim" and needing
bailed out.
Hang in there !
Slammed

It's been a whole week since the last time I posted! As this shows, other things have taken over my top positions on my priority list...

Not whole a lot to update... H still wants to reconcile, FINALLY set up a MC appointment, but I still do not feel anything sincere from him.

Sometimes I am almost very convinced that he will never change and it's better off that I will just move on without him. Other times I am not so sure. Either way, I feel I am wasting my time, and I hate this limbo situation.

Update:

H called on Tuesday evening while I was out with DS3. H wants to see and wants to keep DS3 overnight at the last minute so I declined it. So he asked if he could have DS3 on Friday evening, and since I already have a plan for Friday night with DS3, said "no, that won't work because we already have a plan". To which he asked "what KIND of plan is that?" So I just said "well, it is just a plan" - I did not feel like I needed to explain it to him. I never ask him about his plans - he moved out, he wanted to end our M, he was very sure he would be happier without us, so just b/c now he wants to come home for his own selfish reasons - why should I provide a nice explanation???

Anyway, he obviously got mad and said "okay, fine" and hung up. Then he called back a few minutes later.

H: "Is it just me, but I do not sense any enthusiam from you to make this M work (YES HE SAID THIS. WHAT IS HE THINKING? HE DESTROYED IT AND DEMANDED THAT I MOVE ON WITHOUT HIM!!!)"

I mean, did he really think that only thing he needed to say was "I decided I wanted to come home because I am having some financial problems and also got DUI", without doing anything to show me that he is being sincere?? I was speachless.

H: "Do you think too much time has past for us to get back together?"
I said "possibly". I told him again that I am now at a point where I will not going to do the "back and forth" game just because that is convenient for HIM. When I implied he has to work hard to convince me that he is being sincere and not trying to just use me, he got upset. He asked
"what about YOU? Is it all ME?"

So I told him, no, if it's about our marital problems, I take a half share of the blame. We both created problems. I said "and I did tell you this many times. I did feel very bad about what I have done or what I have not done for you. I do. But our issues were NOT just the ordinary marital problems. You had multiple addictions and lied to me throughout our marriage."

I also told him that it was NOT me who walked away from our marriage. It was him. And I said I believe it is now his turn to show me some real actions. Then he started talking about the whole putting our D process on hold vs. cancelling our case, so I said "that's not what I am talking about". Then he asked what kind of "actions" I want to see, so I told him I do not believe I should be doing the thinking for him, as then even if he does follow my list, that won't be real. He needs to think about it. I also told him if he thinks it's ME who caused all the problems including his addictions, arrests, etc., then this marriage is bound to fail, so let's not even waste our time. I said I still see him being the victim here, and told him that I cannot make him feel otherwise so if that is how he feels, that is fine but let's not create any more mess. I am out.

I also said that now I am quite comfortable with this new lifestyle with DS3 alone and am very happy.

He asked "are you happier now than before when we were together?"

Then he kept saying "we did have good time together, and I do miss you guys. I miss coming home and doing things together."

Maybe this is the first time he acknowledge that he "misses" us. Before, he only missed DS3 and my money contribution.

He also admitted that he had "made a mistake" of rushing things to get D. He said he could not see that we could be happy together again and wanted to get out. I did not make any comments on these.

He emailed me this morning saying that the MC appointment he set up for Sat will not work b/c someone has to watch DS3 and he could not find anyone. He does not want to ask his parents to watch DS3 b/c then they will find out we are going to MC. So even though he said he truly wants to come home, he still has this doubt that it will not work out. I am not happy with that. But I did not say anything about that. I am not helping him with setting up the MC appointment or rescheduling it. I did all that last year.

Way to go, milk. You told him everything he had to hear (although whether he REALLY heard you is another story).

BTW, did he call you from home or work? Just curious if he made it to work...

Hi Hopeful, good to hear from you. He called from home. This was on Tuesday, the 18th. And if you were asking about the email this morning - yes, it was from work. He made it, so I am assuming he has the temporary driving licence for now. Thanks for checking in on me.

Hey Milk,
Glad to hear your update- I think you did a great job in
consistently showing WH what you need and want from him
and that you are not just jumping at the chance to get
back with him.
From some of the things he has said, it seems like he might
be thinking a little more clearly (?) and hasn't changed
his tune, even though he's not getting his way and hasn't
been able to "bowl" you over.

Thanks for your reply on my thread. Seems like I'll be
doing well, feeling strong, and then either have some new
thing happen (such as OW answering WH's cell phone) or
even just wake up in a mood where I'm back to trying to
"rehash" everything in my head, worry about things,and
feel really down and anxious again. I guess it's probably
normal to go through such a cycle, but it's frustrating.

I liked your idea of just thinking about WH at a certain
time so it doesn't become overwhelming. I have tried to
normally do that at night, along with prayers, but have to
say I've been tired enough lately that I fall asleep before
I get it done !
I am getting used to being alone again, and have adjusted
to taking care of the house, yard and dog. I have been
staying busy at work, am trying to do some spring cleaning
and re-organizing of the house, and still do things with
family and friends, so life is moving forward, even though
I still wish it was with WH and our life together.

WH has his court date about the DUI next week and I believe
he has been getting nervous about it. What's the next step
for your WH ?

Slammed

Hi slammed,

Thanks for posting. My H is not telling me much about his DUI, but he mentioned some "tests" he had to take related to his case. I am not sure what kind of test he had to take, but did not ask for any details.

He came by Saturday to pick up DS3. But he said he had to do some work first, so I went ahead and took DS3 to his swimming class in the morning and he showed up at around 1:30pm (in the past I asked him to show up by 10am, to which he agreed, but he has been on time probably only for 1/3 the time so far...). At the same time he mowed the grass, which was nice. While he was taking shower after the yard work, I cooked lunch. While we were eating together, H asked again "can I move back?"

When I did not answer right away, he asked "you don't want me back? You do not want me in your life anymore?" in a sweet voice, which I thought was his usual way of trying to push my "button" to make me feel sorry for him.

Then he started to go down the "list" of reasons he could think of that I am not taking him back at this point:
"Is it because I am not apologizing to you?"
"Is it because I am not well?"
"Is it because I am not dismissing the divorce case?"
"Is it because you want to have another child but I said no?"

I did not say yes or no to any of them, because I wanted HIM to think about them seriously. But he tried to address each one of them and said
"I told you, it's not ALL you, it was also my fault (wait, so he still thinks the whole divorce thing was 90% my fault??)"
"I am a lot healthier now than two years ago, and I can help you now (I only believe his actions now - and his behaviors still show he only cares about himself)"
"I can dismiss the case if I can move back in (is this some kind of a deal??)"
"Okay, we can have a baby girl - only if it's a girl, because frankly I can't handle another boy and one boy is enough (WHAT???), but then we move to the city (ARE YOU MAKING THE DEAL WITH ME, USING YOUR OWN CHILD???)"

I made comments to his rather ridiculous ideas, but still did not say WHY I am not taking him back at this point. Then he said something like I was always "mad" at him, trying to make it sound like that was the reason our marriage fell apart - so I pointed out, calmly, his past behaviors that upset me - his drug and sex addictions. But I did not even use those terms. I only said "so in your mind, I was not supposed to get mad when you repeatedly promised with me that you would not smoke pot again but kept braking them - and you feel that I was not supposed to get mad when you always stared at and lusted over other women, having constant emotional affairs?"

He blew up. He yelled "FINE, so I am a F***ED up man for you then". I was calm, and I really do not understand why he got so mad. In his mind, I was making him feel inadequate AGAIN. He said "let's just go DS3". Then he came back a few minutes later to get his mail, and at that time when he looked at the bank notice for his late payments for his debt, he again yelled at me "you should pay for this too". So if he does not get what he wants, he immediately gets mad. He feels he has worked "hard" enough to move back in, but I did not give in so now he is mad. He told me he is "healthier", but since I am not just buying his words and pointed out his personal issues, in his mind I "nagged" him again. So I was just supposed to say "oh yes, honey, you are doing much better and I am so glad you want to come home even though I really feel you are trying to use me financially"??

So now I do not know what is going to happen. He just called now and asked me to keep the shirt he bought for DS3 and returned it to him since HE bought it. Whatever...

((milkshake))

No advice, just wanted to let you know that I was following your story and wishing you the best. You sound really tired and I hope you get some relief soon.

Thanks Jean. I guess the limbo situation DOES make people more vulnerable... But I will remain strong.