Hey Milk~
Sounds like your WH is still really confused about himself,
what he wants, and what it would take to recover your M.
Seems like much of his behavior and what he says is based
on getting back home, and he isn't understanding that
he can't just move home and have that "fix" everything ?!

Your points were very valid, while his reasonings were
pretty odd. Still seems like he views himself as a "victim"
instead of taking responsiblity and acknoledging huge issues
that are just HIS, which is so similiar to my WH. I don't
think anything you said should have made him feel like you
were calling him "inadequate"- more likely he just knows
this himself and is trying to "project it" onto you, which
is also something my WH does. Both also get unnecessarily
mad when we don't just "jump" at their plans and go along
with things they way they want it- !

I agree, he doesn't seem too "healthy", and isn't doing the
basic things you've told him you need to even start any type
of recovery. (Set up the MC, show you sincerity in his
actions).
I thought he had already halted the D ?? or is he trying to
use that as a bargaining tool ?

Nothing new here- it was just the type of sunny, beautiful
weekend that H and I would have enjoyed together, and that
thought made me feel sad.
Wh's court date is tomorrow (for the DUI) so I'm sure he is
very anxious and nervous right now, and I am concerned too,
on how he will handle things mentally/emotionally, as well
as hoping he won't lose his job since he pays a big chunk
of our bills/expenses and carries our health insurance.

Thought about OW staying with WH and wondered if he was
honest about her just being there briefly while in the
process of moving, or if she's really "moved in". Hope if
she is there that it might at least turn into a really good
opportunity for WH to see real "everyday" life with OW as
opposed to "fantasy" life, and also be a great chance for
lots of LB's.

The closing on our land sale is supposed to be this Thurs
and then I'm planning to either give in person, or mail the
Plan B letter to WH.

Otherwise, just staying busy with work, yard, dog, house,
and on a new "health kick" starting today.

Hang in there !
slammed

Thanks Slammed, you sound better and stronger.

I am doing okay. I was sad on Sat and Sun, but am okay. Even when I was sad, it was not the same sadness I felt a year ago. A year ago, I was just devastated and sad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> simply because H was not there or he did not want to stay with us. The sadness I felt over the weekend was slightly different - I was sad, because I always have the tendency to believe WH is not such a bad person after all and maybe he will "get it" this time - yet my expectations get totally destroyed by his actions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I was sad about it. I was sad that the image I had and may still have for him no longer stands and repeatedly I am proving myself that I have been pretty naive about certain things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

And a year ago, I was constantly thinking HOW I could influence WH to make him change his mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I do not think like that anymore. When I saw his reaction, I felt sad but also at the same time felt that "wow, so he really hasn't changed much then - he truly believes I was the nasty person and he was the victim - then how the heck is this going to work? There is no way. I am only wasting my time"

So I am happy that I am taking this much better than I would have a year ago. We all grow stronger each day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I wanted to call him yesterday morning but I literally fought myself not to call him. I am glad I did not. H called in the morning to let me know how the drop-off of DS went that morning and told me what they did over the weekend. It was pleasant.

Last night he called and just wanted to know how I usually make my fried rice. Also he asked if he could pick up one of our rice cookers so that he can start cooking more at home to save money. Maybe now he decided that he would be ALONE (also because he renewed his lease for another year) so is trying to save money? I am not sure, but this is what I wanted - I wanted him to pay for his own taxes and renew his lease, as that will reduce his wrong motive for coming home and if he still wants to come home, I would feel a bit safer.

We'll see, he may have already contacted his lawyer to continue on the D filing, and I know I will be sad again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But I know at the same time I would have been very upset and feel totally betrayed if he came home and started acting as if nothing had ever happened or if he started to complain that I was the source of our problems again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> If the fact he had to renew his lease or that in his mind "I made him feel inadequate" by pointing out his mental issues ticked him off so much that now he does not want to come home, then his desire to come home was never the genuine one in the first place <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, and I will be glad that I found out now rather than later.

Guess I am just journaling, thanks for listening....

We were in MC for 6mos after I tried for about a year to make some changes in our M. WH felt MC would be great because it could fix me and then everything would be great.

He totally thought he "got it" but continued to be defensive and then aggressive in his bid for me to see this was all "my fault". After 7mos of separation he began IC and within the first month had an epiphany, shortly thereafter sleeping with the OW yet again. SO IMO take everything with a grain of salt until you see actions that reflect the promises he's making.

Meantime, continue to be true to yourself, don't build your life around his, make him accountable for his actions.

Thanks Apl, what you said is so true and makes sense. I really hear you (which I could not a year ago).

The fact he got so mad at me just because I said "so you feel I was not supposed to get mad at you when you were using drugs behind my back and when you were having emotional affairs" shows how he is still playing the blaming game and not taking responsibility. Also now I believe another reason he got so mad is b/c it was his "last" day before he had to renew his apartment lease. Later on his mom told me that he tried to move back in with his parents that night as well. So, obviously the fact I did not make that easy for him triggered his anger towards me.

But why can't he continue to believe like this? Last year when he had this very rare moment of clear mind, he said "okay, I have to change, I have to make my family a top priority and have to stop being lazy". This statement was made even though I did not say anything about him being lazy and not making his wife and child a priority in his life. So does he actually know it? Or after a year of separation he is now convinced it was MY fault?

I am just so tired. I do not want to go through the ups and downs again. Like you said, unless I see actions, I have to take everything with a grain of salt.

My son thinks it's me who is not allowing H to move back home. I hope he is not giving DS3 any wrong ideas, but DS3 often asks me "Mama, do you love Papa? Do you want to live with him?". It's hard to answer those questions, since I do not think it's fair nor healthy for him to think it's ME who decided to break this family. H moved out. At the same time, I do not want to make it sound like I am bad mouthing him either.

So how are you and your WH doing now, apl?

I do feel that WH's desire to come home was just reactions to his financial troubles and DUI incident, and was never more than that.

I do believe he remembers certain things about me or our life together and miss them. But I certainly do not feel any strong feelings from him. And that is what was expected. From what I learned here on this board, WS's rarely come home remorseful or with a lot of positive feelings for BSs. So I do not think I am disappointed about that. I think I feel sad or empty when I think of "us" now because WH was, after all, just a selfish and inmature liar, and he is not even admitting it. Is this normal?

Okay, enough time spent on this topic..., I have other things to worry about.

Hi Milk, chin up girl, it will get better. Good on you girl for trying to keep things positive for your son(even though you'd like to tell him his dad's a *****!) IMO it's very important to speak only positively about H infront of kids, especially at such a young age.

My H is still out of the home, would love to be back in yesterday. I insist on seeing him walk the walk instead of just talk the talk. I don't want kids(3) to be put through more uncertainty if he isn't really sincere or even capable of change.

So far he's been pretty consistent with only a few bumps in the road but it's only been about 8wks. Obviously I am still skeptical but more importantly I'm trying to capture any sense of physical(sexual) attraction for him. I had already emotionally distanced myself from him so as not to be so hurt by his disrespectful and dismissive behavior, it'S difficult to find my way back.

On this board I've been reassured that this will return for me after I begin to accept his sincerety and see true change. This idea is the more he meets my EN, the more I will want to meet his and the more attractive he will become in my mind/heart.

I did experience H's adamant assurances that he "got it" for about 18mos before the light bulb actually went on. He was sure he understood but would continue to act in a self absorbed manner even if it meant it was at my expense. He actually told me the OW was "drop dead gorgeous and had a hot bod"- He was pissed when I bought the local magazine she's the editor of and showed her pic to friends for a neutral opinion-I didn't say who she was. Anyways I told him the results- friends thought she was Ok, kinda cute, the same age as us(she's 12yrs younger)etc..He got all defensive and asked me how I would feel if when I saw her in person she was actually much better looking. I said if she has a prof. photographer, hairdresser, makeup artist, lighting etc and still can't take a good picture it's pretty sad. Anyways the point is he was still interested in defending his ego before putting my feelings into consideration-I didn't expect him to call her a dog but a little less exhuberence about her drop dead gorgeousness would have been nice. By the way, this all took place at a time when he was asking for a second chance and to move back in.

Absolutely it's difficult to belileve him again when I know he lied to my face and lied by ommission afterwards several times. I can't tell you how to feel better about it but perhaps after(if?) he begins to show he's changed he can gain your confidence by his behavior. Of course he'll need to be behaving alot!lol.

Hey Milk,
Just wanted to send a hello and hug <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nothing good to report. Against my better judgement I went
with WH to his IC tonight and really regretted it. WH seems
to be a different person when there and I don't know if it's
just that he feels "safer" to be honest, or if it's all a
"show" for the counselor, but he said a lot of things that
were hurtful and seems to be back on the "fast track" to
getting the house up for sale, severing all ties so he can
"get on with his life", and getting divorced.
Things just seemed out of control, I couldn't think of what
to even say, we got in argument, and I was so frustrated
with the whole thing, and myself.
Seem like something must have happened to push WH into this
frame of mind. Don't know if it's because his court hearing
on the DUI is over and he feels less fear and anxiety now
(so doesn't need to hang on to me for support or help) or
if OW might really be pushing him, but something seemed like
it had changed.
I won't be talking to him again until I have to see him at
our land sale next week, and will be giving him the Plan B
letter then, but I'm beginning to feel like he just really
too late for anything to help. He had such an empty look
to him tonight, just like he is so gone...

Anything new with your situation and how are you feeling ?
Slammed

Yikes Slammed you've had a tough day. I'm sorry his brain is leaking so badly that he can't recognize what he's giving up. Isn't this usually the case ...until it's too late?

Good luck at the next meeting and the letter delivery, I hopt he sees the light.

It was a tough weekend. I might be losing my job. I could not perform well last year because of this s***ty situation, so have so much to catch up. My review last year was bad, and my boss told me I need to improve drastically. At the same time, he said "I know you are going through some personal difficulties, and I know you can do better, because you did perform well before 2005".

Anyway, I have been improving since the beginning of 2006 but apparently it's not enough at my level. He expects more. So I was put on a probation on Friday.

I feel my life is just falling apart. I can't afford losing my job. Needless to say, I was quite stressed out this weekend.

Instead of dropping off his check, he mailed his check this time. So I am not sure what he is thinking. Is he done? But on Friday when we spoke on the phone, he mentioned MC (he said "I still haven't contacted the lady to reschedule our MC yet"). But if he is really anxious to start "rebuilding" our M, I would think he would have arranged this long time ago. So I really don't know what he is up to. My guess is that now he had to renew his lease, he may not feel that he needs to rush things. Which basically tells that he was not sincere enough in the first place. And on top of what's going on in my career front, this is just another depressing development and I am just not have a very good Monday.

Since I have to get to work early tomorrow morning and since DS3's daycare is not open early enough, I asked H to go pick him up and to keep him over night.

I just called DS3's daycare and spoke with him, to let him know that his "papa" is coming to pick him up this evening. He was excited, and I overheard him saying to other kids "my daddy is coming to get me today! My daddy is coming!", which broke my heart. On top of that, I heard him saying "I have two daddys" to the other kid. ??? He must be talking about his favorite uncle, but either way, it's sad. All of this because H's stupid decision to leave us, and now I am losing my job and DS3 thinks he has two daddys!

I am realizing how hard it is to balance professional and personal lives. My problem is that since DS3 was born, I can't have the same passion and ambition I had towards my work. DS3 is simply too darn more important. But without my job, I can take care of my boy... Sigh...

{{{{{{{{{Milk}}}}}}}}}

You can replace a job anytime; you can't replace your son. Everything will work out. Hang in there.

xoxo,
H&F

Thanks H&F. I am doing a little better. Talked to my boss this morning and the communication went well. I am making a lot of progress with my work and hopefully this will help. I asked my boss to give me the weekly feedback to which he agreed.

Please pray for me that I will not lose my job!

Milk

It was a very stressful week. I worked very hard and did get an "I appreciate your work this week" comment from my boss yesterday, so I take it a good sign. Also, I had an interview with another firm yesterday which went well. They already left me a phone message about setting another interview next week, which will not work for my schedule but this is a good sign as well.

So all in all, for my career wise, I feel that my hard work and stress paid off. As for my personal life, I am still sad. WH and I had an argument on Thurs night, as he asked me to pay half of his debt from 2004 (related to his SA arrest) and I declined. He says this debt also includes some of the costs spent on the car I have. I am not sure if this is true, but even if that is the case, that's not much, and considering that for the past year I have made every single payment towards the house and DS3's daycare all by myself (he is giving me a little less than 20% of his net income, but refuses to give me anything beyond that, even though lawyers feel he should contribute something towards the house, since the mortgage payment I make includes car payments for his fancy car). I can't believe instead of appreciation for my financial contribution and patience towards his non-commitment, I get yelled at by WH. Of course he took this as a sign "see, this is why I cannot remain married to her" - his light bulb moment. He cannot think beyond his needs. This makes me very sad and frustrating and depressed. I really did not know this man!

Today he came by to pick up DS3. I could tell he is depressed. He is very edgy and gets mad very easily. What is going on? He was supposed to become so much happier once he left his family behind - why is he getting worse? But he does not see things that way. In his mind, I continue to inflict pain on him (even though he CHOSE to move out and it is his responsibility that now he has financial problems...).

Does he have a personality or mental flaw that just does not allow him to have a rational thinking process? Why am I wasting my time hoping that something might change? I am afraid I will be too old by the time I finally tell myself "he is never going to change and I had enough".

Milk

{{{milkshake}}}

I don't know what to say to you but I just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers.

I remember when I first came to MB, you were one of the first ones who posted to me. I have been following your sitch and I hope things work out well for you, with or without WH.

PS: Good luck with the job sitch, I had an interview last week, I believe it went very well, they said that I should know something by the end of next week. I really want this job.

God Bless,

Pepsi

Thanks Pepsi, and best of luck to you with the new career development. I will be praying for you.

How are you doing with your Plan B?

Milk

Hey Milk, I am doing very well with Plan B. I don't have any urges to call him or anything. I know that if he never comes back that I will be okay. Kinda getting to where I don't care if he does.

It is just so sad that he won't be a real father to the kids. I wish he would get his head out of his [censored] and step up to the plate.

I am glad to hear that you are doing well. You sound good. I just don't understand how some of those WHs including yours sleep at night, knowing that he is not providing anything to support his own kids.

Mine says DS3 is very important and he loves him, etc., etc., which I am sure is true. HOWEVER, he still puts himself ahead of anything and everything, and he uses DS3 to his convenience, since he knows that is my weak point.

I know he will be very sad later on his life, if he continues this path. I know it. But it's sad that it will be too late for me and DS3 anyway, even if WH feels really bad about his decision.

I've think I have told STBXWH several times that I don't understand how he could look at himself in the mirror not knowing how his kids are eating and etc.


Yeah this is so sad that they could become like this. Did you see the letter that I email to STBXWH that Ark helped me with?

No, I did not. Is it on your thread? When did you send the PB letter?